I’m sitting on 6 years of marriage and 3 kids with my wife. As the last kid we intend to have heads towards preschool age I’m thinking of ways to get back into a happy, normal marriage that isn’t *just* oriented around childcare.
Does anyone have anything that worked well for them over the years? We get so many unhappy stories I’d like to hear about the successes!
Bonus points if you yourself are a Japanese woman married to a bakagaijin man
37 comments
Whips , power tools, chocolate sauce, and a unlimited supply of feathers.
Not really into the rubber suit thing.
This may not be the response that the OP expects, but after so many years and also after getting older, I have learnt to value small but daily gestures and words to be key to express love. Some examples bellow:
1. Saying “I love you” every day (specially after listening to horror stories about divorce in this subreddit).
2. Stroking her arm or hugging her
3. Saying how she is pretty or how some clothing fits her
4. Thanking her for minor things like cleaning, cooking or taking care of the kid
Communicate about it. I was against this when I was younger but schedule your sexy time. Go look at “things” together. Go on dates. Basically, remind her that she’s beautiful and sexy to you. Also, staying in shape and being positive yourself comes in handy.
Any negative thing she says about her body I usually combat with one, she’s gorgeous and two, that amazing body made our kids which is even sexier to me.
How long were you married before you had kids? Preschool age is still pretty young, they’re all (I’m assuming) under six so that’s pretty time consuming.
Can you swing a half day at work every now and again, or lunch dates? It’s really easy to get into the schlog of “I’m a parent now!” Bentos, homework, uniforms, if you’re cosleeping that’s a hard hit too.
What fun things did you guys do before marriage? Or before kids? Late night out is probably out of the question (but you can float it and see) but even just hanging out in the morning when all the kids are in school and running errands together could juice up that bonding time (plus empty house.) If you have family that can come visit maybe a little local trip away? First trip will probably be lots of anxiety about being away but the more you go the easier it can be.
Also, and this is something you should have already done, talk to your spouse. What does she want? What things would make her happy that you could do?
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
E: [Source dirty jokes room in this adult virtual reality](https://nsfw-ia-reddit.live/reddit)
Take her on a nice regular dates somewhere you both have to dress up, get her nails done etc. Or nice getaways like a cruise or a trip to the ocean side of Japan. Hire a babysitter or have family take the kids. Woo her, get her a new dress and jewellery and make her feel desired and beautiful, do roleplay or cosplay or lingerie if you’re into that.
Many might not agree with me but 5 love languages is a nice tool to figure each other out.
I don’t understand why you would think just because your youngest is about to go to kindergarten that your marriage wouldn’t still primarily be orientated around child care. Your wife’s life is still certainly orientated around child care lol.
For what it’s worth, I think the happiest marriages at your stage in life are the ones that treat the family unit as the most important thing. It’s hard for you to have a marriage that resembles your life before kids, and it’s practically impossible for your wife.
What would a happy marriage at this stage look like for you? What can *you* do to make that happen? And where can you compromise? With kindness, I think it’s going to be a long time before your marriage is not orientated around childcare.
10 years of marriage, 2 kids.
Simply put, we always made time for each other. My wife and I understand and feel that a strong romantic marriage is a key for a successful family life as well. Just because we had kids doesn’t mean we forget about one another. The small amount of time encouraging each other during the weekdays. Date night once or twice a month. Showing some affection in front of the kids (good morning hugs/kisses). Lots of talks before bedtime or when the kids were asleep. Shoulder rubs after a long day at work. Offering to take care of the kids so she can get a day to pamper herself, etc.
Clear communication is key. I think another important factor is how some people (Japanese or not) turn on a hidden switch when they get married and have kids, and an off switch doesn’t really exist.
Wifey and me have been together for 16, married for 13 years now. 2 kids. The smaller one finally goes to elementary school.
Some things I can say:
– Always tell her how beautiful she is. Never accept any claims about white hair or saggy body parts or whatever. (It helps that I truly believe, that she is still very hot.) She may say “yeah, yeah, I know better”, but secretly she is happy.
– I make a point to touch her every time I am near her. Just a short gentle stroke on the back or her hair is enough.
– Sex has been difficult at times, especially when the children were still very small, but things change and sex – at least for us – got better. I sometimes bring new toys, which she always adopts enthusiastically 🙂
– Dates are great. If you can use your grandparents etc. We did that and had very relaxed 3 days without kids just a few months ago. First time after years of parenting, but still great 🙂
Three sproglets makes it difficult…
I have heard that the sexiest creature alive is a husband who does housework. Perhaps once the kids are all in school, you could slip home for a bit of a quickie in the afternoon? After doing the vacuuming, of course.
I’m a married guy (31 years) but only one kid, who has long since fled the nest. Makes things easier for sure to have just one. Kids nap, go out to play, go to their friend’s house, eventually have club activities… all chances to have some alone time. You just have to be flexible.
And, seriously, it doesn’t ALL have to revolve around sex. Just get a couple nice pieces of quality Zacher Torte to enjoy together as a couple when the kids are away. Coffee and cake time in a quiet house is heaven.
Unfortunately a lot of women here slip easily from role to role in life with little thought. Daughter to girlfriend to wife to mother. And not much flexibility in what those roles entail, particularly when their role models (mother and grandmother) are probably rather traditional. It takes time to chip away at that belief and convince your wife that she doesn’t have to be a mother 24/7, that she can still be your girlfriend for and hour or two every once in a while.
It takes encouragement without being pushy. Action over questions. Don’t say, “should I…” , Just do it. Small, interesting, charming ways to make her feel worthwhile and feminine again.
Regular ass slapping helps a lot.
Communication and compromise are the secrets to a long lasting marriage.
After 6 years, you both should know each other’s triggers. As long as they are reasonable, avoid them as much as possible. If they ain’t reasonable, then share opinions and find a middle ground.
In terms of improving the relationship, **date night** once a month. See if you can leave the kids with the in-laws overnight. It will make a world of difference and will give you both something to look forward to every few weeks.
If the kids are young, make sure they are in bed early. Then you can have mini-dates at home in the evening.
Get a bottle of good wine, make a small cheese and cracker/fruit tray, sit close together on the sofa and enjoy a movie on Netflix. Have some “adult time” together. Even an hour at a time if enough- just watch the movie over 2 or 3 nights.
Shower/bath together when the kids are asleep. Doesn’t have to lead anywhere, but just a nice time to get some skin to skin contact. My wife loves it when I shampoo her hair, then if she wants some private time you can both rinse off and you step out while she enjoys the bath tub. A nice way to show you appreciate her.
I don’t have any answers, I’m in a similar boat and am paying attention to this thread! Good luck friend.
Banging at least once or twice a week seems to have kept our bedroom happy.
20 years together 16 married. Two kids now in Elementary and JHS. We (for a long time) have done date days at least monthly. But we have family nearby where we can leave the kids or have GPs come over. I know that’s not possible for everyone… but making sure you can take time for the two of you in some way is important.
Movies at night together after the kids are asleep. Games together. Leave the kids with Grandparents over the weekend and take a trip just the two of you.
Went single. Life is too short for a sexless marriage lol. I’d rather be single and can mingle than be stuck to someone that’s “too tired” or “not now” all the damn time. Life’s been amazing.
Props to you for trying. I gave up after a year of trying to change things up as she didn’t respond to anything. Found a few nonserious girlfriends instead. It’s been fun.
Well after being married for 25 years to the same Japanese lady. I would have to say some of things that works nicely:
1. Try to save as much money as possible each month. It’s tough I know.
2. Find some sitters once or twice a month and take her to dinner and shopping (or whatever she prefers). But just try to spend some time and talk.
3. Hug her daily
4. Help around the house
5. Encourage her to go out with her friends once in awhile.
6. Make sure you are making some time for yourself as well.
7. And lastly bed will happen once in awhile.
Good luck and talking is key.
Reintroduce dating into your schedule. I’m in a very similar situation (2 kids not 3) and only last month we went out all night after putting the kids to bed at grandma’s. Now the kids are old enough to sleepover we realized the last time we had a night only me and her had been almost 6 years and we been married 7, basically as soon as we got the first kid we always had him/them with us. We reintroduced dating 1 full day a month were her mom watches the kids for us and it’s really been something to look forward to and enjoyable.
(Note: try not to use that day to go over the things you normally don’t have time to that may lead to stress/arguments like finances and projects, just go have fun)
We had some very honest, heart-to-heart conversations about what we wanted from each other. Then reached some compromises that we can both live with.
Do some housework.
It depends on the partner.
However the truth is that, in Japan, after having kids, many wives shut down sex and it’s never coming back.
If unfortunately that is the case, don’t despair… it’s totally possible in Japan to stay married and have a good sex life… just not with your wife.
Keep your oar in the water as far as family responsibilities. Any weight you can take of your wife’s shoulders will give her time to think about getting it on.
That’s a great question!
married 8 years 2 kids (both pre-school), we get along fine but no sex. Neither of us can be bothered and it’s difficult when kids sleep with us in the same bed. As sad as this sounds, next time we do have sex though it’ll be to have a third child.
Give her time off from being a mom and let her do things she really wants to do. Being in a relationship with your wife is different from the relationship of father and mother.
If gave support timing children, do a class or hobby together and reconnect with the person before she became a mother
Ahh preschool age. Nothing quite as romantic as your little boy trying to move out of diapers, turning into R fucking Kelly and pissing on everything. 
Not married, but my friends are so I have seen what works for them.
I would say, share the mental load of the house and childcare with her. Do not ask what she needs help with, just look around and be proactive.
After all, when you are dead tired from cleaning and taking care of children, you don’t have the motivation for any sex. Communication is key too. If she is a SAHM she won’t have many opportunities to speak to adults during the day, so you would feel like an oasis. Communicate, be involved and proactive.
Other than that, small gestures that show you care and think about her. Might be silly but some flowers, kiss her hand when hugging, a message during the day saying I love you… Take time for both of you alone to talk, bond and unwind. Either when the kids are sleep, or scheduling a date.
I hope I’m wrong, but I’ve rarely seen differently. Here it is: you’ve completed your duty (good work!) and are now only needed to keep the cash flowing, saving for the minivan, condo, house, and retirement. (Blessed is the man shooting blanks…). You will soon be called “anta” (not even Anata, much less your first name).
Unless she is going to a reunion or something, and your job is to babysit, you are not really needed by her (but the kids know better, so just don’t tell her). You will always be Dad, which you need to hold on to. Take all the pictures you can.
No more shaking the walls, no more lovin’, no more romance, and should you plan an anniversary at a hotel with dinner and champagne, the terror you will face for wasting money that could have been saved will make DTLA a safer place to be than with her in the same room. You will be reminded of that celebration mistake for years. If your kid gets a B among all As, it will be because there was that “celebration distraction” ten years ago, and now your kids will be falling behind at school. If the kids need a bento for school, you can look forward to some leftovers. If not, you will have a 500-yen coin taped to the bottom of your bento box.
Grandma and grandpa will be over with cash and gifts, and you may get a question or two, but you have already contributed to making the kids, so you will be asked to pick weeds or clean the bathtub.
After they graduate high school, getting them through college and finding a good job with others who would make a “suitable” spouse will be her obsession. You should be eating at Yoshinoya less and saving that money for the weddings and grandkids.
As this continues, of course, sleeping distances will increase every year, and your seven minutes of pleasure are unnecessary as housework and counting the cash for your looming retirement is much more important. If you get sick, you’ll be taken to the doctor to be cured quickly so you can get back to work, out of the house, and back to bringing home the bacon.
Of course, this is an exaggeration; most married men will nod with most or all of the content.
But in general, if you expect life before marriage as far as nocturnal activities are concerned, you will probably be disappointed. Sorry, but your fate is kind of sealed already.
There are, of course, some wonderful exceptions where you can expect some semblance of a “normal” married life; those marriages are few and far between. It’s not a surprise the sex industry is a multi-billion industry, but those who ply the trade see the same-aged men come in for the same thing, and they don’t need to ask why. It’s a shame, as it does not have to be this way, but you’ve seen it firsthand.
There is almost no way to turn it around, so there are a few choices. Sorry to be so negative, but it is the most common complaint among Japanese couples too.
Pretty sure the only way is to not have kids but in your situation it’s a bit too late for that
We don’t have kids so our situation might be quite different but I think it ultimately comes down to having the same values and being able to compromise when there are gaps.
For us this means enjoying luxuries we can afford and always enjoying new experiences together like eating at new restaurants or going to countries we have not been to yet
My wife basically told me to lose my belly and get back to how we met. Then it started getting good again. Wish it didn’t take her 4 years to say that though so I could have started earlier.
All the others comment covered it but don’t forget to date your wife still. And let that daily appreciation and gestures show it.
Married 18 years this year Japanese wife. Both Lived in each others countries. Had good times, rough times and tough times.
All I can say is talk to each other about how you feel it won’t be possible all the time but try.
Our son is now 16 and we are both older people now but still try and do things together like going to bars or seeing bands. Things we liked to do when we first met.
There is cultural differences (I am British) but just try and make it work. Sometimes it’s not that hard and comfortable can be good thing.
Bedroom is the hardest part when you have kids to be honest, just be patient and take those moments when you can.
Do more housework or household-related chores. If you’re already doing housework, do more of it. Women in Japan (and a lot of other places) are expected to do it all, even if they have a job.
Figure out ways to give your wife time to do her own thing. Be supportive. This could be figuring out how she can go to the gym or go out with friends, or even how to retrain to launch into a new career.
Regularly and genuinely express your love and gratitude.
Be patient. You may feel like you’re doing everything you can, but sometimes it is going to take a while to feel appreciated. Interpersonal dynamics don’t change easily.
Finally, the reality is that your relationship will be oriented around childcare until high school graduation. And maybe beyond. This is not your wife’s choice. This is parenting. So, while managing to carve time out for your relationship, just understand that parenting is a long haul.
I say this having been married to a Japanese woman for 25 years, having lived for more than a decade in Japan, and having fully embraced the culture (we’re Japanese-first at home here in Canada etc).
EDIT: With division of labour, besides cooking and cleaning and shopping, here in Canada I handle a lot of things that are typically coded as “wife / mother”, such organizing playdates, organizing sports and extra-curricular lessons, banking and bills, booking dentist and doctor appointments.
I could also do any of these things in Japan, but in Japan it is more firmly coded as “wife / mother.” But it’s not just Japan. For example, I am always the parental contact for my kids’ school; my wife is the secondary contact. A few years ago, our son was sick, and the school didn’t contact me. They contacted my wife… who was sitting an engineering exam at a satellite campus outside of town. When I asked the school why they contacted her, they said, “we think it’s best to contact the mother first.”
So, it’s not just Japan.