I know Japan is one of the most stressful countries, but its too much.
Straight to the point Currently, I have a Japanese girlfriend who has depression, anxiety, and stress, and I am not sure how to comfort her. Her issue started when she was working at the airport. She was always ranting about the boss being too strict, having no break time, and not getting enough sleep after working 10 hours a day.
After she quit working at the airport, which is where everything starts, she could not get a stable job because she always quits because of depression and trauma. So I told her to take her time; if you don’t want to work full time, you can work part time, which she agreed to but still keeps quitting. She went to see a doctor, and it seems it still didn’t work. I always talked to her, and it seemed to work, but it was still not enough. She will feel good today, but after that day, she will get stressed and depressed again. Little by little, I see some progress, but another bomb drops. Her father got cancer and diabetes, and, of course, she got depressed and everything. What I did was just stay by her side and take care of her.
But f@\*k, Desitny is playing with her. Guess what else she heard? Her mom uses her name to borrow money from insurance, and currently the insurance company is asking to pay up to 1 million yen, which makes her depressed again. She does not have enough money to pay all of these debts, and she also has credit card debt, which she pays every month but not enough to cover her house rent and utilities. For her to be able to solve this issue, she needs a lawyer, which they managed to do, but the thing is, her credit card will be cut off, and she will go black for 5 to 10 years, making it hard for her to find a new apartment. I told her not to worry too much about it and to focus on saving money so that no matter what happens, she can find a good place.
Speaking of personalities, we are opposites; I am always positive and she is always negative. I always try to cheer her up, but it seems it does not work.
We have been living under the same roof for 1 year, and for that 1 year I listened to her problems, which led to the point where I got stressed out. Also, absorbing all of those problems was too much for me. We got into a lot of fights, which led me to move out of my apartment.
PS: I already told her to talk with a psychologist, but she refutes it because: 1. money issues; 2. She thinks Japanese psychologists are just scammers. Take note: she is Japanese. Also I talked to her if we both fixed our own issue we might live together but I think its to much pressure for her.
28 comments
There are no good, one-size fits all answers.
It’s good that you’re there for her but ultimately struggles with mental health are fights that she has to endure – with your support though, which will be very helpful.
Making sure she knows she isn’t alone is going to be a great boon to her, even if she doesn’t appear to acknowledge it or appreciate it now.
If she doesn’t want to seek professional help, it can be good for her to just talk to other people to vent (so long as those people aren’t the kind to give her stupid advice). Just talking about things can be cathartic, and it’s possible that someone else might be able to help her.
Good luck to you and your girlfriend!
weed
It’s difficult for one person to “comfort” someone out of these issues, specially because there’s not one right answer, so it’s hard for anyone to tell exactly what you should say as none of us know her. One of the few advices that probably fit most situations is try being empathetic, perhaps?
The most effective way out is therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy to be more specific. The sad part is that she’s not wrong about japanese psychologists being bad, but finding an actual psychologist who’s not doing treatment based off pseudoscience is pretty difficult in most countries too.
You ever seen someone try to save a drowning person only to get pulled under as well?
Sometimes it’s better in these situations to let go and move on. No matter what you do, how much support you give, how much love you have, it will most likely never be enough.
The best thing you might actually be able to do for her is let her go. Hopefully her instinct for survival kicks in and she can pull herself out, but as long as you’re there then there’s not much reason to fix the issue. After all, she already has you to lean on and vent to.
I’m speaking from experience when I say these things. Good luck. If you decide to let go it will probably be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.
It won’t cure it but look up some mindfulness exercises. They might help with the day to day till you can find some decent help.
She needs to cut contact with her parents, declare bankruptcy, get 生活保護 and get diagnosed with depression to keep collecting welfare until she can get back on her feet.
Tell her to read Marcus Aurelius *Meditations*
I’m sorry to hear everything she has been going through recently. Mental health care in Japan is not a fully formed Thing, and Japanese citizens being cautious of taking advantage of the mental health care that is available is a whole other Thing.
However, the best thing you can do for her is what you are currently doing – offer support and a shoulder to cry on when appropriate. She has resources available to help her through her emotional and financial issues and she can use them when she’s ready.
Depression can decimate someone’s willingness to help themself, but that does not make it your job as the loving boyfriend to come in and try to fix everything. It may seem counter intuitive, but placing boundaries around how often you “allow” her to pull you into her bouts of sadness may actually help her build healthier coping mechanisms.
Caretaker burnout and the resentment that is born from it are not something many relationships can handle. It’s possible that the beginning of this is what caused you to move out in the first place. I don’t know the details beyond what you posted, but this was the impression I had.
I truly hope things start to work out for both of you.
TLDR; dude. You can’t save this women. You’re likely codependent on each other and the best thing you can do for yourselves is break up with each other. It will hurt. But it’s the best for the both of you.
Unless you decide to change careers and become a psychologist, you won’t be able to help effectively. You’re already doing (as long as you’re telling the truth) more than enough to try to support her as a partner. You can lead a horse to water but can’t force it to drink. She’s not drinking the water.
Break up with each other.
What worked for me when I fell into depression after a very painful breakup was getting pets. That’s how I adopted my first two rats many years ago.
I recommend getting a syrian hamster. They’re cute, cuddly (if handled properly), fun to play with, and very easy to care for. They’re very sensitive to heat, so your girlfriend will have to keep the air conditioner on 24/7 during the warm months.
Of course, this solution won’t work if she doesn’t like animals.
I’m sorry your girlfriend has to suffer so much. I hope things get better for her soon. Also, thank you for trying your best to be there for her. However, I think for your relationship to continue without straining yourself, you’ll have to set boundaries. Take care of yourself, and be firm with her about what you are able to do for her and what you cannot. You also need to make her understand that she needs to take care of her own mental health. You can only support her from her side, but she alone can become stronger and make her condition better. If psychologists cost money, try finding a free counseling. Also, try to find out if she is eligible for government programs that may alleviate her financial worries.
I used to be like you and always postive and cheetful. After my fifth year here my home friends would ask why I dont smile anymore. This place may suck the joy out of you eventually. You need to be mindful of your own mental health
A friend’s husband had depression. They moved overseas for a few years, and being a place where no one knows him, and he was able to start fresh really helped with his depression. In his case, all the social expectations as a Japanese in Japan at his age was the one that has been fuelling his depression.
They came back to Japan and now living a slow and modest life in the inaka.
You said “psychologist.” Do you mean a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist? Two different species. My advice would be to do both. If she is really fucked up tell her to apply for 自立支援 and 生活保護.
I feel like financial abuse by parents is a big unspoken issue here, I have a few Japanese friends whose parents have done this kind of stuff and more (keeping control of bank books/cashcards that they opened as a teenager many years ago), opening stuff in their name, straight up stealing money out of their accounts and so on.
These “parents” are absolute pricks of the highest order, I’d bet that they’re also playing mind games and constantly negging her as well as this has happened in the case of pretty much all of my friends who have this issue and with the concept of filial piety 「親孝行」the now adult children have been conditioned to not do anything about it as doing something about it is going against society and everything they’ve ever been taught.
So yeah, no wonder she’s depressed, the people who are supposed to be on her side are against her and are just using her for money/their benefit.
She needs to cut ties with the parents, find some way of dealing with this (therapy, throwing plates, yelling into an abyss, shooting people in Fortnite, idk whatever works for her) and take control of her own life again but ultimately until she makes this decision herself, nothing will change.
i get the feeling most Japanese doctors don’t know shit about depression.
I think it’s better for you to leave this situation.
You can’t save a partner. You can’t. Especially in Japan.
Why are people just saying break up? It’s not relationship advice that OP is looking for..
Anyway, my girlfriend is also very stressed and anxious on a daily basis from her work. She does work for a gaishi but it is a very cut throat American one. While she has no financial issues, she is very stressed about performance, career development and 上司s scolding her.
Lately it has gotten a lot better, partially since we have both changed our mindset about work. We have adopted the Z世代の働き方. Essentially do only the work that works for furthering your career. For everything else just work at minimum effort. Then also understand that you are you and work is not you.
For health and family issues, these sort of things are very unpredictable and come up suddenly. It’s difficult to handle but just know that these are likely temporary hits that can be overcome with time and effort. All you can do is let her know that you’re there for support.
Best of luck to you both.
You can’t fix people, and you *can’t* really take care of her. That’s not how depression works. What you can do is support her, and hope that she stands up on her own. Most people do, but it can take longer than you can wait.
On a day to day basis, there are a few small things you can do. Praise her for her wins. Remind her of her accomplishments. Ask her for help with things that you know she can do, and thank her for those things (i.e., give her tangible reasons to feel valued).
Sometimes, though, a person just has to feel feelings. What you’ve described sounds less like clinical depression and more like a person who just got sandbagged with more than they could handle. She needs to talk through her feelings and thoughts in a safe place. The person who provides that doesn’t need to be a doctor, but as her partner, you can’t do more than a small piece of that job. But, her therapist doesn’t need to be, you know… a Capital T Therapist. They don’t need to be one person, either.
Does she have female friends who really care about her? Aunties or nieces or cousins with more moral fiber than her mother? Do what you can to make sure she spends time with them. For extra effectiveness, book a room at a ryokan somewhere, put a bento in her hands and put her into a taxi with another lady who cares about her. She sounds like someone who needs a proper girls night.
Her mental health issues are caused by the issues in relationship with parents as a child. You mentioned money issues with her mom etc.. she needs to get over the childhood trauma, it’s not a work related issue like she wants people to believe.
I bet she didn’t switch to a super genki and postive girl once she quit..
Real thereapy is Japan is not great, it cost money like 6000 yen per hour, not insurance covered. I did lots of checks for my GF with mental health issues on what can be done..But Japan doc love stuffing patients with various anti-depression and sleeping pills so in the end she may get addicted to benzos or worse.
Don’t hold out hope for change until she decides to fix it herself. You will be frustrated trying to help which cannot end well for either of you. She hasn’t yet accepted the fact she is screwed up. This is common but not normal. Many people like this need to hit bottom before they reach out for help.
1. You can’t comfort someone out of these issues. She needs help, but professional help would be best. Medication would probably help a lot.
2. She’s an adult. You can’t force an adult to get help. She has to want it.
My wife was the same and I was in the same boat. Actually it stopped me from marrying her until 8 years into our relationship. People always ask why did it take you so long? And I can’t really tell them the truth. It sucks big time and I feel for you. But just insist and have her go to a therapist and get some medicine. It will pull them (and you) out of the hopeless situation at least for a start. It’s a common illness. Be reassuring.
Then get a trip overseas and get some psilocybin. That’s my goal.
Edit: I forgot one thing, when things are bad and you try to say things to help > everything you say will be used against you in a negative way and add to the problem and pain. This is what nearly destroyed me. Just remember it’s not them it’s the illness speaking.
You can comfort and support her, but although you have the heart and the desire to help, you don’t have the training. She needs professional help.
One possibility is university hospitals, where residents provide counseling at reduced rates. We paid ¥2250/hr for a family member.
My brother, if she is unwilling to get the help she needs herself, you will soon find out that her behavior and unwillingness to seek help will chip away at the positive go lucky guy you are. I was married to my ex wife, and she was depressed for all of the 10 years we were together, nothing I did to cheer her up ever worked, and she absolutely refused personal therapy. I used to beg her to seek help, legit beg. In the end it chipped away at the optimistic personality I held so dear to me. When I asked for a divorce, she acted serious, but still refused to see a therapist, but at least agreed to couples therapy. Unfortunately, after a whole year of couples therapy and her unwillingness to take heed of the advice of our therapist. I ended the relationship, and it took nearly 3-4 years to recover from that relationship. I don’t claim that your girlfriend will be the same, but those unwilling to seek help for themselves, even when they see how much it affects their life, will only cause the hole to sink even further and it will swallow you along with it.
As someone who was/is in this same situation, you are doing great.
The biggest problem here is very likely not her work, but her childhood trauma. I am 100% sure that if her mother is financially abusing her like that as an adult, there is likely more parental trauma that she hasn’t told you about. That is something only her can solve, but you are doing very well at supporting her.
The only thing you can really do for her is continue to listen and be her rock. You can only support her but not heal her, that she has to do on her own. Of course, as other comments say, make sure to watch out for caretaker fatigue (it is very easy to feel burnt out when you feel responsible for somebody’s wellbeing); and make sure she spends time with her support network (if she has any) or having a good time (whenever possible).
When it comes to work, she’s likely forcing herself to find employment to feel like she contributes to the relationship and to feel like she has something of value to bring to society.
Have a heart to heart with her, from a very compassionate point of view, and try to explore with her if what she needs the most right now is time for herself to heal or if she needs to stay “in touch” with society and to feel like she has a place in it (giving up on employment makes you feel like you are isolated real fast). Make sure to remind her that, wether she chooses to work or not, she *still* has plenty to offer and is contributing to the relationship.
Does she have any hobbies? If not, it would be important to help her get some.
When it comes to therapy, does she speak any English at all? You could use betterhelp to find her a therapist (they don’t offer psychologists sadly). Betterhelp is fully online, you ca schedule the sessions whenever you have free time and they offer good discounts for the unemployed and students.
頑張ってください。It will be a long, difficult road but it is all worth it to see a smile on her face again ^^
Sounds very familiar aside from the mother thing.
Been married 13 years and 1 child and its basicially the same story as you. For me I try not to fight. Maybe once every 3 years a small explosion happens (not on my side)
However I am married and im committed to my promise. I could care less if everyone says move on. Its too easy to just leave my responsibilities. I will do my part. She wants to quit or stay home its fine.