I (30f) work at an Eikaiwa so it’s 1-on-1. She’s a 15 year old whose preparing for Eiken Pre-2. She has one class on a Friday at 8pm with me just learning conversational English. Recently my boss told me she would start coming on Tuesday 8pm for Eiken.
She used to be quiet, but good, I sometimes would buy sweets for us to perk her up. But since eiken started she has been extra tired and quiet. We’ve always had a good relationship – every school trip or holiday she goes on she always gets me thoughtful souvenirs. ❤️
Recently she comes in and hardly says anything. When she’s like this I try to make things fun for her – like get up her favourite K-Pop band music videos on the TV and ask questions in English to get her in a good mood – but she just stares at her lap and gives me nothing.
All I know about her is that parents and school are making her stay until 7:45pm for catch up because she’s really REALLY behind. Then she comes here or goes home and studies until very late. Most of the time she comes here without having eaten any dinner!! But I also don’t get why she can’t go by a konbini and pick something up.
Anyway like the title says she just came to class didn’t say anything – just stared at her lap. I thought she was asleep. But I got up and saw tears rolling down her neck and dropping onto her lap. So I sat nearer to her and put Konan on (her fave show). I didn’t want to pry too much but I just said she can talk to me if she wants. After 20 mins of us watching Konan she finally took her mask off and wiped her face for a while. Occasionally looking at me. I asked her what sweets she would like me to pick up for Friday but she couldn’t tell me. She knew what time it was but chose to stay an extra ten mins.
I just feel so helpless. I really want to do something. What can I do?
18 comments
Are you a man or woman?
These eikaiwa posts are always so sad…what is the advantage of taking the eiken? Will it improve a students life? Because it honestly just seems to make it drastically worse
Well done! You did the right thing. She trusts you enough to make your office her safe space. You don’t need to do much else. Just keep letting her know that she’s safe to tell you anything or nothing at all, or that she can just cry and watch Konan. If you start prying or making big gestures, it will create tension. Keep doing little things and being present.
Kids are often have their problems trivialized by adults. She probably doesn’t have anyone to talk to that she trusts. Since you’re a bit younger and presumably western, maybe she will open up when she’s ready. Studying can wait.
15, so I’m guessing she’s 3rd year?
From the sound of it, she’s almost certainly burning out. This year is when they start studying for the high school entrance tests, and it can really eat at them, not to mention it sounds like her family is really pushing her hard. Pre-2 is a high school level test, and some kids never pass it.
Helping her is going to depend a lot on what you feel comfortable with. The next Eiken round isn’t until after summer vacation, so if she is planning/her family is planning for her to come until the next test at least, then you have some time.
First, simply, I’d suggest you casually offer for her to bring her other homework to class with her. Since your focus is conversation, she can clear some of her extra homework during your class while you talk in English. If anyone asks, you’re integrating her other subjects into you lessons.
Second, unfortunately she might not have money (various reasons) to buy dinner before coming to your class. If you can afford it, in addition to sweets, maybe you can bring some small foods, like onigiri, or conbini sandwiches. Regular food (not that sweets aren’t also good) will help her focus and feel less stressed.
Third, keep being chill. If she needs to sit and watch some videos for a while, do that. Be positive about her, and give her praise, not just about how much work she is doing or how her grades are, but also about being kind, etc.
The good thing about conversational English is that you can easily adjust your curriculum to allow fit to what she needs. And, when she’s feeling better, you can focus on interview style for the Eiken test.
She sounds overloaded and overwhelmed. It’s possible that she’s having trouble at school too (with her peer group, for example).
It’s really frustrating to be left out of the loop about her home life. I’m always so grateful when my cram school boss shares certain details about these things (in the strictest confidence, of course), such as divorce or bereavement.
I think that all you can do is be a calm and steady presence in her life. Don’t pry. Buy her some chocolate milk, and make a ritual of having a little snack time together. Be consistent. Praise her efforts.
I wish you both well.
These kinds of posts turn up from time to time. For some reason Japanese parents react to burn-out with doubling down in study, making things worse and worse. Your student is probably just hitting her limit and struggling to continue on.
If you’re happy to just keep being a safe space for the student and you don’t get in trouble, that’s ok. But honestly when this happened to me (different circumstances) and I had a student who was falling behind from overwork, and her parents just kept piling on more study, and the student was crying from stress, I tapped out and refused to take her as a student until the parents reduced her workload. They didn’t, found another teacher who didn’t give a fuck, and last I heard the girl made an attempt on her life.
Glad I refused to take her anymore. Poor thing.
Glad you got some good advice. No pressure on her, give some space. It would be best to not try and force her to feel any certain way. I think, for me, I would want to know that it was okay to be burned out, or upset, and that someone didn’t think less of me because of my test scores.
Maybe talk about a time youve felt burnt out and cried. Let her know that crying from stress is okay. Try to relate to her in that sense.
sounds awful for her. 8pm on a Friday, poor girl is probably exhausted from it all.
Not gonna read the comments because toxicity is often high. People will say, ‘you’re the English teacher, no more no less’ and that fucking boils me. You could very well be the thing that stops the last straw from breaking. Your duty at work may be as a teacher, but your duty should be to the good and betterment of people whenever necessary.
If I put myself in the shoes of someone obviously in distress, it’s obvious what I should do. That’s what I believe.
Just knowing what I know of Japanese high school cycles, it seems likely that this is related to studying burnout, but it doesn’t have to be. Not that you shouldn’t be there for her regardless – I think it is excellent of you to try to do so. Just I think it may be useful to keep in mind that this could be due to other stuff.
It seems to me that a good approach might be to make her feel especially listened to. You sound like you would be very good at that. If talking about stuff outside of the Eiken is good for her, you can totally do that. If she wants to stay on topic, maybe this is a good time to discuss meta-cognitive skills and studying strategies. What actually is the goal *she* wants? How is she pursuing it? I find that the Japanese education system tends to train students to value totally inefficient learning approaches so that any time students fail to learn, the failure can be blamed on them just not trying hard enough. So students try to “brute force” a lot of knowledge into their brains because that is a more outward performance of studying than doing things that are more like active learning. Studying long enough to deprive yourself of sleep and calories in order to show you are doing your best is a perfect example of performative self-sabotage. Though maybe you want to ease her toward that realization on her own instead of directly telling her.
Good luck, and thank you for giving a damn.
Had this happen numerous times.
It is what it is. Parents are putting way too much pressure on the kids.
Whilst the first reaction is to help, there’s only so much a person can do. Parents never listened to me when I raised concerns anyways so now, I just don’t say anything.
Now when it happens (not often but it does) I pretend that I’m doing class but really I’m just messing about so the kid(s)can have a break.
I’m very very very very against ANY type of homework or after school study programs. Every year I meet with my kids teacher and explain that I forbid homework. My daughter is in high school and the school would not go along with my plan so I went to the main school district office and after that I had no problem. My son actually wants to do his homework because he doesn’t want to be different than the other kids. All of this stress on kids just boils my blood.
I had a similar girl (an elite ice skater who has since represented Japan in international events). I thought she hated my guts as she had 1-on-1’s with me and hardly ever spoke. Instead she just kinda sat there and gave the occasional 1 word answer.
After ~3 years of this she finally opened up and became fluent in English. It was a big moment as I thought she hated me, but in reality she had been actively asking her parents if she could continue to attend my classes (and enjoyed them).
End of the day parents are looking after their kids by giving them access to co-curricular activities. Crying during a few at the start is far less stress than flunking school. You dunno what’s going on at home with them and you’re not their parents. Let them do the figuring IMO…
She might be depressed. When you are depressed you have little energy and it is taken up by mundane tasks like showering, getting dressed and so on. This is why people talk about spoons. You have only a certain number of spoons each day and you use them up. If that is the case asking her to go to the conbini might be like asking her to go to the moon. You can try having food/snacks around for her. Sometimes if the food is right there in front of you and you do not have to prepare/buy it you can eat.
As an Eiken online tutor I would 100 percent talk to my boss and have him give her parents a come to Jesus talk. If she is too tired/sad/stressed to learn she needs to take a few weeks off at home to rest minimum. Eiken is still gonna be there later.
You are a kind person.
You could offer to help her work through her English coursework, maybe make that mountain a little smaller.
It’s hard to know why she is/was so upset, huge argument at home over grades? Got her phone confiscated? Or her parents are evil/physically abusive?
Either way you did the right thing by supporting her. Hopefully it’s just a trivial teenage thing, not life threatening.