I’m a student in Japan for over six months now and I am miserable. Not that I hate Japan, I do like living here, but as a foreign woman it feels isolating. I’ve gotten used to the staring, but I can’t lie and say that it still doesn’t make me feel anxious. Especially since I’m always walking alone since I have no friends here. I’ve gotten so desperate to talk to another person that I downloaded tinder but it was a huge mistake. The fetishization of blonde women in Japan is disgusting, and now I feel even more uncomfortable when people stare at me after the kinds of things people said to me on that app. I have deleted the app now but I got so lonely I had no choice but to try. I am a research student so my schedule is very busy and I don’t have time to join any clubs or anything to meet people. I’ve tried talking to people in my classes and striking up conversations with strangers at bus stations and shops but it never goes past a few nice texts. I’ve bought people in my class sweets from my trips and I’ve been as kind as I can always offering to help them with their assignments and things which they seem to enjoy. However, when I ask if they want to hangout but they either say they are busy or leave me on read. Im offering what I can’t but people seem closed off here so I’m not sure how to make deeper friendships here in Japan. It seems that everyone already has their friend groups and I’m just kinda the odd one out. It’s been really making me feel depressed lately seeing everyone going out and having fun while I’m sitting alone in my apartment working on an essay or eating alone once again. My life is so dull. All I do is chores or homework. I only leave my room for class and for adult tasks like paying bills or going to medical checkups. I’m going to try joining another class that is language exchange is hopefully I can try to meet more people there, but if it’s anything like everyone else I’ve tried to talk to, it won’t go past a few pleasant but empty texts. It’s hurtful and discouraging and if it keeps up, I may drop out of school and return to the US. I’m not sure I can take the mental toll of being isolated and stared at like some outsider. Not to mention my Japanese isn’t the best, so my conversations are very basic. Please any advice for me? I’m not sure how much more of this miserable existence I can take.
15 comments
Hey there, do you play any sports? I’ve found doing things like yoga or badminton is a good way to meet new people
This place can feel isolating sometimes.
Making friends and connections with Japanese people can be challenging sometimes. One adjustment you’ll have to make is that Japanese people aren’t really spontaneous. You kinda have to plan meetings at least a few days to a week in advance, sometimes even more than that.
Join clubs, activity circles, and groups based on your own personal interests. I know you said you’re busy but if the lack of a social life is making you miserable, then you’re gonna have to find a way to make the time. It’s easier to make friends starting from a shared activity because at least you have that in common.
And sometimes…you gotta go with the fetishization. Look, as a tall black man.. I get it. Trust me. But if I turned down every one who approached me because of their curiosity about me I would have missed out on a lot of great relationships. Everything’s gotta start from somewhere, right? And it could be a chance for you to help break stereotypes.
The loneliness of Tokyo is a bottomless pit.
The university that my youngest attends has lots of clubs. Since COVID hit just at the time we moved to Tokyo, she has not been able to develop the network of friends she was used to in Hokkaido—you are not alone (my wife and I haven’t either). Check out some of the clubs at school. I recommend the aikido club if you have one because it has been my experience that we are a friendly and inclusive group. 😉
One of the best things you can do, take a hobby you enjoy, go to a place where you can meet people who love the same hobby.
You may not make friends right away, but you’ll make acquaintances quicker this way, which will turn into friendships (or more).
I did this with fitness, I love to be active, I joined a boxing gym before COVID, now I know a majority of the people in the co mo company.
One step at a time, no steps backwards.
You can go to your city office and ask about city activities and events.
Try meetup, try to find time to start an activity (sport club, painting, instruments, even games…)
There is also a thread on r/tokyo(if you live in Tokyo) for weekly events. I have never been to so idk which kind of people are going there
I also don’t mind to show you around if you like walking.
Good luck and don’t discourage yourself yet, your experience here will be valuable in your life
Japan can be very lonely indeed. Inner circles are reduced here and very difficult to step in. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to be outside of those groups and just be a casual visitor to other groups. Eventually you’ll find the people that suits you better, do not worry about it!
I ain’t reading all that. Just keeping it real y’all
Hi there,
I’m sorry to hear about your current situation here, moving to another country is kinda always makes a person feel a bit isolated because of the new change, I understand how you feel and as a person who was also feeling the same the best thing I did was to join group events from meetup website.
I made some really good friends from these events, so if your time allow it then please give it a chance. Plenty of events are just for conversations and making new connections, but I found that events that are hobbies are usually better because if you like it then you can become a regular and meet same people again and share a fun time together.
And of course, I wouldn’t be me 😀 if I didn’t invite you to try Airsoft with us (I ask every people I talk to try it out because it’s fun and why not)
Don’t lose hope 🙂
Do you wanna become more fluent in japanese, or you just wanna talk? Just keep exchanging experiences in Reddit, as without photos, you will become less sexualized. I found out that Facebook and Tinder are too toxic to use. Reddit in the other hand is less narcisistic and more healthy to know people. Here in Japan everybody is busy all the time and schedules does not match. Leaving messages and replying when you get some spare time is very handy. Tell us what are your plans. We tell yo ours. Good Luck.
I’ve been in japan for a month now and I’m only here for this semester. I’m in a homestay so it’s not too bad, but I definitely get lonely since I want to explore and hang out with people but everyone is always busy or has plans with other people.
I went to Akihabara last weekend and actually was able to distract myself and enjoy myself by playing games and just looking around. Maybe doing something like that could help.
Something I do when I want to go out but don’t have anyone to go with is i go to a ramen place where you order from a machine. I order, sit down, and put on a video and my headphones or I go to Google Maps and find interesting places I would wanna explore and bookmark them. Then when I find someone I can hang out with, I have places we can go saved on my phone.
Or you can go grocery shopping and try a new recipie. Perhaps visit a bookstore a Cafe.
I haven’t been here as long as you have but I do know what your feeling. I’m always looking for people to hang out with and eventually I just end up doing things by myself.
Kinda been thru that phase in 2016 when I was during my internship in a uni up here in Ishikawa, no friends here and zero Japanese language (till today), pretty much alone the entire time. At most the restaurant that I often visit would recognise me and I try to have small chats with them using google translate.
Was fortunate during my masters and PhD (same uni), I met fellow Malaysian students here, mixed with the Chinese lab mates, and internet strangers that turned into friends IRL (both in JP and abroad).
I would say don’t give up hope, it’s kinda a number game and sometimes luck, ppl come and go, but sometimes you may meet people that you can connect with.
If you need someone to chat with, feel free to drop a msg
One of my friends goes to meetups at clubs, cafes, and bars. I don’t know if that’s an option for you but he’s met many japanese and foreign people who is is great friends with now 8 years later.
I wish you the best. I know the feeling just in my home country.
💜💜💜
Tokyo felt more isolating to me even though I was surrounded by more people than the remote city I live in… Also friendships with Japanese people are only surface level and it’ll always be like that (exceptions can’t be examples).
It’s better to find foreigner friends, I’m surviving by hanging out with my friends from my home country. I do have Japanese friends but they are – as you’ve already guessed, surface level friends whom I can’t rely on.
I almost could have written this when I was about 6mos-1 year in. Also a blonde woman who came here alone, I personally never felt sexualized but oof yeah the staring…and zero friends…ashamed to admit I once broke down and cried about it at my workplace lmao…it felt like it would never get better for me, but it did after some time and changes.
A couple things that helped (caveat, not immediate nor easy):
1. I moved to a different area, a bigger city, with more foreign workers as well as tourist attractions. Japanese people here are used to foreigners, we’re part of the everyday, so no stares, kids don’t yell Hello! etc., most shop staff try Japanese first. So I stopped feeling so “fish out of water” almost immediately.
2. I got better at Japanese. With better Japanese comes more independence and confidence, things got easier and more fun rather than exhausting or awkward, I got more curious about trying new places and things rather than overthinking about how communicate this or that.
3. I found a few hobbies I enjoy very much by myself. They fill free time and keep me learning new things and going to new places. And whaddya know, it took 2 years but I met and made two friends that way, and have several others as acquaintances, who share the hobby. All by accident/chance encounters just out doing my thing.
I think the last point was really key for me. If I’m going to be alone I might as well enjoy it! It’s been over 10 years now and I don’t have many friends but am content. I have something that keeps me curious and out of my house. But everyone is different and some people really can’t bear how isolating things can be, and that’s also ok, to decide you need a new situation to protect your mental health.
ETA: this is just my personal opinion, but I don’t find the shallow/surface level acquaintance relationships less valuable than deep relationships. They are both valuable in different ways. The acquaintances are there for each other in that whether it’s a group chat or actual get-together, we create a space where we can forget everything besides our shared hobby for a few hours. We don’t really know each other’s personal lives and I don’t call them when going through a bad breakup lol. But they are still very important to me, as that neutral/fun space. Of course this is a perspective I gained after the need of a more intimate relationship was met.