Hi all.
I have 90% decided to go ahead with divorce.
Question that logically I know the answer too but Japan has thrown up surprises before….
I want to know if anyone has been through divorce by litigation. I have video evidence of my spouse going to a hotel. BUT I don’t know the person other than face.
If we don’t know who it is, there is no case, right?
31 comments
Update: I have a meeting with a lawyer on 14th September but as time is limited, I don’t want to waste it on something that is a non-starter.
Have you confronted her? Is she absolutely stonewalling against a divorce? Is there hope for negotiating a settlement?
It isn’t necessarily no case if you don’t know who it is. Do you have other evidence, like did she lie about going elsewhere but in reality went to a hotel?
Overall it isn’t an easy process.
You first have to go to mediation. Only when mediation fails, then you go to trial
Mediation is a settlement stage. Here you try to negotiate agreeable terms of divorce.
If you stonewall hard on divorce and she stonewalls hard on no divorce and there is no hope of agreement, then mediation can fail and then you go to trial. This can take 4 to 6 months.
If there is some discussion and negotiation but the exact terms are hard to agree on, then mediation could go on for a while, up to a year.
Trial you present your evidence and case and hope that your evidence and case is > than hers. Trials will probably take minimum 1 year for a clear cut case and up to 3 for murkier ones.
I don’t know how to help but I came to say don’t feel bad (the sorry part) about bringing this up. Tons of dicks and trolls in this sub but seeking a community through hard times is better than bottling that shit up
Hey I just want to say that I’m available anytime if you need someone to talk.
I’ve also divorced, but I don’t know the answer to you question.
According to the lawyers of a friend going through the same thing (except her Japanese husband has three mistresses who don’t know about one another), the proof of unfaithfulness needs to be iron clad, the golden standard being pictures of the spouse and their partner both going into and leaving the love hotel (and not a business hotel, as they could then argue it was for a work meeting). The identity of the partner doesn’t need to be known.
Additionally the splitting of assets occurs regardless – what changes is that you can request 慰謝料 funds from your soon to be ex spouse AND from their sexual partner if the affair led to living separately or divorce (assuming the partner was aware that your spouse was married). Typically between 2-3 million yen for each. You lose one of those potential payouts by not knowing the identity of the partner.
Good luck OP, hope you win the case if it comes to that.
You don’t need to know him. The best thing would be to have an admission from your wife, written or recorded. Then listen to your lawyer, but you should have enough ground to demand 慰謝料. Good luck
It is very common to hire a private investigator to substantiate any suspicions or claims in a divorce. I believe they may well be more affordable than a lawyer, and will save you time and money in the long run.
Forgive my French but divorce this cow. I have divorced myself before and believe me, if the situation was the opposite way, she would bury your ass six feet under, no pity, Japanese way. Hit as strong as she would.
If you plan to stay in Japan and you think she may get custody, bring that up to your lawyer. Because retaining access to your child will depend on your relationship with your STBX. There is no shared custody here.
Forget this 90% thing… it’s 100% over. As others are saying, just make sure you are in the best position to get the most advantageous divorce settlement and compensation.
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Not blaming you OP but the prevalence of divorce posts on this sub is troubling. Why are there so many bad relationships?
As an American who caught his Japanese wife cheating after a 12 year marriage trust me, you need to get out of there.
It will be like ripping off a band-aid. It will sting at first but will get much better over time.
Hang in there dude and I’m very sorry you have to go through this.
I’m in the exact same situation as you. Wife was cheating and the only reason we aren’t divorced are the kids. If it wasn’t for my weird visa status in the country I would be in your position. I don’t think I’m strong enough to leave her since I hope the is a chance to stay together (even though I caught her multiple times) we live on the outskirts of Tokyo but I didn’t consider my kids being teased for mixed or having divorced parents.
I have the dudes number and know his name. My wife has asked me not to contact him and meet him but it gets harder thinking about how she went behind my back. I’ve considered driving around the area he lives in just to find him.
If you ever want to talk hit me up. This situation has fucked me mentally too and it can feel very lonely at times. Keep your head up.
Hi OP here.
Thank you for all your support, experiences and advice. I expected to be judged but needed some help and I appreciate it all.
To anyone who is thinking:
– why 90%. Basically for my son. As a mixed race child and divorced that is a big target on his back for bullies. This is COMMON in the countryside.
– “just sue him”.
Yes. I want to but I’m asking about if it’s possible (I don’t know his name.
Also, I need to make sure I don’t lose access to my kids. The mother doesn’t always follow the rules of the agreement or court and nothing is ever done about it.
Finally. It costs about 400,000yen as a minimum win or lose. Also, if I win, the lawyers will take about 10-15% of the reward. Considering that, is it worth it? I might just end up breaking even.
I hope that clears up a few common questions but I do appreciate all your experiences and anything you know that may help me.
op is bout to be rich
good thinking of collecting evidence
There are professionals detective to know who the other person is etc… that’s like 90% of their work I think.
See what the lawyer says before paying for that, maybe all your evidences are already enough.
Lawyer can tell you what to expect quite quickly since they have many similar affairs.
Hope your life get better from here on put
I think there’s a lot of well and good intentioned people here sharing advice, though I also suspect a lot of people without much experience in the matter are also sharing advice that you should really think hard about.
I have been through divorce in Japan and I know the kind of messy situation it can turn into, especially if #1 you’re not Japanese, and #2 you’re a man.
The only thing I can advise is that you put the well-being of your child first before anything else.
An expensive battle in court might not result in a successful outcome for you as the courts here will always favor the mother, even if she is in the wrong.
I’d personally advise you both come to an agreement about access to your child and child support before taking it to court. Better still, avoid court all together.
Get a document written up and signed by a notary that ensures you maintain access, if you don’t and the judge decides that you have to pay child support and let the mother decide when (if ever) you can see your kid, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Remember, your lawyer might push for a court settlement because he/she gets paid that way, no matter the outcome. My lawyer screwed me, that’s all I’ll say.
I’m so sorry, you must feel awful. Just remember that another person’s infidelity is never your fault.
Japanese women and men cheat a lot man.
Sorry to hear this is happening to you.
Pretty much why I refuse to marry.
I think you stay for the child. If there’s no violence. Divorce when they are adult.
Reading through some of your comments, I understand the situation as you want a divorce, but are worried about custody?
You’ll get the divorce, but she’ll get custody and if history tells us anything, she’ll fuck you over three ways from Sunday on this. You’ll never see the kid, and the court won’t do shit about it other than tell her again and again to let you see the kid…
That said, I have a friend who was in the same situation. He basically used her infidelity as a weapon and blackmailed her legally, through a lawyer, where he told her to give him the divorce and custody, or he’d sue her and the boyfriend, which would let all her and the boyfriend’s friends and family know what upstanding people they are.
He got the D. He got the kid.
Have you gotten all possible benefits out of the toxic relationship? Basically, did you get your PR?
Sorry you’re going through this, wish I could help – well, through an acquaintance’s experience or something, naturally. I’m okay with the happy marriage I have. I know next to nothing about any of this.
There are some very good suggestions on this thread
I will add this as a child of an ugly divorce
Staying together “for the child” is a false narrative
The day we left our lives improved so much on an emotional level. Financially not so much, but money can be a good motivator so in the end that worked out well too. Granted that what worked for me, doesn’t apply to the OP or anyone else but I didn’t see this being addressed.
A house full of distrust and other “issues” is not good for any child. Far better to divorce and start building again.
Having said that its best to do it the “right way”. It may be hard right now but if you play the “long game” right, things will only get better. Clearly she cannot be trusted. With anything said or done.
Repeat the mantra “trust is earned”. Only fools give it away.
Lastly I think it prudent to start building some community. Fortunately we live in an era of zoom and numerous other apps for staying in touch. Reach out to people you knew in the past who were emotionally supportive. Someone who asks how we are doing because they care is almost beyong measure. If we don’t have that, then its time to start. Its a skill like any other. Learn to foster it and receive the bountiful benefits from it.
White dude married a Japanese because of his yellow fever. Your comments history is very juicy… you really have a thing for Asian girls. What a creep.
These interracial marriages never worked. 🤣
Make sure you talk to your son. There is no shared custody in Japan; if you fight hard, you may get the option to have a meeting with him once a month, but basically she will probably get custody as she is the mother and the Japanese person, and you will have no rights at all. Your wife might agree informally tomorrow access, but if she changes her mind, that’s it. (It’s possible, since she is the one who had the affair, the judgement on custody would go the other way, but you might consider it will be better for your son to stay with his mother overall, given what you say about where you live and problems with non-Japanese there. But on top of the usual reassuring a child, it’s not their fault. You must talk to him and let him know that whatever happens, even if his mother gets custody, you will always want to see him, he can contact you whenever he wants to, you’ll always love him and you’ll always be there for him. And make sure he knows how to get hold of you-make your social media searchable, don’t change your your phone number etc, then even if he’s kept from meeting you while he’s a minor, he’ll be able to reach out when he’s 18.
Is this guy she’s sleeping with Japanese?
If my wife did this to me, I will do it myself with some other women. No point to get angry just enjoy the fun.
I’m reading your replies about not suing her and the other guy, I’ll assure you that it will bite you back later. If roles was reversed, your wife will sue you without any hesitation. Your situation is already worst man, don’t try to compromise or pity your wife, she not only destroyed your marriage but also your family without any remorse and second thinking. Let the other guy’s girlfriend sue your wife too. In case of your child, if you had a history of taking care of your child and financially capable(which I’m sure you are), try to fight for custody. Japanese court is not always biased towards the girl. Besides you have evidence to show your child when the time comes. Imagine if your wife and her affair guy remarried together in the future with your son on their custody just because you chose to be lenient. Sue them, Not unless there’s a reason why your wife cheated on you. Anyhow, I don’t know anything about you personally so I can only wish you goodluck and stay strong for your kid. Have a recorded confession and do everything you can to get out in that situation without any compromise, it will hurt now but it will be the best in the long run. May you get good lawyers and prepare your cards properly.
You should go ahead with it imo. The argument for the son is pretty weak, since growing up in a household where the parents clearly have no love for each other is likely worse than growing up with divorced parents.
Your post history is wild…
You should definitely delete all that. You keep mentioning you going to try the car logs translated. I’m assuming the cheating partner is Japanese too. Which means your wife can speak English. A very small chance but if she somehow finds your Reddit account, I can see her and her lawyer making a case for your sexual infidelity.
A stretch but still.
Once you get all the advice you need, nuke your account.