My wife’s grandparent just passed away. What do I need to do?

19 comments

1. I would think this is something you should talk to your wife about. Family expectations and whatnot.

2. You need to just keep supporting your wife, and her family. That’s about it.

   Oh. Buy a black suit, if you don’t have one already.

3. You ate not allowed to wear any color other than black.

4. In your everyday life? No, just wear your normal clothes.

   At the funeral you will need a black suit with a black tie, so if you don’t have one get one.

   I don’t know if everyone brings their own nenju to a funeral (we do) but can’t hurt to pick one up. Cheap one is fine. Daiso even has them, near the funeral cards. Keep it on your left wrist when it’s out and don’t put it on the floor.

   If you go to the crematory you may be asked to help place the bones in the urn with chopsticks. Don’t be weird about it.

   Sorry for your loss.

5. This happened to me recently. You need to do whatever she tells you too. You will probably have to spend the night at a funeral hall, burn incense, look sad, and pick up some bones.

6. In addition to what everyone wrote, ask your wife to give you a quick explanation prayer “process” during the funeral – how many times to bow, how many times to place the incense, which fingers to use when picking up the incense, etc.

7. > what one needs to do when a family member passed?

   Frankly, if you keep your head down, stay in the background, and follow whatever everyone else is doing at the funeral you’ll be ok since nobody expects you as a foreigner to be funeral savvy. There will be many young Japanese who will be in the same boat as you not understanding the funeral biz and just copying what the older people are doing.too.

   Read more at:

   * https://savvytokyo.com/funerals-japan-etiquette-rituals/

   >Am I not allowed to wear something of a certain color?

   You are supposed to wear a black suit, white shirt, black tie, and black shoes. If you can wear Japanese micro-sized clothing, you can rent a black funeral outfit from a tuxedo rental company (or for about the same the price just buy the lowest cost outfit from a discount suit store like Aoki). In Tokyo there are a couple of foreign sized suit rental places but they aren’t cheap.

   **HINT**: If you’re a robust, large gaijin male, getting any Japanese funeral suit to fit is a pain. Especially in the dead of hell-hot Japanese summer, I just wear a white shirt, black tie, black slacks, and black shoes— Good ‘nough. Unless your wife family is fussy-formal and mega-rich, nobody will care.

8. Be sure to read up on the chopsticks/bone thing. I didn’t and man was that a shocker.

9. Buy a black suit, tell your parents about it and that they should give a decent amount in koden if they can because her parents will likely give koden without being asked to if your grandparents or parents pass. If you have small kids, you are probably the one who has to watch over them while the ceremonies are going on and need to make the call if they are well behaved enough to be present or wait outside while it is going on.

10. Based on when my wife’s grandparents died, there was nothing in particular that *we* needed to do.

    For the funeral, make sure that you have a presentable black suit, black tie, white shirt, and black shoes. You’ll probably need a Buddhist rosary too.

    You’ll need to get funerary envelopes for the money. I forget the amount, but it’s going to be at least 30,000. Probably more, as you’re close family.

    You probably won’t have to do anything, just be there.

    As others have mentioned, there’ll be a service and a wake, where you’ll probably have dinner with the deceased. Open casket, very probably.

    If you have very small children, you might be excused here.

    The funeral and cremation itself will be the next day. Things’ll probably get pretty emotional with the final send off, so give your wife a lot of support here.

    There’ll probably be a meal for a few hours while the cremation does its work.

    Afterwards, the crematorium man will explain what each bone was, as you all pair up to place the pieces into the urn. The man will tidy up and present the urn to the surviving next of kin.

    Afterwards, you’ll go home, go to the pub, etc.

    You should check the details with your wife, along with stoic hugs.

11. Establish an alibi?

12. Everything else is already covered, but you’ll also be expected to prepare a monetary gift for the funeral – typically for adult grandchildren the expectation is 100,000 yen or so. Old bills, not new ones – if new ones are all you have, you should crumple them up a little and then smooth them out again. These go in a standard envelope, your wife will know which one to buy.

13. How much you and more importantly your wife needs to do, will depend on if her parents were the oldest (male) child.

    When my husbands Grandmother passed away, his dad was the youngest son so we didn’t have to do much but just attend the ceremonies. His uncle (the oldest son) was the chief mourner and thus was responsible for organizing the funeral, holding vigil etc. His family (my husbands cousins) did most of the support. Grandma was over 100 and oldest son was in his 80s.

    We were able to visit grandma after she passed just before the funeral at her home.

    We wore traditional black (same as western style) and we gave money. I basically followed my husband and his sister when it came to bowing. Be careful if you are sitting at the back as you are often the first row asked to do the ritual bowing.

    It was the first time I’d met my husbands extended family, so be prepared for that if that also applies to you.

    Remember to sprinkle salt on yourself when you go back home to purify yourself.

14. Ask your wife. Do what your wife tells you. This is for her and her family not for you. The dead folks won’t care she’ll be the only one who you’ll need to keep happy.

15. Make sure you have a Black suit with a Black tie.

16. Had a similar situation about 3 years ago. I just supported her, waited for instructions and followed them to the letter. That got me through it alright.

    Condolences and good luck.

17. Black suit, black shoes, don’t laugh and It should do it.

18. My husband’s father passed away last summer. He was so devastated (of course) that he was unable to coach me in funeral etiquette. A Google search really helped, plus just copying what the rest of the family was doing. You’ll feel like everyone is looking at you, but just remind yourself that you aren’t the focus. Everyone is expecting you to make mistakes and so you don’t have to be perfect. These aren’t our customs. Simply do your best.

    Edit: The bones may smell a bit roasty or even still be warm when you help to place them into the urn. If you’re squeamish this might churn your tummy a bit. I recommend sucking a mint to confuse your nose. Also, you don’t have to put all the bones in. One and done is acceptable, while standing next to your wife to support her as she continues placing them into the urn with the family.

19. Check under her tatami mats for valuables.