I am an SE Asian – yes, most people think that all of us are poor, only can have a blue collar job and wants to marry Japanese because of money. But sorry to break the your (to every judgemental and stereotyping people like my in laws) bubble, I am not. Came from a known family clan in my town, not mega rich but def not as poor as people look every SE Asian to be and earns higher than my Japanese fiance.
I know it sounds like I am a f\*kcing self-absorbed. I also hate saying those (and in person I never say something like that, so forgive me as Reddit is being my outlet of stress and depression) but at the same time, I am tired of being in a inside the stereotype bubble wherein I always have to prove myself just to prove the stereotype wrong, where other people (mostly whites) can be just they are and they always get good impression. Whereas being a SE Asian will be automatically not likeable (fuk\*ing thanks to people who are looking for a job in tourist visa, and then posting here and people be like “you are def a SE Asian”) – like how the parents of my BF instantly disapproved of me just after saying I am an SE Asian and told their son that just because divorce is still not legal in my country, I will take advantage of his support when we get married. I am like, WTF?!? do you want me to slap you with my payslip and income tax return to show you how much I am earning? that I can even support both of us in case my fiance stopped working. Its unfair to be outright judged by just SE Asian stereotype.
Their son didn’t like them either and promised to always take my side <3 and so we will get married soon. And my Soon-to-be-in-Laws most probably are not coming. Hate them so much. So they dont care at all to be in their son’s one of most memorable events? I hate them but I feel sorry for my soon to be groom as no one will be on his side in the wedding entourage.
For sure this scenario is not new and happened to every foreigner-Japanese relationships, esp. to people from emerging countries like I do.
What did you do? Was there a time you can say you have successfully proved the haters, aka in-laws from hell, wrong?
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Additional info:
I got instantly hated by in-laws from hell before they met me:
So, just when he (my BF) mentioned via LINE (to his mom) that he has a SE Asian GF, I instantly got hated and she replied my bf about just bec divorce is still not legal in my country, I will take advantage of his support when we get married.
My BF even replied them back something like “why do you think that way? if she happened to be an American, its all good for you?!?”
YES I have tons of insecurities! Whenever I introduce myself to people and when they ask where I am from, and when i tell them, I get those looks.
Re: money – I know its shitty of me saying about my money but I can proudly say its my hard earned money – from purely working hard, white collar job and from legal ways! – not from my Japanese BF and def not from illegal ways. (And yes I really have to say this because anti-feminists be like “husband is a financial plan”) And since my soon tobe in laws think I am in it for the money, then my resentment goes to the level that should slap them with my hard earned money
29 comments
Like it or not, they are soon going to be your family. And they will always be a part of your husband-to-be’s family. No matter what your boyfriend says now, or how much he agrees with you, most people don’t like when others talk bad about their family members. So you’d better make peace with them, or at least make every effort on your part to do so. If you can’t do that, the next chapter of your life is going to be pretty shitty, as these people will forever be a part of your life from now on.
Sounds like another match made in the Hub.
A friend got married a year ago. Husband’s mother was concerned about 結婚サギ. They’re both Japanese and her father owns an architecture firm.
Luckily, it sounds like your fiancé is a great dude. I wish you both the best.
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These will be the grand parents of your children, crucial that you get along with them. Even if live in your home country, they will have a huge impact on your life. But if you stay in Japan, it will be frequent. My in-laws were against my marriage initially and the father rejected my request, the first time around. I gradually won them over and meeting the rest of my family at the wedding helped considerably. Then once we had the first munchkin, all was good. I’m firmly part of the clan. I’m a Caucasian male, so of course my situation is different than yours. If you truly love your husband, it will work out but you will struggle at times, without a doubt.
My grandfather(my dads father) hated my mum up until a year or two before his death. For more than 25 years. As a result, I barely got to know my only grandparents(my mums parents both died before I was born). This won’t just go away. It will affect your life and any children you plan to have. None of this was because of the same reason as you, but it was because of mainly religious crap.
That being said, my dad also doesn’t speak to any of his 7 siblings anymore(for other reasons). If your fiance really is on your side, it’s doable. Not easy, but doable.
Just remember, if you have kids, you will hold all the power. If it were me, I’d tell your fiances parents to get on board now, or never meet any possible future grandkids.(they will be half SE asian, so if they don’t like you, they shouldn’t like the grandkids either right?)
It’s a tough situation and I wish you all the best.
One thing I always appreciated about my in-laws – they were honest with me. I wasnt what they expected to get in a SIL and they were up front with their feelings and concerns. I appreciated that and prefer that over someone faking that they love me and are over the moon that I was going to marry their daughter.
The relationship with my wife took time to develop and still takes work on both our parts to continue to grow. I expected the same from the relationship with my in-laws and over the +20 years of marriage, it has also grown and developed.
There were a lot of concerns regarding my ability to take care of their daughter economically, but, in my experience, showing through actions far outweighs anything that could be gained through showing them my banks accounts because, ultimately, it wasnt about how much I make -as much as it was about my actions on a day to day basis. They gained respect for me as a husband to their daughter when I was making 1/10th what I do now because of how I treated their daughter and, eventually, grandkids on a daily basis – not for what I deposited in the bank.
My MIL was there for us when we had our children, she was there for me when I had health issues, and likewise we were there when her mother passed away and when my FIL passed away. We have had to have a couple of “real” conversations on how my children are going to be raised and how I will be part of their daily life and they respected my feelings afterwards, but we were always honest with each other.
We have been there for each other for good times and for rough times and through it all they saw me doing my best to support their daughter and grandchildren. Relationships with in laws take work, investment, and they take time.
Every case is different, but I would rather have the relationship we have today than to have had them cover up their feelings and concerns from day 1.
The most important thing is that your husband has your back. I’m white and western so I haven’t dealt with your situation directly, but I believe you and I wish you happiness.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately, we cannot control how others perceive us. Yes they may be stereotyping you and being judgemental, but what do you expect? They have probably never been to SE Asia and not interacted with many foreigners. Most Japanese are extremely insular, so try to not take things so personally. I am not religious but I really like the quote *Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do*. As another commentor said, these people are going to become your family, so you should try to get along with them as much as possible.
It’s good that your soon to be husband is taking your side.
>Was there a time you can say you have successfully proved the haters, aka in-laws from hell, wrong?
You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Just be a good partner and they might come around to accepting you. Also, you understandably come across as very bitter. I would try to relax a little because this anger doesn’t solve anything and will prevent you from moving forward.
If you want to be snarky, and your fiance doesn’t get offended, you can hire an investigator to check out his family & the background.
My husband’s cousin in Osaka was investigated. The guy came all the way up to Hokkaido to talk with us because we’re the main family line. I guess we passed the test, because they got married.
The husband turned out to be a 3K abusive manchild. We should have had THEM investigated.
But they may be so shocked to be investigated that their attitude turns around. (Or it might get worse.)
Seriously, do some pre-marriage counselling with your darling. Make sure you’re on the same page, and that you know how to have each other’s backs. It’d be nice to have the inlaws on board, but it isn’t necessary.
They are going to be singing a different tune a few years from now, when they are old and infirm and relying on your help. Then, you can smugly turn on them, saying “you didn’t want me around in the first place, so I’m not gonna be around for you now.”
Man….I’m so glad I lucked out with my wife and her family.
My thoughts have never changed on the subject. Life is short and shitloaded with a lot of stress. In-laws that would hate me for my race/country of origin or whatever is just fuckery I don’t need to deal with. I probably wouldn’t have married my wife if that were the case.
Don’t get me wrong, my MIL has no qualms (rightfully) calling me out when I try getting sturdy and I can accept that. But just hating right off the bat for no legitimate reason?
Nah…life’s too short for all that.
I think the most important thing is for you and your husband to make concrete and firm boundaries. He can let his parents know what they are. And what consequences will arise from them not respecting those boundaries. I wish you guys all the best and hope that your husband stays true to his promise to stand up for you whenever his parents say terrible things. Love > hate <3
Oh this post clearly sounds like the Philippines, especially the bragging and choice of words when getting defensive.
The reason why they think that way is because there are over 80,000 Filipina Pub/Snack bar workers that have been working around the country since the 1970s that have caused this type of reputation. It’s a common behavior that happens and they know it quite well. You may be an outlier but that doesn’t change the majority that have ruined it for you.
> I am an SE Asian and told their son that just because divorce is still not legal in my country,
Why would divorce not being legal in your country have any bearing on your marriage/future divorce in Japan? And how would they know this? (if you hadn’t mentioned it I wouldn’t have searched and found out about it)
I was in a similar situation over 20 years ago with my wife’s family. It’s easy to be angry, which doesn’t make things any better. Win them over with kindness, warmth, and humility. I started thru simple actions and politeness. Things like pouring beer/sake for my wife’s father and uncles, complimenting my wife’s mother and aunts (bringing sweets and helping with dishes too), and in general, showing that I was part of the family. Within a couple years, they were doing things that most Japanese in-laws don’t do – hugging (even my father-in-law). I got them Costco memberships back when it first opened in Chiba and took them to Hawaii for their 50th wedding anniversary. Plus, being a good husband and taking care of my wife and kids (who they absolutely adore). I made myself an indispensable member of their family and they brag to all their friends and neighbors about their “great son-in-law”. Imagine how difficult and different my life and marriage would have been if I had taken the opposite approach. My final piece of advice is to lose that chip on your shoulder and stop identifying so strongly as SE Asian. You’re probably playing into and reinforcing their negative beliefs through your own attitude and behavior. Show them their humanity by being a good human, regardless of your nationality.
You seem to have made an unhealthy connection between your value as a person/partner, and your income. I honestly think it’s warping your viewpoint.
Did they give you a reason for not liking you? There’s sadly a number of reasons why in-laws dislike their child’s partner, many of which are far more common than money.
You sound you care a lot about money and have huge insecurities about it. Still a shitty situation with conservative and closed minded parents.
Gosh, so many unnecessary details. And you care about money too much, I’d find it suspicious. And so many hatred to you future relatives, it does not sound ok. Good luck anyway
My father in law said he didn’t want to meet with me after I moved in with my fiance, largely because of money. But after a long time he cooled down and now we’re fine, I think.
A lot of parents think it’s their job to test the value of their children’s S.O. and even try to scare them off. But when they see you aren’t going away, their attitude will change.
You seem to be doing the same as them by declaring that money makes you better than other SE Asians.
My husband’s family would not come to our wedding due to my race. It took many years for me to explain to my husband that he needs to set boundaries with them and he can’t just be hands off and allow them to intimidate or verbally harass me. He did eventually learn, for the most part. I cannot say that it is easy, but best thing to do is just stay out of it and only give them attention when they are being nice. If they are going to repeat cultural stereotypes, let them be racist by themselves. You don’t need to stand around and listen to it! You are allowed to have distance whenever they are treating you badly. Just live your life and trust that their son chose you! The important thing is that he doesn’t believe these horrible things about you and doesn’t expect you to be around people who are jerks to you. And you’ll be amazed how much the tables will turn once you have children. My abusive in laws have met my child once. Spoiler alert! They were still jerks. We never visited again. Oh well!!
People’s minds and stereotypes change one interaction at a time. Sure, they might be in the wrong to hold those views but they will soon be your family. Rather than aggressively tell them that they are wrong, show them.
Having a better relationship with them will give you lots of opportunities to change their minds. Having a distant and hostile relationship with them certainly will not.
When I first visited my spouse’s family’s home, the grandmother-in-law put salt outside the door to dispel the bad spirits I must have brought in since Americans firebombed her entire community before her eyes killing most of her classmates. But that wasn’t me and I endeavored to show her that through my actions. I didn’t get upset or defensive about it. When it came time for our wedding ceremony she greeted my mother in English. We tend her garden together sometimes. It is important to be the change you wish to see: if you get angry then that will be what you see. You have to take the higher path.
Fellow SE Asian here (probably not the same country).
It’s hard to even have the same ground as westerners? Living in Japan. It’s harder when you’re South or SE Asian. It’s even harder when you’re a woman.
I’m not saying that I can understand your condition, but, I kinda get the idea on why you have the chip on your shoulder and focusing on money to prove your worth. But I can be wrong. I’ve been on your position once (not with Japanese per se, but still tribal stereotype nonetheless). And I too was upset.
But don’t forget that you can’t throw your worth for one person. Also, your worth is not ONLY your money. If it is, then you’re gonna have a difficult time ahead.
Anyway, the other comments here are on point, being that, should you continue with your BF, your in-laws WILL be your relatives. Bad mouthing them will slowly chip your BF away, regardless of how he is right now. Your in-laws are his blood relative.
For what it’s worth, you can start with learning and understanding where they came from. Why they hate you. Understand the stereotypes and SLOWLY educate them through deliberate and direct action. While money is important, it may be something else and masked with financial needs.
It WILL take time.
Yes, yes, chances are they are the one that should learn stuff because you’re earning much more and stuff. I know. Ideally, yes. But we are talking about structural stereotype that have been here years ago vs you as an outlier from the stereotype. Outlier is the thing I want to emphasize, and so should you.
Or, if you decide that this is not worth your time, you can always break up and find another person.
I apologize for not being able to suggest better answer. If I had more power, I would like to suggest ‘do social campaign on SE Asians’ or something. But, we both know thats not going to happen.
Edit: typos
I love these posts where people put themselves out there in a way that’s vulnerable and honest, and detectives immediately do a poor job of contextualizing the rawness and instead dress up their own fragility as counterpoints. I have a ton of respect for honest people rather than those who try to dress up what they really want to say.
I see you. I hear you. SE Asians feel like they have to prove themselves because of stupid bullshit.
I understand why you’re trying to point out where you have value or seek out affirmation. I get it.
I’m no contact with my wife’s mother, because that’s what she asked me to be. She’s a difficult and mean spirited person who put my wife through emotional turmoil. You don’t have to like your in-laws. You are not obligated to like your in-laws.
I caution, I CAUTION that you’re careful with your husband’s feelings. If he takes your side that’s amazing. Meet him halfway and try to play civility politics with them.
Relationships are give and take.
OP most of the users here are probably White so they likely won’t understand the burden of having to “prove” yourself when stereotypes don’t just automatically work in your favor.
I don’t know what else to say about your situation besides demonstrating that you’re financially well off and you’ll make her happy.
This is tactical but because I’m brown (Indian American) I’ve had to make the extra effort to dress super nicely in order to “break” any stereotypes that folks may desperately want to employ. It’s worked pretty well but I’ve invested in some really nice pieces (nice peacoat from Billy Reid, floral prints from Paul Smith, NN07 chinos, Tods loafers and an AP royal oak).
White guys can wear random anime t-shirts and just do fine – we can’t. It’s the unfortunate reality but just do with what you have.
EDIT: sorry just read that you’re a girl. What I said still applies though
I have a similar background as you, so I feel obligated to chime in. I was also born into an upper class SE family, the difference is that I am a male. When I first proposed to my in-laws, they rejected me. Being a foreigner could be the reason why they felt uncomfortable in accepting me in the beginning , but the fact that I was a SE Asian never crossed my mind. As others have said, you have a chip on your shoulder as you feel insecure being a SE Asian. I think you need to overcome this before you can move forward.
Also, before you can expect your future in laws to accept you for who you are, you need to accept the fact that you are no different than other SE Asian, because at this time they are treating you the same as you are treating other people.
> I hate them but I feel sorry for my soon to be groom as no one will be on his side in the wedding entourage.
You can feel sorry, but remember that your BF has a choice and he choose to be with you, so be grateful that you have someone that loves you for who you are. I just want to echo others here that I hope you are able to mend the relationship with your in-laws in the future. The only think you can do is to prove that you are a great wife and daughter in law, surely they will eventually comes around. Congratulations again with your engagement, wish you the best!
They hated you before even meeting you. So instead of trying to change their mind by meeting them and actually get to know them yourself, you decide that you hate them and make your husband promise to be on your side…. Try being the mature one. Especially if you plan to stay in Japan and have children here.