I recently found out that my nephew (12) plays Kancho with my son (6). I understand “kids will be kids”, but the idea of a 12 year old playing Kancho with my 6 year old son makes me think something foul is going on. My nephew has shown some signs of infatuation with my son in the past. For example, talking with his mother often about my son, or asking to see pictures of him before bedtime. Overall, my nephew is a good kid, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is off.
Anyone else have experience with something similar? Should I be concerned about the age gap?
30 comments
If you’re uncomfortable with it, explain to your nephew it’s inappropriate and that he needs to stop.
Reddit telling you it’s OK or not isn’t going to change the situation.
I have seen boys and girls of dramatically different ages play this game with eachother and it makes me very uncomfortable.
But the parents of the kids did not seem to care.
Not sure if that is helpful, but just what I have observed
Did you talk to your nephew or his parents?
Had sort of a similar situation with my kid and nephew. Talked to his mom and they talked it out and (hopefully) won’t be doing that again. But also talked to my kid about private parts and what’s ok to touch and what’s not ok, because at first my kid thought it was funny being touched, but it was definitely not appropriate.
It’s a cultural thing for sure, but if you don’t like it say something. I also am not a fan.
Listen to your gut.
Best advice I’ve ever heard for parents from a former colleague: “if someone wants to spend more time with your child than you do, that’s a problem.” This does apply to family too imo.
Make it clear to your son that he can always tell you anything. That he won’t ever get in trouble for telling you about something that he doesn’t like or that makes him feel uncomfortable.
Never heard it called a game before. I thought it was just a fucking annoying stupid prank.
I guess you’re all Americans here. In my view Americans over-sexualize everything they see by a factor of 10. It’s just the culture.
Try to keep that into account when you have to make a call.
Lots of kids play kancho without an ounce of a second thought.
Having said that a 12 yo should grow bored quite fast playing whichever game with a 6yo imo.
My Japanese cousin who’s 8 years older used to do this with us (my siblings and I) when we were kids. I’d be like 5 and him 13. He would do it much more to my older brother as they were much closer in age. It was all just fun and games for us. Of course every situation is different though.
Ooooh so this is what Kakashi did to Naruto? Never knew it had a name
Kancho is actually normal. We play it a lot in primary school because we watch Naruto.
I think we should pay more attention to the “see pictures of him before bedtime” part.
When I was a kid, I used to do it with my friends and cousins. It was all fun and games and as kids we didn’t think of it as something lewd or sexualized. We would laugh about it and think of ways to get back at others. Pretty much we as kids didn’t sexualize it. But if you’re uncomfortable with it, speak to the parents first. I did the same thing after my son’s best friend kanchoed him so hard he went home crying because he couldn’t seem to get back at him.
You have grown adults doing it on tv. It’s just a dumb part of culture here. It’s the same as poop/ shit. You can buy poop PEZ here along with every other product you can think of. I stopped drawing poop when I was 6-7 myself.
If you want my honest opinion, I think you are overreacting and overprotective. It might seem weird but kids (and sometimes even young adults) just do it as a “gotcha” thing. It becomes a game since u will want to get back at the other person.
There is nothing sexual to it. Seeing it as such would be similar to if Japanese saw tag as sexual because it involves touching.
In the end it’s up to you though. If you want to stop them from playing because you think it’s inappropriate then I’d say go ahead.
everyone bothered by the game but I’m concerned by the pictures more…
Only okay if it’s proceeded by ‘one thousand years of death’
It’s a cultural thing. If you don’t like it tell him it’s annoying and to stop that’s it. No need to think of it sexually. 12 is still a child too!!!
Putting your fingers aggressively on anyone that way at any time is a huge no from me. I saw one Japanese dad yank one of his kids for doing it to a girl at the park with such force, it was like an old school movie cane exit.
So no, not everyone is cool with it either. The default out here seems to be more coddling and more shogonai when it comes to the stupid shit kids do. The way you present your nephew later seems to be poisoning public perception of a young family member loving their family member, however. I can’t give an opinion on that, because I mistrust the intention of that to support the genuine concern you have over the genuine stupidity of kancho.
Just tell the nephew to stop. It doesn’t matter what is “normal”, your kid, you decide. It surely cannot be that frequent of an occurrence… surely…
I always tell my students that there is no touching allowed as a lot of kids really hate being touched. I hate the whole kancho thing with a passion, especially when you see some old guy doing it to a kid. Anyone who touches my butt gets a telling off. I think it’s fine to tell your nephew that he’s not to do that anymore. You don’t need to give a reason but keep an eye on things between them.
Game or not, it’s inappropriate and would count as assault in my home country. It also doesn’t match with the values that I teach my kid that others touching you in your private area is not ok. Anyone doing this to my kid would get a stern verbal telling off (other kids his age) and I wouldn’t hesitate calling the police on any adult doing this. Like what the hell, that’s child predators behavior and no amount of ‘but it’s a cultural difference’ will convince me otherwise. Acceptance of cultural differences end where it violates mine or my family’s body autonomy and boundaries.
TIL Kanchō. For anyone else who was equally as curious:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanch%C5%8D
A lot of people would say that “It’s kids just being kids and there’s nothing sexual.” But child on child sexual abuse happens and it mostly occurs between family members. There are some other red flags here such as the age gap, him wanting to see pictures of your child before bed.
I don’t mean to scare you and I can’t tell if something off is actually happening but if you feel this way it’s best to nip this behavior in the bud and get him to stop and talk to his parents before something potentially bad happens to your kid.
Also teach your kid about consent and boundaries. Tell him it’s ok to say no if he doesn’t like to be touched inappropriately. It doesn’t matter if the situation is potentially sexual or not but it helps for kids to speak out and seek help if they feel that way because kids can be manipulated by abusers to think what’s happening is normal and playful.
This is typical kids stuff for me growing up in a Japanese community with other kids when I was a kid.
Speaking as a Japanese-American who has both kancho’d and been kancho’d in my youth, it’s not a sexual thing at all.
That said, it can be annoying and unpleasant, so it’s fine and understandable to ask the boy to stop. Just don’t put any weird ulterior motives on the Kanchoer based solely off of this culturally normalized prank.
Is you son, you have the right to make him stop if you feel uncomfortable with it.
The kancho is not in and of itself a weird thing or a red flag. Japanese boys are actually rather physically affectionate with their friends compared to western boys. But if something feels off about it, you should trust your instincts and look into the whole thing further.
Trying to understand something with your American mindset that is so ingrained in the culture here and seen as acceptable play among children, friends and even family members is something you should be careful of. There most definitely are aspects of different cultures that are not healthy and with education should hopefully change. Here in Japan butts are funny. There is the Butt Detective which is funny cartoon as well as many books. There are books for children about butts that actually quite funny and teach child about how different/unique we all are at all ages of life and uses the butt as the medium. None of these are sexual whatsoever, and you bring in your outside perspective on this without understanding the culture around it and how deeply ingrained it is in society is foolish and dangerous. You will end up teaching your child to think their friends are sexual deviants when it truly isn’t the case. It took me quite a long, long time to accept this funny butt joke culture here. When I was teaching English a long time ago and my children were growing up here there was the Butt Biting Bug…. Kids would literally bite each other on the ass as a joke because this bug on tv and in books did it. My students bit my butt and my kids bit my butt. I can remember getting so angry and upset when a student did it to me. I scolded her and made her cry telling her it’s inappropriate. I was being foolish and was educated by the other teachers, family and friends that this is what they find funny and acceptable here and I need to calm down. They were right. I still kancho the shit out if my 20 year old son when he’s walking upstairs to his apartment and made him drop a package of eggs in front of his girlfriend. We all laughed our asses off. So that’s the first thing…. And the rest of you uptight idiots can go pack sand if you don’t agree, saying “it’s inappropriate”
Blah blah blah…. No one is sticking fingers inside anyone’s butt hole so sit down and take some CBD. More than half of you are into nasty/stupid Japanese anime that actually sexualizes underage girls so go ahead and fk off. Go after an actual problem with aspects of the culture here because there are many, but this isn’t one.
Now about the nephew…. I would try and observe this play more before assuming the worst. I don’t know how long you’ve lived here and how much experience you have with Japanese children. There could be many other innocent factors explaining his behavior. Is he an only child? Does he have siblings old enough to play with? Did he play with older cousins/Uncle? Does he have many friends? He could truly love your son like a brother and enjoy his company, and miss him at night. My youngest is 7 and as high functioning autism and when he is into something he eat, drinks and sleeps it. He will talk about his friends and his older adult brother and sister all the time especially before bed. He has pictures of them and his favorite cat that passed away that he says good night to every night. He recently saw a black and orange fox on a nature documentary and NEEDED a stuffed fox and cuddles the daylights out of it when he sleeps every night now. Watch for other signs of touching, keep doors open, check in on them without them seeing but don’t make it obvious to them you are concerned about behavior. If it is truly innocent and pure you don’t want to traumatize a child for expressing love to someone they care about. If you find there is something to cause concern step in with calmness and peace and get your nephew into an environment where he can be talked to and questioned because chances are if there is something than he might have experienced something himself when he was younger that taught him it’s ok to do it.
It may be a cultural thing, but personally I would have a talk with the nephe’s parents, and then with the nephew as well. I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all either.
He’s your nephew, doing something you don’t approve to your son. You’re very much within your rights to say something about it.
(Yes, you’re well within your rights to do so about any kid, but considering he’s in your extended family, I’d think you have some extra authority)