I’d been living and working here in Japan for total of more than 10 years now. I was in a relationship (same nationality as me) at the beginning and work was going well. I tried so hard to fit in which as long term residents know is futile.
Five years later the honey moon phase wears off. Feeling lost I went back home to my home country thinking maybe Japan is not for me. Turns out, I dont quite fit in my home country anymore too because Japan has rubbed off me.
A year after that, I got a job offer from a known company here in Japan and so I went back here. I thought, well maybe this is my place in the world. And I’d been here since then.
In the midst of all these, I broke up with my previous boyfriend (same nationality), had another onr (japanese guy) and broke up with him too, and now am single (at first I thought I wanted to work on myself first but I started to get comfortable with being alone).
So now I live alone. Single. No family here in Japan. Has friends but do not really gets in touch much aside from the occassional – “hi, how are you? fine. good.” My work was basically my life before – I was very motivated cause I want to help with my family back home but I got tired of it and realized that it’s not my obligation. Now my work is not doing well and I dont have any fall back.
They say that I have to nurture other parts of my life too so that if one aspect is not doing well (ex. work), then the other aspects (ex. home, family or hobbies) can make up for it. I tried but its difficult. I dont have (real/deep) friends and family here. It’s difficult to build connection here in Japan, everyone is busy. I hate to be めんどくさい. I tried dating apps but quickly loses interest and havent really got the motivation to invest time and effort on weeding out potential dates.
What should I do? I feel so lonely. I feel so alone. I want to talk to someone at least but there’s nobody.. I dont want to go to work. I’m sooo lost.
— Update —
Thank you very much to everyone who has responded very kindly and offer friendships too. I hope to find time to respond to each of you, for now allow me to extend my appreciation here. 🙇♀️
39 comments
Sounds like you need to take some time to focus on yourself and develop your hobbies. If you don’t have any hobbies, try new things until you find something you like. Also consider therapy
Plenty of people have been through the same or similar. Let me know the general area where you live, and I’ll try and see what might be to your liking near where you are. (I found when I start to feel that way that I know it is time to get out and about even when I don’t feel like it.) We’ll just generate some ideas—brainstorm—as it were.
Have you thought about getting professional help too? I have been in your shoes and I believe that once you are happy and content with yourself, you automatically attract people, see opportunities and joy in life (it’s cliché, but true).
I know people are going to tell you to get out, work on yourself and develop hobbies, but I also know from experience it can be very difficult to motivate yourself to do so.
My advice is to start very small. I started making a list of all the things I wanted to improve in my life, then picked the smallest thing. Turns out it was drinking less coffee. So, I drank one less cup a day, then after a while, one less. Eventually it became comfortable and then I worked on the next thing. Achieving these things has really motivated me to try even harder on other things.
Now I’ve created a list, where everything I do everyday to improve or help myself is worth points. I can reward myself with stuff once I get enough points. It feels great!
Just remember it’s a slow process, so have patience 🙂
What are your hobbies ? Maybe start trying new things in hopes you will find something you really enjoy. You can also meet new people there as well!
Are you near Nagoya? We can have some Coffee. No dating since I am married. Just socialising (im male)
I can also introduce you to some sports. I always enjoy working with people !
Find a new hobby -> attend meetup/circle for that hobby -> you may or may not make friends (kinda harder than it seems tbh) but at least you’ll have some amount of social interaction at the event itself
i got a dog, got on anti depressants, and went to therapy
Are you in Tokyo? Send me a dm, let’s go on a hike or a walk in a park just to get your head out of that space. I know exactly what you’re talking about because I live here, and have had some successes battling the thing you’re going through, although I’m still in it most days.
I started solo traveling other countries. I’m from PHilippines too (aside from US). And trust me, those backpacking is fun. Beach and cayoneering etc. you meet other people there
> I dont want to go to work.
ah, the Sunday night existential dread. I used to suffer from this chronically when I lived on my own, regularly awake until 4 or even 5 am on Monday.. It only really subsided once I was at a very different point in my life. I should have found someone to talk to about it.
What I can say is, (whilst not assigning you to a life a solitude!) based on my friends that are single and older than you appear. Such dread goes away and a mix of contentment and appreciation replaces it. They leverage their situation in varied ways such as; work remotely from another country for months at a time. taking lots of small foreign vacations. they remain open to relationships but are not occupied by the search as it were..
I think part of the dread is, “so this is it. I do this then retire/expire” which is silly really. because obviously you have decades for opportunities to present themselves to you. There isn’t a rush..
If I could offer some advice, make sure your routines are in order and praise yourself as you complete them. , cleaning house, exercise, saving for retirement, whatever. And set a plan further out. Maybe a trip back home. Having something fixed in the future will detract from the Sunday night feelings. maybe prepare something that will be delicious on Monday evening or stop in some place on the way home. This might take the edge off mondays for a while.. also, if you aren’t already or summer was too hot, get out on the weekends. I was down near Enoshima yesterday and there were a number of single day-trippers living their best lives.
but I don’t know anything to be honest. And I won’t wish you luck. Because I don’t think you need any. But maybe speak to someone about your job in case you are really not suited for it.
If you are in the kanto area, feel free to DM me if you are looking for friends.
If you’re in Tokyo, I’m also a F looking for friends!
I could use an extra friend in Tochigi, so if you are nearby feel free to DM
Cliche advice but try joining a club? I’ve done yoga, hula dance, taiko drumming, a movie club, a kimono club, a volunteer Japanese class… not all of them have panned out into a group of people I want to hang out with, but I’ve made plenty of friends over the years – maybe not always extremely close, but people I can ask to go to places with me or to go hang out at a cafe with. Anyway, if you’re looking specifically for a date I’m not so sure as I’m personally busy enough with various different friend groups I feel like I barely have time to date 😂. But I’m certainly not lonely then.
Your situation is more common than you probably realize. Japan is loaded with people who feel the same way as you do. Friendships are based on common interests, you’re not going to find friends who lack some type of commonality. I’ve made plenty of friends online and finally meet in person. Social networking makes this possible. I made a friend on another continent through Tripadvisor forums. It happened serendipitously as I was not looking for friends, we just had similar knowledge and interests. Eventually we had a chance to meet in person and have been friends since that time. We meet once or twice a year whenever we happen to be in country with the other.
I just bought an expensive new camera, wanna go take some pictures? I wanna take pics but it feels lonely going by myself lol
I’m in Osaka if you need a friend!
I would say, probably start some hobbies, try some meet ups, group classes at the gym or a sport or something. 🙏🏽
There are many wonderful suggestions in this thread, as well as many delightful individuals who have offered friendship 🥺🤍
So OP, If you considered all these options and STILL it does not feel right and turns out to not be a solution to how you feel- please do consider venturing into understanding your mental and emotional health. Whether that be professional help or solo introspection, I do suggest you dive inwardly.
It is possible that over the many years, you may have developed some spectrum of depression- and this leads to the thought of nothing seems to be a good enough fix or option.
It weighs you down, rendering you unable to accept the many hands of advice and help given to you.
When we have an understanding of our own form of depression, it is occasionally slightly easier to ignore that dreadful little voice of ‘it won’t help’ and instead actually trying your hand at a solution.
Baby steps my dear. One step at a time.
Don’t keep your sights solely fixed on the goal, it can get so much harder to keep motivated when it feels so far away. Just one step at a time.
Small wins 👍🏻
im F, in Tokyo. let me know if u wanna hang out. im also battling the same thing.
1. Go outside, walk, run, cycle, etc. Just get outside. Helps with getting the ball rolling. Weather is pleasant right now.
2. Call, don’t message. People on your phone until you get to someone who has time to chat. Just tell them you’ve been thinking about them and wanted to check in and see how they are doing.
3. Get a little self-centered. I give you permission to pursue anything you’ve been remotely interested in, solo is perfectly fine. Just make a plan and do it. Don’t worry about fixing the issue, just enjoy the moment you’re in.
4. Pick a convenient day and have it be your challenge day. You’re going to do something out of your routine this day. You’re going to talk to someone new this day. You’re going to allow yourself to feel discomfort. It doesn’t matter what you choose. New hobby, new cafe, new gym, new class, everything is okay. The point is to say yes to something you’re interested in, with no excuses. The rest of the week you can accept things like it’s too inconvenient, I might now like it, what if I suck…but not on challenge day.
Good luck, keep swimming
Outside of my wife, I’ve just come to accept that I’m pretty much an introvert and loner. It’s hard sometimes. I get my social from online games, some interaction between teachers and kids at school, but that’s about it. I do like who I am. And that took me a long time to realize. But at the same time, I can get lonely if don’t keep myself busy.
About all I could recommend is keep busy with something. Boredom leads to an unhealthy mental state. Also, be sure to spend some time in nature in daylight a few times a week. It’s amazing what being in nature near trees can do for your overall mental health. Pets can also give you and them needed companionship, if you can commit to taking care of that pet. I’d be much more lonely if it wasn’t for my three cats. And as silly as it may seem, online games can offer some fun times a bit of escape from reality.
As an aside, I have been starting to share with my students about the numerous posts from lonely foreigners in Japan. I don’t know what may come of it. But I thought they should know that every month someone is posting about being lonely in Japan and that inviting a foreigner to a cup of coffee could lead to a good friendship.
Best to you, op.
If you’re in Kansai, I’m open to hanging out! Cafes, hiking, anything.
I sometimes do feel lonely too, but I try to do small self-improvements and find new interests (that hopefully doesn’t cost too much). My current fixation is fragrance, but my tea obsession is still there, too. Make up and stylings as well.
I like reading and it kinda helps, because sometimes the comic that I read is still ongoing and I just have to know the ending.
You feel very lonely, but don’t want to take time to meet people and cultivate friendships? Perhaps some counseling would help.
Some hobbies have very low barriers to entry, and allow you to meet people (for friendship, perhaps for romance). I do salsa dancing, and it’s super fun and the crowd is very nice. A hiking or outdoor group could also be great (as would getting out into nature).
A bunch of people in the comments offered to meet up for coffee or a hike or whatnot. Take some of them up on it. (If near Kyoto, count me in.) But don’t expect a great fit with every single person…. it *does* take some effort to meet people.
I recommend finding other people who have the same nationality as you. I believe OP is Filipino, there are many Filipino communities and groups.
But if you don’t want to be lonely, you got to put some effort in. Meet new people and maintain their friendships. Date people, give them a chance or move on. Maybe hang out with some people at work.
You could also go to evening language classes just to hang out with people.
This feels like looking at a mirror and seeing myself.
I wish I had amazing advice that would help you rid of the feeling of loneliness, but I can only try and comfort you in saying you aren’t alone in this at least.
I think there’s just something in Japan that just somehow amplifies the sadness of being alone (maybe its because it’s so common here? Or because lots of people come and go, never actually staying?)
I’m sort of in the same state, and personally what I do to cope is accepting that some things are just difficult (making friends, finding purpose, life in general). I can’t really imagine going back home permanently (from PH) either so all I can do is work on building a life I like here.
If you’d like maybe we can chat or meet (whatever is comfy with you) and talk about life in general. It would be great if we could become friends too.
If you live in Tokyo, I live near tabata, but no dating as I’m married. However, my spouse doesn’t like beer and ramen so we can go out for that!
Well, you can travel around asia country with a best friend if possible. That might change your mood and see what you can do alone. Take your time and enjoy life eventhou it sucks sometimes
You need a life. Literally – this isn’t an insult, you need to make a life. You don’t have one right now, you’re just going through the motions.
Of course you feel bad when you have no passions you’re following and nothing that makes you excited. It’s not trivial to make friends but it also feels like you’re not trying hard enough. Be more social and take risks, yes you might get embarrassed but that’s fine.
Take a cat or a dog
Sounds like my life. Single in my 30s after 10 years here. Recent cancer survivor, which really made me realize how important it is to not be alone. Sometimes you need others. The hospital asked for my emergency contact and I just didn’t have one. How pathetic is that. But it’s not like I didn’t already know that before, and it doesn’t make it any easier to meet people now. Just gotta focus on improving yourself and try to remain hopeful.
Leaving Japan was the best thing I have done.
I’d say rescue a cat or dog. Maybe multiple of them. Idk about you, but dating another human being just takes so much energy. From a guy’s perspective, I have to initiate the courtship, plan dates, be entertaining on said date so that there’s a possibility of a second date, then I gotta plan for that for that second date too. It might come off as me being lazy but the amount of effort that has to go into courting, from my POV, is just simply not as worth it. Even if you do find a partner, there are ups and downs within a relationship which often times makes you question whether you should end it or try to make it work. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic and am focusing too much on the negative aspects, but that’s just me. Where as if I adopt two cats or more, they can keep me company in exchange for being their personal chef, maid, janitor, and landlord, I think that’s a pretty good deal. In Addition, having cats allow me the opportunity to meet other people with cats who may share similar interests, then you have a friend you can talk to about cats that hopefully will branch out to other areas of interest.
Totally know how you feel. The way I dug myself out of this was I was honest with myself that I wasn’t satisfied with my life. I imagined what kind of life I would need to be satisfied. I set a 1 year, 3 and 5 year mile stone to achieve that goal and worked my butt off.
I was able to change my career and in the process found my partner. Haven’t found amazing friends yet but that’s not part of my conditions for a satisfied life.
Same here… my Japanese bf broke with me and it’s already 3 months. I feel terrible. And lonely.
Get therapy. No amount of hobbies, friends, partners or pets are gonna bring you joy if you’re not happy and content with yourself.
I’d recommend working with a therapist from your home country. Take time off and figure out what you really want for yourself through therapy, it’s going to take some time but it’s so worth it.
Wish you luck !
You already received some good advice about what to do if you stay in Japan.
I haven’t seen this mentioned so I’m just going to say: you can ALWAYS go home. Sure, you’re more “Japanese” now, but your family is still your family. Your country is still your country. Maybe you’ll be a little annoying with the “Well, in Japan they do this…” and get some eye rolls 🤭 but I see so many people choosing to be miserable abroad bc they don’t want to be seen as “going backwards.” Your well-being is way more important.
I said this before but I used to be scared of loneliness, and Japan helped me discover solitude. It was pure bliss right from the beginning and it hasn’t faded since 2015. Once you find your spot or a particular vibe it just clicks. I have a family now and I got it good for sure, because no one is trying to take that away from me and I suppose it’s because these times of vibing alone at 6am or after sunset have made me a better person. I’m sure everyone who eventually ended up living and liking it here know what I’m talking about.