Hi there
I’ve been living in Rittō Japan for the past 5 months now and for the most part I love it. There’s just 1 thing I struggle with and that is getting in contact with people.
First of all, the language barrier is non-existent. I passed N2 and I’m pretty fluent in Japanese. I often get into conversations with colleagues or other people in bars and arcades, and whilst there’s lots of small talk, I’m not getting anywhere further than that. No meaningful friendships really sprout here.
I’ve shared tens of business cards or other contact info already, but nobody ever contacts.
Last weekend I tried to get a little closer to my neighbours. I bought some special beer from Beppu, and asked them if they would like to drink one together with me.
The answer was mostly panic (this was unplanned) and an “uhm yeah, uhm I don’t drink alcohol uhm…” so how do you go from there?
I also asked my colleagues at work and they were like “oh I don’t even know my neighbour”.
How do you guys tackle this?
https://www.reddit.com/r/japan/comments/16j4d2v/making_contact/
8 comments
i asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try 69. she said, ” no, i don’t think that’s a problem. ” i asked, ” why not? ” she replied, ” because you’re a fucking battery. “
Japanese people mostly maintain the same friendships they’ve had since school and rarely do they make new friends. Also rarely do they like to hang out 1v1. I’ve heard joining different activity groups through Facebook or meetup works some. Like a group of people that meet to go hiking or play sports or something. Japanese like that sort of group activity.
Quite frankly, this is probably because your colleagues and other associates assume that you’ll be going home soon.
Therefore, there is no point in attempting to build any kind of relationship, because you will be of no use to them in the future.
You can probably alleviate this by getting married, having children, buying a house, being promoted to a management position with actual decision-making authority that isn’t secretly torpedoed by the real managers, etc.
i.e. demonstrate the *appearance* of a lifelong commitment. Your friends want assurance that you’ll still be around decades down the line, in case they need a reference on their ability to tolerate working with the foreigner.
TL;DR: Roots. Like a potted plant.
Is there a chance, even a small chance, that your Japanese communication skills are not as good as you think they are?
I made friends here by joining a local temple and getting involved there. It’s difficult to make friends just by going up to people randomly. It’s better if you get involved in the community either by participating in a club or organization or by joining a temple or maybe a gym or a sports club, like a running club if you’re into running.
I drink alcohol, so you’re always welcome!
However, in Japan, people rarely eat together just because they are neighbors. If you are a work colleague or a childhood friend, you will likely eat and play together to some extent.
A common way to interact with neighbors is to drop off gifts to greet them when they move in. Sweets, detergent, and towels are mainly selected. If you greet your neighbors cheerfully when you meet them, your interactions will gradually deepen.
Japanese people tend to be introverted and closed off, so it might be a good idea to gradually close the emotional distance with them.
5 months isn’t long. Proper friendships can take years to establish – especially as you get older and your time becomes more scarce with work/family.
Japan is not the place to meet people.