Staying with a host family next month. How can I improve my sense of tatemae/honne?

I’m staying with a host family starting this October, and I’m kind of anxious to fit in/avoid causing unnecessary misunderstandings. The homestay organization gave me a handbook and I’m totally down with all the things it said like cleaning up after myself, letting them know if I won’t be home for dinner, etc.

The only thing I’m worried about is getting what’s unsaid. So if they offer to do something for me, should I say “Hontou ni ii desu ka” to make sure they really want to do it and it’s not just tatemae? Or like, if they ask me what I want to do over the weekend, should I ask what they want to do over the weekend?

4 comments
  1. This is a copy of your post for archive/search purposes.

    **Staying with a host family next month. How can I improve my sense of tatemae/honne?**

    I’m staying with a host family starting this October, and I’m kind of anxious to fit in/avoid causing unnecessary misunderstandings. The homestay organization gave me a handbook and I’m totally down with all the things it said like cleaning up after myself, letting them know if I won’t be home for dinner, etc.

    The only thing I’m worried about is getting what’s unsaid. So if they offer to do something for me, should I say “Hontou ni ii desu ka” to make sure they really want to do it and it’s not just tatemae? Or like, if they ask me what I want to do over the weekend, should I ask what they want to do over the weekend?

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  2. Don’t overthink it too much. A family signing up to host an international student probably wants to show you around etc. It’s what they signed up for. If they offer to do stuff, just be polite and accept it for the most part.

    If you’re really self-conscious about being the one to decide on plans or something, just ask them for recommendations since they’re locals and you’re new to the area.

    Just have a good time!

  3. In short, host families do not care about your behavior if you act rudely since you stay here only for a short term, and they don’t expect too much of you.

    They usually avoid unclear expressions and explanations.

  4. As someone who has had multiple host families in Japan when I was an exchange student, they are not expecting you to know anything about Japanese culture whatsoever. Just go into it with an open mind and be willing to share your culture and spend your time with them as much as possible. If you’re just a decent and polite human being you’ll do just fine.

    Depends on how old you are, but these questions can help to iron out some misunderstandings right from the start: http://fnq.yeoresources.org/Pages/FirstNightQuestions.html just select your language and then japanese.

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