Coping with a big move?

Thanks to everyone’s input a couple months ago, I’ve decided to get my masters.

Looking at the options I have, it’s become very apparent that I will likely have a difficult time studying in my prefecture. A lot of the schools I’ve found are looking to accept 10 people or less. That doesn’t mean it will be impossible for me to get in, but it would be unwise of me to focus on 3 or 4 schools in the area and not branch out into other regions.

If I’m not accepted here, I’ll probably be moving in time for the spring semester. But I’ve spent a couple days checking out the living situations in some potential prefectures and I’ve been hit with the same sort of anxiety I get when I think about the idea of going back to my home country.

I’ve been living in the same city for the full 9 years that I’ve lived in Japan. We moved around *a lot* when I was a kid. This is the longest I’ve ever lived in one place by about 5 years. I have a solid group of friends who all live nearby, I know where everything is, I have my favorite spots, and look forward to events all year round. Suddenly, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to start over again, and I’m panicking.

I think I had imagined that if I wasn’t here, I’d be in Tokyo for a couple years and then come back. Tokyo would be a huge change, but it’s also the hub of everything in the country, and I know I’d be able to find some sort of social circle and comfortable spots pretty easily.

But in reality, schools in Tokyo are likely going to be much more competitive, and I might very easily end up in Ehime. Or Tottori. Or Gunma. And in cities that sound like they should be much bigger than they are, on campuses that are 2 hour train rides away from anything interesting, with maybe 5 other people doing the same program, only other option being a campus full of kids 10 years younger than me.

It just feels so isolating. It hasn’t even happened yet, and I feel very, very alone. I remember how much consistent effort it took to find my people, and I have no idea how to do that when I’m essentially living in the countryside. And meanwhile, I’ll be missing years of my friends’ kids growing up, and all my favorite festivals, and the social gatherings, and even just being able to go sit at my favorite cafe and stare off into the distance for a while. And it’s like, for what? To give myself a better career? Is that even worth it?

But of course it’s worth it. I’m miserable at my current job, and I know my resume doesn’t look good enough to get a better one. And I might be able to make more money, and I’m genuinely interested in the field I’m looking at. But all I can see is a future where I study and eat and sleep in silence, and go to work and come home in silence, and exchange empty pleasantries and small talk just to escape the silence only to return to the silence once more. And if I make it back to my city in a couple of years, I’m worried that the time away will make it harder for me to reach out to old friends and then I’ll just be here in silence, looking for old haunts that closed while I was gone and cursing the day that I left. The existential dread is killing me.