How to stop feeling like an animal being watched?

29 comments

1. This post sounds similar to the South Asian guy posting about his issues every other week. The gist of the comment on his post is that you shouldn’t worry about what other people think and live your life. Some people put headphones on and go about their daily business.

2. There are plenty of fast casual places (Sukiya, etc.) where you can order, eat and pay without saying anything to anyone. You know, in case you want some options beyond 7-11.

   As for the rest of it, well… you’re either going to get used to it or you’re going to leave and never come back. Venting on Reddit feels good sometimes but this particular community seems to frown on that kind of behavior.

3. My advice, as a half-black person myself, would be to assume you will get stares. Some people will be curious. Some people will be rude. Some people will just be like “foreigner” and pass on.

   As hard as it may be, don’t let people’s stares or even bad attitudes ruin your time here. On the train, don’t look at faces, look just above heads.

   Try to imagine more positive interactions, as in, if someone passes you and says “yabai,” try interpreting that as “damn, her outfit is :fire emoji: ” or “wow, she looks awesome!” which are all completely possible interpretations of “yabai” depending on what the other person is thinking.

   For eating out, try practicing in your head a few times. Oftentimes the wait staff are foreigners from Asian countries like China or Vietnam. So they might be replying in “broken” Japanese, too.

   And try to keep in mind that many times people are focused on their stuff and not you, and if they do focus on you, it will be over quickly. I am pretty introverted myself, so I get the feeling.

   If your university from the US has an on-campus group or a Tokyo alumi group, check them out, too. The alumni meets are attended by current students, too. And the grads are a mix of older and younger people who also include native Japanese speakers. Sometimes doing things in a group can make them easier. And as hard as it is, try putting yourself out there to speak. It will feel awkward and nerve-wracking, but the more you practice, the better you will get and you’ll start picking up patterns and habits that will make interactions, say at a register, go smoother.

4. Not everyone has to be your friend. There are plenty of dumb asses in this country, just like everywhere else, and you don’t want to be their friend. Do your best to fall into a community on campus and take care of yourself in the meantime.

5. Ok, calm down for a minute and think about it logically. You say that your Japanese skills are *awful* yet allegedly notice when people say rude stuff about you. What on earth did they say? Why are you sure they were talking about you?

   People look at unusual stuff. Being a foreigner in Japan is somewhat unusual. There might be a few short glances your way. That’s completely normal and nothing malicious. Try not to focus on determining the line of sight of your fellow commuters from the reflection on the window like a bloody espionage agent and read a book or check out Instagram like any other person on the train.

   The salarymen might have been alumnis of the school and happy to see your sweatshirt. They might have been baffled by the sudden increase of young kids in the area and seeing your uni sweatshirt might have been a eureka moment. Again, doesn’t seem malicious.

   In truth, people care about you a lot less than you’d imagine.

6. They don’t stare because you’re black, they stare because you’re different, it’s human nature.

   If you don’t understand Japanese, how do you know they’re saying bad things about you?

7. I get stared at all the time. It’s not negative. It’s normal I’m a big old white guy. People comment about me thinking I can’t understand. It’s normal. You’re different – if you can’t get used to that in a largely homogeneous society you’re going to have mental health issues.

8. Just do like the locals do and keep your eyes glued to your own phone.

9. I get the staring thing all the time too and I’ve never stopped feeling like a circus attraction even after almost a decade of being here. I’ve learned to deal with it through tunnel vision, head/earphones, and just stare around randomly without really registering people’s faces though. I still notice the occasional negative vibe, but not my problem these people are so miserable they feel the need to externalize their personal shit.

10. Just be glad you don’t have big tits on top of everything else. I suggest you wear earphones. That’s what I do.

11. You need to learn to just live life without worrying about what people are doing around you. They shouldn’t matter to you and they im sure hardly care you exist unless you live in their neighborhood.

12. First, the problem isn’t that you are being looked at or can’t speak at restaurants. You actually think the worker at a Comeda cares if they have to take 10 seconds or 10 minutes talking with you, as they will receive the same payment anyway?
    Nah, you are afraid of being ashamed of yourself. You are afraid, and unhappy.

    But, starting with your “my problem is that I am gaijin” bs:

    Do the same thing everyone does to feel safe r/outside: Have a group.

    1. You don’t hear/notice what other people are saying/stares because you are talking with/paying attention to your group,
    2. You don’t have to “inconvenience restaurants” if another one from the group doing the talking.
    3. Even when you are not with your group, if you are happy, because you have a group, you stop caring about those small bad things that everyone have, everyday, at work, at school, at home, everday, and still live on.

    With the 3), I mean that the problem isn’t that you are “feeling like an animal”. The problem is that you are unhappy, and that makes you feel that meaningless things are much worse than they actually are, since they are all that have some meaning in your life; all the memories you have to think about at the end of the day. Instead of the memories of a nice conversation with a friend or exchanging messages with friends.

    “But I am introvert, I can’t find a group-”

    If you don’t want to play the r/outside game, then accept you will be the NPC “darker side NPC” and go to the “gaman” route.

    Or, play the game, even if you don’t want to, even if you don’t know how to, even if you are afraid to. Old but gold, “chances only come to those looking for them”. This applies the same to everyone, afraid or not.

    TLDR: Being bothered by things is natural. The problem is when you don’t have other things to be happy about to balance. Don’t look for how to not be unhappy, look for how to be happy.

13. I’m a tall white guy, used to live/teach in a small town, and I got it all the time.

    Do your best, and be quick to laugh at how bad your language skills are.

    When I lived in that small town, a favorite memory was one summer vacation, I was grocery shopping and met an elementary student I taught. He clearly told me, “Wait here.” And so I did, because I had nothing else to do that day, so I might as well obey a random child I vaguely know.

    He ran and found his cousin visiting from Tokyo, dragged him over, and his cousin admitted, “Okay, he’s as big as you said.”

    Just ride the wave.

14. In my early days I felt like I stood out all the time, especially on the train.

    I later realized nobody gave a shit about me, and it was actually the screen above my head they were looking at.

    If you’re in Tokyo, most places you go nobody will give you a second look even as a black guy. And the people that do? They’re the exception, not the norm.

    Power through your speaking, don’t worry about inconveniencing people. If you want to relax a bit more, pick a chain restaurant that isn’t busy, you’ll find them more inclined to be patient and kind than some crazy busy local place for example. And remember, just because they aren’t all smiles doesn’t mean they hate you. Stone-faced, polite service is the norm outside of bars/izakayas/kyaba etc, and even then not guaranteed.

15. What, specifically and in Japanese, did the girls say about you? What was the exact phrasing?

    Because I’m black, good at Japanese, lived in Japan for the best part of a decade and that has never happened to me. And I don’t think I’m special. It’s very hard for me to believe that someone who acknowledges that their Japanese isn’t very good is somehow accurately detecting something like that happening frequently, when in my experience it barely ever happens if at all. There are enough black people in Tokyo these days that it’s not something people would generally comment on.

16. Of course you’re downvoted, god forbid you share your experience. I want you to get it into your head: you have every right to be there, to shop anywhere, to eat anywhere, to take transport anywhere. You understand that? There’s nothing wrong with you. I can tell you are a kind and sensitive person, and take pride in the fact you aren’t like those miserable sacks of shit. They’re miserable. They live in constant insecurity, under the thumb of somebody else, comparing themselves to everyone else, living in the past haunted by memory and torment. Their lives suck so they take it out on something that they regard as standing out more than they do. It’s all projection, because deep down it’s what they secretly fear.

    Why put worth in the words and body language of another who hasn’t but a breath inside them? You should feel bad if a good, loving person tells you you’re a problem, and that hasn’t been the case. Do you, and be proud of who you are and where you came from. Not many people get to have this opportunity, enjoy it the best you can. Don’t ever let those people rob you of your happiness, especially when they’re ignorant, lost scum bags.

17. It could be thought of as a positive thing that you are so different and stand out. Wondering if there’s a self esteem issue here?

    You are an exotic foreigner in this largely homogeneous society. If your goal is to eventually become assimilated like a proper ‘japanese person’ you’re gonna end up disappointed because you just aren’t Japanese, just like every single other foreigner in Japan.

    You need to find value in yourself and be proud of being an outsider of this country and yet still surviving its society.

18. So based on your last post…you’ve been in Tokyo for only 3 or 4 days now

    That is a *lot* that you’re assuming right off the bat. And a lot of the negative points you mentioned aren’t just exclusive to you but gaijin in general.

    I’ve been living here going on 7 months now and still haven’t experienced any negative encounters from Japanese people. I’m very much unmistakably black too living in a ward in Tokyo with very few foreigners around mind you, and I’ve had foreigner classmates who came around the same time ranging from white to Korean who have reportedly complained about being discriminated in some way even with some level of Japanese language ability.

    If people stare then just don’t look at them. I don’t look at people in the face often anyway and when I do decide to see if anyone’s staring more often than not it’s all in my head. And even if I do I don’t mind it because it’s like looking at a needle in haystack. Based on what you said at the end of your post, if you saw a blonde hair blue eyed white guy in a suit walking through your neighborhood back home, wouldn’t you stare?

    Your post gives off hyper anxiety vibes and while I’m no doctor or therapist I think you need to at least calm down and get acclimated to the environment instead of jumping to conclusions after 4 days. You decided to move to a country that’s 98% of one race that look directly opposite of you, what did you expect?

19. There are definitely times where people stare, but I feel like most of the people looking aren’t doing so maliciously, at least in my personal experiences. It can get annoying, though. Since you mentioned Sophia in your post, I’ll talk a little about that specifically:

    Sophia is a pretty famous school in Japan, so people may comment on any clothes that shows someone goes to the school. In my experience, normally it was something like “Wow, that’s a school for smart kids” or “All the girls there are princesses, right?”

    International students are a big selling point for Sophia and having a large international student body is one of the reasons why some Japanese students want to go to Sophia in the first place. While most of the students will never walk up and talk to you (it always felt that many students weren’t confident in their English ability and assume international students can’t speak Japanese), I don’t think anyone would be surprised or upset to see a foreign student there.

    If you do feel uncomfortable or stressed out, I’d recommend making an appointment to talk to a counselor there. I think their office is in Building 10 (the one across from the library with the lecture hall on the first floor). It’s free, they have a couple of counselor’s who speak pretty much native-level English, and it was a pretty good experience overall. You can either call or just walk in and make an appointment.

    Hopefully things calm down and get a little better for you in the future. I know there are lot of people that would like to talk to you and get to know you more on campus, so at least in that sense, sticking out a bit might work in your favor and help those people find you. Good luck with everything!

20. >over this language/cultural barrier is pretty hard

    You say that these people are talking about you, but you clearly have a langauge barrier… how are you so certain they’re talking about you?

21. You’ll either figure out 99% of people couldn’t be bother to think of you and relax or you’ll let what 1% of people say bother you into never leaving your room.

    Just go to the restaurant and stumble through shit. First time I went to a conbini in Japan and asked for a croquette, the guy awkwardly handed me a “big American dog”, and I was too nervous to correct him. It happens to everyone. I’m sure you can think of a way that the event was offensive, but it isn’t worth the effort.

22. Get out of jam free card: **speak English**!

    You’ll be immediately reclassified from a mute-dunno-what to an odd-looking-american.

    Aside: since your life revolves around campus, go to head with those girls. You can totally use English, you could be cute and say “ah I see you’ve noticed me around” or combative like “I hear you talking about me, would you like to repeat that?” or clever, like “Hi, my Japanese is still a bit soggy, could you spell out for me what you’ve just said?”. The point is not to be meek. 9/10 you’ll notice an immediate change in their attitude.

    Alternative approach: get some friends.

23. The OP is sus as hell.

    But for others redditors: as a foreigner you will get stares and random “hello” in Tokyo as well. Especially in places where only locals eat or go, but after a few minutes they won’t care.

    My favourite situation was in central Shibuya, where in restaurant for local residents they saw me, and everybody started look at me like I have come from Mars and I’m white xD

24. I’m fucking visibly trans, and I don’t get that many stares or whispers. People really don’t care as much as you think they do.

    I’m glad to hear you’re doing better today. You’re not a bother to the world around you. Go do things you want to do. Eat in a restaurant, cause trouble, have fun.

25. Glad you’re feeling better today!

    Just wanna add my 2 yen. I’m half black as well, light-skin, been in Japan going on 8 years now. I can also get a little anxious about stares but for the most part I’ve only had positive interactions.
    A funny one that comes to mind is a Japanese man, after he heard I was from California, complimenting me on my nice tan. His American son-in-law was mortified but I thought it was hilarious and sweet.

    On a negative note. It didn’t happen to me but my dark skin black friend. She was getting her nails done and she got the dreaded “You’re really pretty for a black girl.” Apparently the woman kept going on after that, praising her and disparaging other black people. Made my friend super uncomfortable.

    I don’t like that people discount our experiences on this subreddit. Yeah Japanese people are usually racist against “foreigners” but it’s naïve to assume they’re *equally* racist of all skin tones/ethnicities.

    I think you’ll find you’ll become less anxious over time but I can understand why you feel hyperaware right now, especially since you just got here. Keep at it! It gets better! 🙂

26. It’s an island nation and they still behave like one. Imagine tribes in the Amazon forest meeting white people for the first time.

27. Definitely social anxiety. People stare yes, but no one is making fun of you or laughing at you. The stares are just curiosity. I’m also a foreigner, I accidently stare at foreigners too and it’s mostly automatic (there aren’t many foreigners in my area so my eyes just auto stare).

28. Stare back harder to show dominance in those situations. You have no idea how easy it is to call these people’s bluffs. Also a quick “jiro jiro dame!” Seems to work.

29. Confront them. If they stare go strand right right in front of them and stare them right in the face. If they do they saying rude shit go confront them and cuss at them right in their face. I wouldn’t worry about inconveniencing people in restaurants. Just buy and eat there.