Caught husband with his work mistress just last month after taking a family trip the day before.
Plenty of evidence to sue both parties and I already have served notice of my intent to do so to both parties. (Backstory: If I tell their company about this, both of them will get fired) Of course, I won’t say anything but I did tell his mom simply because she is/has been a lot of help to us over the years. She was livid to find this out and also knows he possibly jeopardized his job with this older (married) woman. She begged me to make sure the kids never know about this, as they will likely hate him. His dad said he “must be a sex addict to do this to his family after our family trip” and told him he’s not welcome in their home anymore. He also said I should “probably get tested since he seems to want to put his stuff in anything”.
So guess what? Now that his family has turned on him, the husband is suddenly he’s saying he wants counseling and he will pay whatever I ask to stay together. He said he doesn’t talk to her anymore even tho they work at the same place and he has no plans to transfer. I really don’t trust anything he says, even down to what he ate for lunch or what the weather is. It’s all lies, but I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and their spouse changed after counseling or what not.
Or is that the same as hoping for world peace?
25 comments
Fuckim.
it’s possible, but probably 99% unlikely. Going to counselling would be a good step. If he can figure out the reasons and triggers, he can potentially stop. But especially assuming he won’t be getting any from you for a long time, it’s a long and difficult road
If he’s gone as far as having a long term affair with someone at work, that means people around him in the workplace are likely aware of it (it’s extremely hard to hide that sort of thing over an extended period of time).
This isn’t really a r/japanlife question, but my opinion, without any further information other than what you’ve given, is that it would be quite unlikely he would have a 100% change of heart and suddenly figure out how to be faithful.
So him hurting you, risking your health, and essentially losing you didn’t break the camels back. It was his family disowning him? He clearly only cares about himself and not you. He’s only saying these things to do what he needs to do to get back in good standing with his family then he’ll do it all over again.
I have a friend who was in a similar situation. Divorced, with a baby, he promised he’d changed. She got a prenup and surprise surprise already he had girlfriends and they’re separated again.
Sounds to me like “What can I do to take the heat down as there are far more consequences than I expected!”
But, I don’t know the guy, so I don’t really feel I can tell you one way or the other. That answer should come from your self introspective review of him and your relationship
No
If he wanta counselling only when it started affecting his family, the motivation was completely wrong from the start.
I mean that depends no?
1. How many times have they cheated?
More than once? Unforgivable.
2. How did you find out?
Did they tell you? How quickly did they tell you?
Did you find out yourself? Did they hide it? Unforgivable
3. What kind of cheating was this?
Physical? Emotional?
An affair is unforgivable
4. How did they react?
Play it down? Beg? Because thats manipulation and Unforgivable
5. Any context?
Is your spouse depressed? Childhood trauma? Abused?
If not then why the fuck they cheating, again unforgivable
Many couples get passed infidelity. Many others do not. And many more turn a blind eye. However I think for those that move passed it strict criteria needs to be met. The ones I listed are just my opinion.
The trust is already broken. People like this don’t usually change, regardless of where in the world they are or are from, but even if it looked like he changed…would you actually be able to trust that at this point? You deserve better. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Sending hugs your way!
He’s only sorry he got caught and is having to face the consequences of his actions.
The disrespect is still there, he doesn’t care about the marriage, he’s just scared of further consequences because he knows you are holding the cards now.
No way. He only wanted to make amends after it affected his relationship with his family. He doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care about how his actions impact you. He also is continuing to work in the same company with her while promising not to talk to her. That is totally unacceptable. How would you be able to believe they aren’t talking? If he really cared about your feelings, he would quit that job so you could be assured they aren’t interacting. He’s trying to get you to stay with him while putting in the least amount of effort that he can get away with. All he cares about is what he gets out of this situation.
I have been in your position before and I am really sorry this is happening to you. But I assure you there is life and joy and happiness after leaving a cheating spouse. It’s really hard at first, but eventually you can rebuild your life.
I think a pertinent question is “do you want to live with another adult you can’t trust at all?”
And, it seems he was a-ok with doing this right up until the moment it blew up in his face and caused real inconvenience to him. He’s probably only regretful that you found out and that his lifestyle could change drastically.
He sounds horrible! Get rid of him!
Fuck him. He’s not going to change. Get out and go live your life. You deserve better.
Lol no.
He might be traumatised out of doing it again but that doesn’t mean you can fix the relationship now. Won’t be the same ever again.
Throw the garbage outside
He is just backtracking because his family threw him away, most likely the mistress did too, probably there are rumors at work and you are his last hope to clean his image.
He doesn’t feel sorry, probably not even remorseful. He is sorry he got caught.
He wants to clean his conscience thru you, and if you forgive him you will always doubt him and look over your shoulders. It’s a feeling I don’t recommend.
Cheaters don’t change, I know too many stories that just have 100% convinced me of this
No. Need to 🏃♂️
Obviously everybody is different but I do believe it’s 100% possible to reflect on your actions and become a better person that doesn’t cheat.
However I also believe once the box has been opened, the relationship is doomed. The trust is gone and realistically is never coming back. No matter how much you work through it and try to resolve it, there is always going to be the thought in the back of your mind whenever he is out at night, a new female coworker starts at the office, he is on a business trip, etc.
If you think you can deal with that insecurity for the rest of your life, then I wish you the best. But I certainly can’t.
It’s easier to forgive if you also get a boyfriend on the side (personal experience).
I should also add I don’t hate him but hate what he has done and how he is acting.
I don’t believe “once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”…like people can change but I don’t think he has it in him just cause of how he’s been acting.
Nope. And anyway, he could do all he possibly can to gain your trust and prove to you he’s changed but let’s be honest – will you ever believe him? Run, don’t walk. Oh yeah also sue.
You need to break it off before you get burned again. Cut off shitty people out of your life before they can mess it up any further. Clearly he’s trying to hang onto whatever’s left because everyone in his life is turning on him(rightfully so).