I’ve had abismal luck in love.
I’m a single American mom divorced from a national who is just trying to navigate this whole god forsaken dating scene.
I’ve given up on Japanese love, but the foreign category is somehow equally heartbreaking?! Months into dating and I find out they are married?!
Series of deep texts only to be ultimately ghosted.
Not hideous by any means, but what gives?! Do people just not want a relationship anymore?
I’ve tried meeting people naturally but (bars) are not the safest or best place to meet someone.
28 comments
“just looking at how things go” / “take one day at a time” are starting to become my red flags for casual relationship. Nothing wrong with that, but not what I’m looking for.
I don’t envy any woman dating as a single mum here. I think all(?) the divorced mums I know here do not date. It’s so unbelievably different to England, where people get divorced and remarried even at 50 or 60 years old. Seems rare here sadly
Have you had any luck with divorced men? I suppose it depends how old you are, but the harsh reality is most men here don’t want a serious relationship with divorced women with kids 🙁
Since nobody seems to be responding, here goes my try:
Unfortunately you have three big strikes against you- foreign, divorced, kid(s). This isn’t baseball so it doesn’t mean you’re out, but I’m guessing there might be an unmentioned fourth strike (age) or more. I think the only thing you can realistically do is be very clear about your intentions. If you’re not up for FWB you need to make that very clear, and not do anything until 3+ dates in. If you really want to make sure people aren’t married, maybe share early on that you know about adultery laws and will totally let his wife now if it turns out he is. Just a line in your profile to that effect will likely scare away a lot of guys.
Unfortunately ghosting is just a feature of modern dating life. Most people have numerous candidates on the go, and when one becomes more serious, or they just have too many candidates to deal with at once, somebody gets dropped. If you really like them you can still try to pursue, but it’s going to be tough.
Unfortunately I don’t really have any advice, other than to say that as long as you’re not trying to have more kids, what’s the rush? Why not just take it easy, and if you meet someone soon that’s fine, and if not you can wait until your kid is at least in HS or whatever.
By the way, I’m more interested about why you choose to stay in Japan, and what your daily life looks like being a foreign single mum
Uhm… From all the Japan-related subs I’ve seen, it seems like most ppl are stuck in the apparently very common “loveless (read: *sexless*) relationship” here in Japan; This obviously implies the Japanese people, but also the foreigners who marry a Japanese also often get stuck in them apparently.
So… long post short; It seems relationships in Japan generally don’t pan out long term – And many seem to try to find a “side-thing” to fill in the blank their current relationship is leaving them with.
I have no real advice for you unfortunately…. Keep trying until you find someone good, I guess?
Pretty sure it’s the same everywhere. It’s just as tough for men with the exact same issues only that every woman gets 100x the interest, with the attitudes to match.
Online dating is a cesspit.
I hate to break it to you but the fact you didn’t run into married guys pre marriage dating is just luck. I’m in my 50s and the number of my single friends who’d meet guys only to find out they had a family was staggering. And this was all pre internet dating, the internet means married guy looking for something new doesn’t have to make an excuse to go to the bar he just downloads an app and boom game on.
Additionally a lot of Japanese wives have a policy of as long as it doesn’t follow you home I don’t want to know or care what you’re doing. Since you’re foreign they might be doubly sure you’re not going to disturb the wa when you figure their deception out.
Depends on the app. Stop using Tinder and maybe try the Japanese apps. They cost money only for men and are usually more serious.
From what I read in the various subs I participate in that sounds like the state of dating everywhere in the age of dating apps. The advice I always give in some of the other subs is to get involved in the local community away from bars and dating apps as a way to meet people. I’m not sure how well that advice would work for a foreigner in Japan but there are social and community groups here that provide opportunities to meet people and make friends.
Two sad reasons (and they are connected):
First, many more men than women want something casual. The dating pool for men from their late 20s to early 50s who want something casual is very tiny and with a lot of competitors. So, they lie.
Second, most women who have been burned by a man before, want “a different man”. But the reality is that they all want same type of guy (and I’m not talking about appearance). As you said, deep texts, sensitive, perceptive to their emotions, etc… it’s very easy for a man to behave like that just to get women (“what works for one, works for all”), specially the guys who are already willing to lie about what they are looking for.
Sorry to say, but the kid is a deal breaker for most men. Very few of us want to raise and/or pay for another man’s child. Especially in Japan where there are so many other options available.
My Japanese friend that’s a single mother has an app for daters with children. I don’t remember the name of the app.
To put it bluntly, you’re divorced, likely older, and have a kid. For guys looking to get married for the first time, those are pretty major red flags, no matter where you are, especially the kid part. Guys just don’t typically wanna take care of someone else’s kid. Your likely target market will either be other divorcees with children or guys looking to hook up. Not saying this is impossible but you’re likely gonna struggle.
Ask yourself what it is about these guys that’s causing you to go for them. And then mix it up. Profile too good to be true? Alarm bells. Photo like a model? Probably fake. Married dudes won’t post their real pic. Doesn’t wanna meet up for coffee after a few chats? Probably can’t get away from the wife or else has no intention of it.
There are FAR more single men than women. Many of them are busy living their lives and would be happy to include you in it. Instead of going out trying to find a guy, go out and do things you wanna do. You’ll meet people along the way, and get to know them over time. Nothing is guaranteed, but there’s better odds in that approach than anything else.
First of all I feel for you. It must be hard for any single parent to balance work, life, child and find love.
Also, if a man is attracted to you when out, if you are with a child he probably won’t think that you’re single so it must mean being approached less than pre-marriage.
I do think men face similar challenges when dating. Women date multiple people at the same time, cheat, ghost. And when out with a child, any woman would think he has a partner.
However your headline is basically about guys being liars. I get that someone telling you they are married is lying, but ghosting is not lying. Are there other reasons for choosing that headline?
Most men looking here (foreign or Japanese) prefer young Japanese women. Mature foreign women is going to be much more of a niche thing so you should probably try dating apps that cater to the international market. Also as has been said men are happy to have a quick fling or sex friend relationship with a single mom but very few will consider moving in to help bring up the kid.
Online dating gives you lots of “attention” for low effort, but it’s frustrating because you often end up with “not exactly what I wanted”.
OFF-LINE (real life) socializing is a lot more work up front. A big time and energy investment. You are much less likely to end up in creepy or dangerous situations *if you are dating people who are socially connected to your other friends*. But you also have to behave better. No crazy getting drunk and having sex—since you know the same folks.
You are seen as someone in the remarrying market, not the dating market.
Here are some of my observations from the point of view of an American woman: You might want to look for a divorced man. Unlike in the US, if you are divorced you are “back in the dating pool,” but this society tends to think that never married people are in a different pool than divorcees. At least, this too is slowly changing.
Statistics are grim for the single mom demographic. This demographic has a high rate in unstable non permanent employment, and has a high rate of reliance on social welfare in some areas. In other words some men are suspicious of single moms’ ability to finance their lives. You might have to rethink how you present yourself (put a job title or mention your job early on during dates maybe.)
I think the sympathy and empathy for divorced people are still here. It seems a lot of people assume that dating after divorce tends to lean towards less fun, less romantic and more about life planning, which isn’t bad either. There are definitely quite a bit people out there who remarry, if that’s what you want. Good luck.
I have zero personal experience with this, but from seeing a lot of dating profiles in my time here, did you try looking specifically for men that are also divorced and preferably also have kids? I can imagine that finding single dads would shrink your dating pool tremendously, but how about ones with partial custody? maybe you could have play dates with your kids or something. if you actually met them together with their kids they certainly couldn’t keep that secret to a wife they’re hiding at home.
Something I don’t see anyone touching on here is how the dating apps have really messed the game up. I’ll touch on this a bit since I assume you’re using them to meet guys.
Whereas before, guys would be competing against a couple hundred guys in their vicinity for dates, they’re now competing with pretty much the whole world. This has allowed women to become extremely picky as why settle for Dave the English teacher when I can go on a date with Enrique the model. Most women are then funneled to those (0.1%) elite guys who monopolize 90% of the dating market (numbers out my ass). It’s always interesting when I hang out with friends still in the dating game and they show me their matches. Most of them are at like 0-2 matches every few weeks and a few of them at 20+ matches a day.
So then women date these guys with options and get surprised when they find out they’re being treated as, you guessed it, an option. They then go on Reddit and ask why there aren’t any serious guys and the comments get flooded with 99% of guys who ain’t getting dates saying it’s not true.
Basically what I’m trying to say is it could be more about your selection habits than what’s out there. There’s definitely a lot of decent foreign men out here who are in a similar position as you and looking for a committed relationship.
No, I’m not saying lower your standards and go on a date with that mouth breather who’s wearing pikachu pajamas on his tinder profile, but maybe adjust your expectations and try going with someone you might have overlooked for one reason or another.
Best of luck.
As a 40s divorced guy who s dating a 40 s divorced F both with kids there are ways.
Also met through dating apps.
Been 2-3 months now and see how it goes I guess
Unfortunately, many guys (myself included) will not consider dating a woman that already has children. I also think that divorce is still quite stigmatized in Japan, so that is also working against you. I think you would have the most luck with searching for men that have been divorced themselves. My advice would also be to work on being content alone first. Success in dating is out of our control – it takes two, so you should not plan your happiness around being in a relationship. Try to see it as a bonus, and of course continue putting in the work, but try to be indifferent.
Hey sorry you are going through that. I will tell you the same thing that I told my friend last Monday, after she told me that the guy she slept with had lied and he was actually divorced and with a kid.
**Men will lie to you, they want to get into your pants.**
There is no way around it, and yeah it is shitty. I do not have any advice to give when it comes to figuring out if they are lying or not, it is really hard to tell.
Some of the men you dated may want a relationship, but if they match with someone they are not interested in dating seriously, they will be just as happy sleeping with her.
The other thing is that almost all foreigners I have run into here are trying to date locals, not other foreigners.
Being divorced is a big deal for some men, and it will make their head move you from the “date” to “sex” box. But the biggest thing is that you have a kid, and for single men that have never married or have no kids, this is an instant rejection. They will still want to bang you though.
In my opinion, you have 2 things you can try.
1. Date other single parents
2. Try going to more neutral locations, like conversation cafes or other “free” talk bar/cafes. Most of them are not aimed at dating, but you can at least make friends that may introduce you to someone. I have met some people this way, and they tend to be very nice. Of course this is down to luck, but worth a try.
I think the guys likely to be looking where you’re looking probably won’t be too inclined to be forthright and forthcoming with you. A foreign man in Japan looking for a divorced foreign woman with a kid, who he can date honestly, is probably extremely rare or non-existent here. Your baggage can’t be helped, but you can’t get rid of it either. It’s unfortunate, but from your post, it seems as though men have been putting you in the “fun” category, rather than the “serious dating” category. They don’t see themselves wanting to take you home to meet their folks, for reasons outlined by other posters, so why would they consider you as anything but a chance for fun times?
It’s not fair, and we might wish it wasn’t so, but these seem to be the cards you were dealt.
How might you remedy this? How might you find a good guy?
My suggestion would be to make friends with a lot of older Japanese ladies. You know, the ones who are involved with the community and know a million different people all over. You’ll have amazing friends, learn a lot about life, and help make someone else’s life more interesting. But also, they might be inclined to play matchmaker for you, and help you find a guy who’s been vetted by them and is much more likely to be what you’re looking for.
If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll have a lot of cool friends, who you’ll enjoy seeing, and won’t mind you bringing your kid along from time to time. I’d suggest joining events/classes at your local community center, and wish you the best of luck.
I’m seeing a lot of unsupportive comments here, bless their hearts.
Listen, I am older and was divorced and had a kid in high school when I met my husband.
He was one of those guys who couldn’t get married or didn’t find his match, but had most other ducks in a row, no kids, didn’t want them.
Like you, I also had most of my ducks in a row.
My kid went off to college, he and I married.
It worked out okay.
No matter your age or custody arrangements, if you want someone there’s definitely someone out there for you.
Cast a wider net. Don’t lean exclusively on dating sites or club environments to meet people. Keep yourself in the best physical and emotional condition you can.
He’s out there, be ready for him.
As a remarried 38 yo man I do……… not miss the dating scene in Japan post divorce.
You have to go through like 30 people before meet someone decent.
And I wasn’t even a dude that was just out looking for sex post divorce, and I can almost guarantee you that at least 50% of the girls I went on dates with were married.
You can tell because when you take the time to get to know them on the first date, they are in a rush and try to get the initial questions out of the way quickly and suggest “going someplace else” within the first hour and if you say that you want to stay for a bit longer they get annoyed.
One time I had a date straight up stand up and leave when I said I didn’t want to go anywhere else.
The dating scene is a shit show in Japan. At least Tokyo that is.
I fell in love with a divorced woman with a kid and married her. We’ve been together for 28 years, and we had three more kids together. I was willing to marry her because I loved her as a person, she was quality, and I knew she would appreciate me and we could build a life. Don’t give up. There are a lot of people with bad priorities, but there are also a few with good ones too. You just have to find one.
I’m in a similar boat as you and honestly: I’ve given up. I’m sure there are great guys out there somewhere but I can’t seem to find them.
I think it might have to do with the current dating culture (not just in Japan but in general). People aren’t as interested in a lasting serious connection anymore, they just want to hook up. I’m honestly so sick and tired of it.. and I’m so sick and tired of trying as well..
I think the thing that annoys me the most about the whole thing is that it has never been easier to find someone who just wants a hook-up with no strings attached. Despite that, there are these guys who instead of going after those girls will go after the ones looking for a real connection and more or less try to con them instead and then vanish once they got what they wanted..
Am I bitter? You bet. So for now I have decided to just focus on myself and more or less forget about that wish for a life-partner. Seems like it will never happen anyway. Perhaps I’ll buy a puppy or something instead.
Can only speak for myself but dating someone with kids is a no go. Not because I don’t like kids but I can’t take it if a break up happens. That means I loose two people in my life.
Happened once. Never ever again.