The local English club leader is a woman in her 80’s who loves foreign people and always hangs out with whoever the current ALT is (we are in a very inaka district so it’s just one ALT). She is really kind and helpful, but as elderly people often do she expects people to do what she wants. Generally this is okay, but it’s been getting bad lately.
She’s a former teacher so she walks into my schools like she owns the place and asks to talk to me. Now, this is fine if the staff know who she is and I’m not busy. However, we have a lot of new staff so they get very confused by the elderly woman busting into the schools and demanding to talk to the ALT. Sometimes she calls to ask when I have classes, other times she just shows up.
Yesterday she called me and said she wants to meet today and I told her I have work in the morning for 文化祭. She says she will come to the school, I once again tell her I’ll be working and the festival is until noon. She says “okay I’ll see you in the morning,” which is of course not where I was going with my statement. So, I get to work and everyone is running around. Welcoming parents, herding students, practicing singing, getting props, etc. As I’m standing in the gym welcoming parents a teacher comes up and tells me she’s looking for me but another teacher is entertaining her now. I explained that she’d called and I told her I would be working, apologizing for the situation. Eventually she finds me and tried to get me to come have a meeting with her immediately, demanding the paper in my hand thinking it’s the program, despite my saying it’s not. Eventually I just show her it’s my lyrics for singing later to prove it’s not the program. She says I’m being too nervous because I have to sing and she will come get me after the PTA chorus, which is of course not the end of the festival. Eventually when the performances were over she said “let’s have a meeting now it’s only five minutes” even though I of course still had work and was in front of everyone. She pulls me into the lunch room and hands me a paper and asks me to come to a party. Honestly why couldn’t this have been a phone call or put in my mailbox. I have plans the day of her party and she wasn’t happy about that, but our meeting ended and I could escape to go wave at students as they leave, one of my favorite things to do.
Earlier this week she showed up at my house 1.5 hours early for English club and despite admitting to being too early WANTED ME TO GO WITH HER RIGHT THEN. I hadn’t even eaten dinner so I said no and she waited outside in her car parked in the street until I finished eating. For reference we both live close to the community center center, so it’s not like she drove a long way and miscalculated. She picked me up 35min early a couple weeks ago and scolded me when I turned on the lights in the classroom before other people arrived. So, just sitting in the dark waiting for people to arrive. The other people in English club were worried when they saw me there really early again (I didn’t want to sit in the dark again so I was reading posters in the main hall).
A couple months ago she came into a classroom while I was teaching. Apparently she did this once to my predecessor as well.
I feel bad saying no to her but this is getting out of hand. Now I’m explaining who she is and how I know her to the new teachers, but in the meantime it’s really embarrassing and troublesome. They sympathize with me when I explain but in the meantime I’m not sure what to do. Any ideas for how to manage an elderly friend acting entitled to your time?
26 comments
I don’t know man, how would you deal with this situation in your home country? Maybe tell her politely to back off?
local English club? Like how local? Like an English club in your town? Just don’t do that anymore.
Welcome to Crazy Old People who are used to getting what they want. As you probably think but will hopefully soon find out, everyone else is sick of her bullshit too. Just say no, straight up awkward and directly confrontational just like everybody says not to do in Protect the Sacred Wa Japan.
“No. I’m not going with you now I will go in one hour. Goodbye.”
It will take several tries before she gets it and EVERYONE will thank you for doing the thing they all CANNOT so you will have her hating you and the entire town loving you.
This will make a really specific fetish manga so please do keep notes.
Learn to say no to all her requests.
Set strict boundaries and don’t give in. Only interact with her at the bare minimum and only if you have no other choice.
I’m no teacher but if she shows up at your school again, maybe you could consult a higher up.
Everything you described sounded like a lady in my inaka town so I thought it was her. However, she doesn’t drive so I guess it isn’t her lol
Tell her straight up to stop coming to your school. Sounds like she is mentally ill.
Hm, that is a pickle. Here is what I would do and say. First, arrange a meeting with her to discuss an important lesson. Emphasize the importance of her being there for the lesson. Second, during the meeting, tell her how appreciative you are of all the things she does (even if you don’t mean it to a degree). This will put her in a relaxed/comfortable state. Now, shift the discussion about being respectful to other people’s time and understanding the situation that she puts people through.
Again, emphasize the appreciation/gratitude of what she does with the time that she has. But politely explain to her that YOU do not have that same luxury. That YOU still have to work and make sure that what you do outside of school does not interfere with work. Also, explain that her actions though appreciated have caused you some unfortunate situations with your coworkers.
If she is reasonable, she will accept the necessary changes. If she isn’t, cut ties with her.
Tell her to get fucked
I’m sure you know how to deal with kids. My guess is that you might want do the same with her, and be adamant. I can guess she has a lot of pride, but it sounds like she has been forcing that for a while.
You need to talk to your supervisors re: the work thing. What would they like you to do? In a truly small town, everybody knows everyone and they might know her backstory. Maybe she’s rich & endowing the town, so everyone wants to stay on her good side? IDK.
But the fact is, your principal and vice principal are not handling it. They are interrupting business to bring her to you. Why is that?
As for your personal time, figure out your boundaries and stick with them. It sounds like she can be very helpful, so it might be worth going to a party once a month . . . .
Unlike money time is something you can’t get back. Never let anyone steal your time.
You have been way too patient and kind. Now, you should start ignoring or being rude to the old bat. She’ll find someone else to haunt so don’t worry about it.
This reminds me of a few old people I knew when I lived in the inaka. No boundaries + lots of free time + usually looking for a substitute child + everyone knowing where I live = me moving back into the city and actually commuting by train to work. Actually, the last part was the worst – it’s really hard to hide where you live in a small community.
How your relationship with the VP or principal? Are they able to stand up to her?
Reminds me of Yoko Ono
If you’ve let it go on for a while it’s always tough. I had a situation once where a group adult class had a woman who would stand up and draw and write stuff on the board. It was always related to her conversation but I let it happen a few times and then after that I took it as a lesson to cut this behaviour off early.
Advice here is sound but it’s always tough when you’re correcting a behaviour you let go for a period of time.
Yeah you need to set strict boundaries, grow a spine, inform your coworkers of said boundaries, and move (why does she know where you live wtf)
Maybe just break all contact with her and call the police that she’s a nuisance.
I’m still reeling at the fact that she just shows up at your workplace and interrupts you and it’s “ok”??? I really can’t believe the management allows that to happen.
If confronting her directly snd sternly is not an option for you then I suggest telling someone at work that you are NOT okay with her actions. They can hopefully pass it up higher and eventually the principal will realize you don’t want to be around her. If you aren’t close with the higher ups at the school now, it’s possible they think you’re the Friendly Foreigner™️ and don’t mind/enjoy her showing up. I really recommend complaining about her to anyone and everyone until someone does something.
Jesus christ I gave up after realizing they want you to sing in the PTA chorus
This is worse than a retiree texting me about SDGs and flowers.
For the showing up at school part, could your Vice Principal intervene on your behalf, telling her that you are working and can’t be interrupted at work?
For the home thing, move and don’t let her know your new address!
Forgive me if I’m wrong but the fact you’re an ALT + your response to this women sounds like you’re young? It gets easier to say no to people as you get older. I’ve been in a similar position in the past and was terrible at declining very, very persistent advances.
My advice might not be great but I’d say you need to set your boundaries if this is beginning to bother you. A super old Japanese lady might not take a blunt foreigner explanation very well, but that would probably work in settling things. If you don’t want to burn that bridge be as persistent as she is with your declines: say no again and again, or find yourself too busy to speak with her again and again until she gets the message.
“I find it concerning that a random person can enter the school and even get into a classroom, should we review our intruder response protocols?”
She’s giving crazy vibes…like if you deny her and tell her to back off you’ll wake up in her house, bound and gagged. The only crazy thing I put up with with regards to elderly people is an old man neighbor behind my apartment that likes to pee in his backyard, so every now and again when I open my curtains I see his mini baby carrot peeing 😵💫
Tell her what you’d say in English. It’s allowed to be rude here too if need be. Focus on getting results, then only later worry about your choice of words. Yamete is good.
Tell her that as a former teacher, she should understand how her constant interruption are detrimental to the classroom.
Clearly being indirect and saying stuff like “I’m working then” hoping she gets the hint isn’t enough. You have to start saying “No, I can’t.” “No, I’m not available then.” “No, I’m busy.” “No, I don’t want to.” “Stop coming to my house.” “You’re too early, come back at X time.” repeatedly until she gets the message. Don’t give platitudes or roundabout reasons to justify not accommodating her. Just be straight. She’s 80, she can handle it.
I know people say this is the land of indirectness, but it doesn’t work on people who are determined to take up all of your time. You have to be clear when necessary. You can’t give them the “Well technically you didn’t say no…” wiggle room. They know you’re young and foreign and have been told when in Japan to defer to elderly people and are counting on being able to take advantage of that.
I know it’s tough, especially as the newbie in a tight-knit rural community, but it’s the only thing you can do. She might be annoyed for a while but it’s better than you and everyone around you being annoyed indefinitely. Be the first ALT to break the chain, your successors will be grateful… lol.