I’m in Junior High Grade 3 and I’m a foreigner living in Japan, recently the very first friend I made when I came to japan succumbed to his illness and passed away, we weren’t really that close but close enough. A few other classmates are attending his funeral but I’m not sure if I should go. It would bring me a lot of closure. The main reason I’m hesitant is because we haven’t really talked that much in the past 2 years because he couldn’t come to school due to his illness, I’m not sure other people even know I was friends with him, and I’m sure he mentioned me to his parents at some point because I’m the first foreign student in this small town and I became friends with him. Should I attend?
If I do decide to go to the funeral, what are some stuff I should be aware of? What I should say to the bereaved, if I’m expected to do something, etc..
14 comments
Sorry for formatting english is not my first language and I refuse to go over it and check for mistakes
Go
Seconded. Go if you can
Please try to contact the family first, I’m sure they would like you to be there, but they may not know you.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend.
When you go, you need to give some money in an appropriate envelope. ¥3000, in perfect ¥1000 notes, but folded in half. (Just google it if you don’t know.) If you are male, a black suit, white shirt and a black tie. If female, the same, but it’s a little odd, but black skirt/pants, white shirt and a special kind of jacket. Other than that, just do what everyone else does.
You should go. But like someone else said, it is good to check with the family. It’ll help you, and it could help them to know their son was appreciated by others.
Sorry for your loss. 🙁
> If I do decide to go to the funeral, what are some stuff I should be aware of?
Sorry for your loss. You should go if you are invited.
As a jr. high student, you should go in your uniform – you don’t need to try to find a black suit/dress/kimono like the adults do. Don’t wear any jewelry or other shiny items. Make sure to wear socks (black or white), and you should wear black shoes.
You should bring a small monetary gift (a few thousand yen is plenty for you) and the bills should older bills (new bills are for weddings) or they should be crumpled up and then smoothed out to make them look old. You put this in an envelope called “goreizen” that you can get at any conbini. There’s a tray for these gifts – you do NOT give them directly to the family. Keep it tucked away until you see the tray, and put it there.
As to the wake itself, each Buddhist (most funerals here are Buddhist rites) sect has its own way of doing things. Follow along and do what the other people do – usually one of the adults will help guide kids in a situation like this where the deceased is a student and the parents of all the attendees may not be present. Family do everything first, then friends follow after.
> What I should say to the bereaved
You generally do not speak to the family after the initial greeting. All you really need to say is “Goshuushou-sama desu” (ご愁傷様です), roughly “my condolences”.
Very sorry for your loss.
I hope you can attend your friend’s funeral.
If you don’t make it to the funeral, it’s always good to pay your respects during 49 days, counting from the day before he passed. Bringing an offering of a perishable is often preferred, especially at the 7 days (7 trials, 7 days is the Japanese Buddhism ritual). Making an offering after the 49 days is always a good time to visit also. If you can, visiting during the first obon is ALWAYS a good idea. Hope this helps, if you need more info, feel free to DM me.
Your friend’s family will really appreciate it if you attend. And giving yourself closure is also important for yourself. I would attend if I was you. It wont be easy, but its important to honor your friend. I’m sorry for your loss.
If he was your friend you should go for sure
Culture exists but at the end of the day a friend of yours has passed. Just make sure you ask the family if you can attend – if they say yes then just being there is more than enough. I’m sure they will be delighted to see you.
Do not go.
Go. If I was a family member of that person, i would love for anyone to pay visit.
In corporate Japan they even invite strangers from work.