Second year living in Japan, but pretty shy. I am looking for friendship/love here. Suggestions?

5 comments

1. I came to Japan as an ALT at age 40 and was a complete beginner at Japanese. I’m now at around N3 so still a long way to go, but I find it’s enough for ‘getting to know you’ conversations.

   I have some friends I met through teaching and although my schools have changed, we still hang out. Activities like skiing have been really helpful as you don’t have to talk much but can still have fun and enjoy some ramen after or whatever.

   I met my partner here although my circumstances are slightly different in that his English is good from working overseas. Having said that, we frequent our local izakaya/ kareoke bar and I’m sure Mama would be setting me up with any available singles if my situation was different.

2. You probably won’t be making many irl friends on Reddit with that comment history

3. 38 when I came here on JET, now 42, first came to Japan at 33 as an exchange student. From my experience I’d say the best thing to do is join a club, a common interest, and thst gives you snd others the chance to interact and get on my friendly terms.
   I’m still in regular contact with the school maintenance guy at my JET posting as we have common interests, and hung out a few times outside of work. Aside from that Most lasting friendships have been either those rare, outgoing Japanese people or those members of clubs I joined over the years.
   Be aware though, that must of us approaching middle age are pretty busy with work and family, so making friends often isn’t high on their agendas.

4. G’day! That can be a difficult situation

   36M also in his second year! Doing a couple things more towards career and speaking Japanese but won’t say no to friends/dates either. I’ve been thinking and reading on this sort of thing a lot

   My two cents (And mind this could all be COMPLETE BS depending on the person)

   1. Making friends with most people after 30-35 is difficult because by then folks have major commitments (Kids, career, etc). It’s not that they don’t want to be friendly but they don’t have time or energy in the aftermath to build or actively maintain friendships. In this case, it would be on you to patiently do the legwork (Arranging meetups, offering to help out, going over to theirs, etc) and accomodating a lot of the time. I think the trick to this is not taking it personally, people often do and it makes them bitter. It’s not so much to do with you (As long as you’re a decent bloke) than it does with the other person’s energy levels

   2. Anecdotal, it’s generally harder for men to form friends with other mature-aged men. Generally, we’ve been taught to treat each other as competition since we were young and it’s a really hard habit to break. I also think it gets worse as we get older and feelings of mortality step up. This is normal and will take time and practice to stop getting annoyed at. What does this look like? Being supportive of other men – listening and asking questions without being judgemental as well as slowly not being afraid to be vulnerable and talk about your own feelings and struggles. It sucks but it really does bond people

   Women will generally be much more cautious about being friends with. Speaking for my own age range, I absolutely get why

   3. On making friends with Japanese folk – along with the above considerations – Japanese folk, even the most outgoing, are quiet and private. To make friends with them will require significantly more effort, including yes, your Japanese. It can help you however – remember what I said about being vulnerable? Be seen working on and ask for help with your Japanese. It allows j folk to approach you comfortably from a place of power/advantage/security which makes people more amicable. They also generally admire the consistency and effort. I got called back to some paperwork and thought I had something wrong but my boss wanted to show me how much my writing had improved 😛

   As a foreigner- it’s also key to understand that even if you’re definitely here, the expectation is that foreigners don’t stay for very long. Again why invest what limited time and energy to make a friend with someone who’ll “likely” just up and out? And again, the answer is consistency and patience (But much longer than we’re used to)

   I’m reading this if it helps https://www.amazon.co.jp/-/en/Kiyoshi-Matsumoto-ebook/dp/B097P7L6P2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=14TREJ2TDZOPV&keywords=Japan+Unmasked&qid=1665715833&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIxLjk5IiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=japan+unmasked%2Caps%2C160&sr=8-1

   4. Language school is an EXCELLENT idea! Not only will you improve your Japanese but it’s also a good place to practice those small consistent interactions with at least one other stranger in a consistent and controlled environment. This will help you get better with being shy

   5. As well as stuff you have to do, go do things you LIKE to do! A large part of being liked by other people is being able to like yourself. What makes you happy? Your job? Streaming? Find new ways to spend time and delight in it. It’ll give you more to talk about and people who can talk about things enthusiastically (Without being a jerk about it) are fun to be around. I get asked about my travel list often and people often joke when they ask which strange place with cats or dinosaurs am I going to roam next (Fukui in Autumn I’m planning ;))

   6. Little bit the other way – go do things you have no idea about. If not a formal group, fine try to engage in a local hobby. By yourself to start and then slowly find your tribe. This might look something like joining a club for something you have nfi about but are willing to learn of (I can lacquer plate design now :P) or go off on your own to practice things. The thing where I live might be golf or the batting ranges – not my jam but good exercise and I might enjoy it

   Then, eventually ask the folk you know for advice. Again, it allows them to approach you from a position of strength which makes them more relaxed an amicable. More strength equals less energy/effort right?

   Moreover, people appreciate people who (sincerely) take an interest in them and their work. This works with J folk too though yeah might take a bit more effort

   7. Respectfully, given you’re a streamer – don’t listen to social media (He said posting on Reddit :P). There’s a lot there that is over exaggerated if not just an outright lie in that pursuit of validation, clicks and sweet sweet advertising freebies. The more of this you consume, the worse you’ll make yourself feel. If it’s true, it probably was a lot harder to get to that point or is not as good as they’re pointing out. Even if they’re pointing out the bad stuff, I’ve got money that says it’s put upon/an act for the likes

   Super jaded I know XD The point being comparison is the thief of joy and this, chances are, is likely not even an honest comparison. Don’t compare someone’s highlight reel with your behind the scenes! Ease back on the socials and spend more time working on yourself and giving credit for the good you really are instead of the manufactured attractive pretence of someone else

   So what to do?
   – Be patient and consistent in building a relationship through small interactions like compliments and casual conversations
   – Be patient and kind to yourself
   – Spend more time with things and people that you delight in and make you feel good
   – Spend less time with the stuff that makes you feel worse about yourself. This will be hard to do in regards to social media, unsub, mute, etc – I use something my therapist taught me called “What can I do instead?” E.g instead of doom scrolling, I’m going to play Outer Worlds because it makes me laugh
   – Be open to and develop new interests, whether with others or by yourself. People with interests are interesting. People who enjoy many interests are enjoyable for many reasons
   – There is no magical place for “dating”. The best thing you can do is increase your opportunities. Dating apps are ok but as per the social media stuff, too much time on them is crushing – go out to many places and meet people. Patiently and slowly in small steps and situations until you feel more confident (Again language school is a great idea and practice)
   – Re dating you’ll hear (Probs here) of rule one and two (Be attractive, don’t be unattractive). That is some borderline incel bs in the way it’s intended that embitters the people who chant it as a mantra even if they tell themselves it’s for the lulz. But the principle is sound – be the kind of person who attracts others, and there’s so much in your control for that so long as you’re patient, consistent and kind to yourself and others.
   – IMO – read. Like a ton. Of everything

5. I will check back in 2 years when your talking about leaving Japan and divorce