What acts of friendship do you find usually aren’t well received? Bonus why?
Some of the things I normally do with friends in the US, my Japanese friends have let me know arent common.
Some examples
Friends with kids = offer to babysit, they say only family does this.
Friends moving = offer to help them move, they just use a moving service.
Eating out together = I try to pay the bill, they tell me 50/50. They say its “wrong” for me to pay.
22 comments
All of the above.
Apart from the babysitting thing I’ve done both of these and they’ve been received fine, guess it depends on how well you know them and what kinda person they are (maybe I just hangout with weird people 😂)
Hugs for greetings/goodbyes.
Main thing for me would be going out in male/female pairs if you’re not dating. In America I would do this all the time with friends and nobody thought anything of it, but in Japan I feel like you have to be a lot more careful or you can send the wrong message.
Also, hugging doesn’t generally go over great. I don’t like hugs anyway so I don’t have a problem with this personally lol.
A couple of months ago we were charging our car at a service area during a road trip. A couple pulled up to the charging stand next to us in a brand new EV and looked totally confused about how to use it. I was about to go over and help them when my husband stopped me and told me never to offer unsolicited help. He said if someone asks for help it’s ok but never offer help that wasn’t asked for.
Anything that might leave one party ‘indebted’ is a big no no, especially all the ones you listed.
Small snacks and what not from a trip are acceptable
I always pay the bill and people seem to just say ごちそうさ
Just yesterday an elderly woman slipped at a café and I rushed to help and asked her if I should lift her at the hips or if it hurts and she was grateful and said to help lift her up. Others came to offer her help too.
Honestly nobody in Japan is going to say anything if you do something out of the ordinary for Japanese. Just be yourself 🙂
I’ll chip in. I was waking down the street in suburban Tohoku and saw two guys carrying a girl who was passed/ drugged out and bleeding from her neck. She looked awful. This was in broad daylight. I went up to them and offered my water bottle I was carrying in case she needed it. They declined and kept going. Immediately after that a random ojisan who saw all of this came up to me and said “thank you thank you”. I think he appreciated that I attempted to step into something rough. So I think there are people out there who want to do good
physical touch. i’ve seen so many people saying goodbye at a train station and they don’t hug. nothing. but maybe it’s just my friends that hug a lot. or me. i’m a hugger.
I was cleaning the snow of the footpath of our house and I did the neighbors footpath as well. She was a little old lady so it just came naturally. The little old lady brought us a bag of bread rolls as thanks and brought them to the door. My partner was MAD about this. That I had gone and made a connection for us コネ, without her permission. Now we would have to include her in the omiyage circle etc. Really, really pissed. The fact that I was doing something kind for another person without expecting anything just made her more crazy.
Public displays of affection. Any. All. Just not done here.
WTF about moving service. I’m a foreigner about to move. Most of my Japanese friends have offered to help, and I’ve accepted for the small shit, but I’m calling a company to move the big stuff. I’m not asking my friends to try lifting shit, hauling in the k-trucks and such for something that pros with tools can do better and faster than they can (and safer generally).
As for bill culture, you’re not friends yet. When you get to be friends it will be a genuine give and take over time, not splitting anymore.
If some dude offered to babysit my kids unprompted I’d be weirded out tbh
Isn’t that because they are your friends that they don’t ask for your help to move? That’s how I see it
Didn’t read all and every of your posts BUT try to ponder the COVID within your thinking
Life has changed since it started, and relation between people, new generation way of living etc.
Not saying it’s related to all every experience just that it may be part of it.
The stranger + the Covid +++
Might just adds up too much for some people.
And older person being less stressed about it
Or given up avoiding it more receptive to help.
I often bake muffins and cookies and stuff for my coworkers, they like it and I get brownie points, I don’t care if it’s unusual or whatever.
As far as helping strangers, when I lived in Kyoto I’d often try to help obviously lost tourists. The foreigners were always thankful, Japanese were always terrified and suspicious. Honestly after a while their shit reactions made me not want to do it anymore.
I’m starting to think westerns looking for Japanese friends are needy as hell.
Holding the door open for people is pointless. They’re just oblivious.
I think this is by prefecture . From my experience Tokyo seems to be one of the least friendly places. Meanwhile osaka is way more chill. Its even friendlier in more remote places like amanohashidate.
Lolz same as most countries the bigger the city the ruder the people.
Giving another man a hug has rendered mixed results for me.
I feel like this applies to all the dumb comments I find on this sub, but: Japanese people aren’t a monolith, and your interactions with random strangers here aren’t representative of an entire culture. Self-reliance is held in high regard obvs, but most can still appreciate the goodwill involved with offering your help.
In bigger cities, people tend to be more wary and cold. This is also true for North America, Europe, etc. When I lived with my dad’s family in rural Hokkaido, I found the locals to be super outgoing (albeit nosy lol) and always offering a hand, bringing food, etc. Really no different from living in rural Canada, at least socially. In Osaka, yeah, no, you’re probably not going to find many people like that, if at all.
Anyway, I don’t care if it’s weird, I still offer to help people because morals are more important to me than seeming “strange” or something lol. There’s just absolutely no way I’m ever going to ignore someone in obvious distress.