I am an introvert, but still would like to have a solid core group of friends and acquaintances. Are there any particular cities or neighborhoods in Tokyo, Kyoto, etc where this might be a little easier to do?
I walk around a lot, have stayed in the same place for a long time, and have a child and have had a dog. I also greet people I see regularly. The dog helped a lot: you have to walk one a couple of times per day, and you usually encounter the same people many times. There’s little for people to do besides chat when dogs meet.
I have some hobbies and pastimes that are both done outdoors or involve equipment that is easily recognizable to others (*e.g.,* musical instrument cases, tennis rackets, or fishing poles). I do volunteer work.
Eventually, you get to know people. Some people you become friends with quickly; with others it takes literal years.
We live in one of the western of the 23 wards of Tokyo, for what it’s worth.
It depends where you spend tour free time, if you end up going to the same places, you will meet the same faces, start chatting, get food after drinks, hang out more often. Especially in Kyoto this works better in non-touristy areas and places more frequently visited by locals, japanese or foreigners alike.
I do what I like to do.
Winter: Ski
Summer: Golf
All-Seasons: Visit my favorite sushi place
​
Just doing these, seeing and talking to people that I see day in and day out, I have made tons of friends and connections. Riding the lift together and chatting other people up. Playing a round of golf with people I don’t know.
Just do the things that you like and keep your eyes open to who you regularly see and chat them up.
How good is your Japanese?
When I worked as an English teacher I used to walk around the neighborhood a lot and had some neighbors who were friendly to chat with when we ran into each other. One of them in fact occasionally comes to visit me at my new job when he’s in the building.
I joined a community badminton group which has been a blast, as well as a Japanese Sign Language class (it’s the same group of people more or less across the levels, so we all kinda know each other and are friendly to chat before/after class).
I join a lot of one off community events I find through the city magazine (koho magazine) too just to get out of the house on weekends
these have all helped me get my face out there and meet new people, but would obviously be a lot harder to do if you don’t speak Japanese well
Honesty? In 8 years, I haven’t. I met a good group, lots of them left, I haven’t had much luck at all making new friends. But! Quality of life here is so high, I still have genuine fun going to to this or that music event even on my own, I have plenty of hobbies I can keep myself busy with solo, I like my job, I’m loving life here so much that I’m… doing fine this way?
It’s not really a good tip, but if you can get to a point that you’re fine alone, then making new friends would be a nice bonus rather than something you really need or long for.
That’s the trick, you don’t.
A mix of hobbies, workplaces, the kids’ schools and neighbours.
Kids? Go to the park and chat up the other parents while your kids play.
No kids? Go to the city hall and ask if they have any volunteering opportunities or cultural events. They’ll hook you up.
Join a sports club. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t like sports, try a martial art.
The thing with expats is that the majority of them will leave, and that’s also how other people see you unless you give them any indication that you plan on staying.
Think of things that you enjoy doing, find groups doing those things, and with luck you’ll become friends (or at least acquaintances) with some of them. Keep in touch with them and build the relationship.
Repeat with each activity you enjoy.
I have been here nearly 20 years and I only know two expats. Due to the insane salaries and packages the expats get the only complaints they seem to have is missing random foods and friends. Most people in that crowd don’t want to mix with common immigrants like me. They tend to keep to themselves and go to their private clubs, gyms and restaurants.
The foreigners I am friends with are all immigrants that moved here years ago and share a common interest like golf, snowboarding and racing.
I don’t I must say. Only hang out with Japanese not so much because I don’t like foreigners, but because I want to go to groovy hidden places locals always seem to find
I could build a community a few times with meetups but I gave up due to personal reason
my current community is people from the same countries who I knew from a friend who shared an apartment with me.
No idea, lol, I just do stuff by myself which is fine but occasionally I do think that sometimes it’d be nice to chill with others.
Unfortunately I work ever changing shifts so it’s hard to participate in anything that requires decent attendance. Spend most of my time outside of work with my cat, in the gym or gaming.
Get married to a local, buy a house in newly developed area, have kids, bring them to the park, get to know neighbours.
Exactly in that order.
I found a local izakaya and joined a softball team.
Small communities can be easier than larger ones – but it depends on the community.
Eg, today I met someone new. I was waiting at the bus stop and she gave me a lift home. It helped that I was getting a bus that (a) runs very rarely; and (b) typically has one passenger whenever I get it. Also that I was going somewhere that essentially no-one from outside ever goes to or comes from.
We chatted. As it happens we know people in common (because of the small community) and I know where she works.
This happens a lot. I’ve met a few people who have been studying at the same driving school as me etc etc.
But here is a place where people come and collect tax in person (once a month) and the local community head pops in to say hello; invite you to community events and so on.
On the other hand, I live about half the time in a fairly small community (but maybe not as small) and after a year or so only really know to chat to one couple (who run a food stall) though the local barber’s wife (who helps with the barbering) knows enough to chat and the gas lady (who I pay) knows a bit more because we chat about what I am doing. It has been tough going.
So mileage varies.
Coworkers, former coworkers, friends of the same.
Also, pick a hobby that involves weekly meetups and go religiously for a month or two.
As a foreigner, Tokyo will always be easiest, Yokohama/Osaka/Kyoto and maybe ski bum parts of Hokkaido are probably doable, and anywhere else is doing life on super extreme hard mode.
You are an introvert? Good. Japan is heaven for introverts.
Expats come and go so you will be disappointed if you make expat friends expecting them to stay.
You could develop a hobby or shared interest with Japanese people. Shogi, Go, Mahjong, Car meetups etc. If you are a daredevil you can join the community fire brigade. Last one is not for me thought.
Do you live in Japan?
Get involved with the chamber of commerce, the city hall, and the international association in the municipality you live in. You get plugged into the local community and might connect with long-term foreign residents this way.
Professional associations based on your occupation might be another way to meet people.
Hobbies. Then they all caught parasi…I mean had kids and I rarely see them anymore.
One brick at a time my friend. One brick at a time.
Also, pre-marriage, I was on a volleyball team. Post-marriage, it’s all camping, etc. wih families of my kid’s friends.
I don’t. I’m introverted myself and enjoy my quiet time. I have close friends and an SO and that’s all I need. If you’re OK being alone, people don’t sense desperation in you and are more likely to engage, and therefore form friendships.
I just let them come to me. If we don’t gel then oh well, if so, great! A new friend.
Simple.
Find groups that focus on things you’re interested in.
Learn Japanese.
I’ve been here about 15 years and I’m doen to one good friend I see maybe twice a month. My advice is to treat being social as exercise, and get out there as much as you can to build and the keep what you’ve got.
I live outside a small city in Hokkaido, and have a core group of friends I see once a month or so — not really a group. Several individual connections. Striking up conversations in the grocery store seems to be my personal golden ticket.
Also, I loved books, and several of my friends love books, too, so we’re dependent upon each other for reading recs and book swaps.
Funnily enough, I don’t think I’ve ever actually made a friend at the bookstores or library, but the library can be a great place to get together. Read or study a bit (or write), then head outside for a hydration break & nice chat, then dive back into studying for an hour.
Walk outside and get something to eat. Not a lot of people here would bother you.
This will sound like an autobiography, but since you asked “how do you”…
When I first came to Tokyo almost 30 years ago, the only plan I had was to join the HHH3 (Hash House Harriers), It is a drinking club with a running problem. Basically a group of people from all different backgrounds and abilities get together and have a fun run once or more times a week, then a little party.
There are chapters of the club in almost every country, and always new people joining as well as many regulars and very long time members. I took a role on the management team because just going there to hang out would make me feel too uncomfortable.
This was before the internet was very useful and no such thing as facebook or even [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) (not sure if that even still exists) so that was where I got everything. My job, my apartment, all my connections for anything I needed.
When blogging started to be a thing, I was one of the first “Japan Bloggers” and we all had a blogroll ( a list of the other 50 or so bloggers in Japan), and we would get together for meetups to talk about bloggy things. Back then it was mostly tech (me) or design dorks. I still have lots of friends from those days. I also levereaged that to start a street photography group where we would pick a place each month to just meet, each go our separate ways and take photos for an hour or two (this was before cell phone cameras could take good photos) and then get together for dinner and drinks and show off our photos on the laptop and talk about camera and photoblog stuff.
At some point along the way I managed to be an early member of a hiking group on Facebook, and when it was still small, we would have hiking get togethers, so I built up a good community of friends from that. Also my own blog started to be more about hiking as well, so that gave me two ins to that community.
Later, moved to the countryside, and that helped because now all the friends I had managed to keep in touch with from the city wanted to come out to hike and hang out in rural area on their days off, so my own house became a bit of a draw.
Also, being a foreigner in rural Nagano naturally led to getting in touch with other foreigners living nearby (I count two hours as nearby).
When I had a kid, most of my community started to be based on other families that had children similar age. Again, many were happy to bring their kids out to play in nature. When I moved to Nagoya, I started a Facebook group called Dads with Daughters in Japan (the group is not so active anymore) but that led to a group of Foreign Fathers in Nagoya, with whom I made some lasting relationships.
Now, keep in mind, that when I say relationship, I mean might see them three times a year, and most of communication is on chat or comments, but that is enough for me – seeing ten people two or three times a year is already twenty or so of my days off.
Also, while I am/was/thought I was an introvert, I trained myself to step out of my comfort zone. When I would see a foreigner walking near my apartment who was obviously living nearby (walking a dog or saw more than once) I would stop them to make conversation. Once in a while it leads to more than just chatting on the street.
Finally, I have to admit, that while I felt content with the number of people I know from my various communities, I think living in the countryside would have been hard, but I had made my business as a Bike and hiking tour guide, so I constantly had customers coming and new people to talk to that would keep me from feeling too isolated. The good thing about that was that, while introverted in “normal” situations in that case, there was a purpose and goal to the meeting, and I was the “expert” and I knew the other people were friendly as well and shared at least the interest in biking or hiking and travel.
So my suggestion is to take the lead on making the community. If you are in the lead, it gives you a task, which makes any awkward introvert movements OK because there is a goal.
I am not saying to move to the countryside, and you don’t have to make it your business, but organize an event about something you are interested in and even if only a few people show up, it is something.. I am a wallflower if I join someone else’s group, but if I feel responsible for it, I can come out of my shell.
For some reason, I never became good friends with anyone I worked with as an employee. Although I have worked with many foreigners, off and on, I never could seem to build any sort of connection when the main thing we shared was just work.
Also note, that with the exception of a few people I met by just saying hi on the street near my apartment, it has nothing to do with the neighborhood or city. That would be true no matter where you live. The same goes for the Nagoya Father’s club. There would be similar groups in any city, although obviously more in Tokyo. The HHH running club I mentioned has several weekly groups that meet in Tokyo, but only one Nagoya that meets once a month I think (I am not a member, but if I were to go, all I have to say is “I am from the Tokyo group” and I am sure I will be treated like an old member)
Through work, just lucky that I like a lot of my coworkers. It also took a lot of work to foster a community. Injecting energy into the system you know?
For example, if you like bouldering, and you think your colleagues are remotely interested, organize it, invite them to join you, and make it fun so that they might want to do it again. Catch some brews after.
This is easier in the cities though where you have a larger pool of people and accessible activities.
Also, be discerning of who you hang out with. Maybe the regulars at HUB are your type of people maybe not. Surround yourself with the type of people who energize and support you.
Trying to change people is a fool’s errand. If you spend time with people who just want to bitch and drink, trying to “save them” is futile in my experience and it will make you bitter. I also don’t like spending time with people because they feel indebted or because they want me for ulterior something. Also for some people it might be their disposition to be closed off or keep people at a distance.
Also you can try making friends with your partners friends. Since meeting my partner, we have been able to enrich each others social lives by introducing them to our friend groups.
31 comments
I walk around a lot, have stayed in the same place for a long time, and have a child and have had a dog. I also greet people I see regularly. The dog helped a lot: you have to walk one a couple of times per day, and you usually encounter the same people many times. There’s little for people to do besides chat when dogs meet.
I have some hobbies and pastimes that are both done outdoors or involve equipment that is easily recognizable to others (*e.g.,* musical instrument cases, tennis rackets, or fishing poles). I do volunteer work.
Eventually, you get to know people. Some people you become friends with quickly; with others it takes literal years.
We live in one of the western of the 23 wards of Tokyo, for what it’s worth.
It depends where you spend tour free time, if you end up going to the same places, you will meet the same faces, start chatting, get food after drinks, hang out more often. Especially in Kyoto this works better in non-touristy areas and places more frequently visited by locals, japanese or foreigners alike.
I do what I like to do.
Winter: Ski
Summer: Golf
All-Seasons: Visit my favorite sushi place
​
Just doing these, seeing and talking to people that I see day in and day out, I have made tons of friends and connections. Riding the lift together and chatting other people up. Playing a round of golf with people I don’t know.
Just do the things that you like and keep your eyes open to who you regularly see and chat them up.
How good is your Japanese?
When I worked as an English teacher I used to walk around the neighborhood a lot and had some neighbors who were friendly to chat with when we ran into each other. One of them in fact occasionally comes to visit me at my new job when he’s in the building.
I joined a community badminton group which has been a blast, as well as a Japanese Sign Language class (it’s the same group of people more or less across the levels, so we all kinda know each other and are friendly to chat before/after class).
I join a lot of one off community events I find through the city magazine (koho magazine) too just to get out of the house on weekends
these have all helped me get my face out there and meet new people, but would obviously be a lot harder to do if you don’t speak Japanese well
Honesty? In 8 years, I haven’t. I met a good group, lots of them left, I haven’t had much luck at all making new friends. But! Quality of life here is so high, I still have genuine fun going to to this or that music event even on my own, I have plenty of hobbies I can keep myself busy with solo, I like my job, I’m loving life here so much that I’m… doing fine this way?
It’s not really a good tip, but if you can get to a point that you’re fine alone, then making new friends would be a nice bonus rather than something you really need or long for.
That’s the trick, you don’t.
A mix of hobbies, workplaces, the kids’ schools and neighbours.
Kids? Go to the park and chat up the other parents while your kids play.
No kids? Go to the city hall and ask if they have any volunteering opportunities or cultural events. They’ll hook you up.
Join a sports club. If you’re one of those people who doesn’t like sports, try a martial art.
The thing with expats is that the majority of them will leave, and that’s also how other people see you unless you give them any indication that you plan on staying.
Think of things that you enjoy doing, find groups doing those things, and with luck you’ll become friends (or at least acquaintances) with some of them. Keep in touch with them and build the relationship.
Repeat with each activity you enjoy.
I have been here nearly 20 years and I only know two expats. Due to the insane salaries and packages the expats get the only complaints they seem to have is missing random foods and friends. Most people in that crowd don’t want to mix with common immigrants like me. They tend to keep to themselves and go to their private clubs, gyms and restaurants.
The foreigners I am friends with are all immigrants that moved here years ago and share a common interest like golf, snowboarding and racing.
I don’t I must say. Only hang out with Japanese not so much because I don’t like foreigners, but because I want to go to groovy hidden places locals always seem to find
I could build a community a few times with meetups but I gave up due to personal reason
my current community is people from the same countries who I knew from a friend who shared an apartment with me.
No idea, lol, I just do stuff by myself which is fine but occasionally I do think that sometimes it’d be nice to chill with others.
Unfortunately I work ever changing shifts so it’s hard to participate in anything that requires decent attendance. Spend most of my time outside of work with my cat, in the gym or gaming.
Get married to a local, buy a house in newly developed area, have kids, bring them to the park, get to know neighbours.
Exactly in that order.
I found a local izakaya and joined a softball team.
Small communities can be easier than larger ones – but it depends on the community.
Eg, today I met someone new. I was waiting at the bus stop and she gave me a lift home. It helped that I was getting a bus that (a) runs very rarely; and (b) typically has one passenger whenever I get it. Also that I was going somewhere that essentially no-one from outside ever goes to or comes from.
We chatted. As it happens we know people in common (because of the small community) and I know where she works.
This happens a lot. I’ve met a few people who have been studying at the same driving school as me etc etc.
But here is a place where people come and collect tax in person (once a month) and the local community head pops in to say hello; invite you to community events and so on.
On the other hand, I live about half the time in a fairly small community (but maybe not as small) and after a year or so only really know to chat to one couple (who run a food stall) though the local barber’s wife (who helps with the barbering) knows enough to chat and the gas lady (who I pay) knows a bit more because we chat about what I am doing. It has been tough going.
So mileage varies.
Coworkers, former coworkers, friends of the same.
Also, pick a hobby that involves weekly meetups and go religiously for a month or two.
As a foreigner, Tokyo will always be easiest, Yokohama/Osaka/Kyoto and maybe ski bum parts of Hokkaido are probably doable, and anywhere else is doing life on super extreme hard mode.
You are an introvert? Good. Japan is heaven for introverts.
Expats come and go so you will be disappointed if you make expat friends expecting them to stay.
You could develop a hobby or shared interest with Japanese people. Shogi, Go, Mahjong, Car meetups etc. If you are a daredevil you can join the community fire brigade. Last one is not for me thought.
Do you live in Japan?
Get involved with the chamber of commerce, the city hall, and the international association in the municipality you live in. You get plugged into the local community and might connect with long-term foreign residents this way.
Professional associations based on your occupation might be another way to meet people.
Hobbies. Then they all caught parasi…I mean had kids and I rarely see them anymore.
One brick at a time my friend. One brick at a time.
Also, pre-marriage, I was on a volleyball team. Post-marriage, it’s all camping, etc. wih families of my kid’s friends.
I don’t. I’m introverted myself and enjoy my quiet time. I have close friends and an SO and that’s all I need. If you’re OK being alone, people don’t sense desperation in you and are more likely to engage, and therefore form friendships.
I just let them come to me. If we don’t gel then oh well, if so, great! A new friend.
Simple.
Find groups that focus on things you’re interested in.
Learn Japanese.
I’ve been here about 15 years and I’m doen to one good friend I see maybe twice a month. My advice is to treat being social as exercise, and get out there as much as you can to build and the keep what you’ve got.
I live outside a small city in Hokkaido, and have a core group of friends I see once a month or so — not really a group. Several individual connections. Striking up conversations in the grocery store seems to be my personal golden ticket.
Also, I loved books, and several of my friends love books, too, so we’re dependent upon each other for reading recs and book swaps.
Funnily enough, I don’t think I’ve ever actually made a friend at the bookstores or library, but the library can be a great place to get together. Read or study a bit (or write), then head outside for a hydration break & nice chat, then dive back into studying for an hour.
Walk outside and get something to eat. Not a lot of people here would bother you.
This will sound like an autobiography, but since you asked “how do you”…
When I first came to Tokyo almost 30 years ago, the only plan I had was to join the HHH3 (Hash House Harriers), It is a drinking club with a running problem. Basically a group of people from all different backgrounds and abilities get together and have a fun run once or more times a week, then a little party.
There are chapters of the club in almost every country, and always new people joining as well as many regulars and very long time members. I took a role on the management team because just going there to hang out would make me feel too uncomfortable.
This was before the internet was very useful and no such thing as facebook or even [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) (not sure if that even still exists) so that was where I got everything. My job, my apartment, all my connections for anything I needed.
When blogging started to be a thing, I was one of the first “Japan Bloggers” and we all had a blogroll ( a list of the other 50 or so bloggers in Japan), and we would get together for meetups to talk about bloggy things. Back then it was mostly tech (me) or design dorks. I still have lots of friends from those days. I also levereaged that to start a street photography group where we would pick a place each month to just meet, each go our separate ways and take photos for an hour or two (this was before cell phone cameras could take good photos) and then get together for dinner and drinks and show off our photos on the laptop and talk about camera and photoblog stuff.
At some point along the way I managed to be an early member of a hiking group on Facebook, and when it was still small, we would have hiking get togethers, so I built up a good community of friends from that. Also my own blog started to be more about hiking as well, so that gave me two ins to that community.
Later, moved to the countryside, and that helped because now all the friends I had managed to keep in touch with from the city wanted to come out to hike and hang out in rural area on their days off, so my own house became a bit of a draw.
Also, being a foreigner in rural Nagano naturally led to getting in touch with other foreigners living nearby (I count two hours as nearby).
When I had a kid, most of my community started to be based on other families that had children similar age. Again, many were happy to bring their kids out to play in nature. When I moved to Nagoya, I started a Facebook group called Dads with Daughters in Japan (the group is not so active anymore) but that led to a group of Foreign Fathers in Nagoya, with whom I made some lasting relationships.
Now, keep in mind, that when I say relationship, I mean might see them three times a year, and most of communication is on chat or comments, but that is enough for me – seeing ten people two or three times a year is already twenty or so of my days off.
Also, while I am/was/thought I was an introvert, I trained myself to step out of my comfort zone. When I would see a foreigner walking near my apartment who was obviously living nearby (walking a dog or saw more than once) I would stop them to make conversation. Once in a while it leads to more than just chatting on the street.
Finally, I have to admit, that while I felt content with the number of people I know from my various communities, I think living in the countryside would have been hard, but I had made my business as a Bike and hiking tour guide, so I constantly had customers coming and new people to talk to that would keep me from feeling too isolated. The good thing about that was that, while introverted in “normal” situations in that case, there was a purpose and goal to the meeting, and I was the “expert” and I knew the other people were friendly as well and shared at least the interest in biking or hiking and travel.
So my suggestion is to take the lead on making the community. If you are in the lead, it gives you a task, which makes any awkward introvert movements OK because there is a goal.
I am not saying to move to the countryside, and you don’t have to make it your business, but organize an event about something you are interested in and even if only a few people show up, it is something.. I am a wallflower if I join someone else’s group, but if I feel responsible for it, I can come out of my shell.
For some reason, I never became good friends with anyone I worked with as an employee. Although I have worked with many foreigners, off and on, I never could seem to build any sort of connection when the main thing we shared was just work.
Also note, that with the exception of a few people I met by just saying hi on the street near my apartment, it has nothing to do with the neighborhood or city. That would be true no matter where you live. The same goes for the Nagoya Father’s club. There would be similar groups in any city, although obviously more in Tokyo. The HHH running club I mentioned has several weekly groups that meet in Tokyo, but only one Nagoya that meets once a month I think (I am not a member, but if I were to go, all I have to say is “I am from the Tokyo group” and I am sure I will be treated like an old member)
Through work, just lucky that I like a lot of my coworkers. It also took a lot of work to foster a community. Injecting energy into the system you know?
For example, if you like bouldering, and you think your colleagues are remotely interested, organize it, invite them to join you, and make it fun so that they might want to do it again. Catch some brews after.
This is easier in the cities though where you have a larger pool of people and accessible activities.
Also, be discerning of who you hang out with. Maybe the regulars at HUB are your type of people maybe not. Surround yourself with the type of people who energize and support you.
Trying to change people is a fool’s errand. If you spend time with people who just want to bitch and drink, trying to “save them” is futile in my experience and it will make you bitter. I also don’t like spending time with people because they feel indebted or because they want me for ulterior something. Also for some people it might be their disposition to be closed off or keep people at a distance.
Also you can try making friends with your partners friends. Since meeting my partner, we have been able to enrich each others social lives by introducing them to our friend groups.
[removed]