Home Japanese Did I write this haiku correctly?JJapaneseDid I write this haiku correctly?June 21, 20236 comments 猫さん飛んで 鳥がお空に 聳えているAny changes you’d make? I’m not sure how to count on, or if I can use 聳える for things besides mountains. “が” also feels right, but I could be totally off the mark. Tags:Japanese 6 commentsUnfortunately the ん is actually counted as its own syllable, so your first line is 7 not 5!I’m counting this as: ねこさんとんで (7) とりがおそらに (7) そびえている (6)So not yet there as a haiku. For the last line, maybe 舞い上がる would work for the image you’re creating?Idk what your dictionary says, but 鳥が聳える is absolutely surrealistic. Sounds like “birds towering into the sky”.Not many Japanese actually write haiku. It is a wonderful challenge.Haiku has only 17 syllables.It’s written in a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.I have tried to apply your work to the haiku form without changing the meaning as much as possible.猫が舞い 鳥がお空を 飛び回る（ねこがまい とりがおそらを とびまわる）“聳える” refers to a mountain or building being tall and distinguished. I think it is not suitable to use for birds.I wrote a new version for those who are curious, I think it at least breaks less rules! XD猫飛んで 鳥がお空で 笑っている素敵な俳句を作られましたね！ 「猫さん飛んで 鳥がお空に 聳えている」 この俳句は、季語や季題がないため、一般的には「自由律」と呼ばれます。 さて、ご質問の件ですが、文法的には問題ありません。ただ、「聳える」は、一般的には山や建物などの高いものを表す言葉です。この文脈では、代わりに「浮かんでいる」や「浮かんでいた」という表現が適切かもしれません。また、「が」を使うのは正しいです。 以上、ご参考になれば幸いです。何か他に質問がございましたら、お気軽にお聞きください。Leave a ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.
I’m counting this as: ねこさんとんで (7) とりがおそらに (7) そびえている (6)So not yet there as a haiku. For the last line, maybe 舞い上がる would work for the image you’re creating?
Idk what your dictionary says, but 鳥が聳える is absolutely surrealistic. Sounds like “birds towering into the sky”.
Not many Japanese actually write haiku. It is a wonderful challenge.Haiku has only 17 syllables.It’s written in a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.I have tried to apply your work to the haiku form without changing the meaning as much as possible.猫が舞い 鳥がお空を 飛び回る（ねこがまい とりがおそらを とびまわる）“聳える” refers to a mountain or building being tall and distinguished. I think it is not suitable to use for birds.
I wrote a new version for those who are curious, I think it at least breaks less rules! XD猫飛んで 鳥がお空で 笑っている
素敵な俳句を作られましたね！ 「猫さん飛んで 鳥がお空に 聳えている」 この俳句は、季語や季題がないため、一般的には「自由律」と呼ばれます。 さて、ご質問の件ですが、文法的には問題ありません。ただ、「聳える」は、一般的には山や建物などの高いものを表す言葉です。この文脈では、代わりに「浮かんでいる」や「浮かんでいた」という表現が適切かもしれません。また、「が」を使うのは正しいです。 以上、ご参考になれば幸いです。何か他に質問がございましたら、お気軽にお聞きください。
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6 comments
Unfortunately the ん is actually counted as its own syllable, so your first line is 7 not 5!
I’m counting this as:
ねこさんとんで (7)
とりがおそらに (7)
そびえている (6)
So not yet there as a haiku. For the last line, maybe 舞い上がる would work for the image you’re creating?
Idk what your dictionary says, but 鳥が聳える is absolutely surrealistic. Sounds like “birds towering into the sky”.
Not many Japanese actually write haiku.
It is a wonderful challenge.
Haiku has only 17 syllables.
It’s written in a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.
I have tried to apply your work to the haiku form without changing the meaning as much as possible.
猫が舞い 鳥がお空を 飛び回る（ねこがまい とりがおそらを とびまわる）
“聳える” refers to a mountain or building being tall and distinguished.
I think it is not suitable to use for birds.
I wrote a new version for those who are curious, I think it at least breaks less rules! XD
猫飛んで
鳥がお空で
笑っている
素敵な俳句を作られましたね！ 「猫さん飛んで 鳥がお空に 聳えている」 この俳句は、季語や季題がないため、一般的には「自由律」と呼ばれます。 さて、ご質問の件ですが、文法的には問題ありません。ただ、「聳える」は、一般的には山や建物などの高いものを表す言葉です。この文脈では、代わりに「浮かんでいる」や「浮かんでいた」という表現が適切かもしれません。また、「が」を使うのは正しいです。 以上、ご参考になれば幸いです。何か他に質問がございましたら、お気軽にお聞きください。