Struggling to find love in Japan as a foreign woman

34 comments

1. Apparently lack of relationships is the number 1 reason western women leave Japan, as it’s common for western women to struggle with dating in Japan.

2. I think after your 30’s you kinda have to lower your expectations. I mean educated, good job, handsome ; That right there eliminates like 80% of people worldwide 😂

3. A lot of middle-aged people become less adventurous and outgoing as they usually prefer to connect with people from the same country or a similar background.
   When dating at around 30, most people are primarily seeking long-term relationships or marriage.

   Australia is vastly different from Japan in many ways, and this is well-known among Japanese people, making it challenging to find someone here. In contrast, Seattle, USA, shares a closer cultural connection with Australia, and both countries use English as the main language, making people in Seattle more open to dating Australians, I assume.

   I’m not sure exactly who you are looking for on the app, but it can be challenging to find tall, wealthy, good-looking people between the ages of 30 and 35 in Japan as many of them may already be in relationships.

4. I mean.. it’s the location for sure.

   If you aren’t into the locals anymore after your experience which is your choice of course but that’s the vast majority of men around. Most of the other foreign guys I’ve met here are at best indifferent to dating other foreigners and at worst, opposed to it. Don’t take it to heart and keep trying – or move country (obviously American guys would be interested in an Aussie!).

5. Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. Which apps are you using? You might have better luck on a Japanese one like Pairs; IME the western ones are slim pickings and weirdos for days. As a foreign woman, you may also have to make the first move.

   On the other other hand, re: what you’re after – which is fine to be after, don’t get me wrong! – I feel like a lot of those high-spec guys will either have been long since married over here, or have zero need to use the apps. Hard to find, at least.

   Maybe try joining clubs and other activities in the real? Idk whether they’d need to necessarily be konkatsu events, but it can never hurt to meet new people.

   All the best.

6. I think most Japanese men assume that foreign women aren’t interested in them, or are otherwise out of reach. Be proactive.

7. Well it seems you have answered your own question and should immediately move to Seattle!

8. I feel like I’m in a similar situation, as a man. Living in the countryside, 39, divorced, great job, bought a house, have a dog. It’s hard for me to find someone in my area mostly because there aren’t many people available. And I can go to big cities for dates but cannot spend the night there.

9. I’m 33 I don’t think it’s necessarily age, at least in my experience. Most guys on that app are just f**k boys anyway. I hear bumble is better

10. I was on the apps at 30, as a single white Canadian woman and I never really struggled at all. I have went on dates with Japanese men, other Asian men and came across many foreigners (only ever decided to date one foreigner and we ended up getting married, funny how that worked out).

    I found with dating in Japan, it is such a numbers game. I’m sure it doesn’t matter where you are tbh, when people have the ability to swipe and swipe and swipe, it’s exciting so, you kind of have to bring something extra to keep that engagement in a potential date. Maybe that means being more proactive, having a really great/interesting/funny picture or tagline. It also might be better to meet people off the apps. My favourite connections were with people I met out at bars.

11. Foreign women usually struggle here with dating (especially those over 30) for a number of reasons.

    What can you do about it? Well assuming your expectations are not totally unrealistic, it’s just a numbers game. Dating apps are fine, but you need to try many of them, and also join clubs, events, meetups etc. and massively increase your exposure to people who might fit your criteria.

    Give it a year. If you meet 100 people roughly in your target area, maybe 3-5 could be a real match for you that you hit it off with. That means you need to meet 100. That’s two a week.

    It’s down to supply and demand. There are high numbers of very cute single Japanese women in their early 30s desperate to get married. A man is spoilt for choice.

    Don’t give up, it’s possible but you need to be proactive and accept you’re in a different situation that Australia or Seattle and hence it’s time to take matters into your own hands.

12. Can’t really say what the issue could be but time after time I’ve come across and know Japanese men/women here that they struggle to find the “one” because they’ve set the bar so high that it’s unrealistic at their age (35-45). People in Japan, and mostly younger women set high expectations from men/women they are seeking but don’t realize they themselves don’t meet high expectations. There has to be a balance for you and the future “one”.

13. 37 white Australian male here, same experience. Matching apps stopped paying dividends for me after I turned 30, and it’s harder and harder to just meet people “in the wild” these days, especially post-COVID.

    My female gaijin friends have also said the same thing as you OP. They tend to have more luck with other foreigners than Japanese guys, at least with the foreigners who aren’t only into Asian girls.

14. No offense but the ‘divorced’ part might put people off, if it’s in your profile. If it is, do what everyone else does and keep it secret for a while.

    Aside from that, my advice to everyone who is struggling to find people through apps, is that apps should supplement your dating rather than be the only way to find people. Go outside and meet people organically. The apps are all about looks so they’re fundamentally shallow.

15. Love isn’t something you do, its something that happens. Its not a Japan problem.

    Get off your apps and go out into the real world, doing the real things you love, and meet people through there.

16. I met my husband on Bumble.

    I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but it helps to ignore pictures and read profiles only. My partner had a crappy photo because he’s not good at/doesn’t like taking selfies (not a narcissistic person).

    Also disregard race/ethnicity/nationality. Outside of Japanese men, you’re going to find a lot of other east or south East Asian people.

17. I’d get off the apps and pick up a new hobby. If the people you are looking for are single then you won’t find them online. They are busy. But we all have our passions. Join a social group or activity group. Can’t recommend this more. Bonus you will meet someone you share interests with. Apps are square peg round hole.

18. You’re asking for a lot. You want a handsome, good looking (presumably tall?), educated, artsy, liberal man with a good job? I think the only thing missing from that list is a six pack.

    I think you’ll be hard pressed to find that in most countries. No offense but your requirements sound extremely shallow.

19. I think it’s also important to show what YOU have to offer them. It’s great having expectations of who you’d like to be with, but you do eliminate 90% of the Japanese population of not more already with just “liberal hipster”. Defining things such as “educated” could be as literal as a university education which many have, or to be “socially” educated too. Using apps are great, but us Japanese tend to interact more in person, in your late 20’s and going into your 30’s it’s most common to find a partner at your job. Since we work so much and don’t exactly have time to “waste” in terms of going around trying to find a suitable date/partner. Hop that helps?

20. good looking, smart/disciplined, cultured, liberal and succesful. It’s a high bar in Japan. I think a lot of guys in their 30s that check all of these boxes are already married. Are you willing to date younger?

21. I know quite a few single guys like you describe. The problem is they are more focused on their careers and hobbies and don’t use dating sites. And when they do choose to prioritize love it’s fairly easy for them to find someone through work, friends, hobby groups or family.

    So I think it’s really a matter of putting yourself in the right place at the right time. Join some group activities that you’d potentially like to do with your future partner. Take up some hobbies that people you’re interested in generally have (even if you personally don’t have much interest in them).

22. >the type of guy I am looking for (handsome, educated, artsy, liberal hipster with a good job).

    Let me be blunt with you. You’re most likely not going to find this kind of guy in Japan.

    Is finding a partner important to you? Do you see a significant other as an integral part of your life?

    >Should I uproot my life and move elsewhere just for the sake of finding love?

    No one except you can answer this question but you.

23. ​

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24. Japan has significantly high marriage rate compared with most western countries with roughly 65% men have married partner in their 30s and those remaining 35% are on average don’t have good jobs.

25. I am the type of guy are looking for – except for handsome. To be honest, I don’t think there are many guys like that, since I find really hard to make other like-minded male friends.

    To make things worse, very few of us (myself included) want to settle down, but at the same time we want something more than a one time thing. Meanwhile, the women who are interested in guys like us and getting involved in a deeper way, all want to settle down. So the struggle goes both ways.

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27. Real answer: the kind of men you’re looking for (minus the artsy hipster part maybe) already have an endless supply of younger and better looking women than you available to them on tinder and other apps, so you need to either lower your expectations in some department, move somewhere where the dating market is skewed more in your favor or try more traditional methods of meeting people that let you show off something more than just your looks.

28. If something were to happen to my husband (God forbid) I would just stick to the single life. Finding another match here looks like too much trouble… If it happens, it happens, but I wouldn’t actively look for someone.

    I think both staying here and uprooting are viable options with their own advantages and disadvantages. If you don’t particularly like Japan over other countries, I’d lean towards moving. Picture yourself in ten years, weight the options. Do whatever you feel would make you happier 🙂

29. I really REALLY hate to say this but Japan is harsh. So let me just give the medicine without sugar.

    Your expectations are too high.

    You’re over 30 which is too old for many men in Japan.

    You’re divorced. Strike two for many men here.

    I have no idea what your body type is but are you 42kg like they like here?

    You’re fighting against a lot of barriers. It’s gonna take time.

30. Yeah. Japan, being a lot more conservative, it will be hard to find the type you describe. As you’ve already figured with the location experiment. However, the type you’re looking for does exist here as well, of course. And some are single and looking. It’s just that the numbers are way less in your favors here compared to “in the west”.

    What that means is that you can find what you want, but chances are it will be (much) harder and take (a lot) longer. Depending on your location and efforts, it might even be almost impossible, say if you live rather remote. If you’re in Osaka, Tokyo or an otherwise populated area, it should definitely be possible though.

    However, one crucial thing others have mentioned is: don’t just be on tinder. Use bumble or pairs, plus – most importantly – get out there! Bars, sports clubs, hiking, whatever your hobbies, find people in real life. Apps make dating like window shopping. If you don’t visually stand out in some way, you’ll just be ignored in favor of the next shiny thing. In real life, meeting people is less superficial and your personality and other factors will come into play and change things a lot.

    The question simply is, what are your priorities? Do you absolutely and desperately want to find someone and find someone fast? Are you okay on your own for a bit and are okay with the search taking some time? And how much does your desire to stay in Japan weigh against it?

    My recommendation is: set yourself some kind of limit. “I give myself two years, else I move elsewhere” or “until my contract renewal comes up” or “until my visa is up for renewal” or “until I feel that my mental wellbeing starts to decline” or whatever. Try until then, and if you’re out of luck then still, go with plan B. This also helps with avoiding resentment and regret later on.

31. Since you said you have been recently divorced, can I suggest you take it easy and heal yourself first? Don’t know how much healing have you been doing, but as someone who got cheated on before, I know it’s a betrayal that hurts and you need to take care of yourself before embarking on a new romantic relationship. Mostly for your safety, because if we make such decisions with a hurt mindset, we can put ourselves into situations we don’t want (toxic relationships, being used…)

    I’m not saying “don’t go on dates”, but put yourself first and go out there without any expectations.

    As a fellow white woman in her 30s, I can understand your struggle. In Japan they like youth, and as white Western women, we sometimes don’t fit what they want in a partner. Nothing bad with that, not a problem with you or with them, just different goals, tastes, and types.

    Also, can I suggest sitting down and actually thinking about what you want in a partner, green/red flags, non-negotiables, and “nice to haves”? Is it him being handsome and artsy a “non-negotiable” or a “nice to have”? Is it “educated” or is it “intelligent, emotionally available, and honest”? Is it a “good job” or is it “responsible with his money and a stable career”?

    As many people have said already, dating here is a numbers game and you have to be aware that as we age the pool of people we find suitable gets reduced. I found that once I was okay with being alone, the pressure I subconsciously gave myself to find a partner, disappeared and I’m much more happy.

32. Your standards are too high and seems like you’re in the wrong country if your trying to find love with your demographic.

33. >(handsome, educated, artsy, liberal hipster with a good job)

    So, I am aware this site is sometimes used by misogynists/incel types, but I’m going to offer it up in good faith because the amount of both women and men I’ve seen who had their mind blown by it is pretty huge. Enter the dating criteria you used for your dating app into this website and see what portion of the male population you are selecting for:

    https://igotstandardsbro.com/

34. Some of these comments are gross but OP wishing you all the best and hope you can find what you’re looking for.

    I don’t have the experience of trying to date as a divorced woman nor in my 30’s to be able to relate with you, but in my own experience (I’ll add in that I was pretty overweight when I was dating, since people keep making comments to you about it) it is very possible to find love in Japan as a western person.

    I dated a couple of Japanese guys before finally meeting my husband; we’ve been happily married a couple years and just had our wedding now that Covid restrictions are done. I think the thing that helped me the most was speaking good Japanese (there aren’t a lot of English speakers where I live so I didn’t bother trying to find someone who can).

    I think it’s important to have some minimal standards and know what you want, but I hope you’re giving lots of different kinds of guys a chance, and not just sticking to a particular list of physical or whatever qualities