My situation is quite unique, and I couldn’t find a similar case, so I wanted to ask if anyone else had gone through a similar situation and what ultimately you decided to do.
I am a U.S. citizen that has been living in Japan for around 10 years, with a long term visa. About 8 years ago I divorced my Japanese spouse (divorce and marriage happened in Japan) due to a severe domestic violence situation and that ex-spouse is now in a psychiatric/rehabilitation facility for criminals (here in Japan).
Flash forward to now, I am considering getting remarried to a non-Japanese citizen (European), we are both living here on long term visas. I know I need to get an “affidavit for marriage” from the U.S embassy in Japan, and to my horror I see a section that states “previous marriage —- divorce date”. The problem is, **my current partner doesn’t know I was previously married.** I know this is something I should disclose to my current partner, but I’ve had to go through years of expensive therapy to get to the point that I was even ready to date again and I don’t want to relive every detail of the darkest point in my life, I still have extreme anxiety even mentioning it now. We also need to register the “kon-in todoke” with the city hall here in Japan, and there is a section that also mentions previous marriage.
My question is, is there something I can do? I tried to hire a lawyer to annul the marriage because of the domestic abuse but it was not possible. Personally, I don’t want my current partner to know about it, this was such a traumatic time in my life and I’ve spent years trying to get passed what happened to me. But I can’t register my new marriage without mentioning on both the affidavit and kon-in todoke about my previous marriage and subsequent divorce.
I know my best option is to consult with a lawyer and as mentioned above I tried getting an annulment but it wasn’t possible. I want to ask advice if there is someone similar out there who has gone through such a situation and what you ultimately did/ and advice about what I can do.
20 comments
Annulment or divorce aside, your current partner should know that you have been together with someone in the past.
traumatic or not, not being honest with your new partner from the start is already a bad sign. Tell him/her & proceed from there
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this situation honestly and openly with your partner I don’t think you’re ready to marry again.
Deception is never a good start.
The trauma and the events don’t define you, and your partner will understand that (in addition to being disappointed you didn’t tell him).
Sit them down and tell him. Explain you’re ashamed of what happened (sounds like you are, even though logically it makes no sense, but we aren’t logical creatures), suffer PTSD, and you hoped to bury that marriage forever, as if it had never happened.
Then it’s up to them.
But you absolutely, 100%, need to tell them. Previous trauma has an impact, and a life partner has a right to know.
Divorce will show up on koseki, jyuuminhyo and many things for the rest of your life in Japan. Is it worth being on eggshells going into a marriage with the need to constantly hide? You just say you don’t want to relive the trauma so you don’t plan on providing the details. If your spouse finds out later wouldn’t you not only have to disclose details plus also go under some sort of mental interrogation risking the trust of your partner.
Can’t get around that one in Japan unfortunately, it will appear on a lot of documents. It’s better to just be honest with them.
I feel bad for your current partner than you don’t trust them enough to tell them you are still married. If I was them, this would be a deal breaker.
Get married in a different country.
It’s better to tell your partner about the divorce, but:
Your current partner doesn’t need to be with you when you go to get the affidavit.
If you’re marrying in Japan, you could offer to file the papers for marriage in Japan for you and your new spouse (we were told only one of us needed to be there, and we saw a white man filing for him and his Japanese wife without her as well).
I’m sorry you suffered so severely in the past, but it’s better to be honest with your current partner. I was also divorced due to domestic violence (although, not as severely as you were, it seems, OP).
I told my current husband and a little bit about what happened to me in my previous marriage. It was helpful to share what happened and I was glad for his support.
Even if you don’t want to disclose what happened to you, it’s okay to say that, but you should tell your partner you were married before.
A neutral suggestion: why not write something similar to this post in a letter and give it to your partner so you don’t have to actually talk about it, but are still confiding in them?
the later your partner found out about your dishonesty the more damage it takes. Both legally and mentally
I really think it’s better to tell your partner. Explain the circumstances and go from there. It will be a tough conversation but better to have it out.
I think if you’re not ready to tell her about your old marriage you should wait.
Perhaps this comment section is beating a dead horse by now, but I’ve decided to also throw in a punch.
Despite your trauma—maybe even in light of it—you should tell your partner. If you’re not ready to have that conversation I don’t think you’re ready to be with someone let alone marry them. This is a huge thing to hide. Please reevaluate your stance on telling them or your relationship as a whole. They probably won’t mind now—but when (not if) this comes out after you having hidden it DURING the process of getting married, they will *not* appreciate it. Good luck with your situation, and I’m really sorry you had to go through such a dark time.
Frankly,
Tell your partner or don’t consider getting married. Full stop.
I know it’s hard and it’s a conversation you don’t want to have but what did this new partner do to you to deserve this much dishonesty right off the bat? I’m assuming nothing.
If you respect and care for this person you should tell them. You can explain you’re not ready to go into detail about it and that it was traumatic and you did therapy and hopefully they’ll be understanding. If not then great now you know they are not the person for you. But as it stands, currently YOU are not ready to be married. If you can tell strangers, you can tell the person you allegedly love enough to try to marry. It may be difficult but they deserve to be informed before committing to a big life change with you.
I would feel so incredibly betrayed if I found out my partner was previously married and that they didn’t trust me enough to inform me and went completely out of their way to hide it. If they’ll hide that what else are they hiding? Affairs? STDS? Kids? I don’t know, this person apparently doesn’t trust me with important information that affects the both of us. You may think a previous marriage doesn’t matter because it’s done and over with, and to some degree it doesn’t. But it’s still very huge crucial information about you and as you’ve found out with needing documentation, it does pop up and affect you from time to time. Your partner should know.
Also if you love this person and feel safe with them, they can become a great pillar of support for you as you navigate. Maybe go back and talk to your therapist but if you keep this from a partner you are trying to marry, you’re never going to get passed it.
Say “i was previously married but the situation was incredibly traumatic for me. Im sorry i kept it secret i didnt want to relive it”. Thats all u need to tell ur current gf but u really do NEED to tell her
Not to diminish your past trauma, but that is not an excuse or reason to lie to your future significant other.
Let play role reverse, would you like to know if your future significant other was previously married?
Kind of playing with fire here and starting your future marriage on really rocky ground. Things like this has weird way of surfacing in the future, better to be honest with your significant other and talk about it. If you love this individual enough to marry them, why not trust them with your past?
Trauma is real, for you. Trauma is valid for you, but to the outside looking in: it’s a label that helps us better understand you.
Labels do not themselves absolve accountability and responsibility when it comes to doing things like not lying to your current partner.
The easiest it’ll ever be is now. The longer you wait, the more likely it is to damage your current relationship.
Either one of two things happen: they’ll be your advocate and help you navigate this tricky annulment situation, or they might feel uncomfortable and bow out. This, saving you a second divorce down the line when they find out.
All the best. I think most people here are on the same page that you need to tell your partner.
Sounds like you need to talk to your partner mate. Trust in her