Argued over and over again with my wife to a point where it’s not worth it anymore. We’re married with no kids. I want to go back to my own country, but discussing this with her is impossible, because rather than thinking about whats best for us as individuals, she thinks only about the social status of someone who gets divorced in Japan. All she does is care about what acquaintances will think and just won’t let me leave. I won’t go into it, but we fell out of love post-marriage and she now wants to steer us in the direction of being loveless parents here purely out of being controlled by the thoughts of others.
I want to pack my bags and just go back to England, because doing anything other than that feels impossible. I’ve tried over and over again to do the right thing, but now I have to tear myself away.
How screwed am I if I just pack my bags and go? I don’t have any PR and am only on a 1 year spouse visa. Can I continue to file a divorce overseas through the post, or would I need to come back to Japan just to be there in person at a later date? I’d rather just leave and sort the rest of it out through pen and paper later. The only ties I have to this country are being married to a national, that’s it. No kids or anything.
I know they’ll be posts about the hub etc on here and this type of post comes up a lot, but I’m hoping that there’s someone who can help me, because my life in Japan is ending but it feels that there’s no way to break out of it.
33 comments
If she won’t sign the papers then you’ll have to go to court in Japan for a contested divorce, moving away before doing that means you’ll still be married to her, be aware that a contested divorce could take months of court proceedings for it to be finalized
Calm down and go consult a lawyer.
Ya know I’ve heard so many stories of people just stealing a hanko
Personally I have a paper in place to prevent that since it seems pretty common.
Seriously though you type like you in a manic episode. Maybe you should calm your tits and tell her you aren’t ready for kids?
I would always advise making sure you tie up loose ends before leaving. Make the divorce here then move back so theres no problem in the future if you re marry.
Since you are not a Japanese national your married status in Japan has nothing to do with anything as long as you are not planning to come back and get married in Japan again.
After going back to UK, as long as you will be recognized by your country that you are divorced, you’re good to go and go marry round anywhere except Japan.
You’re not screwed if you pack up and go. I would cancel stuff that’s it’s your name tho.
As other said tho, consult a lawyer.
Well, first of all, for your mental health, if you gotta go, you gotta go. So go!
That said, if you have the time and will to try to take care of things first, move yourself into a small 1K or guesthouse. Leave her. Inform work and immigration that you have moved. Contact an attorney and file for divorce. If she fights, she fights, but as no kids, you can indeed, just leave the country. At some point, you can file for divorce as you have not lived together in a certain amount of time.
You will still be married if you leave. Consult a few lawyers, explain the situation. They will provide you the best course of action. But if she’s refusing to sign, this will not be a short process.
You can end up owing her A LOT of money. She can(and sounds like she will) come after you and will win because one of the divorce stipulations is “abandonment. There are financial consequences for “abandoning” your spouse in Japan.
You need to talk to a lawyer and at least hear some options. After that, decide what to do.
[Unilateral Divorce and Consolation Money](https://englishlawyersjapan.com/what-is-consolation-money-in-a-divorce/)
It’s my understanding that in addition to her signature (hanko) on the divorce papers, you also need 2 “witnesses” to also sign (hanko) the paper(?).
Did she change her family name to yours? If so, she will have to go to family court to revert her name back to her maiden name.
You agreed to get married then you have to realise this is a contract you can’t just run away from. You technically could just leave and would be fine for a while but eventually this will 100% come back to bite you and you will owe her a LOT of money. It’ll also be weird being married in the UK knowing you’re legally married in Japan still.
Why not try living separately first? Get a cheap apartment (or even a sharehouse temporarily) in order to fulfil your urge to “flee”. From there you’ll have space to think and proceed with the divorce
**Leaving Japan:** If you are on a valid visa, you should be able to leave without issue. The problem arises if you ever want to return to Japan; you may face legal or visa complications.
**Divorce:** The process for getting divorced internationally can be complex. If you leave Japan without securing a divorce, your wife may have grounds to claim abandonment. This could complicate divorce proceedings and potentially even affect your ability to get divorced in England.
**Divorce in England:** If you decide to file for divorce in England, Japanese law may still apply, depending on certain circumstances. It would be wise to consult with a lawyer familiar with international divorce law before making any decisions.
**Divorce in Japan:** If you decide to file for divorce in Japan, there are various methods. One of the simplest ways for international couples is through mutual agreement (Kyogi Rikon), but both parties must agree. If your wife does not agree, you might need to seek a court-mediated divorce or a judicial divorce. Both these methods can be lengthy and might require your presence in Japan.
If you do leave without notice, there may be complications in the future, especially if you ever want to return to Japan, renew visas, or if any legal actions are taken against you.
Before making any decisions, it would be wise to consult with a lawyer familiar with Japanese family law and international divorce law. They can guide you through the process and provide you with the best steps to take.
Just leave. If your wife is opposed to it you probably have a better chance of getting a divorce in England. Do you want to be dependent on someone you are trying to divorce for renewal of a residence visa just so you can stick around long enough to divorce her?
Write a divorce application, pack your stuff and leave the the sheet on the table, at some point im sure she will sign it at some point when dust settle.
It has been ~~1~~ 0 days since the last divorce post
First of all, for legal advice, please contact a lawyer (either in Japan or England). No one here seems to be qualified to advise you (and even if they were, you would not know it from the suggestions so far).
But I think that along with legal advice, you are seeking some emotional support to help with the difficult choices you will need to make. I’m not sure how much this will help you, but here’s some from someone with some experience in these things. 1) Running away to England without a clear plan will probably complicate things, and; 2) Do not confuse “doing the right thing” with allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated into thinking that “societal pressures” are more important than a healthy marriage. This “what will people say” kind of thinking is not unique to Japan. It’s ridiculously common in the USA.
Since you are in Japan, you can file for divorce here in Japan. You are well within your rights, especially if the marriage was for legitimate reasons (in other words, not seeming like it was for a Work Visa).
She might not sign the papers, but at least the first step is in place. You will need to complete a divorce in one country before you can declare the divorce in the other country. Check with a lawyer in England to find out about the possibility of filing for divorce when one party is unwilling.
You mentioned that you are on a 1-year spouse visa. These are things to remember and then discuss with A QUALIFIED ADVISOR while preparing for divorce from a Japanese National:
How soon is your renewal extension date? Is your wife your guarantor?
(plus the usual details of how long you have been married, the circumstances under which you were married, etc. Once again, it’s better to discuss these details with an advisor, and not freely post them on the Internet..)
Finally, please don’t let the horror stories on reddit convince you that you are screwed. Basically, no one ever posts the details of a non-dramatic, non-confrontational divorce, so keep an even mind so that you can think clearly.
Good luck, and seriously, please reach out to someone to talk to if you need that.
She’s almost certainly already gone to the ward office and submitted the paperwork to prevent a one party divorce, but if she hasn’t…
Shit I’ve been divorced 3 times and most of my Japanese friends are divorced or on the rocks. Your wife lives in a fantasy world (but you know that) if she thinks divorce has any stigmatizing effect. In 2023 it’s better to just date long term and not get married anyway.
It’s more likely that she just can’t face her parents who probably *would* disapprove.
But what’s her employment/career situation? It may simply be that she had her heart set on being taken care of as a stay at home mom and doesn’t want to let go of the idea?
But yeah, get a lawyer. Preferably one who can operate internationally (they do exist) or at least liaison with your lawyer in the UK so you don’t have to stick around for years waiting for the divorce to go through.
Go to a lawyer but try to talk to her about it one more time but not to convince her if you know she won’t. Record the conversations secretly.
Well, if you really just want to go, then do that. You can always sort everything out later. OR your wife might follow you back home if you think thats something you might want. If not then you could file for divorce later. But yes, as others said, consult a lawyer first.
I knew someone in your exact situation who simply went back home to England and forgot about it. His Japanese wife refused to cooperate or sign papers, etc, he couldn’t be fucked to deal with it so he just went home. I think he re-married now too, without first divorcing his Japanese wife, which is technically illegal. The UK gov’t doesn’t have visibility/knowledge of your marriage in Japan unless you specifically go to an embassy to tell them.
Just curious, what would be the downside of not getting divorced and just move on separately?
LOL that’s exactly how my ex reacted. Wasn’t allowed to tell anyone we were divorced. I did though because fuck her. Stupid violent crazy woman.
just leave there will be no consequence , as long as you never re-enter Japan
Just leave and say fuck it. It sounds like you need out for your mental health.
Don’t be a nonce mate, if you get her up the duff and you two do not fit together, you will create a toxic family environment for your children. Lawyer up lad and get the fuck out of dodge.
Perhaps don’t marry someone based on lust? Or, take it seriously like most people don’t these days and work it out. People give up way too easily.
It’s not North Korea, dog. You can bounce any time you want…unless she’s holding your passport and won’t return it, at which time you go to your embassy and claim you’re being trafficked LOL.
But seriously, the lawyer angle these people are spouting is bullshit. A Japanese lawyer won’t know shit about how it will work on the other side of the world. The “abandonment” thing is bullshit, too. That has to do with sticking her with a bunch of debt and disappearing. If there’s nothing, there’s nothing preventing you from getting an exit/re-entry visa and just leaving. Without the visa, they may hold you at the airport until they determine you’re not fleeing the cops. Also, as long as you’re actively pursuing the D, there’s no abandonment. There’s nothing saying you must stay in Japan while divorcing.
Hell, just go to immigration and tell them you hate her and want out, and that it was all a put on. They may deport you or decline to renew your visa for the following year to stay while trying to get divorced…
If the UK is anything like the US, you can start divorce proceedings there. At a minimum, you can get legally divorced in your home country.
Divorce is super easy in Japan (procedure wise) IF both parties agree to it. All you need to do is hop ocerto city hall and fill out some forms.
If you can’t get her to agree, on the other hand, it becomes insanely hard. Theonly way to do it is by hiring a lawyer and going to Court. That’ll coat money and take loads oftime. Plus its not guaranteed that the Court will grant you the divorce. The Civil Code only allows it (in cases where one party refuses) in certain situations like if she cheated on you, was abusive, has been lost at sea for three years, etc. “Not in love anymore” unfortunately isn’t on the list.
Unfortunately if you can’t get her to go along with it, its going to be hard, no way around that.
Do not have makeup sex. You probably already thought of this, but if she’s interested in having kids, do not have makeup sex with her.
Do it, this was a great pilot and now I can’t wait for episode two.
Which HUB did you meet your mrs at?
Just leave.
If you got married in Japan it does even count as a legal marriage in England.
It’s not like she’s going to hunt you down and drag you back.
You’ll be better for it. Go…now.