Apologies for throwaway, but being careful.
Simple backstory 8+ years of marriage, no kids yet, it is finally escalating into violence. Last argument finally broke me in that the escalation went talking>yelling>throwing things at house>throwing things at me (so far par for course) > hitting me for first time. So I stopped it by holding her hands. Screamed bloody murder, and says it’s DV. She takes a bunch of pictures of her arm that isn’t even red. Meanwhile skin was torn from my chest and small wounds that really are no big deal. Starts searching all sorts of stuff about dv rikon.
We are calm again now and back to normal but these huge fights are about once a month. This one kind of broke my trust that I can entrust my future to this lady.
I think I’m done, so seeking advice on what to expect and what to prepare for. Here’s the doozy on our entanglements:
1) I have a self employed business. I run it, but it’s her name on the lease and some documents. Payments from clients go to her bank account. She manages from the shadows.
2) we share all finances, have a house in her name and car in my name. She has a private account with a ton of money squirreled away she says is HERS and I have my account that is also mixed with business account, and we have our combined funds account.
3) my visa status is fine either way. No issue here.
4) metric ton of life insurance on us, seimei, orix, I can’t even keep track what she has out. Sumitate nisa, ideco, all of that too.
5) no kids, but got animals. She says she is not interested.
6) car is paid for, house is not. Also says she is not interested.
7) she controls all finances and gives me an allowance. I submit reciepts to her for lunch and stuff to get money back and it’s pretty thoroughly tracked by her.
I have not said anything to her yet about divorce, and she is thinking business as usual. I am sure she will not explode when I tell her, but also confident some money may be moved around or something when I mention it since she controls the finances. I would like to do what I need to protect myself without burning the amicable divorce bridge route, before taking that step. I also will be staying in Japan after and running my business.
Even if she tried to legal it away from me, I can just renegotiate contracts with the clients and staff if they want, and use a new account to receive payment so future income may not be an issue. How much cash I have left to run the business (especially if I need to buy out her share of the car/house) may be.
We also never tried counseling but not sure if it could work the kind of magic we need here.
Sorry for the long post, but it is my first time divorce and in a foreign country so I’ll take all the advice I can get.
21 comments
Wow, nothing legal or other advices I have but my 2 cents is to take time to calm down and take few steps back for your own sanity
> she controls all finances and gives me an allowance. I submit reciepts to her for lunch and stuff to get money back and it’s pretty thoroughly tracked by her.
Sorry, not advice, but I’m just honestly curious why people accept this. This is not sane, and certainly is not part of a healthy relationship.
Ok, so maybe a bit of advice after all. Step 1, find a divorce lawyer.
Step 2, before even mentioning divorce, you need to make that “she controls the finances” thing stop, and you shouldn’t be asking her permission or help to do that. Make sure you have a bank account that she has no way to access (not shared, not tied to business, etc.), and shift some funds there so you aren’t yenniless. That doesn’t necessarily make it 100% _yours_, as it would also be subject to divorce negotiation or court order, but at least you would have some cash available to you.
> and use a new account to receive payment so future income may not be an issue.
You should probably start doing this now. The payments from _your_ business never should have been funneled into her personal account to begin with.
>7) she controls all finances and gives me an allowance. I submit reciepts to her for lunch and stuff to get money back and it’s pretty thoroughly tracked by her.
I know this happens a lot here but I wouldn’t be able to live like that. You’re the breadwinner and you need to beg her for money?
Go talk to a laywer asap and ask them. I’m going through a divorce myself and talking to a lawyer was helpful to allow me to stop speculating about a bunch of disaster scenarios that were going on in my head off of internet posts.
PS: also in my case I was trying to be nice and agreeable in hopes of a quick divorce, but that went out of the window pretty quickly. Every situation is different for sure, but I would keep expectations low.
There are only two options:
1. You both discuss amicably the finances and how to split things. Make an agreement and go to the city office and stamp the paperwork and leave divorced.
2. You can’t settle amicably and you get the help of a lawyer.
Looks like #2 to me…
You took photos of your own injuries, right?
Sounds complicated. I understand when you are with a crazy person how you can mess up so bad with finances and stuff like that being under her control. However that needs to be solved.
I think you should start to re-negotiate your contracts and set up the new account now not later. Get things separated a bit. Then get a lawyer to help.
If its not possible to do that ahead of time, then you just have to go straight for a lawyer and deal with it.
A couple things to clarify that might help people give you advice, do you currently have a bank account of your own? At all? Even one you opened when you first came here and are just not using anymore?
If you wanted to move out tomorrow, would you have the upfront money for a lease on a new apartment? Or if you can’t get one without a guarantor, the even larger sum it would take for a Leo Palace?
I would be making sure you have those things first. What if you say you want a divorce and she says well you can’t, and good luck leaving because you have nothing? You would be relying on her to give you your share of the finances and help you move out and what if she just doesn’t want to? Unless the plan is to keep living together while the divorce gets sorted, then move out with your share of the finances after it’s all settled. That doesn’t sound like a fun time.
EDIT: I read more of what you said in a reply about phone tracking etc. This is starting to sound like coercive control, a form of psychological abuse. Please read up on the other signs of that and get your ducks in a row to leave.
Just keep in mind that in a divorce here, it’s community property. Any assets accrued since the marriage commenced are 50-50, and you need to split them. You can either negotiate this via mutual divorce, or have it court ordered.
> She has a private account with a ton of money squirreled away she says is HERS
And that account is part of those shared assets.
Make sure you know what accounts are held and get the account information before you commence proceedings. Ideally get the balances held too.
Also – check your home country’s laws regarding international divorce – many countries (and many US states) will only recognize a divorce if there was a judicial decree, so if you’re from one of them, you will have to get a court mediated divorce and mutual divorce is not an option.
> Meanwhile skin was torn from my chest and small wounds that really are no big deal.
And document this stuff too.
Step one, fix this:
>I have a self employed business. I run it, but it’s her name on the lease and some documents. Payments from clients go to her bank account. She manages from the shadows.
Take the pictures of the chest wounds you described! (always think amber heard v jonny depp, any proof is better than none) Pictures of the damaged goods she threw. Maybe a scratch in the wall? Can you still document previous incidences?
Document the shit out of it! (abusive text messages, dubious absences, odd financial stuff, theats of self-harm/divorce/violence, (her search history e.g. if she googles divorce, but then does not want to divorce you it is one data point towards who really is abused vs. abuser. not that I think it might do much in japanese family courts))
Get a second phone/ cloud service inneccesible to her?
Start confiding in friends (very careful with mutual ones!) – to know whom you can ask for help when the worst case starts.
Please lawyer up – a double combi for the business and for the divorce. I hope you have the money and come out of it life-unscathed. looks like an uphill battle (can you maybe start setting money aside? start securing paper work.).
> I have a self employed business. I run it, but it’s her name on the lease and some documents. Payments from clients go to her bank account. She manages from the shadows.
when the paperwork is in her name, you “have” technically nothing, in my opinion you should change this ASAP, but I have no idea how you could possibly do this without her being alerted to you wanting out or how to persuade her to sign. can you lawyer up and take over ?
>my visa status is fine either way. No issue here.
really? even considering that the business you are employed by is hers?
>metric ton of life insurance on us, seimei, orix, I can’t even keep track what she has out. Sumitate nisa, ideco, all of that too.
maybe others can chime in here, but compared to business ownership, house ownership and your visa status none of this matters. (only make sure, you dont keep paying once you are out and that she does not kill you for money)
>no kids, but got animals. She says she is not interested.
be ready for that to change
>car is paid for, house is not. Also says she is not interested.
be ready for that to change. it is in her name, why would she give this up to you?
CJ: Ahhh shit…here we go again
No kids. Do not do that with this person. Trust me.
Man…
At the very least I hope YOU took pictures of your injuries and went to the police.
I’m sorry I don’t have advice omfor your situation but I’m sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve it. I’m sure things will get better for you, sooner or later. Don’t give up
You were already in a DV situation before she put her hands on you. She was controlling in a very unhealthy way, this is coercion/ control which is mental abuse and counts as DV too. Of course she has het good points too, one thing that people from the outside perspective often don’t understand is that most abusers are not being assholes 100% of the time. Otherwise it would be easier to leave. The 90% or less of the time being nice is what’s fucking with your head and making it hard to leave. But even 1% experiencing DV is too much. Get out OP, she’s toxic, controlling and might go further in a next fight. Hat off to you for bringing this to the light because there’s huge shame attached to being a victim of DV.
I would install a camera for your protection as a first step.
Curious if you’ve considered the reason for her worsening behaviour?
Perhaps someone is turning her head?
My wife was in control of our finances but after her reckless spending (I.e. moncler jacket, Chanel handbags), I am now in control and she’s fine with that…
I don’t have specific advice beyond “amicable divorce in Japan is a great and hassle free way to go and if possible, you should pursue that.”
Having said that, and as other have said (but hearing it more times may help it sink in)
You are in an abusive relationship. Therapy will not help. The fundamental dynamic of the relationship is unbalanced. There is physical, emotional, and financial abuse going on.
If you had your own account with a ton of money “squirreled away” – would she be ok with that?
Does she have a gps tracker on her phone as well?
Does she submit or track receipts of her own spending?
And most importantly, were these systems agreed upon or decreed?
None of these are necessarily bad (I’m on an allowance and am fully on board because I can’t walk down the street without buying something)
But imposed on and agreed to are different.
You know something is wrong here and you’re extracting yourself (good!). But you may feel some guilt, because we as humans develop attachments. Where we get in trouble is valuing those attachments over our own well being.
Sorry for the rant; as for the advice –
Even the best and most proper and painless divorce will be painful. You may get flak for going to bat for her, but it’s understandable. Just be prepared for feelings of “if this is the right move, why do I feel sad?”
Change is hard, memories are strong, but it’s for the best and you’ll be so much better off.
**Divorce preparation in Japan**
**” Simple backstory 8+ years of marriage, no kids yet “**
**”Yet”**
Do we give out awards for optimism? I think we have a winner.