I first thought I would ask for tips on how to this or that, but actually I just terribly need encouragements

Hi and thanks for reading my post, and wow it’s so long I’m sorry.

So here is my situation:

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I’ve been living in Japan for the past few years.

Most of the Japanese I know, I learned it first through a textbook and a grammar book by myself, and then mostly by living here and talking with people, with a grammar or vocabulary check here and there on this or that point.

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My level last September was:

Very easy and generally smooth casual conversation, but with still moments in the conversation that were frustrating, “sorry what do you mean here”, or “how do say that”. Luckily I’m good at expressing things when I don’t have the exact word, and at understanding between the words what my interlocutor says, but sometimes it has its limits, and sometimes it’s also a pain for the person I’m talking with, even though they always react kindly.

Generally very decent grammar on what I knew, but very partial considering the vast ocean of Japanese grammar.

Reading of course hiragana and katakana, and maybe 2 or 300 hundred kanji learned with time through messaging, and a few hundred more learned through Anki recognition deck, but these ones without their prununciation, and mostly forgotten when I stopped practicing.

No kanji handwriting.

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So since last September I decided to take a real class (which I knew I should and wanted to do for a very long time), to remove the frustrating occasional stops in the conversation and being able to interact completely smoothly at least in the daily conversation, to speak a richer Japanese, to read and write enough for the environing world to be generally readable, and to be able to work at a Japanese-only-speaking job that wouldn’t be a konbini.

So I entered N4, speaking a much easier Japanese than my strictly N4 beginner fellows, but only N4 due to my lack of kanji and limited vocabulary. But considered a “wow you speak so well” guy, whether by teachers, school staff, students. You speak so well, but, many blank spaces in vocabulary and no kanji, so obviously N4.

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My problem is, since that time (last September), 90 % of my supposed to be study time has been stolen by things that it wouldn’t be the point to detail here, but much much less interesting and fun than learning Japanese.

Grammar was fine because I can understand it and remember it quickly, but exxxtremely few vocabulary learning, and almost none kanji learning past the first 2 months out of 4.

Still I managed to pass the N4 exam to N3 ギリギリ, but didn’t make it to N2 (obviously).

As a result, I’m now in the middle of retaking N3, and I can say that from the past 8-9 months, all in all I could only study an equivalent of say 2 months.

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So where I stand now is:

Generally completely up to date with grammar

Generally very easy with oral comprehension

Bullcrap at kanji reading, over bullcrap at kanji writing

Bullcrap at vocabulary

And as a result of the last two, struggling as hell in reading comprehension as you can guess.

Basically I do ok to decipher a text by logical analysis step by step even without really understanding what it says, and to answer a question (like, this kanji is here, they ask me about that sentence, this other kanji is there… like I can answer but as if I was answering with a medieval German text), but I do half a test.

So at the final test of my first N3, I had 48 out of 100 in reading comprehension, which is super insufficient, but having done half of the test, which becomes fairly decent. Still, obviously, I need to be able to understand twice as fast and do the whole test (not as much for the test, as for just “reading and understanding Japanese”).

And even in grammar, when I don’t understand the words of a sentence, obviously I can’t choose the right formula to add at a certain point of the sentence, even if I understand the meaning of all the grammatical formulas on the strictly grammatical level.

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So, no surprise, this lack of kanji and of vocabulary is ruining most of the whole, and I’m some sort of ship with 2 million holes, and the more it goes the more I’m just sinking.

Which is even more frustrating considering that I originally have an advantage as a speaker on certain parts of the learning, and that I’m a good “understander”, good and pretty easy learner, and serious at doing things.

So basically it’s killing me while I should be killing it (sorry if it sounds like boasting, I just know myself), and it’s really frustrating that this is all not because “Japanese is difficult”, but because “I had my study time ruined by things totally unrelated to Japanese and totally out of my control”.

All of this is also made even more frustrating because I’m not at a student age anymore, and taking this learning year even in complicate conditions is a real luck, and I won’t be able to do it eternally, and most of it has been a waste of time and money instead of being a way to improve myself and make me happy. (Because I also love discovering, understanding more and learning more, and I love every single step where my Japanese becomes better than previously.)

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So now I’m supposed to have my final exam somewhere in June and pass JLPT N3 early July, and I have no damn clue how I will do that, even less considering that even now, I still must devote a fair amount of time to something else that happens to be important.

And these past days, I’ve came to a point where I open a vocabulary or kanji list, and at the first mistake I make, I just wanna cry close the book stare at the wall stop class abandon everything and go back unhappy and failing to my home country. Which, sucks as hell.

I recently had an afternoon of tests, after a couple of hours struggling for so little result I just wanted to close my laptop and message 先生、OK もういい諦めるバイバイ and you can unsubscribe me from school.

(Which would also incidentally kill my visa. And LAST thing I want is to leave Japan, and the only thing I want even less is going back to my home country.)

Last kanji test, I did the first questions, knew a few answers and not the others, and even knowing later in the test there would be easier questions I would be able to answer I just scrolled the page without looking until the bottom of the page with the “send” button, and pressed it. The whole lasted like 1 minute 30.

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So to sum it all up, it’s just completely depressing, and makes me feel like shit, when I should be so happy to learn and improve, and as I said it’s even more incredibly frustrating that it’s not because I struggle with Japanese language but because of things that kept me away from studying, when what I wanted was just studying, and that as a result I now don’t have the material I should be having at this point of time.

(On a concrete level, last mid-term full N3 test I had roughly 210/400. Not bad relatively if you consider I learned probably less than 100 words since September, but super bad absolutely.)

So recently I’ve been considering making a miracle run until July’s JLPT (N3), hopefully pass it, then taking a couple of months break to go back to my country, see my family and friends there, and review eveything I have missed, learn it solidly, and then come back to Japan and go back to learning with N2.

But obviously, the fact that this learning has became depressing is far from helping the study, for instance reducing my yesterday Sunday-study-plan from six hours planned to six minutes vocabulary and six hours depressed in my bed.

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So in this situation I don’t know how ot get out of this vicious circle and go back to “I can do it and I will do it”, and I don’t know how to catch-up with everything I’m supposed to, and I’m even so pissed that when I see a kanji I definitely know, I’m psychologically blocked and it doesn’t pop up and I can’t seem to search for it in my memory and I just skip it in one second. And so I’m even down my real level because of that.

So, all of this sucks, and I’ll take anything from my fellow learners that you could tell me, if you’ve been there and how you overcame it, or tips, whether learning ones or “self-psychology” ones or whatever you call them, or, I don’t know, really I’ll take whatever help and support.

Sorry for bothering you with such a long message, and only about myself, sorry if there are things that sound pretentious, that’s not what I mean, or whatever they could sound like, and mostly thank you very much in advance for anything you would tell me.

Thank you.