Advices for a young couple
Me (23m) and my japanese wife (22f) got married recently. I was born and raised outside of japan but I can speak N1 level japanese, she has spent almost her whole life in japan and can not speak English. We got married a while ago and just made it to Japan (on spouse visa).
I have realised most of foreigner&japanese marriages do not end up well. Many people complain their marriage was affacted because of language barriers, I do not have this problem. However I am still worrying if things do not go well in the future (perfect at this moment).
I want some advices from you all who is or was married to a japanese person. Thank you in advance.
23 comments
Don’t worry about it. Just talk with your wife.
All the complaining you see on here is from a small number of posters who just don’t know how to be an adult. There are many more people out there that have no issues. They just don’t make as much noise because there is little to complain about. (Just like everything else on the internet.)
Talk about sex after kids right now
A lot of people come here and marry the first person who shows them attention without getting to know their morals and thoughts on the future, family, kids, etc.
Since you’ve already pulled the trigger don’t worry about others. Take care of each other and communicate well, even in times of stress and anger.
Marriage is hard, but we’ll worth it with the right person.
Communication is the key. As long as both of you open up to each other, you’ll be just fine. Also, find things/activities that you have in common with her and do them regularly.
>I have realised most of foreigner&japanese marriages do not end up well.
You only hear about the complaints, not all the successful marriages. While there are cultural and language difficulties to deal with, it’s not much different than marriage to someone in your home country who speaks the same language and same culture.
A lot of international marriage don’t end well is the one that are mostly exposed/brought up in reddit.
In real life, at least in my experience, it’s more like 50:50.
I’ve seen those that are abusive, separated, amicably divorced and doing well.
Maybe a generic one but what usually the pattern is for a lasting ones in international marriage is that whether the couple can communicate in at least one common language, and fluently that is.
As almost others said: communication. Talk about why you do or like things. Talk about dreams and hopes. How you feel and how she feels. No matter how well you speak Japanese, the nuance of all these things can easily get lost in assumptions.
My wife had no English and even after moving to the states for a long time struggles. We are back in Japan and found a new life here (away from hometown).
Keep the mindset in any marriage (especially as young as you are): you are both growing; focus on growing together or you will grow apart.
The stats vary greatly depending on who the “international” person is.
For example data shows that a Japanese wife and American husband has a slightly lower divorce rate (32%) than Japanese couple (33%). But a Japanese husband and Filipino wife divorce almost 70% of the time. Most international marriages here are Japanese men to other Asian women.
Treat her as a human being not a collection of cultural traits.
Most marriages on here break up for reasons of sex or money. Usually not enough or to much with someone else.
There is a bit of mythology about divorce rates. The divorce rate between western men and Japanese women in Japan is lower than the rate of Japanese-Japanese marriage. Where you see the really high divorce rates is between Japanese and other Asians.
That said, I’m western and have been married to a Japanese woman for nearly 30 years. As far as I can tell the “secrets” to a long and happy marriage are universal: patience, empathy, understanding.
I am an Asian American who grew up in the states from 14-28 YO. I moved to Japan for work(US Gov) and married a Japanese girl who speaks very limited English. I speak almost zero Japanese. All her family members don’t speak English and it doesn’t bother me a bit. They are very welcoming of me as well.
I think what’s most important is you both have the same value in life, kids, and money.
I actually get along with my wife way better than the Asian American girls I dated back in the US. Been married almost 2 years now and we have a child
Make sure you’re not stuck in a dead end job. You got the language done, well done but that’s only half the battle.
Don’t get me wrong, but aren’t you overthinking? I mean, you said you guys just got married, so go enjoy this honeymoon phase as much as you can, and live your life. Thinking about this based on Reddit topics will bring you nothing, especially cuz you guys are completely fine.
Plus, she’s Japanese but still a normal human being like any other. Both of you are very young, so like somebody else stated: communication! And I’ll add: mutual respect, not because of her nationality, but because you two are a couple in a relationship.
American married to a Japanese woman here. Lived in japan until our twins were 2 then moved back to my home state in the usa. Celebrated our 20th anniversary this year, new empty nesters as twins just went off to college this month.
As others have said, communication is key. I speak japanese and she’s been here for 18 years so english isn’t a barrier for her either.
If I had one piece of advice I’d say to ask yourself every day ”What can I do to make her life better?” It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Something as simple as doing the dishes can go a long way.
Good luck and take lots of pictures during the early years of your marriage. Time goes by fast.
Get PR as soon as you qualify. Best back-up plan advice.
Sexlessness after kids.
The (male) friends I’ve had who were unhappy in their marriages, almost universally, were unhappy because they were virtually sexless after kids. This is something you should really talk about with your wife to gauge her opinion on the topic.
And know that many Japanese women I’ve spoken with on the subject don’t want to be on the pill forever – there’s a lot of thought/belief here that it’s bad for women’s bodies (which tbf isn’t *not* true either, the male pills being developed often got canned cos the dudes in trials couldn’t handle the very same side effects women put up with even now lol!).
A number of my female friends, young and not yet married, some even single at the time, have said they don’t want much sex after the 1-2 kids are done cos birth control/condoms is mendokusai (there’s so many layers to unpack in these thoughts but yeah, that’s the kinds of conversations I’ve had with friends about it).
I also do wonder if it’s a lot to do with a combination of the reluctance to take the pill long term, “the mendokusai”, and the stats on fairly low rates of heterosexual women regularly orgasming in heterosexual sex generally. 🤔
Cheating is normal in Japan. Idk if moving here with your wife was a good idea. I hope you aren’t in a big city and are living in a more rural area. Good luck.
Talk, make common ground. Dont ignore each other.
Talk about what languages you want kids to learn. I have not seen kids whose primary caregiver（mom）does not use English with them become native or near native speakers. If you will be there primarily in the evenings, either the kids switch languages each day in the evening, she uses English with them, or they will not be full English speakers. Generally.
She does not have to be native. With other input they will not pick up her errors over time.
N1 is enough to have a good relationships with your kids, but you may want them to have an English speaking culture too.
Why do you think that Japanese / foreigner marriages don’t end well? I know lots of good international marriages. My wife and I have been together for 15+ years and married 13.
In addtion to the many comments mentioning communication. Depending on your home country there may be cultural differences in how certain aspects of communication work. In my case I’m German and my wife Japanese and the view on apologizing is very different between our cultures. Both of you should be aware that in certain situations your partner might not react they way you would expect. This is something that needs constant communication becasue even after several years together cultural differences will cause friction.
One more thing. Show a lot of empathy 共感 (きょうかん). Listen to her and take her problems serious. Offer solutions only after you showed empathy and understanding. Usually if she wanted advice or a solution she would have asked directly.
I was married and divorced twice to Japanese women in Japan.
But IMO 23 Years is far too young for a guy to get married..these are the years where you should go out and have fun and meet many partners and then settle down many years later.. also the biggest issue with marrying at such a young age is the high probability that one or both partners will change quite a bit in many ways, in terms of personality and interests..any reasons you need to marry now ? is she pregnant ?
Been happily married (to my best friend) who happens to be my Japanese wife for 23 years… we meet around 22 years old in NYC.
All relationships are about communication, growing – apart and then back together, pushing and pulling one another up along the mountain climb of life.
There will always be certain challenges to having a relationship with someone who grows up speaking a different first language. it really runs deep, and in my opinion makes it all the more a worthwhile lesson in patiences.
Put your best self forward with acceptance and gratitude to have another soul that goes the long journey with you! you got this.