I had a super weird experience recently and wanted to post it here, both to get some insight and to get this all off of my chest.
I was travelling with my partner over spring break to Osaka. We both live in Japan, and wanted to get around a little. We went to a pool bar one night and liked it – we both enjoy playing pool and make a lot of date nights out of it, so, we went back a second time.
Anyway, we’re in the pool bar, and this other couple comes in. At first it’s fine, because they aren’t speaking to us. Eventually the guy (who looks \*way\* older than his female partner) starts asking us questions. No hello, instead just starting right off that batt with the classic “so where are you from?”
My default is people pleaser, but in retrospect I should have been way meaner, as his questions got quite personal about our romantic involvement.
This guy in turn was also sharing things that no one asked about – he told us that he met his GF because they worked at the same company, and he was the one who hired her…..There were also some comments about “wow I can’t believe you’re American but you’re still wearing masks”. This came off to me as less creepy and more socially tone deaf.
At one point, I excused myself to the bathroom. about 30 seconds after i’m in there and sat down the door violently rattles, and I hear my partner loudly say “hey man she’s in there” – I was later told the guy followed me and tried to open the door. There’s only one bathroom, and we were the only people in the bar, so obviously he knew I was in there.
My partner and I left after that, super creeped out. I for one felt quite violated, and we both regretted being so nice. We both agreed to not be so nice to other foreigners again, regretfully – because most of them probably aren’t creepy fucks like these people were.
I cannot state enough that although his questions seemed docile, and fine, whatever, – the vibes from this person were downright predatory. We were not giving conversational responses, but this person was fucking relentless.
If worst had come to worst, I know for a fact my man would have won in a fight – but I was still so shaken, and it felt like a lot of the usual social boundaries that I have come to rely on were blatently and mindlessly crossed.
Has anyone else dealt with situations like this? Specifically, with other foreigners being creepy and overly invasive? How do you deal with declining bids for conversations from other foreigners? Should I have tried to be polite, or is it better to go scorched earth, since he clearly wasn’t laying off?
8 comments
You tell them to fuck off and don’t associate with them anymore.
Depending on the staff at the pool bar, they might be quite keen to know who to watch out for. Sometimes the staff can be nonconfrontational, but it’s worth letting them know that someone is driving away business.
This seems like a *Dear Diary* post, more than it is about a creepy foreigner. You’re very insecure about age, by the way.
Age is just a number. Love isn’t determined by age, or a formula developed by a math equation.
Eventually you will be old too, will that automatically make you creepy if you started speaking to younger people?
Also, just because you thought he was creepy, doesn’t mean other people think he isn’t cool/chill/living his life.
You, and your spiritual companion aren’t the center of the universe.
Very juvenile, very immature.
Just food for thought.
Sorry that another foreigner entered your pool bar mate. Glad you live in Japan though and good job on staying away from those American people from now on. You’ve got yo man to protect you after all.
Learn how to shut down conversation. It’s not easy if you’ve been raised to *be nice* but it’s a good skill to have. Shut it down, do not engage, ignore and eventually leave the situation. You could be more confrontational and tell them to fuck off but that can instigate a lot of people. You don’t owe any stranger your time or attention.
The door thing, eh…a lot of people who weren’t raised right think bothering people in the bathroom is *hilarious.* It is not.
Believe it or not this won’t be the last socially inept foreigner you meet in Japan. They are thick on the ground.
All you can do is pay attention to those vibes being off and be firm about not being interested. I don’t give information just because someone asks and especially not if they seem off. One word answers and redirecting your attention to who you’re with is clear enough for most people, but if someone’s acting like a bother you can outright say you’re trying to have a private conversation or move away.
The only negative situation I encountered was having a foreign delivery driver insisting to come inside my apartment to talk. I was way too polite even though I said no and that my roommate was there and sleeping because he obviously knew where I lived. I worried that he would come back if if I were too mean and he thought I lived alone. Even saying that was too much information. Hindsight is 20/20 and I haven’t made that mistake again, but it scared me a lot.
Another example is that sometimes men will try to talk to me on early morning commute trains. I have headphones in *because* I don’t want to be bothered on a mostly silent train and pretend not to hear them. It may appear rude, but people aren’t owed conversation. It’s better to be the “rude foreigner who ignored someone being friendly” than someone thinking you responding is permission to follow you or badger you if you don’t actually want to talk to them. I know other subs love to recommend that book The Gift of Fear, if it helps drive home the point that you’re allowed to trust your gut then it is probably worth reading.
I don’t deny you met a weirdo. But really? This requires writing reddit about it? As a regular bar goer I’ve met so many weirdos (and the people I’ve met likely say they’ve met a weirdo too). You don’t need to freak out on them, just disengage. If they’re drunk they may not get the hint, but if sober they will.
Just stay home. Easier for everyone.