Does anyone have any advice for getting gay dates in Japan (Tokyo) / dates with japanese men in general?
Back home (SoCal), there’s no shortage of people interested in me, I (27M) get plenty of matches on tinder and can find someone to meet up with on grindr fairly quickly.
I’m not stunningly beautiful, and I am a tall vers bottom, but I speak Japanese decently, have a similar bio to other people. On 9mon, I only get a handful of profile views a day, and not even creepy old guys message me.
Do I need better pictures? Do I just need to be a lot more proactive? How do I send a message to a guy so he’ll respond (esp if there’s not much interesting in his bio) and keep the conversation alive?
6 comments
Gay Japan is very insular and I would say the majority of men here aren’t interested in foreigners, even less so if you’re not East Asian, even less so again if your Japanese isn’t good. Regardless of all that, men in Tokyo are spoiled for choice and are less willing to meet up with someone who isn’t exactly their type, because they know if they wait they will almost certainly be able to find someone who is exactly what they’re looking for.
I think you’ll have more luck at bars meeting guys in person, but if you’re patient I am sure you’ll meet someone on the apps also. But do prepare yourself for a lot of rejection.
2nd hand knowledge: go to the wrong side of Shinjuku and try the old fashioned way, in person.
It’s a meat market. Plus too many guys with foot fetishes who like to tickle
If you have money I know a cute guy in Fukuoka. But he only dates men with money.
Shinjuku lbtq bar/club section. In person. You’ll walk away with a handful of lines at least if you’re a charming and fun person to talk to.
My wife thought it was really funny I kept making all these “nice friends!” While drunk and showing our gay High school admin friend the scene.
Honestly? It’s just a fun warm part of Tokyo in general and I say that as a Bi married man who is past his prime 100%
There’s weirdos there like there are in any concentrated area with an intended purpose, so take the criticism with a grain of salt.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years now (and we are getting married in my home country this year!), so I can’t speak to how things may have changed in current year, but here are some tips based on my experiences during my younger, wilder, more promiscuous years:
You mention you only get a few profile views and messages. This suggests to me that you are not sending out many first contact messages yourself? For me, It was a numbers game. Just sending a greeting message to anyone I saw on the app that was cute. A lot of times this was a canned message that I copy and pasted, but If I saw someone with a profile that I was really interested in, I would maybe mention something they wrote to show I had actually looked at their profile. Something like “Oh you like smash bros? Me too! What is your favorite character?” etc.
I probably got a response 50% of the time, and of those only 50% lead to meeting up in the real world. But I was messaging enough, and setting up second dates and beyond with people I met before that I basically had plans to go out every weekend sometimes 3 weeks ahead of time.
And I am/was by no means stellar in the looks department. Not ugly persay, but completely average. Skinnier than I am at the time, but no muscle etc. My success was thanks to persistence and being able to communicate in Japanese.
You also mention using 9Mon, while it was my personal favorite app, the “foreign” gay apps like Jackd and Grindr (and I think Bumble or something is a new popular one? Not sure.) had more Japanese users who were open or specifically seeking to meet with non-Japanese. You will probably get a higher ratio of responses using those as well.
A big benefit I had at the time was I ended up creating a close, platonic, group of “gaymers” who still hang out regularly today and play games etc. Creating those non romantic/sexual connections are important because that will open up a lot of avenues to meet their friends etc. in a more natural social setting which can set the stage for a more genuine relationship.
My current partner for example, I knew just as a friend for 3+ years, just meeting and talking doing nothing romantic or sexual at all for the longest time. Then I moved in as housemates with a common gay friend at a location that was closer to him, and we started meeting more often, basically every weekend to the point that we naturally developed feelings for each other. Now its become the best relationship I’ve ever had and we are engaged!
It all started because I actively put myself out there and put the effort into meeting lots of people. It can be exhausting and you will face a lot of rejection etc. but as long as you don’t take any of it personally and find the people that mesh well with you, things will definitely work out.
Feel free to DM me if you have any other specific questions!