Been married for 7 years, have 2 kids. Wife started a new job in April and has been acting odd for months, had my suspicions that she was having an affair due to a strange message she sent me by mistake a month ago and the increased number of late shifts she has been doing recently. She had a reasonable explanation for all of it so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Today I was using her PC which had LINE installed and managed to see her messages. Looks like she’s been cheating with this guy (who is also married with kids) for months. I’m absolutely devastated and have no idea what to do. She has no idea that I know. My biggest worry is her demanding a divorce if I confront her with it and losing access to my kids. I could also lose my job as well if I got a divorce as she was the one that got it for me. This is a throwaway account as I don’t want people I know finding out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
30 comments
Dont make any decision and keep all evidence🕵️♀️
A divorce is best. When and how you choose to do it, depends on you. Once you get your eggs lined up is ideal.
A lawyer could advise about the children part, as her and her family will make it almost impossible for you to see them. If you send the kids away to study/live in your home country, then process it and divorce, that’s the best way to ensure you have some negotiations as courts here are the wild for co-parenting. It doesn’t exist. If she wants your money, she will use the kids against you too.
Let me tell you like the video we saw that blew up on the internet about cheating in Japan, most Japanese people in Japan don’t think cheating is a big deal. Chances your wife and this Japanese guy she’s banging in love hotels think the same. “It’s not cheating if we’re co-workers”, ect., some kind of excuse. Stress probably.
Good luck!
Edit your post a bit – that’s already too much info in first line.
I feel for you, I’m sure you’ll get knowledgeable advices on here.
Sorry to hear this.
Unfortunately, you are learning the hard way but this happens in Japan and it is very widespread. Remember that there is no sense of puritanical guilt in Japan so affairs and the fuzoku industry thrives here. It is really not fair in a sense if you are a westerner because if you did it you might be wracked with guilt and all bent about your own behavior. No such significant guilt exists in Japanese society.
The worst possible outcome for her is to get called out and shamed but that would bring unnecessary shame on the children involved (not just yours) due to the behavior of some careless adults. Shame is a big deal here, guilt is not. If that is not normalized in your thinking then try to make that adjustment before you do anything.
I would not pull out the nuclear option (confronting her) until you have everything lined up and you are prepared for the consequences. The best case scenario is they get tired of each other, get tired of the office gossip or just terminate the relationship and then move on. There are many factors at play here so be sure to think about every contingency and never act out of emotion and always keep your behaviors rational.
Shit happens and this is some bad shit. Your thoughts about your children should be your guiding light in this. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Peace.
Don’t sleep with her (unprotected). I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault and you deserve better.
1- Gather as much as info possible.
2- Never confront her. Let your rage become a grudge.
3- Keep your relationship with your children very tight. When your child reaches the age of discretion, reveal the truth to them.
4- Ghost her. Never give a chance to her to confront. She would only say things that rationalise her actions. If she cannot say those, implosion happens.
5- Sue the cheater and the person that she cheated with. Utilize the long-garnered evidences.
I had similar story when I was in relationship, it made me very anxious to make decision to start a new relationship let alone marriage. Maybe I will be single forever
7 years…So your kids are young.
Who is the primary caregiver for the children? If it’s you, then with a good lawyer it is possible for you to win custody. No guarantees, but Japanese courts do tend to award custody to the primary caregiver. Here on Reddit, 99% of the time that’s the Japanese wife, but there are actually far more foreign wives (Chinese, Korean, etc) married to Japanese men. They will often win custody if they fight for it. Men who are the primary caregivers can also win custody.
You also have to take into consideration the financial situation. If your wife and/or her family are wealthy and you are not, that stacks the deck against you even if you are the primary caregiver. They can pump huge money into lawyers and may be able to convince the court the kids should go where the money is.
If you don’t think you can win custody then you face the very real chance of losing access to your kids. They’re young and may not remember you. If you can emotionally mange to stay until they are older, you will have a much better chance of being able to stay in contact with them.
Best of luck.
All actions have risk. If she has a close relationship with her parents and you have a Japanese friend you trust implicitly then you could ask the Japanese friend to anonymously reveal the information to her parents. Assuming her parents like you and the institute of marriage they will shut this shit down sharpish.
It needs to be someone native to pass the message in such a way you can not become a suspect.
Let’s be clear this isn’t a friend that might help move furniture. This needs to be a friend that would help move a body in the night. Not that I’m positioning such action as an alternative of course.
Plan B whenever you are sure she’s not actually working late sent cute photo messages of you and the kids doing stuff. Kids holding up a home made sign of “mama o-shigoto ganbatte.” Or similar..
Save all evidence and consult a lawyer, in that order. Can’t stress this enough. The best advice on Reddit is worthless unless it’s from an actual legal professional (which I’m not)
Screenshot all the messages, all of them if you can get on her pc again. And then think. If you want to see a lawyer do so. Don’t confront her until you have the evidence and keep that hidden, see a lawyer before confrontation if you choose bring it up with her.
Is she Japanese? Are you Japanese?
Sad to say but this is also a factor if and when dealing with family court.
I have a friend that had the same problem, and I would recommend before talk to her, you look for a lawyer to see what you can talk with her in a way that doesn’t affect you. Specially because sometimes we lost our reason talking with someone that we love, which could make everything worse, so again, I do recommend check with a Lawyer first.
Download, screen shot, print all messages of the line account ASAP!
If u have access to line. U can export the message history
So sorry about this. My understanding is that you need to collect proof of cheating in Japan.
You are right about the possibility of losing your kids sadly. Even though your wife is guilty.
In Japan, if you collect evidence, the cheating partner may have to pay for damages (proportionally of the salary, usually not worth if you are not a rich celebrity married to a rich entrepreneur). I do not know if the Japanese justice system would let a foreigner and a dad in charge of the kids even if your wife cheated. This is the main question if you contact a lawyer in Japan.
I would also contact your embassy regarding your rights and your kids, and a different lawyer back in your home country.
Depending on the information you get from lawyers, divorce or get your wife to sign some documents that she confess cheating with some details. Might be valuable in the future.
> I could also lose my job as well if I got a divorce as she was the one that got it for me.
Unlikely, unless you are a contractor maybe.
Save all evidence and take your time. Reevaluating what it means to be married, your goals, …
This is a critical time for you – you need to steel yourself and try not to act on your emotions.
As you likely know, divorces between Japanese wives and foreign men can turn utterly disastrous for the husband if it isn’t totally amicable. We’ve all heard countless horror stories particularly when children are involved.
As everyone else has said, you need to get all of your ducks in a row before doing anything or letting her know.
Be prepared for the possibility that she may react by claiming “DV” (domestic violence) which is unfortunately a common easy-out in situations like this; not only is it sometimes ‘suggested’ by lawyers or Japanese embassy officials, but it’s also immediately believed by Japanese courts in many cases. There may be some way you can collect some form of pre-emptive evidence against this, just in case.
Proof of the cheating would be another good one to hold onto, as that will aid your case in terms of divorce. Additionally, I believe you can submit a kind of ‘denial of divorce without your authorization’ to city hall (others here might know more).
Your best bet is talking to a lawyer, and keeping things on the down low. You might even want to contact some foreign dads that have been through the ringer of this situation. I expect there’s others here who haven’t chimed in yet.
And of course, your top concern should be your children and the real chance that she might spirit them away and prevent you seeing them again if things turn sour.
Wishing you all the luck possible.
I don’t really get why you’re advising him to collect evidence like he’s going to fight her in court. That’s a sure fire way of never seeing your kids again.
TBH, I would just start an affair of my own and withhold sex/intimacy from her.
When she asks what’s wrong just ask her what’s wrong back.
Allow her to confess and then confess you knew and that you had/are having an affair too.
Have a discussion about what to do next, be stoic about it don’t get all emotional (even if you are).
Be strong for your kids and forgive her but the trust is gone and it is up to her to come clean and build it up again.
Sad but true the games never end.
You need to go to city hall and submit a “riken fujuri moshide”.
Otherwise you risk her going there with your stamp and submitting the divorce without your consent.
You should build your life as if you were a single father. Get a job that is not dependent on your wife, shape your life like you are single. Take care of the kids like you are single. Remove any reliance on your wife.
If you don’t have PR, get PR if you want to stay in the country even if you get a divorce.
After that, it’s up to you, really. On the bright side, it sounds like your wife’s not especially intelligent, so you can just keep gathering proof.
Sorry to have to go through this.
I have made a throwaway for this kind of post.
I have recently found myself in the same situation.
Found it on LINE when she was very secretive and putting her phone face down when I entered the room.
Grabbing her phone out of my hands when I wanted to check some settings. (in the it guy and we’ve always had an unofficial open phone policy)
Got evidence. This is key.
I couldn’t take it and confronted her. This was a mixed bag.
Contacted a lawyer for free legal aid (income depending) via houterasu (which I found on a refait thread)
Lawyer said:
Within 3 years from discovery day you can claim damages from the affair partner (AP) AND wife.
He mentioned it wouldn’t be much nowadays.
Maybe 1,000,000JPY each unless it leads to divorce in which case maybe 2,000,000JPY.
To note: the offer betrayed spouse the douchebags wife is also entitled to this. But she had up to 20 years after the act to take action against her husband and your wife.
Women eagerly get penalized as harshly as men I was also told.
BUT the case HAS TO BE SOLID for them to take it and the agency will be loaning the cash to start the legal procedures.
(Which is important to note as if you don’t go with houterasu any lawyer may drag this out longer without a “slamdunk” case.
Evidence evidence evidence.
Taking pictures of the line convo.
Screenshots are good.
Getting a private detective is gold. Once they enter a love hotel they are automatically though to be cheating.
You case will be golden.
This is however dependent on if you wish to go this route.
You could only claim damages from the guy should up choose.
They both may lose jobs. That is unknown.
The biggest problem. It’s the situation with kids.
If she’s smart she’ll keep you in the kids life.
I’m 4-5 months past discovery.
Once you confront she will deny deny deny. Even if she doesn’t deny she will most likely lie.
You will not be able to trust her ever again.
Divorce may be a good option down the road when things calm down.
There’s so much going on now for you.
Keep calm, keep your sanity, keep collecting evidence, DO NOT CONFRONT UNTIL YOU SPEAK TO A LAWYER.
do not have any guilt for looking at her line.
(A warning it may scar you for life to read the messages)
There’s so much more. But I’ll leave it here as this will be my first post from this account and may not get through.
Also
Pro divorce (leaning IMO) ) /infidelity
Pro recovery /asoneafterinfidelity I think it was.
Japan is a little “unique” in this matter and Reddit forums are mostly centered on Western culture and values so take everything with a grain of salt.
Best of luck and ask away if you need too.
Fucking hell.
Mate so sorry.
Get evidence, download the line evidence. Keep it. Just in case.
Ger prepped for looking for a new job, speak to a solicitor.
Then go get yourself the life you deserve.
It only screenshot- they are so east to manipulate. Film that you are scrolling her line on PC and send her a message while you film. Scroll through and not all the times she works late and for what reason.
I’d say the first question to be asked it what do YOU want to do? Do you want to get past this and stay together? Then a therapist/ couple therapist could help depending on whether you want to take the cat out of the bag.
Or do you want to end things? Getting a divorce means there’s a huge chance you will lose access to your children. But if that’s the route you want to take, get lots of evidence of the affair. Talk to a lawyer regarding what kind of evidence will stand in court (they can be funny about that here). Etc.
Sorry that happened to ya OP. Sounds just like my wife lol. I kept all the evidence and went to a two lawyers. I was told I had no shot at custody and to just let it go if I wanted a guaranteed relationship with my kid. Mine is also petty enough to never let me see my kid again if divorced. Kind of just stuck and now so I just do my own thing when not with the family.
No advice here. Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this terrible time. You’ll weather this storm. You got this. I wish you all the best. ❤️
Before you make any decision or confront her with divorce:
gather all the evidence, record a conversation with her where she acknowledges it (without her knowing so she isn’t on the defensive; this is legal in Japan), talk with a lawyer.
You’ll absolutely destroy her in court if it got to that. You probably have nothing to worry about if you get your ducks in a row.
Sucks.
Also all the comments are insanely fascinating.