So, I’ve been here nearly a decade now. Right out of high school I had to basically pay for all my own living expenses in a country away from home, and between Uni and work, I never had much of a chance to socialize with *anybody*. At University nobody was interested in me, at work it was a strictly work environment so never really met with anyone outside of work either.
Now I’ve been in the workforce going on 4 years and the workplace issue is persisting, so still unable to really make any meaningful relationships there (through no lack of effort on my part. People just don’t want to hang out outside of work), and I’m struggling with making friends/dating as well.
On the making friends side I’ve tried joining multiple different circles related to interests, tried going to those international meet and greets, tried using online forums to talk to people to no avail, and on the dating side, I’ve tried using…several, dating apps, tried talking to people at various events etc and I’m struggling to find *anybody* willing to have more than a 10 minute conversation.
At this point I can only assume the issue lies with me somehow, and if it is I’m sure reddit isn’t going to be able to help, but I guess I’m asking here for suggestions on more things I could try to connect with people. I live on my own, haven’t got the money to go even visit my home country, Covid being as it has has prevented family from visiting here either so I’ve been on my own for the best part of 6-7 years now, so I’m really just wanting more in regards to people I can lean on a bit, and have a bit more of a meaningful relationship with (both platonic and non-platonic) and I’m running out of ideas on where to look.
So yeah, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Edit: Early shift in the morning so I’ve replied to all I can for tonight! Thank you to everybody for tour suggestions! I’ll absolutely take a look at any other suggestions I didn’t get around to looking at in the morning, so feel free to leave more in the mean time, and I’ll respond as soon as I can!
39 comments
I really do not have an answer to your question but all I can say is I know how you feel.
How is your Japanese language?
I also experienced the same things. I am an exchange student in Japan and I’m also having a hard time making friends here. I think mostly because of the language barriers. Even though I tried very hard to communicate with my broken Japanese but they just do not want to hang out. I think maybe I didn’t try hard enough yet.
I used to hang out a lot in my home country but here I’m mostly alone watching Youtube. Felt lonely lately… Hope that you know you’re not alone in this situation!
Sorry if it is not helpful…..
since college the only close friends i made are lifting buddies from the gym. so my recommendation is join a gym and find lifting buddies 🙂
Welcome to adult hood, its rare for people to form new connections after education, even harder outside of work.
Based on what you’ve written here, (which is a huge extrapolation, but still) you seem like a reasonable, sane person who could make great friendships if given the opportunity. It can be tough to get into an “in group” particular in Japan.
In my experience, international meetups only generally lead to superficial interactions, or interactions which are great in the moment but rarely lead to friendships.
However, I’ve found the best friendships are found when you can interact with people who have shared hobbies – if you can connect to people through things like gaming, volunteering or running/hiking groups, I think you’ll be much more likely to forge deeper connections based ok shared passions, and likely to be less treated as a gaijin novelty. However, this assumes a certain level of Japanese – although I’m sure it’s possible with English, just that the pool of potential friends may be limited.
I think it’d be better to focus on building your financial situation because money issues will exclude you from several venues and opportunities.
Get a dog if you can/want to be responsible for one. Or walk other people’s dogs.
I talk to so so so many people who walk their dogs! Just this evening I went to the park and there were about 10 dogs and owner pairs there and we joined in and everyone was so welcoming!
Adults are selfish (myself included). I have friends that I’ve made the past two years that I really like but the truth is, we’re all busy and I might only see them once a month (sometimes not even that). I’ve learned to kind of accept that but if I wanna see them then I should put in some effort to meet halfway and message first. I’m introverted and I like being alone to be honest, but I can’t be alone forever so I make a conscious effort to message my friends and ask to hang out. Sometimes they were actually thinking the same as me and just needed that shove to go out.
Most of my friends are from my workplace though. My other friends are from my university circle which I’ve reconnected with but I really don’t meet up with them often (like twice a year) except for one of them who I’m hoping likes me lol.
What do you like to do in your free time? I’m always open to making friends but I won’t make any promises we’ll hit it off 🙂
You seem to have tried many ways already indeed, and if nobody wants to talk to you for 10 minutes you may need some external help. Living in a foreign country is not especially easy.
Would you be able to ask some people a brutally honest opinion of yourself ? If this about you, they may give you a lead.
Or consider going the therapy route. I am not saying anything is wrong with you, but that being supported in your reflexion and to manage loneliness would be beneficial.
Main advice would be to not face this alone.
Good luck and best wishes.
I found it a bit easier to befriend other foreigners. You could also look at the app Bumble. It has a BFF option.
In school you are in the same environment constantly, but as adults you need to put in effort to see people again. But also know when to let go.
I haven’t been here long but the only friend I’ve made so far is another foreigner. Which I can understand. As a foreigner it’s possible that you’ll leave at some point. Who wants to put in the effort if you’re going to leave anyway.
I’ll be your friend, although we probably live in opposite parts of Japan.
For context I’m 36 and married, so take everything I say with that in mind, but usually the way I’ve made friends here is actually by being a regular at local mom and pop shops. Bars, 喫茶店, bakeries etc. I go to a place once to give it a try, and every time after that I make it a point to sit at the counter and talk to the owner. There’s never a shortage of stuff to talk about, and before I knew it I was getting to know other regulars and getting introduced to other places as well. In fact one of the people I hired for my business I met via this web of connections and I frequent his bar now.
Basically, invest yourself in your community. Make yourself a part of the town you live in. Don’t be a stranger. There’s no substitute for getting out there and actively seeking what you want.
As for romance, same advice applies. I’ve been married 8 years to a woman I met on the dance floor. No better way to get to know a person than by doing the Gangnam style with them!
Do you have any hobbies?
Are you sure it is the right decision to stay here? 1) you’re living paycheck to paycheck 2) you haven’t seen family in years 3) you find it difficult to make connections.
It may make more sense to be closer to family, in a country where you can integrate into society easily compared to here.
At the same time I suggest looking inward. We don’t know you in person but you might be pushing people away unknowingly (ie. By being often busy or unavailable, just an example), I get this vibe from your first paragraph . A little self reflection could help, for your future here or elsewhere
For me I would say group activities in the freetime. I am in a judo club so we have to interact with each other, compared to lifting weights which is often done solo. If left at that it is superficial at most but if you go out of your way to arrange activities outside of that you can build good friendships.
I know how you feel:( I live in Saitama too so if you want to chat or meet up dm me!
I too struggle with this a lot and even before coming to Japan I was more to the quiet side with less friends. I think the problem isn’t with you at all since that’s what people say. Everyone is different and maybe you didn’t find people you vibe well with you, you know?
When you have free time what do you like to do?
It may have been mentioned in the comment already but I would recommend a dojo. Karate, Brazilian Jujutsu, kick boxing, Kendo Iaido, anything.
It’s anecdotal I know but my success in Japan is rooted in having a community and mine has been in the dojo.
Good luck, I really mean it.
Very serious question here – are you unattractive?
TokyoGaijins or TokyoSnowClub are both excellent places for socializing if you’re into outdoor stuff. I usually try to see if they’re going somewhere I haven’t been before and go with them
Keep in mind that there are people that go as a group, so it may be hard depending on the nature of the trip. But I’ve found several solo travelers who I had fun time talking with and open for friendships
learn how to DM in DND, make a meetup and get 3-4 people to play
There are a lot of factors without knowing you which are mostly out of your control.
1. Availability – working all the time. Working nights, weekends, or working odd shifts/hours can stifle social interactions.
2. Long term friendships – You try to meet people who already formed long term friend groups. It’s hard to break into a friend group when all others have known each other for ages.
3. Foreigners are fleeting – It’s rare for foreigners to stay any extended duration. Because of that, many people won’t pursue deep connections as they assume at any given moment you’ll move away. It’s a lot of effort to maintain a friendship if there’s a chance it can go *poof.*
4. If you are pursuing friendships with other foreigners, then it’s likely you’ve experienced a fair bit of friendships come and go. It will be that way for your duration unless you meet another expat.
5. Money- not having enough money shouldn’t exclude you from friendships, but it does make it difficult to form relationships with people who go out places.
Things that maybe can help on your end:
1. Approachability – Evaluate how you approach people. Do you see a trend in how people respond to certain topics or answers? If you notice you get a lot of negative feedback from certain topics, then I would avoid discussing those things. Do you find yourself often complaining or over sharing?
2. Types – Do you pursue others who aren’t a good match for you? We probably all have a type that even in friendships aren’t good for us. Probably best to avoid those types.
3. General hygiene – How’s your hygiene? Have there been comments that may allude to something.
4. Style – are you dressed appropriately for the occasion? You can over dress or underdress.
5. Hobby- are you pursuing hobbies that actively get you to meet people? Or do you prefer more intrinsic hobbies?
6. Yes and no – how often do you say yes or no? Someone that says no or an excuse a lot will eventually get excluded from being invited to things.
I’m sure there’s more nuanced things, but this is what I can think of for now.
I’ll hang out with you dude. If you’re up for it. I’ve been there…
Would have to be a public spot etc.
Shot in the dark here… would you say that maaaaybe you talk too much? How possible is that?
I have to read your post twice just to be sure that it wasn’t me who posted then forgot about it because you sounded a lot like me lol and I think we have similar background 🙂
Like someone already mentioned, it will be hard for an introvert to make friends anywhere, not just in Japan. During the last decade living in Japan I did often ask myself the same question of how to have meaningful conversation or relationship here. I still wonder about that at times but now I care less? Cause I really don’t have the energy you do to actively go out there and engage with people. My social battery needs 2 days of recharging after just one boring conversation…
I think you should focus on improving the quality of your life first and the healthy, meaningful relationships will just come naturally. Having money doesn’t solve everything but it will at least gives you more options in how to have fun and be happy. This comes from my own experience where I’m in a much better place financially compared to the past and that has allowed me to enjoy a better variety of activities with friends and also opened door to new kinds of social groups. I do think that it’s not the only way and you should be able to socialize regardless of your spending power but if nothing else is working, you gotta try to work it from another angle eh?
Anyway feel free to DM me if you want to have a conversation 🙂
Sounds like a you problem. I’ve not had any issues finding girlfriends (or a short lived wife), and a few times while I was just browsing stores in Akihabara salary men have come up to me and started chatting and wanting to exchange LINE.
I’m not really sure what advice I can give, but I have made lots of friends and connections here, both with Japanese people and foreigners. At first, I usually attend group events – they’re superficial, but they’re still good ways to connect with many people, add them as contacts because you had a good conversation, etc. The people I liked I usually start a follow up conversation after the event – “it was nice to meet you! I mentioned x music artist/x funny video/x game/x place, here’s the link!” Depending on our conversations. Then maybe the following weekend I suggest getting together at either a cafe or a bar depending what kind of person I feel they are. Whether it’s dating or friends, you want to try to jump to one on one situations where you can have deep conversations soon. You can also suggest an activity instead of just a cafe if you’re nervous about being able to carry a conversation. There are so many events going on in Tokyo – movies, little festivals, displays, art museums, etc – that you can hopefully find something to do with anyone. If you vibe well with the person, then you just have to make a point of inviting them to do something one on one at least every couple of weeks. People are bad at remembering to make plans, and it doesn’t mean they don’t like you, people are just bad at it. So usually one person has to take the initiative and ask or you just never meet. For some of my friends I’m that person, for others the friend is that person.
I also host group events once a month & try to arrange group dinners or other events sometimes. This helps me stay connected to people, and if I don’t host them then such events might not happen so. It works.
Anyway, good luck!
Could you be trying to get too close too soon? I know that every single person is different but what I’ve gathered from the relationships I have in Japan is that they developed over a long period of time. Literally years.
One example would be a metal bar I frequent. First time I went no one even looked at me twice. Second, third and fourth times, same thing. Fifth time, a drunken dude was a little too persuasive and I had to strongly send him away. We shared a chuckle with the owner after the incident. The next time I went there I was greeted. Time after that, greeted by name. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m best friends with his fiancée and they come over to my place for dinner at least once a month.
Long lasting relationships here take time, people are too busy to think about actively forming bonds so they have to happen naturally is what I gathered.
Best wishes and let me know if you ever stop by Nagoya and want to hang out, it’s better than nothing!
What stands out to me the most is that you can’t find someone willing to have more than a 10 minute conversation with you. Maybe you’re exaggerating and just frustrated by trying to keep friendships going. If you’re not exaggerating then maybe you need to take a step back and look at yourself and your situation. Maybe it’s something you’re saying/not saying. Maybe it’s the way you present yourself. Maybe it’s the people you choosing to talk with.
Aside the obvious things like talking too much, not talking enough/not able to hold a conversation, disheveled appearance and so on here’s the issues I’ve had with people I’ve met:
Braggers/better than others, not sure why this happens as often as it does in Japan. It’s like you get foreigners bragging to you as if you don’t live and work in Japan too. They will brag about where they used to live, their jobs and put down others.
Liars, if you tell me something that sounds a little too outlandish, too cocky or I catch you in a lie I will avoid you as much as possible.
Only wanting to talk to Japanese people. I understand sometimes people want to practice their Japanese or they want to make Japanese friends, but if you’re awkwardly avoiding other foreigners it’s awkward for everyone.
Only wanting to talk to women or men OR only talking to people who look a certain way. Same as above, but sometimes with a creep or shallow factor.
Japan is the best and can do no wrong attitude. For certain people everything about Japan is wonderful. For others they have had struggles in Japan or they see the good and the bad. One way to connect with people is shared experience, but if you’re experiences mismatch it can be hard to connect. The funny thing is that online you meet all the people who hate or hated living in Japan, but in real life you meet people who have a balance view or love it. Nothing wrong with loving Japan.
There’s probably more I can’t think of. If you have looked deeply and honestly into yourself and you can’t find any reasons, then understand that there are many others out there feeling lonely. Make sure you are putting in the time for friendships. Being responsive and hanging out is key to building friendships.
I haven’t made too many good friends in Japan yet (mostly due to covid), but I’m hopeful that it will happen. If you need someone to talk to you can try reaching out to me.
I moved to Japan after graduating college, lived in a large city, and had a crap time finding friends in my age group. My first four-ish years were bad.
While older people (50s and up) are great, I had hoped to connect with other people in their 20s. Unfortunately for me, most locals in their 20s had their own friend groups formed from grade school and were dating for marriage (or getting married).
It took time, but after a few years I was able to find people I connected with.
Some things that keep me from connecting with others or wanting to hang out more include:
The other person refuses to understand how people live different lives. This usually boils down to someone who has had their life handed to them on a platter and they can’t understand that some of us need to work for a living and can’t call up the Bank of Mom and Dad when things suck.
People who seem like they only want a “friend” to fill a void in their own life and will jump ship for the next more shiny person that comes along.
People who refuse to learn Japanese and want me to act as an interpreter…all while complaining about how Japan sucks.
People who are mostly okay, but we just don’t vibe all that well through no fault of our own.
Maybe take a break from putting yourself out there and focus on things you enjoy for a bit. Or approach events and meet ups with the attitude that you’ll never meet the other people again. I’ve had friendships form from people I thought I wouldn’t get along with. So, although it’s frustrating, try to focus energy in other areas of your life, too.
If you want to make Japanese friends, target people who have spent extensive time outside of Japan. Otherwise, your fellow gaijin are always at your local Hub.
Drink.
People tend to open up when you drink with them, just about anywhere in the world, but even moreso in Japan where people are otherwise pretty closed-off. Become a regular at a nearby bar, especially one that’s small and family-owned, befriend the owner, befriend the regulars, and just be consistent with it. Restaurants work too, but they don’t have the magical alcohol effect like bars do lol
Older person here also struggling with the same thing. I don’t have a perfect answer but a few observations, and what is working for me:
People’s lives here tend to be more packed than my Western friend’s lives. You can find an unemployed person carrying a fully booked planner. Moms are doing three loads of laundry every day for the 4 after school activities their three year old is signed up for. Dad leaves at 7am and comes home at 11pm just to make ends meet in a dead-end job he’s had for 20 years with no hope of promotion. The cool foreign friend you made can’t find a job and will be leaving Japan in 3 months, and doesn’t want to make the effort. These vignettes are all too common.
Where that leaves us is hoping to find a passing train that looks a lot like yours: same age, same hobbies, same work schedule, same aspirations in life. To meet a Japanese person like that is rare, and to meet a foreigner like that you have less than a 1% chance due to the population breakdown.
My point is, keep looking for that passing train. There are signs to look for: invest more time around your neighborhood — be present as a local, and look for things like similar commutes, similar background, similar family structure, similar time off. When you find that … and this is the important part … then the work STARTS. You can’t do the Japanese politeness thing where you don’t push and they don’t push. You have to create a relationship as if you were dating someone, and that means time and money. You have to invest into it. I’m not saying be pushy, but be aware that you are the one responsible for driving the thing forward. Don’t wait for friendship to ‘happen’
In my case, I was lucky to meet a restaurant owner who grew up in a similar situation and can double date with my wife and I sometimes with his girl, or we can just be boys and get drinks after work. It’s not a huge inconvenience for either of us as we’re both busy with our families and jobs and the time spent is different enough, and I work to make it interesting (new places to try etc).
I hope that’s helpful to someone
As someone who is a social butterfly, easy to find new « more or less » close acquaintances and friends, I can only confirm that finding real meaningful relationships is really hard everywhere. I believe, however, that it’s generally harder in another country.
Somehow, it’s partly a question of luck…
Sometimes, we try everything to get close with people on apps, going to events or activities related to interests, etc, but a new bff can appear without any expectations at the supermarket or on Reddit, life is strange lol
Even though I have the luck to meet and know many people, I’m very alone without any truly close and meaningful friends anymore (from my own criteria), no matter how much I love the few ones I consider as friends.
I think it’s also based on what we’re looking for.
As we grew up, we’re often more exigeant with what we want and who we want around us.
On my side, being gifted also makes it harder to find people I truly deeply get along and feel a real meaningful connection with, and having traumatic issues which influences that too, so that might be your case as well.
Not sure if my comment truly helped, but please remember that you are perfect as you are and you seem to do most of the options available to you in order to meet friends or the right person for you already, for sure you will end up meeting a real good meaningful person, it’s just a question of time 💜 wishing the best!
こんにちは。英語でお伝えできる自信がないので日本語で失礼します。
ちょうど最近日本でも似たことがwebの記事で話題になっていたので、（[https://nlab.itmedia.co.jp/nl/articles/2206/10/news045_2.html](https://nlab.itmedia.co.jp/nl/articles/2206/10/news045_2.html) ）私も「社会人になっての友人作りの難しさ」について考えていたところです。
日本語もお上手で、積極的にサークル参加や交流の場へ足をむけられているという自発的な努力もたくさんされている。なのに結果が付いてこないと報われなくて疲れちゃいますよね。
Redditでやりとりを問題なくされているのであなたがそうだとは言いませんが、私の友人たちにいわゆる「コミュ障」たちがいます。彼らは幼いころから努力家で、すごく仕事もできる。ルックスも悪くない。なのに、恋愛や友人関係が（求めているのに！）うまくいきません。
私から見るとその原因は明らかで「自分の話はしたいけど人の話は聞きたくない」というスタンスだからです。
彼から「Tinderで女の子と会ったけど全然話が弾まなかった話」を聞いたのですが「服と芸能人の話ばかりだったからつまらなかった。もっと実のある話がしたかった」と言っていました。
「じゃああなたはどんな実のある話をしたの？」と聞いてみたら、「有名人と会ったとか、こんな大きな案件をやったとかの仕事の話をしたら”すごいねー！”って喜んでたよ。向こうばかり喜んで、自分は面白くなかったので損をした」と。
この場合、彼女は心からすごいと思ったというより、話を合わせるため・仲良くなるために肯定して「すごいねー」と言っているのです。
「あなたと仲良くなってみたい」という意思表示が「肯定して受け入れるスタンスで会話をすること」なんです。
だから、この場合ならたとえ服や芸能人に興味がなくても、興味を持ってみる。
「自分はあまり服を気にしないほうだけど、どんなのが今流行ってるのか興味を持ってきたので教えて」とか、「その芸能人ってどんなドラマに出てるの？面白い？」とか知りたい気持ちを持ってみること、これが友達を作ることの第一歩じゃないでしょうか。
「そんな上っ面の社会性に価値はない、その価値観も含めてほんとうに話合う人と出会いたい」と思うかもしれませんが、人は初めて出会った人に自分の本当の姿・本音なんて見せません。何度も会って、心を許せるようになって初めて少しずつ出せていくんです。
なので、場所は大事じゃないんです。
会社でも、駅でも、喫茶店やバーのマスターとでも、交流会やパーティー、サークルでもいいので、
「人の話を否定せずに聞いてみる、聞き上手・good listnerになること」ということをやってみることをお勧めします。
母語話者の私も難解に感じることが多い日本語をN1レベルで習得されているということなので、大変な学習努力を重ねられたあなたなら、必ずいい友人ができますよ。
All people come and go. That said, I have made friends just by being friendly to people. Try talking to them about their hobbies, and if they’re not full of themselves they usually ask me back and sometimes we end up liking the same things. In my case, I like hiking, running, etc. and eventually invite them to come with if I think they’re cool. If they come and we have a good time, then we do it agaIn later. Sometimes I will see something on the internet and chat them up about it.
Just trying to reach out here and there makes a huge difference because most people don’t. They might want to but are scared, busy, don’t want to impose, etc. Doesn’t always mean they don’t like you. Just happens to end up that way.
I may not have a large group of friends, but I try to be genuine with people I meet and the ones who vibe with me stick around. I think if you do things you enjoy it shows too. You seem more happy, lively, etc. and that can be inviting for people too.
I don’t know much about Japanese day to day life in Japan, but some friendly advice.
If you ever meet someone in Japan and end up being in a relationship with them, remember that if you get married and have kids, and eventually it goes south, your partner is legally permitted to kidnap your child, have sole custody and you will never see that child until they are 18, and you will likely be deported or put in jail if you attempted to see the child. So before ever getting serious and potentially having a kid in Japan, keep in mind that there is no joint custody, and under law(I think) children are considered property of the household.
A lot of excellent advice on here. My two cents. I’ve formed life long friendships with people through Martial Arts clubs if your into that sort of thing or willing to give it a try. Not all clubs are the same but usually going through those things together builds strong bonds. Training together weekly. Exercising together, cheering for each other, learning from each other.
Good luck. : )
As an African living in Nagasaki, I think life is really very cold here. One could almost slip into depression due to loneliness. I have been seeking to have a girlfriend for almost three years, no success. I am just counting my days to finish my PhD and zoom back home.