Feeling Not at Home in Tokyo After Almost 3 Years

36 comments

1. Took me 5 years or so, ganbatte.

2. It took me about five years to adjust to living in Japan between the language and cultural differences. Fortunately, my Japanese partner has always been here to help me navigate through the intricacies of life in Japan. I also joined a local temple shortly after I started living here and the monks and members there have also always been very helpful and supportive.

   Based on my own experiences, if you can communicate effectively in Japanese, follow the cultural norms, and get involved in the local community so that you can make Japanese friends and allies, you can have an enjoyable life here.

3. Ok. stay with me on this. Have you tried strong zeros and not living in tokyo.

4. I think part of it is to accept that you will forever be a foreigner here and embrace your foreignness

   the intangible barrier will become thinner but it will forever be there, especially if you are visibly foreign

5. A couple of things that have served me:

   * Don’t try too hard, it’s a marathon not a sprint
   * Keep a sense of humor
   * Try not to take things personally
   * Keep an open mind

6. 3 years? Try 30 young padawan. Japan is designed for you and foreigners in general to not feel at home here in perpetuity. But who cares? Just enjoy everything living here has to offer and make the best of it.

7. Japan is not for everyone. I don’t feel like I belong either (will be leaving at some point). It’s totally fine to feel this way. Just find a place where you feel happy 🙂

8. Yup, even after 25 years in Japan it still doesnt really feel like home. Just one very long camping trip.. the camping sized stove, fridge etc helps

9. I have been here almost 3 years now. For me adjusting was easy due to having done the expat gig for over a decade in different countries.

   Does it feel like home? Yes.

   I always weigh the positives vs the negatives and decide from there. I went back home recently and a few days in, I realized why I left. The polarizing politics, rampant open drug use in the streets I once felt really safe growing up (I even found needles strewn across next to a secondary school fence in my suburban neighborhood), the appalling number of people with clear mental and drug issues and the *shouganai* approach by officials regarding that, their subsequent lackadaisical approach to crime. The dwindling lack of access to healthcare, despite being often lauded for having the best healthcare coverage compared to our our southern cousins. I could go on and the sentiments seems to echo with my fellow citizens I meet here and elsewhere.

   Personally, I would rather be here and deal with the bureaucracy of certain aspects of how things are done here.

   `One aspect that consistently throws me off is how things here can be, at times, unnecessarily complicated.`

   This is one of my major pet peeves about being here, often I even make suggestions and ask if it makes sense and officials will admit it’s a better approach, but reluctantly shrug it off as “we’ve always done it this way, why change it when it works”. Also my partner will defend every aspect of blatant Japanese bad behavior with an excuse to justify it. However, those are tradeoffs than having to deal with the social decline back home.

   On the upside, I feel very safe here, so much it worries my usual sixth sense approach having lived in some high crime cites in South East Asia and South America. I appreciate that every time I leave a place at 2 a.m. and can walk without a care because nobody bothers me despite obviously sticking out.

10. Speaking as someone who made the jump from Germany to Japan (without a detour through the UK!), I would’ve expected you to feel right at home with all the bureaucracy and everything. It’s like going to the “Amt” back home… but at least the people over here are friendly.

    Ultimately, what will make or break your “Japan experience” is down to the social connections you can make. I find that relationships are probably more difficult to maintain in Japan than anywhere else I’ve been to. Having any way to “automate” that maintenance – be it by joining clubs, at work or similar – is going to make your life easier.

11. The research part can be maddening, I understand, I remember lamenting that there’s some book all the Japanese yochien moms got that I didn’t because there were just so many things I was told, and I asked and asked about, and then it would be done differently by all the other moms, and I would be frustrated.

    I really just leaned into the script. Because of the rigidity of everything, you know what to expect. So you don’t have to put the mental effort into the banal parts of it, you just go with the script. Then you just figure out how to wiggle the script when you’re not getting what you need. There’s no point in arguing or being frustrated with the bottom man, just get through it and move up the chain. Lean into the foreignness, drop statements like “I’m certain we can figure this out; you guys are always so amazing to help, that’s why I love coming here, you always find such great solutions…”

12. I’ve been here ten years and with regards to your topic it’s always been phases. The first year was all fun and wtf?! Then the next two years were rough, followed by a renewed enjoyment of being here and so on.

    I’m going through a rough patch again now, mainly because I’ve got a two year old and it’s too hot to go outside most of the time so I’ve got cabin fever, which boils over into homesickness from time to time. It’s been quite lonely in general since we had the kid and especially the last few months. However, this will change again I think, because things always do.

    Part of the problem at the moment is lack of friends. Loads of them left over the last few years and my social life has been very inactive lately. The social life does alot to make me feel settled like I’m not just grinding through, so I’m going to put a bit of work into reviving that (again) in the rest of the year.

13. You’re realizing that what you left in Germany was more than a place, it was a set of cultural practices, largely unspoken, that you now miss. They’ll never be found here, I’m afraid, and if blood is thicker than water, it’s thicker than good intentions, ganbare, and gaman too. So as others said, you either make peace with being an eternal foreigner or make plans to eventually return I think.

    Oh and I totally relate to the research required for every little thing. It’s exhausting!

14. Germany and the UK are different countries, but they share many similarities. Even their languages are both Germanic. Japan, on the other hand, is quite different from both your home country and the UK, which is why you don’t feel it’s like home.

15. When I left Tokyo after 12 years I didn’t have 1 Japanese friend left. Everyone is on borrowed time to make a success out of their efforts before they get too old. Then they have concomitant issues like getting a partner and establishing a home. Tokyo people don’t even have time to start a family or visit relatives more than once every 6 months. If you’re single, you can establish a presence in a particular bar or pub as a regular because basically every social activity involves drinking but otherwise Tokyo is a machine not really designed for families.

16. Could always try getting a dog.

    It’s nice always having a pal around that treats you like one of the pack. Just don’t put clothes on it in the summer or other foreigners might run you out of town.

17. I am from Shanghai and been here for 12 years. Like you in London, Tokyo became more like home to me. But I dont think this will happen if I went to London for 3 years or longer。

18. I initially got to know Japan via Osaka. You can’t imagine how shocked I was when I visited Tokyo after 20 years of mostly knowing Osaka. The difference is huge! People in Tokyo definitely keep their distance, and looking at their facial expressions while using public transport tells me enough to know, that they are not really happy. Osaka is very different in that regard.

    Just need to find a job there… running out of runway after 4 years living in Tokyo.

19. Some food for thought: there are a lot more similarities between Germany and the UK than there are between Germany and Japan. Of course you would feel at home faster in the UK than in Japan! You were also in the UK for much longer than you’ve been in Japan. It’s easy to accidently compare year 10 in the UK to year 3 in Japan. Given the afformentioned culture gap, year 3 in Japan might be more akin to month 4 in the UK. That’s normal.

    Language is something else to consider. You’re clearly fluent in English, but how’s your Japanese? Of course you’d feel more at home in the UK, where you speak the local language fluently, than Japan where you don’t.

    My advice would be to cut yourself some slack, recognize your feelings are normal, and maybe work on your Japanese some more

20. I would strongly recommend moving out of Tokyo, as soon as you’re able to. I understand that you said that’s not really being considered right now, but definitely give it some thought longer-term.

    There’s so much more Japan to see, so many more places to live and so many different people you can meet. You miss out on all of that if you confine yourself to Tokyo.

    The “barrier” you speak of is absolutely a thing. Japanese people experience it too. And while I’m not trying to say that people in Tokyo are all universally “stiff and formal”, you’ll definitely find the laid-back vibe you’re yearning for if you can just move away from there.

    I lived in Tokyo for 2 years, and had lived in Nagoya, Nagano and Chiba previously. After 1 I was desperate to get out – moving to Shizuoka prefecture was one of the best things I’ve done in the last 5 years. I’d love to move back to Nagano eventually.

    Really, truly evaluate whether moving out of Tokyo is an option. The best time to move out was probably before you had a kid, but the second best is now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be to go.

21. Maybe this is because I live outside of Tokyo but I really love my neighbors. They’re all pretty old but they always talk to my hubby and I. Currently pregnant and they are so warm and nice and always tell me not to hold back if I need their help. They also talk to hubby and I when we do our gardening, or even when we’re walking down the road. And when I had surgery a couple of years ago, they noticed that I wasn’t leaving the house so they asked my husband if I was alright. Even the cashier at our local 7-11 asked if I was ok.

    We live in Saitama, pretty far from the train station, and interact with a lot of families on our little road. It’s nice. Of course we have our foreign bubble as well, but we also try to talk to our neighbors and it’s been nice so far.

    When I lived in Tokyo, my neighbors all felt as transient as I was. They were just there for work or school so it was harder for me to make deep connections.

22. Even Japanese people from Inaka oftentimes feel isolated in Tokyo

23. Try Osaka? I felt at home there after like just 3 months lol. People in my local neighborhood would speak fast fluent Osaka-ben as if I were a local despite me being a 194 cm American dude.

    Or Japan could just not be for you.

24. I personally never felt that way when I lived in Tokyo, but it was hard on me because there was no on/off switch. I worked in the heart of Shibuya just to go back on another third of the Yamanote (Bukuro) and that wore on me. Maybe try somewhere ancillary, like Yokohama, Urayasu, Narimasu.

    I moved out to Kanagawa and man, it fits so much better. The vibes, the people, the air, all that is slower paced. That really may just be the key. And although I no longer work in Shibuya, when I still did it was an hour away by train. Same as when I lived in Tokyo. So you can definitely still have your fun in the city and all of its perks but actually live outside of the influence of the Tokyo sphere.

25. Join a club, school, group, community activity, etc. You will meet people, talk to them about their lives, build up your relationship slowly, then invite them for lunch or drink and do this regularly. It just takes time, nothing really difficult about it. Ignore the weirdos and those you can’t get along with.
    I am in a couple of cultural and sports clubs/circles and there is no shortage of activities available. I went to everything at first but then
    it gets to the point where you just have to say no to a few. But that helps build up your connections.

26. The great Tokyo Sabaku.

    I’ve found the Yanesen area to be somewhat of an oasis. Great sense of community here and you can use the tourists as a foil in most conversations to gain access to it.

    Like another commenter said, it’s a marathon not a sprint, but there is a point where the returns start to better reflect the effort you put in.

    Best of luck and don’t beat yourself up over it. If you’ve got direction and momentum in the other parts of your life here, the ‘feeling of belonging’ will more than likely appear alongside them. Eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.

27. Three years is a bit short. I was still feeling all sorts of homesick around Year 6, but then got a new job and focused on that for many years.

    I don’t care that I will never be “Japanese” here, home is what I make it in the end.

    Hell, I still get confused as how to identify myself in general given my upbringing, ethnicity, and being in Japan for so many years.

    You’re doing quite well it seems, friend, ganbatte!

28. The thing about being unnecessarily complicated and deep dives into things that don’t require it… sounds like you may have met my boss lol

29. I’m half Japanese and Japanese passing and lived here for 13 years now originally from the US. Definitely not home yet and maybe even becoming less so.

    That said, when I go back to US home now things have changed so much that I feel I have no home.

    All that being said, my life is great and cant complain.

    I do live outside of Tokyo now which like some have said can be helpful.

30. You are not the only one. After about two years in Osaka that felt more like home than Tokyo does after five years. I probably had poor timing moving here just before corona, but it just doesn’t seem to get any better. Things being unnecessarily complicated is probably more of a Japan thing, but Tokyo is probably peak dystopia. Tokyo has everything, yet it offers nothing. No matter where you go it’s like “do you want the blue pill, or two blue pills?”

31. I hear you. London is one of the few truly cosmopolitan cities and when the novelty of Japan wears off, the atmosphere here cannot stand any comparison to London. Perhaps it is time to go back.

32. Move to Osaka/Kyoto/Nara area.. it doesn’t feel quite as.. tight around the collar.. as they say..

33. This is one of the worst places to write about this because there’s so many people who assume that this happens everywhere which is not true at all. It’s just that many of them are not well traveled and will defend a pen at all costs. I hope you find peace.

34. I personally don’t like Osaka and prefer Tokyo but everyone story is different. I’m maybe have the easy path as my wife is Japanese so her friends and my own give me the taste of normality. Otherwise I’ll probably feel like you. Tokyo is very soulless but somehow could also be a white paper to be written with your personal story

35. That’s because Tokyo is dogshit. Come to the inaka where the strong zero is cold and neighbors invite you to bbqs

36. Yeah I’m not sure I agree with the majority this sub mate, it might be a Tokyo/ big city thing. Here in Fukuoka/ Nagasaki people are chill as fuck. Plenty of beachgoers, a few potheads. Good night life atmosphere.

    Might not even be Tokyo mate, might be the direction and lifestyle choices that has defined this experience for you.

    I bet there are plenty of stiff robots in Fukuoka too, I just never see them because of the lifestyle and culture I’ve made myself a part of, my wife and I are both surfers/ skaters. So naturally, our friend groups and areas that we frequent are super laid back.

    If you don’t like your lifestyle or the people around you, then change it and look for the right people for you.

    Don’t look to leave Tokyo, look to find YOUR Tokyo.