Normal kyaba are just expensive bars where you pay for expensive drinks while women caked up in makeup and overly flowery dresses talk to you and feign interest in you in order to get you to buy even more expensive drinks. Other than a waste of money, they’re harmless.
They can be harmless, just a place where people in certain industries make business deals. Or it can be a place where the guy blows hundreds of thousands of yen on drinks and gifts for the ladies, hoping to go to dinner or drinks before or after their kyabakura shifts.
It’s not uncommon but also not common for men to visit them — online polls say 20-30% of men have ever visited one.
My company literally has a monthly expense budget just for taking clients to kyabakura lol
I don’t know anyone that goes to those places, but I guess people go, because they’re still in business.
Probably men that are unhappily married and that don’t mind wasting money.
As a guy I would never go, unless someone else paid for it. And if I was in a relationship, of course I wouldn’t go.
This is just my opinion but above all else, they are a huge, huge waste of money haha
But there are a lot of factors involved in deciding whether going to kyaba is “normal”. Things such as his company culture, his boss, his social circle, even the area he grew up in. As an outsider it might seem seedy, but to others it’s seen as a normal part of working/adult life. There are men who choose to go and there are men who “have” to go for work. There are men who enjoy it and men who see it as a chore.
On a purely personal note, I personally wouldn’t be interested in being with a man who enjoys spending money on receiving female attention like that. I probably wouldn’t have an issue with a man who *has* to go, is respectful to the women working there and spends company money doing it though haha. But honestly, it’s a complicated issue and depends heavily on the man’s personality tbh 🙂
Kyabakura are basically overpriced bars with women pretending to be interested in guys to make the business and themselves money. As others said sometimes it’s a way to build work relationships. Sometimes groups of friends go. Sometimes lonely men or men with wandering eyes go to get some attention from someone attractive. Sometimes it’s a temporary escape, sometimes it’s an obligation and sometimes it’s a power thing. For the women it’s in their best interest to avoid getting to too close to customers and in some cases forbidden.
It really depends on the situation on if it’s harmless. If it’s for work, then it might be an expectation. As long as it’s not coming out of his pocket then it’s generally harmless. If he wants to go once to see what it’s like then that’s fine. You could potentially go with him if you’re curious. If he’s going every once in a while with friends and money isn’t a big issue then I think that’s okay. If he’s going frequently on his own and you don’t have a lot of money OR if it’s cutting into time with your family then where it’s a problem.
Kyabakura can be expensive, so I think that’s the biggest concern is a guy falling for one of these women, dropping a ton of money and ultimately it doesn’t lead to anything but debt.
I wouldn’t mind if my husband went a couple times a year with his friends, if he wanted to go when I was out with my friends or if he was going out for work. If he was frequently going by himself or with friends then I would be uncomfortable with that.
The kyabakura is as harmless as your husband wants it to be.
I have been happily married with kids for decades here. I spent many years going to hostess clubs (oh Private Eyes those were some fun times), kyabakura, etc with ‘da boyz’ when I was young in my marriage. Nothing close to infidelity ever happened because I didnt let it happen. I love my wife and would never want to fuck that up. For me it was just good times with my friends. Business accounts paid for most of the evenings.
If your husband is interested in infidelity the kyabakura is probably low on your worry list. I’d be more worried about where he is going *after* the kyabakura. The path to infidelity can be easily found any day and almost any time of the week (Im assuming you are in a big city).
It’s like going to Hooters
I’ve been a few times with colleagues, customers, and friends. They’re harmless fun where you sit and drink and chat with a girl or girls who flirt with you and try to get you to buy them lady drinks at a high markup. Unless you pay extra generally the girls switch off every so often and get moved to different tables.
They’re harmless and some people are able to suspend their disbelief enough to enjoy someone who’s good at acting like they’re interested in you for money.
As others have touched upon, you could put it into two categories: the first, just going with friends/colleagues to drink somewhere where you will be in the company of younger women who will smile and talk with you; the second, when someone goes again and again to the same place and spends lots of money, trying to get a specific girl out for a relationship outside the kyaba establishment (often involving 同伴, like meeting up before to eat, etc., and アフター, like drinking after the shift ends), which does in some cases happen as a kind of quid pro quo thing.
Source: Kyaba friends.
I went to a kyabakura once, made out with one after her shift ended. Good old days!
My husband doesn’t go to them. I would not be okay if he did but we have some issues.
I understand they can get expensive so if he is in charge of the money I think it’s fair to ask questions.
I have read all about that stuff though and have read accounts where afterwards coworkers might go to more brothel type places.
For your own piece of mind you could share locations using Find My app with him. Handy if one of you loses their phone.
I went once for an experience and to check off bucket list. Not worth it.
I’ll never go again. It’s boring
Waste of time and money if married and especially if you have kids. If it’s work expenses with clients then up to you on how much information u want from your husband. Otherwise as others said this habit can take a toll on your budget.
If going often, can be harmful for the wallet. The business itself is “harmless”, but it’s basically where you go to flirt or get flirted on.
Different people have different places where they draw the line for stuff like this, but in my case, going to kyabakura for non-business reasons, is crossing the line.
Perhaps my opinion is slightly different than many who kindly answered your question.
A lot of answers on this thread say that hostess clubs are innocent and just for ‘nomunication’ which has an element of truth, but that’s not the whole picture. I guess a large segment of those people have not spent much time around hostesses or at a hostess club (which I don’t necessarily blame them for)
As a background, I have a lot friends who are hostesses or ex-hostesses here in Tokyo, and many of them had romantic relationships with customers. To be clear, these were not relationships for financial benefit but actually based on mutual romantic or physical interest.
* I know these details because I even wrote several unique research papers in my university days (in Japan Sociology courses) on Japanese Hostess work and culture, and interviewed my hostess friends as subjects for the papers.
Of course, beyond the financial motivations, these hostesses are human too so can fall in love. Often, these relationships were with repeat customers, sometimes married men, who were very used to going to hostess clubs and know that these women are also open to relationships.
These regulars are aware that you can actually have a serious relationship with these women if they are 1) interested in the customer 2) their manager is fine with you dating them (sometimes this is secret and the hostess will not even tell the bar owner, although she is requested too)
From the girls’ side, some of the main reason they said they were open to romantic relationships with customers were:
1) only customers would understand their line of work and have less issue dating someone with that job
2) due to the late night hours, most hostesses sleep through the day and are exhausted on weekends so have few chances to meet men outside work (not exactly but somewhat similar to office workers dating within their company)
3) the hostesses I spoke with love drinking, socializing, and can be quite energetic (you may think this describes most people, but hostesses can be borderline alcoholic and super energetic, go-go types), so they enjoy the company of men with a similar interests and they are very likely to meet these people… at their work!
Still, this doesn’t mean your husband is up to anything but thought to share my two cents above.
It all just depends if your husband is going for his own personal leisure or with his company / co-workers.
It might be a talking point if he goes for his own leisure and is sinking all his money into it.
But if his work drags him to them, he doesn’t really have a choice. You don’t really have the opportunity to tell your bosses no here and doing so would lead to career suicide. So as long as the company pays and he only goes when required, I say no harm no foul.
Ooof, I got dragged to a club once as part of a neighborhood guy’s 40th birthday celebration. It was the cringiest thing. I just don’t understand them at all.
Talk to the person who has you asking these questions.
Girls bars and, by extension, kyabakura, are a huge waste of money first and foremost. Aside from that, it’s really weird to me that people pay exorbitant amounts of money for a bit of fake interest from the opposite sex.
It’s whack.
However, it’s normalized in Japan to the point that some company salespeople and executives take their clients to kyabakura.
Only you can say what you’re comfortable with and only the other person can truly answer your questions. Be honest with them, be open to what they have to say, don’t give into gaslighting and see how it goes.
I’m most concerned about you not knowing he was going for a while. How long was he going for before you found out?
Regardless of the reasons he goes, I’m very concerned that he hasn’t been upfront and honest about it with you until now. This seems like the kind of place you’d be honest about, and if you weren’t that gets way suspicious way fast.
That said, I would not be okay with my husband going. We have discussed this. I agree with the other posters that you might have to let it slide if it’s somewhere he has to go because his boss is pressuring him or it’s for a business deal. I personally would not be able to handle being with a man who works amongst such a sexist work culture. Been there, done that, got burned. I would never date a man in sales in japan. Maybe that’s just cause I got burned by one. But I digress…
If he’s in business you may need to let it slide. But he really should have been honest with you about it from the start…that’s what I’d want to know.
From my experience, going with friends or coworkers every now and then is fine with the wife, especially if a higher up from the company pays for it. It’s usually just talking, the girl might sit close enough to rub up on you a bit but otherwise harmless. There are certain types of kyaba that get much more physical though so may want to check that.
also if i go by myself completely wasted and get taken for a very expensive ride with me buying bottles of champange, I’m gonna get in trouble.
I worked at a popular one for over a year. There can be unsavory transactions behind the scenes directly between girls and customers, but the vast, vast majority of customers just drink, chat and go home after.
I’ve been to one once for business purposes. A bunch of us were invited by client. Within the bunch also included other female employees. There were at least 40+ people so that was pretty much a spontaneous party scene. We were in 貸切 area and 2 girls came in. They work with limited time slots. The conversations weren’t flirty. In fact it was totally business as usual and the girls kept giggling.
Overall it was a waste of time. Other male employees also didn’t enjoy it and wished they could go home. Most people know the conversations are mostly superficial and scripted. To answer your question, yes it is mostly harmless in businesses unless you become hooked on it.
I sometimes get taken to them by clients. Wife is fully aware, doesn’t mind, often enjoys hearing about it. It’s generally just talking, though some guys try to get a little hands on, particularly the older guys.
That being said I’m not the one paying for it, I personally would never spend my own money on it.
Don’t believe these people saying it’s normal or harmless. They are foreigners and have no clue. Many if not most Japanese men frequent kyabakura in hopes to have something intimate with the girl including sex. There have been many cases of kyabakura girls sleeping with the clients. Even if your husband says he is not going for that, the chances of him cheating someday is high. That’s common sense.
edit: Assuming your husband is Japanese
I see a lot of answers saying they’re ‘harmless’, but my belief is that if you’re putting yourself in a situation where 1) you’re giving the opposite sex beyond-friends attention, 2) you’re spending money on them/their attention 3) there’s alcohol and getting you wasted is the goal, or 4) you’re in a place where lines can start to get blurred…. it ain’t harmless. Especially #4. Don’t play with temptation or put yourself in situations that already are taboo or raise a concerned eyebrow.
Same with strip clubs, for me.
He has a choice even if his work buddies into it. Everyone has a choice.
Massive waste of money, completely pointless and if he’s married then what enjoyment is he getting from it? Why can’t he and the lads just go to an Izakaya and chat? Why he need the girls there
In a healthy relationship, one does not go to a cabaret club. We may have different views on that, though.
Let me put it this way. Would your husband pay money to go drink and talk with strange men? No? So what is he getting out of talking to these women? Many male commenters here will claim that it’s harmless because there is no sex, but they don’t understand the concept of emotional cheating.
If it is a work thing, I wouldn’t put too much thought in it. That is pretty normal, and if his work is paying for it, he is just along for the ride.
If he is going alone, instead of spending time with you. Then some questions would come up like are you giving him enough attention at home or even more, is he an attention seeking hoondog.
30 comments
Let me guess, your husband went?
Normal kyaba are just expensive bars where you pay for expensive drinks while women caked up in makeup and overly flowery dresses talk to you and feign interest in you in order to get you to buy even more expensive drinks. Other than a waste of money, they’re harmless.
They can be harmless, just a place where people in certain industries make business deals. Or it can be a place where the guy blows hundreds of thousands of yen on drinks and gifts for the ladies, hoping to go to dinner or drinks before or after their kyabakura shifts.
It’s not uncommon but also not common for men to visit them — online polls say 20-30% of men have ever visited one.
My company literally has a monthly expense budget just for taking clients to kyabakura lol
I don’t know anyone that goes to those places, but I guess people go, because they’re still in business.
Probably men that are unhappily married and that don’t mind wasting money.
As a guy I would never go, unless someone else paid for it. And if I was in a relationship, of course I wouldn’t go.
This is just my opinion but above all else, they are a huge, huge waste of money haha
But there are a lot of factors involved in deciding whether going to kyaba is “normal”. Things such as his company culture, his boss, his social circle, even the area he grew up in. As an outsider it might seem seedy, but to others it’s seen as a normal part of working/adult life. There are men who choose to go and there are men who “have” to go for work. There are men who enjoy it and men who see it as a chore.
On a purely personal note, I personally wouldn’t be interested in being with a man who enjoys spending money on receiving female attention like that. I probably wouldn’t have an issue with a man who *has* to go, is respectful to the women working there and spends company money doing it though haha. But honestly, it’s a complicated issue and depends heavily on the man’s personality tbh 🙂
Kyabakura are basically overpriced bars with women pretending to be interested in guys to make the business and themselves money. As others said sometimes it’s a way to build work relationships. Sometimes groups of friends go. Sometimes lonely men or men with wandering eyes go to get some attention from someone attractive. Sometimes it’s a temporary escape, sometimes it’s an obligation and sometimes it’s a power thing. For the women it’s in their best interest to avoid getting to too close to customers and in some cases forbidden.
It really depends on the situation on if it’s harmless. If it’s for work, then it might be an expectation. As long as it’s not coming out of his pocket then it’s generally harmless. If he wants to go once to see what it’s like then that’s fine. You could potentially go with him if you’re curious. If he’s going every once in a while with friends and money isn’t a big issue then I think that’s okay. If he’s going frequently on his own and you don’t have a lot of money OR if it’s cutting into time with your family then where it’s a problem.
Kyabakura can be expensive, so I think that’s the biggest concern is a guy falling for one of these women, dropping a ton of money and ultimately it doesn’t lead to anything but debt.
I wouldn’t mind if my husband went a couple times a year with his friends, if he wanted to go when I was out with my friends or if he was going out for work. If he was frequently going by himself or with friends then I would be uncomfortable with that.
The kyabakura is as harmless as your husband wants it to be.
I have been happily married with kids for decades here. I spent many years going to hostess clubs (oh Private Eyes those were some fun times), kyabakura, etc with ‘da boyz’ when I was young in my marriage. Nothing close to infidelity ever happened because I didnt let it happen. I love my wife and would never want to fuck that up. For me it was just good times with my friends. Business accounts paid for most of the evenings.
If your husband is interested in infidelity the kyabakura is probably low on your worry list. I’d be more worried about where he is going *after* the kyabakura. The path to infidelity can be easily found any day and almost any time of the week (Im assuming you are in a big city).
It’s like going to Hooters
I’ve been a few times with colleagues, customers, and friends. They’re harmless fun where you sit and drink and chat with a girl or girls who flirt with you and try to get you to buy them lady drinks at a high markup. Unless you pay extra generally the girls switch off every so often and get moved to different tables.
They’re harmless and some people are able to suspend their disbelief enough to enjoy someone who’s good at acting like they’re interested in you for money.
As others have touched upon, you could put it into two categories: the first, just going with friends/colleagues to drink somewhere where you will be in the company of younger women who will smile and talk with you; the second, when someone goes again and again to the same place and spends lots of money, trying to get a specific girl out for a relationship outside the kyaba establishment (often involving 同伴, like meeting up before to eat, etc., and アフター, like drinking after the shift ends), which does in some cases happen as a kind of quid pro quo thing.
Source: Kyaba friends.
I went to a kyabakura once, made out with one after her shift ended. Good old days!
My husband doesn’t go to them. I would not be okay if he did but we have some issues.
I understand they can get expensive so if he is in charge of the money I think it’s fair to ask questions.
I have read all about that stuff though and have read accounts where afterwards coworkers might go to more brothel type places.
For your own piece of mind you could share locations using Find My app with him. Handy if one of you loses their phone.
I went once for an experience and to check off bucket list. Not worth it.
I’ll never go again. It’s boring
Waste of time and money if married and especially if you have kids. If it’s work expenses with clients then up to you on how much information u want from your husband. Otherwise as others said this habit can take a toll on your budget.
If going often, can be harmful for the wallet. The business itself is “harmless”, but it’s basically where you go to flirt or get flirted on.
Different people have different places where they draw the line for stuff like this, but in my case, going to kyabakura for non-business reasons, is crossing the line.
Perhaps my opinion is slightly different than many who kindly answered your question.
A lot of answers on this thread say that hostess clubs are innocent and just for ‘nomunication’ which has an element of truth, but that’s not the whole picture. I guess a large segment of those people have not spent much time around hostesses or at a hostess club (which I don’t necessarily blame them for)
As a background, I have a lot friends who are hostesses or ex-hostesses here in Tokyo, and many of them had romantic relationships with customers. To be clear, these were not relationships for financial benefit but actually based on mutual romantic or physical interest.
* I know these details because I even wrote several unique research papers in my university days (in Japan Sociology courses) on Japanese Hostess work and culture, and interviewed my hostess friends as subjects for the papers.
Of course, beyond the financial motivations, these hostesses are human too so can fall in love. Often, these relationships were with repeat customers, sometimes married men, who were very used to going to hostess clubs and know that these women are also open to relationships.
These regulars are aware that you can actually have a serious relationship with these women if they are 1) interested in the customer 2) their manager is fine with you dating them (sometimes this is secret and the hostess will not even tell the bar owner, although she is requested too)
From the girls’ side, some of the main reason they said they were open to romantic relationships with customers were:
1) only customers would understand their line of work and have less issue dating someone with that job
2) due to the late night hours, most hostesses sleep through the day and are exhausted on weekends so have few chances to meet men outside work (not exactly but somewhat similar to office workers dating within their company)
3) the hostesses I spoke with love drinking, socializing, and can be quite energetic (you may think this describes most people, but hostesses can be borderline alcoholic and super energetic, go-go types), so they enjoy the company of men with a similar interests and they are very likely to meet these people… at their work!
Still, this doesn’t mean your husband is up to anything but thought to share my two cents above.
It all just depends if your husband is going for his own personal leisure or with his company / co-workers.
It might be a talking point if he goes for his own leisure and is sinking all his money into it.
But if his work drags him to them, he doesn’t really have a choice. You don’t really have the opportunity to tell your bosses no here and doing so would lead to career suicide. So as long as the company pays and he only goes when required, I say no harm no foul.
Ooof, I got dragged to a club once as part of a neighborhood guy’s 40th birthday celebration. It was the cringiest thing. I just don’t understand them at all.
Talk to the person who has you asking these questions.
Girls bars and, by extension, kyabakura, are a huge waste of money first and foremost. Aside from that, it’s really weird to me that people pay exorbitant amounts of money for a bit of fake interest from the opposite sex.
It’s whack.
However, it’s normalized in Japan to the point that some company salespeople and executives take their clients to kyabakura.
Only you can say what you’re comfortable with and only the other person can truly answer your questions. Be honest with them, be open to what they have to say, don’t give into gaslighting and see how it goes.
I’m most concerned about you not knowing he was going for a while. How long was he going for before you found out?
Regardless of the reasons he goes, I’m very concerned that he hasn’t been upfront and honest about it with you until now. This seems like the kind of place you’d be honest about, and if you weren’t that gets way suspicious way fast.
That said, I would not be okay with my husband going. We have discussed this. I agree with the other posters that you might have to let it slide if it’s somewhere he has to go because his boss is pressuring him or it’s for a business deal. I personally would not be able to handle being with a man who works amongst such a sexist work culture. Been there, done that, got burned. I would never date a man in sales in japan. Maybe that’s just cause I got burned by one. But I digress…
If he’s in business you may need to let it slide. But he really should have been honest with you about it from the start…that’s what I’d want to know.
From my experience, going with friends or coworkers every now and then is fine with the wife, especially if a higher up from the company pays for it. It’s usually just talking, the girl might sit close enough to rub up on you a bit but otherwise harmless. There are certain types of kyaba that get much more physical though so may want to check that.
also if i go by myself completely wasted and get taken for a very expensive ride with me buying bottles of champange, I’m gonna get in trouble.
I worked at a popular one for over a year. There can be unsavory transactions behind the scenes directly between girls and customers, but the vast, vast majority of customers just drink, chat and go home after.
I’ve been to one once for business purposes. A bunch of us were invited by client. Within the bunch also included other female employees. There were at least 40+ people so that was pretty much a spontaneous party scene. We were in 貸切 area and 2 girls came in. They work with limited time slots. The conversations weren’t flirty. In fact it was totally business as usual and the girls kept giggling.
Overall it was a waste of time. Other male employees also didn’t enjoy it and wished they could go home. Most people know the conversations are mostly superficial and scripted. To answer your question, yes it is mostly harmless in businesses unless you become hooked on it.
I sometimes get taken to them by clients. Wife is fully aware, doesn’t mind, often enjoys hearing about it. It’s generally just talking, though some guys try to get a little hands on, particularly the older guys.
That being said I’m not the one paying for it, I personally would never spend my own money on it.
Don’t believe these people saying it’s normal or harmless. They are foreigners and have no clue. Many if not most Japanese men frequent kyabakura in hopes to have something intimate with the girl including sex. There have been many cases of kyabakura girls sleeping with the clients. Even if your husband says he is not going for that, the chances of him cheating someday is high. That’s common sense.
edit: Assuming your husband is Japanese
I see a lot of answers saying they’re ‘harmless’, but my belief is that if you’re putting yourself in a situation where 1) you’re giving the opposite sex beyond-friends attention, 2) you’re spending money on them/their attention 3) there’s alcohol and getting you wasted is the goal, or 4) you’re in a place where lines can start to get blurred…. it ain’t harmless. Especially #4. Don’t play with temptation or put yourself in situations that already are taboo or raise a concerned eyebrow.
Same with strip clubs, for me.
He has a choice even if his work buddies into it. Everyone has a choice.
Massive waste of money, completely pointless and if he’s married then what enjoyment is he getting from it? Why can’t he and the lads just go to an Izakaya and chat? Why he need the girls there
In a healthy relationship, one does not go to a cabaret club. We may have different views on that, though.
Let me put it this way. Would your husband pay money to go drink and talk with strange men? No? So what is he getting out of talking to these women? Many male commenters here will claim that it’s harmless because there is no sex, but they don’t understand the concept of emotional cheating.
If it is a work thing, I wouldn’t put too much thought in it. That is pretty normal, and if his work is paying for it, he is just along for the ride.
If he is going alone, instead of spending time with you. Then some questions would come up like are you giving him enough attention at home or even more, is he an attention seeking hoondog.