Hi all,
I recently started a study abroad program in Japan and am really excited to be here but have been feeling I have been extremely wasting this experience (and as a result, all the money I invested for it as well) that I have in front of me. I’ve been wanting to go to Japan my whole life and I am finally here, but I am kind of being a shut-in like I have been at home.
For some background, I’ve dealt with very bad social anxiety my whole entire life. So bad that it used to make me scared of talking on the phone, look people in the eye, talk to anyone for anything (Even if it is for something basic or urgent), and even be in a public, crowded for anything (As I fear getting judged).
The last two points have been causing me to be particularly avoidant during my time here. I get so nervous trying to do basic grocery shopping the only Japanese I can end up uttering more than half of the time is “はい” (As a result, I even avoided it when very important. Tmi but my dorm room didn’t initially have toilet paper or hand soap and I didn’t buy any until my second or third day here, because of how scared I was to go get any) , talking to any Japanese people in general unless I can help it (Thus I’m finding myself sticking to pretty much only other international students and using English only. Precisely what I did **not** want to do!). Avoiding public, crowded areas is hard because almost everything here is a space where you have to go through and stay in a crowd. It is causing me to miss out on all the food places I wanted to try here, to instead just try and survive off of Conbini food and my own cooking instead. Just today I tried to find the Sukiya near me, only to get too self-conscious going in there alone and ended up just going home and ordering delivery for it off Demaecan instead. In additon, I should mention since the busses and trains I take are always so crowded you almost never get a seat and have to stand instead. I start getting nervous about keeping my balance on the train and just wondering whether I’m looking in the same directions too much. It feels incredibly awkard.
I’ve heard Japan mental health care is very bad, and I am here for only four-five months, so I’m sure that will not be option. With that said, if I keep forcing myself the exposure, can it get better by itself? I’ve already made strides with my social anxiety in certain areas through exposure. I do not avoid phone calls anymore and can ask for some basic things in an emergency. However, I feel like in other ways this environment is causing me to get even worse.
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Edit: Thanks for all the comments, everyone! I appreciate the constructive feedback and have gathered that I need to just keep taking initative to push myself. It was nice hearing your various experiences and that some of you have been in the same boat but improved. I hope to achieve that as well!
21 comments
Its difficult to give any advice from my phone as I don’t know your situation at all. I will tell you that we all feel a level of social anxiety especially when coming to Japan. Its normal to feel anxiety and everyone has it on a different level. Make a small list of things you want to do from easy too difficult and try to achieve one every single day. The more “challanges” you complete the easier the next one will be. How about going to Mcdonalds as a start? Something that’s familiar with everyone. After that move to Japanese chains
To be honest you need to be realistic. If you struggled that much back home, what were you expecting to happen when you got here?
Exposure to stressful situations is really the only way to get things done. Maybe you could ask some of the other foreign students to help you at first to build up your courage and then you’ll find yourself able to do more little by little.
feel free to dm me, hopefully things get better
Coming to Japan won’t magically help cure the things you struggled with back home, but I think it does give you opportunities to push yourself a little bit each day. It’s gonna be hard, and progress maybe micro level at a time, but eventually it -does- get easier. Doing it every day is the hard part, but you can start to overcome it, little by little.
I used to take comfort in knowing that, even if I messed up or said something dumb/awkward, I’ll never see that person again, so it doesn’t matter 🙂
Best advice I can give is just brute force it. That’s the only way it’s going to get easier.
Alcohol usually helps too.
Japan is imo one of the best countries to accommodate people with social anxieties and the likes (case in point, hikikomori). I don’t know about you but I can go about my day without having to speak a single word or interact with anyone.
You put yourself deliberately into a situation where you think you are not a fit, and that’s no one’s faults but yours. Can’t order at Sukiya? Find Matsuya and order with vending machine. Can’t go on the train? Get a bike and start riding. Baby steps can and will get you out of your mental block.
It’s only 5 months. Just stop overthinking and go out and enjoy the things you wanted to do, how you want to do them. Replying yes in a store is fine. It’s unlikely you’ll make any significant friendships in such a short time.
Trust me when I say – Nobody is paying any notice of you. Enjoy your foreigner invisibility powers and fulfil the dream that you invested a lot of money into so that you have nice memories when you find yourself back home in a blink of an eye.
I didn’t have nor do I have any social anxiety, I’m actually very outgoing and get along with anyone. Yet still, I remember how I was too aware of others and ended up not walking into that restaurant I wanted to go.
After a week or 2 I noticed how stupid I was and the reason why I acted like that is because I placed Japanese people on a special stand because they are so polite or whatever… Stop thinking Japan or Japanese so different, since they are also human (most at least).
I understand it might be harder for you to do this, but I recommend thinking about why you feel worse here, than you did back home. I used to be super polite and because of that a little nervous, but now meanwhile I’m still polite, I wont act too different then I did back home.
Being anxious in your country where you are somewhat used to the environment, and deciding to go to another country, is so illogical yet so common around here.
Forget all the other things: Your objective must be FIND FRIENDS.
The thing is, anyone, by themself, is afraid of the surroundings. By yourself, standing up on the train is weird. If you are in 2, falling inside the train and hitting your head and bleeding becomes an amazing shared memory. By yourself, not knowing what to say to the bartender is the worst. In 2, getting the wrong order and eating it anyway is just something to talk about later.
The problem isn’t “anxiety”, which is a symptom. You are solo. This game wasn’t meant to be played solo. 2000 Years ago people already knew they should marry to fight the world in pairs.
You’ve romanticized Japan but actually it’s just a normal country.
So get on the strong zeros
Join some kind of social activity you like (sport, walking, art and craft or cooking with the local obachans) just literally start doing stuff.
I’ve lived here years, and an outgoing person but still have time where my gut feeling is to not doing something because of a language barrier or whatever – you just gotta do it.
I bet there is like a bunch of old grandmas in an English club who would love to have someone to practice English with 😆
Your last paragraph holds the key: you know it gets better with exposure. So my advice is to take small steps every day. You’ll probably never get to be Sharon Oshaberi, but you should be able to see some sights and make some good memories.
In fact, I think you can push yourself more — with the promise that when you get home, you are going to totally spoil yourself during JetLag Week — no going out, wallowing at home with lots of videos and games, etc.
In particular, I think you should make a list of 20 sites you want to see, and do one each weekend. You can have three mini-goals, like asking the personnel which platform your train is on, ordering a special dish at the destination, and maybe asking one person to take your picture.
You can also have weekday goals, like complimenting a classmates’s shoes or bag, making eye contact with someone at lunch, asking someone how their weekend went on Monday.
I always found social interaction to be a matter of practice. Nerve-wracking at first, but settling down to a manageable level of anxiety (or even thrill!) the more I did it. Good luck!
First of all. Well done for coming all the way out here. That’s an achievement by itself, and I’m very proud of you.
I dealt with anxiety (not social) a lot and you need to be proud of yourself for the little things like this.
The next other thing I would say is try some more of the vending machine restaurants. There are ramen places in stations and Matsuya uses a vending machine for ordering so it’s very convinient for social anxiety
The other thing I would say, as it sounds like you live in a busy city, is that no one cares. There are millions of people in Japan, and no one is judging you. Even if they do, that will pass and they will forget you tomorrow. The chance of you seeing the same person twice in a busy city is extremely low. This helped me a lot
Good luck to you, and I hope you hang in there.
“Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.”
First, breathe.
Realize and accept interacting in a foreign country and in a foreign language is challenging.
Adjusting to a new environment can be draining.
Realize you’re on a temporary trip and any screw ups (minus crimes of course) will be forgotten, and that no one really cares about you because they are too busy caring about themselves and how everyone is perceiving them (a bit dark, but also freeing).
Lastly, try simple things. Go for a walk or bike ride. Sit in a park or large cafe like starbucks or dotour and just take in the sights, people watch, listen to music and conversations around you, study. When you start feeling a bit more comfortable, maybe go to a smaller cafe where you feel less like a face in the crowd. Something like that.
Also, don’t feel like you’ve wasted your experience. Looks like it’s offering a chance for reflection. More people need such opportunities and few find them.
So Japan is like the perfect country if you are socially ackward and don’t want to talk to anybody … unless you make friends most interactions in like restaurants and stores are super formulaic like do you have a point card do you want a bag etc. but then also if you want to try to interact with people most ppl are pretty nice and they’ll write off any weirdness as just you being a foreigner. Ppl also just ask you the same questions a lot so you have the chance to become comfortable in your interactions by practicing the same situation.
Literally nobody cares you’re eating alone or going out alone, ppl do that all the time here so it’s totally ok. Honestly just start where you are and try to stretch your boundaries a little bit everyday, eg my Japanese is terrible but I go to the same small coffeeshop everyday and I make tiny small talk with the staff and now it’s nice because I m a regular and I see someone I know every day.
Don’t be discouraged and just do the stuff you can do! Then try to do a little bit more next time.
First of all well done on identifying your issues and in doing something to try to get over some of them. As others have said I think small steps to overcome each one would be useful – so try visiting a restaurant with one good friend, let them do the talking initially and chip in when ready. I think you will find most places very accomodating and they won’t expect you to speak perfect Japanese. My mum and dad managed for 2 weeks just pointing and saying “thank you” in English. Same for public transport – go with a friend, then on your own. If people want to waste time looking at a foreigner then that’s their fault. 99% of people don’t, so don’t worry.
There’s nothing wrong with being introverted but when it stops you doing what you want to do (or need to do) it can be a problem. You’re aware of that and it seems you are in a position to be able to do something about it even in the absence of professional support.
Good luck.
Be very careful. I’m someone who survived domestic violence during my development, and an adult relationship. I’m someone who is diagnosed with a few things.
I caution this as someone who trusts your lived experience, and as someone who himself has a lived experience that in some ways runs parallel and in other ways, does not.
How much of mental illness can become a label that masks the following issue: I don’t want to do the labor. I want others to do the labor.
I’m offering this perspective because it seems you’ve already gotten good advice. I’m also not accusing you of this, but cautioning that you examine it.
I sometimes go through periods where I CAN do things in spite of my issues, but really I want others to put the work in. I want to be called. I want to be invited. I want to be messeged. I want other people to go the mile for me to have an engaging experience.
Everyone, social anxiety or not, has to be willing to put the labor in to make the interactions happen. Life’s a series of Ude-tate. No one likes doing a push-up. That crap sucks. Working your body has an immediate impact on the quality of your life. Being willing to get up and do, in SPITE of your situation, has the same effect.
Again, not accusing you of anything, just offering different advice.
It’s tough. I’ve been here seven years and there are days I cannot leave my bed. I know there’s an issue, and I have to get myself to function in spite of that issue, rather than fall into a trap where everything I don’t do is because of the issue.
As sad as it sounds, Sukiya is actually one of my favourite places as it’s cheap, tasty and most importantly you pretty much don’t have to interact with people. Just walk to the most deserted spot available and order from the tablet (ideally outside of the usual Japanese lunch hours). Also wearing a mask is a great way to kind of put a barrier between you and others, at least to me it feels that way and pretty much the only reason I still wear one
Even when you go to the cashier to pay before leaving and they ask about the point card, you can just play your foreigner card and wave cash/bank card without saying anything, maybe shake the head.
Often when I have a day where I can’t be arsed to interact with people, but am hungry, I eat there.
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Ichiran is also up there purely because of the not interacting with people thing. But that one is more expensive and far less places around the country
Hey, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I have some social anxiety as well although not to your degree. Esp after the pandemic since my previous interactions that I’ve grown used to has gone away. But before the pandemic, and now, I’ve gotten better again due to exposure.So yeah, it does get better!
Anxiety makes you massively overestimate how “judgmental” people really are. In a big city like Tokyo, everyone is busy with themselves. Even if people stare at you sometimes (it happens to *everyone* who don’t look east Asian or Japanese) – they’d move on with their lives real quick.
Places like fast food stores like Sukiya, Matsuya etc are filled with people who dine alone – nobody is going to judge you for that. If anything, if you come with a group and talk to them while eating that’s more unusual since it’s just a place for a quick meal and not a proper restaurant to hang out with friends in the eyes of locals. In the train, everyone will sway if there’s the train sways – that’s just normal. If you’re worried about balance and feel particularly weak, I suggest being more conscious of your core and your leg strength. I find that when I have really weak core, swaying in trains and buses affect me more. Staying upright with proper posture makes for better balance.
I can’t say it is going to help or not, as it’s different for you than for me, but small increments of building confidence could help. Not comfortable going to supermarket – go there and shop, use Google translate for everything, if you can’t find something, show then the translation on this phone. At checkout just, arigatou is usually required, and they might ask if you need a carry bag, so you can just say hai, or daijobu desu.
Go to family restaurants, you interact with the staff, but not so much and ordering is easy, usually through the tablet, or looking to item in paper menu and just say more kudasai. Just nod and say domo/arigatou gozaimasu aru all other times.
Use the bus sometimes, go take a trip nearby your city, go on a popular hike of you can, that’s one of the only place where passing by people have greeted me on the ‘street’.
Hope it helps.
Glad that you have found the solutions. I’m also still struggling with how to communicate in working from home environment.
When to a physiatrist once and I think it feels good to tell someone about your worry and problems. Try to find someone that you can talk to without inducing social anxiety. Go with them to a public place together on a weekend. Try to take some initiative in ordering food at a restaurant. You’ll improve when your brain thinks the outside world isn’t as scary as you thought.
I am stutter. I have social anxiety.
I recommend visit a doctor. You can explain about your situation and he can prescribe you medicince. You can use it when you feel anxious, panicky etc