I’ll try to be brief as I’m mentally and physically exhausted and confused.
I’m in a loveless, abusive marriage and having developed crippling depression and anxiety, I couldn’t work for long time (medication didn’t help, so I’m on the CBT route), and have no means of supporting myself financially. I have a PR and am a woman in my early 30s. I have just contacted a DV support site after a rather rough tantrum my husband threw, and am awaiting their reply. We’re ignoring each other for the time being and probably for the time coming.
I will as usual fulfill my duties as a housewife until I can safely get out of here. If we manage to fix things, I will stay but I still need to put myself back in a position where I can make a choice. Atm, I am dependent on him. I have no family and friends are barely supporting themselves..
I figured that a working from situation would be best for me and am busting my ass studying programming languages online. Everything is very nebulous atm but the only goal I have is to somehow get a wfh job to support myself and be able to leave.
I have an MA, speak, read and write rocky business level Japanese and have experience mainly teaching (for a while at university level). My CV is lacking severely at best.
Is this a feasible plan? What languages or fields within IT should I rather focus on to be employable in the future?
I’m sorry if this reads weird, but given the situation I’m in, I hope you understand. Please feel free to ask and I’ll provide additional info.
11 comments
Can you part time at an eikaiwa until you have enough money to get away? Not all eikaiwa are hell holes. Small ones can be pretty chill. You show up, do your classes and go home. You’ll still have time to study your programming stuff.
“If we manage to fix things” is the classic victim blaming themselves mentality. DV? The guy should have his face smashed in. Not you.
With an MA, you should be able to do English classes at universities at least part-time in any larger city. Better pay, chance to get on your feet. Edit: you can also teach English from home on the internet. Kids in China, for example.
1. Secret savings account or hesokuri in the house. Save it in an old tea tin in the kitchen if your husband doesn’t drink tea.
2. Get copies of all important documents & store at a friend’s house. Make sure you can grab the originals in five minutes. You can set up some sort of earthquake go-bag. Probably should have one anyway. Travel shampoo & stuff, flashlight, whistle, Calorie Mate & two bottles of water, plus towel, change of clothing, at least two sets of underwear and socks. Documents and a little cash under the bottom. Enough cash for a hotel room for three days would be perfectly normal in an earthquake bag.
3. Document, document, document. Save any video or audio on the cloud & back up to a thumb drive. Preferably one you can keep at a friend’s place.
Good luck, stay safe. There’s lots more, but the DV people will be better guides.
Contact police and find a domestic violence organization to help you. Reddit isn’t the place for this.
OP, go to Indeed and find some teaching jobs. There are postings there almost all the time; if your timing is good you can get a part time teaching job at Senmongakko or Tandai, or at least, at some eikaiwa. You have PR, MA and experience in teaching at universities, you can even speak Japanese. You don’t know how advantageous you are. I wish you all the best and stay away from DV as soon as possible.
Speaking from experience here, he won’t change so you should plan your exit in a safe manner that also doesn’t leave you financially destitute.
Get a secret savings account and get some money in there. Try and record the abuse if possible as a record. I used voice memos on an Apple Watch. Keep a written diary too, it is still considered evidence. You can email yourself daily if needed the diary entries.
The US consulate website has some resources that are not exclusive to USA citizens.
I would absolutely pick up English teaching work to help beef up the resume and then perhaps look for something at a foreign company, there are many non tech roles that could be a foot in the door.
Are you in Tokyo?
Learning programming is smart, and if you’ve taught in universities before in Japan then that’s great for the resume compared to working for an English preschool etc. You could always just freelance/code websites at first using lancers and other freelance sites.
Thankfully you have PR and still very young. Start saving as much money as you can, and hiding away whatever money you can so that if anything is to happen you can walk straight out the door and hopefully be covered for a couple months.
In IT, web development probably the easiest route and you can get a job by learning less complex things(eg: html,css and little bit of JavaScript).
However, if you really enjoy/love programming then go for IT or if you are just doing for the sake of getting a job then just STOP. Cause in programming you are always solving problems/puzzles, if you don’t have passion you are gonna hate it.
If you’re husband is acting like a freak loser manchild you’re wasting your life hoping he’ll change. First steps is learning to respect yourself and doing what you can to leave
If it’s helpful to have a future ambition in mind, sure, you can get your way to a tech career eventually. But, real talk, it’s going to take a while to get yourself to an employable level if you’re starting from zero, and the tech job market isn’t great right now. The path from “I did some online stuff” to “I have a job” can be long and tenuous.
Use your serious English and teaching background to get yourself independence ASAP. Move out. Stabilize. Then you can start engaging with tech community events, teaching yourself, maybe joining a boot camp, and getting on that path.
But don’t make “get a tech job” a prerequisite to moving out. I strongly recommend using your existing job skills to get out ASAP, and then you can figure out a new techie career. I worry that focusing on tech first could keep you stuck for many many months in your current situation.
Make sure you can’t become pregnant, as this will trap you.
You will want to divorce on your terms, so go to the city hall and hand in a document that states you do not consent to your husband divorcing in your name. I believe it is called 離婚届不受理申出. This will make sure he cannot unilaterally divorce you at the city hall through forging your signature.
Get professional help to figure out how to leave. Do not tell him that you plan to leave him. Just make a plan and leave. Make sure you go to a safe place. Leaving is the most dangerous time for abuse victims.
After you left and start recovering you will learn that a lot of your depression and anxiety was caused by you being in an abusive relationship for years.