Hey! I moved here in March and have recently been hanging out with a Japanese girl I quite like. She doesn’t speak English (we just use Japanese), doesn’t seem to have much dating experience, and is from the 田舎. We’re both 社会人. We’ve hung out one on one a few times as well as in a group once. I have a couple of questions:
1) is it weird to ask someone out on a date before doing the standard confession -> “付き合ってください”?
2) is asking someone out normally something that happens after a certain amount of time? like, would doing so after only hanging out a few times over the course of a month or so be considered too fast?
3) are there physical places that would be considered appropriate/inappropriate to ask her out? for example, I’m going to her house on Wednesday, but maybe asking while at her house is a bit too high pressure?
I’m 26 and have a decent amount of dating experience in the US, so I’m not necessarily looking for general dating advice, more just some insight into Japanese dating norms. Thanks in advance!
16 comments
if you met on a dating app then it’s definitely very normal to date before confessing. if not, it kind of depends – but a safe option is to just ask to hang out one on one and not call it a date. I think dates are probably more about substance than formality.
a lot of Japanese people have different ideas of what’s quick or not, based on the friends I’ve spoken to. what I will say is that you should certainly not confess in her house. maybe ask her to go somewhere public like a park where you can sit on a bench in relative privacy and broach the issue. that way if it becomes uncomfortable she can leave without feel pressured.
good luck!!
From my experience and my Japanese girlfriends/friends experience, it seems quite normal to do the confession around the end of the 3rd date. For location, as long as she likes you it most likely doesn’t matter too much, for example I ended up confessing to my current girlfriend at the HUB and got a yes😅. Good luck
No offense intended here but you sound like a high school student who has never dated before. Just go out to dinner or to a bar or whatever a few times and see how it goes. There’s no need for some formal tsukiatte kudasai moment until you already know what the answer will be.
Listen bro… The dating pool is almost infinite. Don’t overthink shit. If you’re not compatible or she’s not interested, it’s usually pretty obvious and you having asked 付き合ってください at what she would consider an appropriate time and place isn’t going to change the outcome. Worst case scenario is that she awkwardly agrees to a date, then ghosts you.
Take it from an old asshole. When it’s the right person, you won’t need to debate whether or not it’s appropriate to say 付き合ってください, it should be obvious to both of you. Furthermore, any woman who judges her potential partners based on whether they asked at the “appropriate time” or “appropriate place” isn’t someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. So please don’t entertain that kind of thinking.
This kind of sounds like a family-friendly drama.
In my opinion, you shouldn’t 付き合って before sex. Even better, let her ask you.
If you want to convey your feelings clearly, say “Let’s go on a date” next time you want to invite her out. She’ll know you’re not just looking for a buddy.
For 1, instead of asking her to be in a relationship with you, the more Japanese way is to be indirect and ask her something like “Are we already in a relationship?”
Apparently, its meant to soften the blow of rejection. If she says no, you don’t really get rejected, you just misunderstood the current situation.
That being said, you are not Japanese so feel free to be as direct as you want.
* Dating comes before a confession. The purpose of dates is to get to know someone on a deeper level.
* Don’t confess within one month. This is far too fast for most people.
* Did she invite you to her house on her own, or was she pressured into doing so? If it’s the former, then you’re basically in. Don’t blow it, e.g. by confessing to her within the first month.
> so I’m not necessarily looking for general dating advice
Sorry to say, but I think that you are.
You’ve been here 2 months – take it slow eh.
Going to her house….I won’t repeat what I was told when I first came about that. I think everybody can guess.
This kind of post takes me back. All this JP life stuff really is just an endless cycle isn’t it?
Take it from a jaded-28 year old here, just have fun. No matter the advice you receive, it will never be 100% applicable to your particular situation. Ghosting, moving too fast, ONS, gaijin hunters, looking to quickly get married, attempts to recruiting you to her cult, nights that end up with both of you sleeping on top of her dead cat’s bones – just enjoy it all and have fun lol
**Organizing principle #1:** It’s not actually that different here.
**Organizing principle #2:** She knows you’re a foreigner. She might not know exactly what dating is like in the US, but she has some impressions (it moves fast, etc.). Even if there were some standard Japanese playbook, she’s not expecting you to follow it exactly.
**Organizing principle #3:** She likes you enough to invite you to her home 1-on-1. Maybe she wants to jump your bones, maybe you’ve been friend-zoned, maybe she’s still evaluating, but you’ve got enough established relationship that you should feel comfortable being yourself. Do what you would do naturally, and just keep an eye out for (and respect) the signals she sends back.
**Organizing principle #4:** To the extent you do have different norms and expectations, it’s worth being more explicit and more communicative to de-risk situations. On balance, “I was trying to read the air and follow the high-context Japanese 和 of it all” will get you into more trouble than “Hey I like you and I think you like me too; wanna make out?” You might fail with the latter, but if so, you probably weren’t going to succeed with the former anyway.
You’re supposed to ask? Damn, I should get around to asking my wife sometime soon. We’ve been together 18 years but I never thought to ask officially if she would date me.
Did you buy her the ceremonial broach yet? Gotta do that before the 3rd date.
1. Date comes first.
2. After a few dates you can ask. Within a month is totally fine.
3. Location isn’t really important.
Good luck!
Ask her out for dinner or drinks. Then ask her to come back to your place or hers. Eat breakfast together. Repeat this 2 or 3 times then you can “confess”.
Wait! Going to her house? In Japan, if two adults are behind closed doors there is an assumption they are having sex. Just tell her that you really want to kiss her and if she responds positively take it from there. If you mention that you went to her house alone to Japanese friends/colleagues are going to gossip.
In the past I have always looked back that I missed so many opportunities to take things further by not reading the signals. She’ll never ask you but she’ll make it easy for you is she likes you.