Dream Benefits or Dream Country?

9 comments

1. This is a copy of your post for archive/search purposes.

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   **Dream Benefits or Dream Country?**

   A bit long..lots of context

   I studied in Japan for two years in uni and right after graduation was accepted onto the JET program and lived a very simple rural life for 2 years before moving to Osaka for 7 more to continue teaching (actually international school teaching, not Eikaiwa). I have JLPT 2 and many good friends still in Japan (although now a bit scattered all over the country)

   When I was in Japan, I loved many aspects of life there (speaking Japanese, hiking/local travel, food, general cleanliness, connecting with people). But as a person, I had a lot of trauma to deal with and really didn’t know how to…or knew that mental health support was even an option. I had lots of unhealthy habits, I dove into the grind life, over drinking, and lots of smoking. I had good fiends but also prioritized going out to bars and having one-night stands. Living in Osaka was the best and the worst for many reasons. And over time the lack of queer rights and feminism had me feeling really frustrated and on edge.

   I had lived in Japan from when I was 19-28, pretty formative years. I thought I would live there forever. But due to family sickness, a dire need for my own trauma therapy, and to complete my master’s practicum in a very specific educational setting–I left. I spent 3 years in Boston and loved it but have always been convinced the American dream (and school shootings) are not for me.

   Leaving my Japan dream behind, I applied for schools in northern EU countries. I wanted lots of vacation days, higher pay, more benefits, and ability to travel. I was able to move to Berlin, Germany…covid hit and really felt like my first 2 years here were just isolating and working. I left my well paying school on the outskirts of Berlin because I disagreed ethically with how the school conducts itself..and I find that I am a worse financial position than I was in the states (shockingly)

   I work at an amazing international school, love the culture, love the people, but the hours are long, pay sucks, and the time off is not so much…rent in Berlin is so high you almost want to vomit. I love and hate living in this city..so much going on and so dirty all the time (syringes and broken glass everywhere). German nature sucks, weather sucks, and people are not so friendly. I have a good group of friends but Berlin is wildly transient.

   Yet…I will get permanent residency soon and all the benefits for a life that hasn’t happened yet.

   I feel comfortable in Germany as an openly queer person, tattooed, leftist and, feminist…knowing that raising a family here would have so mannnnyyyyyyy benefits for me and children.

   Yet…I don’t have children, I’m not married but in Germany it is easier to be a bit older and figure this stuff out. At 34 I feel that life is not over here and I have many opportunities.

   But I don’t love Germany, speaking German is horribly hard…I feel in limbo constantly.

   My heart aches for Japan and now that I have so much more wisdom about myself and values–I feel I want to move out to the country side/small city again, knowing I wouldn’t find myself in the black hole of Namba self-medicating with way too much partying. I feel like I missed a chance for a wholesome life.

   Facebook kills me as all my other foreign friends, stuck it through in their 20s and are married, kids, and all that jazz. Although, I wouldn’t give up all the growing and experiences I have had.

   But for me, moving to Japan mid-30s, single, childless, and all of the above…I feel that I am signing myself up for a lonely life.

   In Germany, there feels like so much more time to work towards building a family in a country with amazing benefits that I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I also have no pressure of how I present as women, and that all my somewhat quirky traits being attractive here. But in Japan makes searching for a partner all the more harder.

   Is it my time to stick it through in Germany and build a possibly nice life…or throw everything up in the air for another chance in Japan (because..yolo).

   Any other mid-30s folks from the EU give a up stability, restart another pension plan, and relocate to a place with way less benefits (especially for working women) and found that it went okay???

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2. >or throw everything up in the air for another chance in Japan (because..yolo).

   You’re 30+ years old. Your opportunity to YOLO it has long since left the building.

   When you’re in your 20s you can easily just wing it, safe in the knowledge that if things go bad you’ve got a huge amount of your life left to pick up the pieces. Once you hit your 30s you should at least *start* thinking about how doing something will affect your future.

   >give a up stability, restart another pension plan, and relocate to a place with way less benefits

   I mean… Did you read what you just wrote there?

   While I can understand being unhappy with your current living situation you’re talking about throwing it away to… What? Be an ALT? Try to get one of the *very* limited job openings at one of the real international schools?

   If it’s the latter this is at least a somewhat reasonable plan. International schools pay well at least.

   But you’re pretty obviously idealizing Japan. Yes, you’ve lived there, but… You talk about wanting to “move out to the country side/small city again”. That’s not where international schools are located. International schools are located in the bigger cities, where there are enough foreigners and/or cosmopolitan Japanese families to justify their existence.

   Being kinda blunt: Your *first* step should probably be spending some quality time with a therapist, because it’s obvious that you’ve got a lot of feelings about both Germany and Japan that you need to work through, and a professional will help a lot with that.

   This is not a decision you should be making on the basis of idealized memories of Japan and a generalized dislike of Germany.

3. Another blunt comment here, after a certain age/stage of your life, there is no such thing as a “dream” country. Life in any country becomes the same, work, routine, groceries, taxes, with the occasional fun. Working in Europe gives you the opportunity to take long holidays, and you can make yearly trips to Japan, explore different places properly while on vacation and not having to worry about your low wage or work burnout.

   You won’t be in your 20s partying in Namba anymore, and that’s okay, but you have to realize that the image you have of Japan in your head is long gone. I don’t have the same exact background as you, but close enough. I am a woman in my late 20s from a South European country. Came here a few years ago to study, found a decent job and stayed. I have a stable career yet find life in Japan pretty challenging especially as a foreign woman. If you move here in your mid 30s, work as an ALT or in a stagnant job, and leave behind all the benefits that Germany gave you, I’m not sure how you’d feel in a few years looking back at this decision while nearing 40.

   I like living in Japan, but objectively speaking, wages are low here, your savings won’t mean anything once you relocate abroad cause the currency is so weak, being a woman here is hard, and the dating scene as a foreign woman sucks (if that’s something you’re concerned about). I was lucky enough to meet my amazing boyfriend here but it wasn’t easy, and I see a lot of women around me struggle.

   At the end of the day, you can do whatever you want, but at this point of your life, there’s no yolo decision. Everything has to be calculated, and there’s no such thing as a “dream” country, in my humble opinion.

4. It sounds like you might enjoy living in a different part of Germany. Saying that the nature sucks is a little bit unfair when there’s so much amazing nature there (esp towards the South). Smaller cities and the countryside are also way less dirty. Berlin is so different from other parts of Germany, and definitely way way dirtier.

5. You already YOLOed your life away it landed you into a good job with dream benefits. The best outcome has already happened to you.

   Isn’t it time to figure out how to adapt to the environment given to you and make it work like everyone else has done in their 20s?

6. Taking into consideration that life does not end once you hit 30 so you can still change things if you really want to, Berlin is a nice place with plenty to offer and quite chill for how large it actually is. Want to party? Go to Berghain. Want something less intense? There are plenty of museums, bars, cafes everything! Want to enjoy nature? Just visit the lakes and forest around Berlin and in Brandenburg.

   Personally if I didn’t have to move away from Berlin for reasons out of my control, I would have stayed; of course I also like Japan more, but Berlin is such a close second that I would have happily settled there.

7. I think that you may find that Japan now is not the same as the Japan that you left at 28, and maybe the good times that you had here were more about being 19-28 at the time than where you were living then.

   That’s not to say that you should stay in Berlin, of course. But you are at a different stage in your life, and you have to think about what your needs are and how best to get them met.

   If nothing else, I would recommend going ahead and getting German permanent residency. It may very well open doors for you that you had never even considered before.

8. Japan is not a friendly place for single foreign women in their 30s. You’re on the money with that. Europe, as you state, is less backwards and sexist with how women who haven’t married or had kids by a certain age are considered in social rank, so to speak.

   It seems having a family is important to you. Do you intend to do that with a partner? If so, make sure you understand sperm donation is not legal in Japan. Being a single mother is heavily stigmatized. In Germany, you won’t have these issues. If you don’t want to be single, do you feel you’d be able to find a man in Japan (Japanese or foreign) who would partner up with you? Again, I can only speak to the experiences of my friends, but they’ve all had a hard time finding someone here who would settle down long term with a foreign woman over 30. I’ve had two friends leave in the last year to go back home because they eventually decided it was better to leave Japan and maybe find someone to marry/have kids with than be single in Japan forever.

   Japan isn’t going anywhere. If you don’t like Berlin, move somewhere else in Germany. As a woman in my 30s myself, I don’t think your ultimate goals align with Japan. Also, you come off as romanticizing it too much. There’s a lot that sucks here! Embrace the good food and the open mindedness of Germany.

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