RResidents in Japan

Divorce Lawyer Recommendations

Burner account for reasons.

Need a lawyer for divorce. Wife and I have a young child.

Wife just got in a physical altercation with me, and I have video of the incident, in which she is throwing punches and kicking while I try and deescalate.

Anyone experienced this kind of thing? I know usually for child custody, the courts side with the wife. If there is evidence of DV, spousal abuse, I was curious what my odds are of keeping custody of my child after divorce.

12 comments

  1. Tough to say, and I am not an expert at all. I recall reading several years ago that it can depend a lot on who has physical custody of the child at the time of separation. In this case, you are correct to keep your intentions secret. Try to keep her from running away to her parents house with the child. Once your intention to divorce becomes clear, she will probably attempt to take the child to her parents or other family member where she can deny you physical access.

    Your other inclination is correct: lawyer up. Find out how you can protect the child and keep it in your custody as the paperwork proceeds. Video evidence of your wife’s inappropriate behavior will probably help persuade the courts from making changes to the child’s physical custodianship, but guessing they wouldn’t do much to flip custodianship in your favor should she have established it elsewhere.

    Please let us know the outcome. My naive opinions may be completely wrong so take it with a pinch or three of salt, and I apologize if this misleads you in any way.

  2. While I feel sorry for anyone going through this, at this point (if it hasn’t been done already), can we have a list of reliable English speaking lawyers (especially for divorce) pinned somewhere? This topic comes up way too often and people probably need easier access for these information.

  3. Your embassy has information. If she is physically abusive to your child too, why not buy 2 plane tickets and return to your country. She would do it to you. Get in first.

  5. Don’t know of any but here is an upvote and a comment to boost visibility.

  7. Maybe this isn’t helpful for you but I’ll share my story. My wife had severe postpartum depression after the birth of our second child. She was extremely stressed out and always angry. The smallest mistake on my part would set her off. She had what I would describe as tamper tantrums. She completely trashed my home office once. While a long time ago when we fought we never used the D word no matter how bad the fight, it now came up eat least twice a week, and each time edging closer and closer. She got physical with me 3 or 4 times. I never hit back but she would get hurt sometimes from me trying to restrain her to calm her down or prevent her from hurting herself flailing. I took pictures and secretly recorded a few our fights, just in case. She never threatened to take our kids away but she did threaten to leave us and go live with her parents.

    Things were bad. She refused counseling. So I decided to do one last thing. I took a 4 month sabbatical and spent every hour she did doing anything and everything needed. I made it a rule to never take a rest if she was working. There were some jobs she wouldn’t let me do (loading the dishwasher) but that was fine I would just make sure to spend that time cleaning something else or doing some other dirty job. And things got better. We rarely fought and she seemed more like herself. Now our youngest is two and we get a couple hours of free time every night, but that first year was hell.

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t get divorced—only you know your situation. But for me personally the physical violence was NOT the final straw. It was a wake up call that something drastic had to change and my wife was having what seemed to be a serious psychological break. I’m not says violence is acceptable but it was so out of character for her that I knew I had to explore other options first. I love her with all my heart and so glad we got through it.

  8. It’s complicated. If you have a video of you being assaulted, go to the police, have her arrested and investigated. You can then file for a protective order. This will be to your benefit when entering divorce proceedings. It is possible that the police will suggest that the child goes into government care. If they do push for this, withdraw your statement, get a lawyer and come back. It is very undesirable for you and your child.

    The courts prefer the children to remain where they are. Whoever has custody at separation, generally retains custody. However, the courts also prefer Japanese children to be raised by Japanese parents. Bringing evidence of abuse(like an arrest and protective order) will be a huge strike against her. It’ll give you about 6 months to establish primary caregiver, and prepare your case. Make sure to emphasize abusive behaviour when you do.

    For lawyers, just contact your embassy, they can give you a list of lawyers who speak your language. Note that embassy “approved” lawyers are not actually vetted by the embassy. They simply registered with the embassy, and the embassy has not received a complaint that would lead to their removal.

  9. Wish you the best mate. Really hope you find a way around the issues for your sake and that of the little one!

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