So my wife is in an extremely well-paying job, over sen man a year, in an international pharmaceutical company and she talks to overseas clients a lot, but she’s glued to her job and I guess I’m jealous and lonely that I don’t get enough attention.
She’s mostly remote work, so she is home but takes the, I’m working, don’t speak to me approach (in her room)
I work from 7:30 till 3ish, home around 4ish and she finishes a 6 but often works till 8 pm and is extremely tired afterwards. (I make her dinner at 6:30 and she comes and eats it quickly and goes back to work)
We have a cat but because she works from home he’s mostly in her room and doesn’t come out till she’s finished work. I would like his company but it just doesn’t happen.
Even this morning she’s like, corporate in America replied last night so I need to work a bit and I admit it frustrated me.
I have no one in Japan apart from her so sometimes I think why am I here when my family was very tight nit back home.
We do do things on the weekends and holidays but weeknights are mostly a no-no.
Am I being childish? How can I change this bad way of thinking?
Thanks.
Edit. Thank you everyone. I am reading your responses but there’s a lot to reply to. I’m taking note of what everyone has said.
42 comments
You are not being childish OP. I personally could not live with a partner like that, regardless of the money. But unfortunately this does not really sound like something you can easily solve other then asking her to set some work/life boundaries.
Things like not working on weekends, holidays etc. The problem is, we do not hear her side and if work is always on her mind and not being able to respond to e-mails on a Saturday makes her stressed, its going to cause friction in your relationship either way you go.
The best next step is to realize your feelings are legitimate and talk to your wife about it and see if she can find a middle ground with you and be able to balance her life without causing too much trouble for her corporate life.
This sounds really rough. It’s definitely reasonable, and recommend, to have a sit down discussion with your wife about this. Hopefully you can find some sort of compromise, like always having specific hours off in the morning or night, or specific “no work” days.
In the meantime, you should find some friends outside your house. If your only emotional support is your wife, you’re really vulnerable in cases where she needs to be out of commission for long periods of time. Try and join some kind of local activities or find a simple part time job of your own to meet people, and start building a friend group of your own!
I wish you the best!
With your wife as busy as she is, how did you both first meet, and get together?
Perhaps approach it like work? Schedule your dates, with time boundaries disallowing her to work during those times? As much as she loves her work, try to frame it like a short break from work (for her) with you.
Start small… 3h or so on an evening… then try to expand it perhaps 6h-8h on a weekend, to 12h-24h perhaps once a month; and if that works, slowly progress up to a full weekend (48h) every other month or three.
Take turns to decide what to do… one day is yours, the next is hers. Or make a list together, and roll a die to decide what’s next.
It might be a good idea for you to join some clubs or groups in order to meet new people and get some friends. It’s not healthy to only have one person in your life to depend on for all of your social interactions.
Also having a “I’m working don’t speak to me approach” isn’t a bad thing, it just means she’s working lol. Being about to focus on your work is a good thing and she’s right to want you to not disturb that.
Childish imo… But talk to hear. Assuming she starts a bit later than you and is done by eight pm puts her right in line with most normal office workers, not even japanese salary man. Also weekends and holidays off is a lot better than what bug japanese companies offer in higher positions (and us companies)
Not doing stuff on most weekdays is also quite normal, at least among my friends
Before everyone starts saying “get a divorce”, I’d say, if she finds it difficult to find time for you, keep yourself busy until she’s free. Get a hobby, do something you love. Don’t make her your ONLY source of happiness.
Get some hobbies and make some friends mate, shouldn’t be relying solely on 1 person for social output. Yeah your wife’s working a lot and that’s kinda sad but you can’t just mope about and get angry about it. Play some games, go to the gym etc.
Asking her to work less probably isn’t going to work. I know the type, I’ve met tons of them here in Japan. They complain that they have too much work and that they are tired from working, and spend most weekends just recovering from fatigue accumulated over the week working. But they never change, they won’t change their job, won’t refuse working overtime. Work is priority number 1.
So your best bet is…anything but asking her to work less.
Make new friends, find a hobby, do exercise. Maybe shes busy now, but she wont be busy forever. If you are stubborn about it now, and she decides to take time from work to be with you, maybe in a few years, when shes not busy anymore but couldnt get the position she wanted, she will blame it on you.
You need to get some friends. You should have friends that aren’t your wife. You could start going to shows, or become a regular at a bar, or join a club or circle, start taking lessons, become a volunteer, etc.
It’s not fair to your wife for her to be responsible for 100% of your social life. And I hope she goes out with her friends once in a while, too.
From my point of view, this is pretty cool. My kid is two years old now and it’s rare to get big blocks of time to myself to just do what I want. For example, I’ve watched only one movie in the last month and I’ve not played a Switch game for two years. If you’re planning on having kids, id say you better make the most of it.
Fully remote and on over 10 mil a year, I’d say she enjoys her job. You however sound like your on a fraction of that and feel a bit worthless in comparison? Can’t even get the cats attention!
I’d say enjoy being a kept man and get back to your anime. Or you know, try living a functional life and having friends/colleagues you like and a career you can enjoy.
Honestly sounds a bit childish. Communicate your problems with her, but it’s not that uncommon in Japan to work these types of hours, even at home. My spouse works similar if not later hours and it is what it is.
Find some friends, find some hobby you like, and invest in bettering yourself. Relying all your happiness on one person isn’t a good idea and can lead to resentment (which sounds like the trajectory you’re on). It’ll be alright man. When you talk to her let her know your feelings without putting the blame on her.
Good luck!
You’re being too clingy/needy and childish. But that’s just my opinion. I’m sure plenty in a similar situation will say you’re being reasonable.
If she gets off at around 8pm, always has weekends and national holidays free and gets a good salary, that doesn’t sound too bad.
If she’s as busy at work as you say, the only thing getting mad will accomplish is her having more stress. Not only does she have to worry about work but now a needy grown up demanding her time.
The issue is as you mentioned, you not having any friends/things to do without her. You’re probably projecting that on some level to her. Before you go nuclear and demand her to make sacrifices, why don’t you try to build up a network of friends and a social life? Something you could do after work. This’ll definitely help you overall.
Best of luck.
I usually play video games and drink strong zero in the evenings when my wife is doing extra work at home. That’s after I do all the house chores and put the kids to bed. She doesn’t earn as much as yours but well over double my salary so I’m thankful for that.
I wouldn’t say it’s childish but also expecting her to both support you financially and be the only source of your social output can be rough for her.
I’d talk to her about it and see what you can do. Tell her your concerns and grow as a couple. I also work long hours, but my partner is very supportive. Sometimes we have chats scattered throughout the day and other days I’m just too busy. On those days he’ll send me memes on social or just grab me lunch. It’s the little interactions that are great in a situation like that.
In any case, best of luck and I hope you two come out better for it.
my partner is similar and there’s two side to this.
First, communicate. Both ways. Set specific times that you both can spend together and it’s not acceptable for work to happen unless explicit permission is asked first. Mine’s mealtime, trips and to some extent weekends. You seem to have weekends too so that’s good. (edit to clarify) this does mean outside the agreed times she can work however much she wants. Remember. both ways (end edit)
And second is yourself. Get a hobby, find friends, do a side project, go out. Your wife is doing something she likes. You can too.
Can you change your work schedule to a 9 to 6 instead of a 7 to 4?
Then maybe with your timelines being more aligned you’ll have more time together, either in the morning or night.
I definitely agree with the folks that say you should find something that you are passionate about to enjoy being on your own. BUT it sounds like there is more to it than just your wife working a lot. What you seem to lack is a feeling if community most of all and being with your wife fills this gap, so I am not sure a hobby will be all you need. Maybe try and find some social contacts and build a social network of your own that resembles the community you had back home. Meetup is a great app to find both local and expat groups that meet up on a regular basis and often they share certain hobby’s or activities that they can join in together (squash, hiking, board games – you name it). If you want to meet more local people, community centers are an amazing resource. They offer classes and casual meetups to meet and socialize with people in your area. If language is not an issue you could even volunteer there as often one is more involved in the whole community when actively participating in those things (and it also has the side effect of doing something good and feeling good about that). I hope this may help a bit 🙂
Not even the cat? Absolute betrayal lol. I’d feed the cat snacks and at least try to get the cat on my side.
But jokes aside, how old are you guys? Any plans to have kids?
Like you could think of it like your wife is powering through while she can to make you guys a bunch of money so you don’t have to work so hard when you have kids. Or for retirement if you guys don’t plan on having kids.
But talk to your wife about it. It’s ok for men to want affection too man. No shame in that. I’d feel lonely if my wife worked until 8pm every day too.
To be honest finishing at 20h doesn’t sound bad at all and I wouldn’t call her a workaholic. Sounds like a regular corporate job for an international company.
Spiderman-Man 2 just released. Buy a big ass OLED 4k TV and a PS5 with her money and enjoy your free time during weekdays. Find a clan in Destiny 2 and start raiding with the boys.
Enjoy your time together when she is available and find ways to enjoy your time by yourselff when she is working or doing her own stuff.
How is it on the weekends? Do you get along well? If so, it’s probably just the responsibilities of her job which she very well may like and take very seriously.
It’s pretty normal for well-paying corporate jobs. It can get out of hand too. You are not corporate, correct?
I sometimes have to tell my wife to put her phone down or to “wrap it up”. We are both corporate though so I understand.
One suggestion – we try to take a day off about 1x per month together. Or you can do izakaya night one day a week. Maybe see if she can block out her after 6PM one night per week.
Let’s recap the facts.
1. Your wife is working what would be relatively normal hours in Japan (morning to 6pm with a couple of hours of overtime from time to time, and a bit of work on weekends from time to time).
2. While working she’s unavailable – and this would be normal if she was working in an office.
3. She’s making good money.
If she was a man these would all be absolutely normal. Nobody would blink at this sort of hours, schedule, or the expectation that their work from home office space be respected.
In short, your wife is not a “workaholic” based on what you’ve written here. She’s just working.
Now I’m not invalidating your feelings here. I get that you’re frustrated, and want to spend more time with her (and the cat), but I think that stepping back and reviewing the facts is important.
What it looks like is that you want your wife to work less. But if you start that conversation from “you’re a workaholic” you’re not going to get anywhere, because let’s face it – she isn’t. Is she working a full day like a man? Yes. And this is where you need to sit back for a bit and examine your feelings and expectations.
What is it that you expect from her? Because until you have answered that question you’re going to be blundering into a conversation where you don’t know where you’re going.
Maybe you want children and you don’t see how that is possible with her current schedule? Is that the issue here?
Do you want her to reduce her hours? Are you prepared for the drop in income that will bring? Would she even want that, or does she find her current job satisfying and stimulating?
Do you just want to see the cat in the afternoons?
What precisely do you want and expect here? Because the real issue here isn’t that your wife is a “workaholic”. She’s working relatively normal hours. The real issue here seems to be that you expect her to be doing something different, but you haven’t articulated it very well here, and I strongly suspect you can’t articulate it to yourself either, and you’re setting yourself up for a fight that’s going to result in your wife asking you, “What do you want me to do?!” about 30 minutes in, and you’re not going to be able to answer that question.
Think about it. If necessary find a good psychologist to sit down with and talk it out. You’re not short on money, so that’s an entirely reasonable option.
But until you can answer this question of what you expect your wife to be doing, and what your relationship expectations are, then strongly suggest that you take a step back from labelling your wife a “workaholic” and putting the blame on her for this. First sort out your own feeling and expectations. Then talk to your wife. And again a good couples counsellor can be your friend here, moderating the discussion and helping it to avoid spiralling out of control.
You do things together on the weekends and holidays, sounds like most couples really. Just find something to do in the in between times.
Personally, I would sit down with her and explain the situation, as well as whether or not our connection has soured as a result of this lifestyle. Try to improve the situation if both parties value the relationship. Ask her what her long-term and short-term goals are, and tell her what yours are as well. What can we achieve as a family rather than as individuals. Try to assimilate all of the talk and options to determine if you can make it or not. Otherwise, it isn’t worth it.
If you are simply lonely and bored, try picking up a hobby, play some games and making new acquaintances. Example: Gym.
If your 20s are fine, the point at which your career begins to take off after you reach your 30s should be to ease down and enjoy life.
With your wife: set up a regular get-out-of-town day, whatever works for both of you, be it onsen or hiking mt. Fuji. That would allow her to unplug and you two to reconnect.
During the day, find ways to be sexy during your limited interactions, so that you’re on each others’ minds.
Beyond that, I’m sure she’d really appreciate it if you had aspirations of your own, went out and did whatever you need to accomplish those.
This is pretty common during the week for a lot of people. I would suggest one of the following:
Get a side hustle
Follow a sports team(s)
Get some friends
Get a hobby
Join a gym
There’s endless things you could be doing with your time. Think yourself lucky that you can enjoy time on the weekends. I would argue you’ve got it bloody good if you’re getting home from work at 4pm. I would personally be working on qualifications if I were you.
Alot of people are probably going to coddle you on here. Truth is you need to man up, get a hobby, get some friends, maybe learn a little Japanese if you can’t communicate, and try to do nice things with her on her days off and when she isn’t tired. No woman I’ve ever come across likes clingy men, it’s a turnoff.
I’m the same as your wife, even though I don’t earn as much…
I have the highest salary + we have 2 small kids.
How large is the gap between you guys salaries?
I’m remote like your wife and I care of bringing and picking up the kids from daycare. I also do the laundry at lunch instead of taking a real break and eat in 5 mins.
I have a stressful job too and barely have the time to pee because of constant meetings.
But I feel the pressure very much because I’m the one getting the highest salary and I feel like the need to save up a lot for our retirement + our kids universities fees etc.
My biggest fear is that they don’t study because they don’t want/don’t have the money. Whereas I could go for free at uni in my home country because my parents were poor, that’s not gonna happen here.
So as that kind of wife I think you should first talk with your wife about your feelings. Not on a weekday obviously…
My husband comes back home at 19 so he doesn’t feel lonely per se, but he does feel bad that I’m always exhausted, like you. He understands my wish to get as much experience as possible to change for a better job though so he doesn’t « push » me too much.
However he’s making things easier for me once he arrives home. For example he bathes the kids, he puts them to bed, he washes the dishes… on the weekend we clean all the house 50/50 so that it finishes in like 1h and then we’re free to play or go out with the kids to change air.
So I would say, if it’s not the case already, to ask her what you could do to help her so that she’s less tired and have more time for you guys?
Also could you start working one hour later so that you come back one hour later too eventually?
Do you have stuff you like to do that you could do more until she finishes work?
What are you doing? Do you work? It seems like you’re saying you don’t.
As someone who works a job with American corporate overlords – “APAC-friendly” is a complete fucking lie when it comes to jobs at these places. By “friendly” it means “you’ll likely be awake”, not “it’s during reasonable work hours for you”. If your wife doesn’t work those hours, best case she’ll be passed over for someone more connected, worst case… well.
It’s absolutely understandable for you to resent the situation, but I doubt your wife necessarily enjoys it either.
I think having a clear talk about not just your frustrations, but also how she might feel about it, is the way to go here. It sucks for both of you, but that’s all the more reason to try and take on the challenge as a team. How you ensure that there’s time for closeness and intimacy throughout the day, week, month, year is a big challenge that both you and your wife need to take seriously.
The only thing I would caveat here is, try not to demonize her job and career. It’s no doubt taken her a lot to get to where she is, and she has a right to be proud of and attached to it – and perhaps more importantly, positioning yourself against it won’t lead to anything productive.
“I have nobody in Japan apart from her” ← I think I have identified the source of the problem
If you already recognise the need to act more mature then I think you know that this is something you need to address on your end. 8pm really isn’t that late. Even in the UK with slightly more sane working hours that would be a pretty common time to get home with commuting factored in.
Find something to do in the time before she’s free. Go for a run, join the gym, get a PS5 etc.
Your self worth is low because you make less and have less to do. Improve your self worth do more work after 4pm
You need a hobby my guy
You sound way too clingy. She works from home, so you see her at dinner and she’s right there the whole day, just not giving you her attention. Do your own stuff. Then make the most of the time you do have together.
Far out you are a joke; get a better job and earn some cash for your family. She is not even working crazy hours, she’s working normal high achiever hours.
My girlfriend (gaijin) whinges about my hours sometimes both back home and here in japan – while at the same time talking about her dreams of home ownership, holidays and so on. It drives me nuts sometimes.
And fuck me you are jealous of the cat? Guess he knows who buys the food and has no interest in the spare human.
I hope this is bait
Yes, you sound childish. You should have had some friends and hobbies BEFORE getting married and not rely solely on your wife to meet your emotional needs. Sort your own life first and then talk to her.
Lmfao get a hobby or something. Good lord
As a woman in Japan earning 1000 man I am in a similar position with having to keep phone in hand at nights and weekends. The money helped us pay for a wedding, buy a house and fund my maternity leave all in a couple of years. The pay off is the hours and responsibilities not being 9-Weeknights are out if the question. But the money funded so many important things so my husband is supportive.
If your wife likes her job and you like the lifestyle it affords you then please support her. And I would recommend you build your network of friends and hobbies to give you an outlet and social life while she is busy and then set up days with her on weekends.
I hope you find that network and friends out there!
It would be unreasonable to cut into her working time just because your schedules differ. Imagine if she showed up to your workplace at 1:30 and pulled you away – how might that impact your work? Basically, you need to find something enriching to do with your spare time until your wife is finished.
Your wife is working a VERY standard schedule for Japan, but is lucky to have a great salary and a decent number of remote working days as well. It’s no wonder she works hard for a job like that! You have a job that releases you very early, which is also a great benefit. You could really get into some interesting hobbies or projects with that extra time! I suggest looking into some activities that could get you connected with your local community as well – stuff like cultural activities, dance, sports, or even language exchange. You could make some good friends that way.
Also, isn’t it possible to delay dinner until after she’s finished working so you can enjoy a relaxed meal together? That’s what my partner and I do. We consider it really important to have at least one shared meal where we can eat slowly while we talk and share. So if one of us is likely to be working until 8 or 9, we communicate that ASAP during the day so the other can get something going (and have a little in between snack), and we eat when both are available to sit down to a relaxed meal. (It’s fine to reheat! I usually try to make something that stands up well to/won’t look yucky after reheating.) If we’re both working late, one of us gets takeout on the way home and we still have a sit-down meal. This is one compromise I think you could implement right away. Just make sure to stock some healthy-ish snacks (nuts, cut veggies with dip, etc.) in the house to tide you both over until work ends.
Good luck!!
Hello Yoshuku, I think it is natural to feel the way that you do. And, if I were you I would use those feelings for something productive.
(1) If your wife happens to be ‘Japanese’ I highly recommend using most of your free time and feelings for your wife to for intensive Japanese language immersion and study. One, even if your wife can speak English well she may still feel more relaxed in her own language and two when your wife comes home from (or finishes) her international job she may be tired of using and thinking in English. This was true of my wife. My wife worked for a Bōekigaisha(貿易会社) /International Trading firm and when she got home she was exhausted from translating, speaking in English language and deal with intercultural issues. Using English with me would have meant that she could not escape from work.
(2) If you haven’t already casually ask your wife (or find out in round about way) what kinds of things she really wishes she could do around the house or wants to be done around the house. Then without telling her surprise her by doing all of those things.
(3) Think about a lot of the great advice given on this thread, already
Good luck!