Oh man, is it uncomfortable.
I’m going to give the background really quick, but the TL;DR is that my kid got hurt by another kid 3 times. If you don’t want to wade through the whole story then skip to the APOLOGY STARTO
My 4 year old is a really well-behaved kid, and he loves his preshool class and teachers. I’ve done sit ins a few times and one other kid always caught my eye: the class wild child.
I’ve taught preschoolers before so I’m quite familiar with the class wild child but this kid is definitely on the wilder end–one of the visits I had, the other 27 kids were sitting in a circle while he ran and dove from one end of the room to the other, making sure to break up the cirlcle as much as possible.
Whenever I ask my kid about him, he says they often play together, and he likes him so I never thought much of it but one day my kid comes home with long sratches up and down his arms.
Apparently Wildchild-kun wanted a toy my kid had and when he couldn’t take it from him he clawed my kids arms. This is pretty normal toddler behavior in my experience and I know our school handles these things pretty well so I just told my kid, you did nothing wrong but next time be safe and go to the teacher if he tries to take a toy from you. My 4 year, old being the kind, well-behaved, attentive boy that he is completely ignored this and we got incident #2.
I come to get my kid from school and he’s not there. Turns out he’s in the nurse’s office and his head teacher (who is like 27-ish, so a little younger than me) comes out with a look on her face. Wildchild-kun had grabbed my son’s face and ripped, less than a cm from his eyeball, leaving pretty nasty scratches around the eye.
APOLOGY STATO
So this woman, who is close enough in age to me that we could have ahd classes together, looks me in the eyes and gives the whole low-bowing super apology (本当に申し訳ございませんでした）, all without ever breaking eye contact and holding this sad look on her face. I looked back and nodded and said I’ll talk about it with my wife, because at this point I’m a little upset and pretty nervous about his eye. She apologizes again, all without ever breaking eye contact. Just holding it, long and hard. and long.
Anyway, next day I go in the morning to drop boyo off and now I have Wildchild-kun’s grandmother apologizing to me the exact same way. Full eye contact, sad face, deep bow, still holding eye contact, saying a bunch of stuff about how sorry they all are, still holding eye contact, etc.
All the while I have no idea what to say.
I go upstairs and my kid has 3 teachers. Well, teacher number 2 comes over and gives me the deep stare-into-the-abyss-of-my-soul apology too, then teacher 1 comes over again and does the same thing again!
I come home to my wife and ask her what the hell you say in these situations and she doesn’t know either lol. We both agree it’s horribly uncomfortable though.
Anyway, a couple weeks later Wildchild-kun takes offense to something my son did and throws a train toy into his eye and honestly? After we made sure he was OK and not too upset my wife and I looked at each other and groaned because we knew the apologies were coming
So we get these horribly awkward apologies (with gifts this time!) from:
1. Teacher #1, who really looks like she is about to cry
2. Teacher #2
3. Grandma
4. Dad
5. The principle
6. The nurse
All in a row btw. I thought it would never end. I know what color their eyes all are now btw (they’re all brown) and I think I got a glimpse into each of their souls.
In conclusion, getting apologized to in Japan is horribly uncomfortable.
EDIT: For the record, I am not complaining that I got apologized to and I did thank everyone for their apologies. I’m just sharing how uncomfortable it was for me and my wife. She had it even worse because it was her pickup day when dad came by and so she sat in a room with him and two teachers to discuss it (although actually, she got to say her piece so I am a little jealous)
EDIT2: I really appreciate the concer you guys are showing for my kid! For the record, the school and the father/grandparents have all explained to us how they will adress the situation in the future so I don’t want to make the school look bad here.
EDIT3: I think I did a poor job of making it clear that I *did* respond to each apology with a head bow and a thank you or and I understand. It’s not like I completely froze up. My whole point with this was just that it was awkward and my wife also found it awkward. I really hate that the top 2 comments are acting like I was super weird about it when I responded very normally to each apology–I just hated it.
37 comments
I’m sorry about your kid but doesn’t the awkwardness actually stem from you? Of course people are going to be nervous when making an apology but they were waiting to see your response and, when they got nothing, they had no idea what to do.
Hold their stare and tell them to do their best to prevent it from happening again. Doesn’t need to be that weird. Seeing as a child could have been really injured if it had hurt the eye, they should be apologizing. And they also never know when the parent might go off on them so they gotta play it safe and apologize deeply like that. You get some crazy parents so they can’t afford to be lax about it.
Yeah super minor things would happen to my kid at hoikuen and every time the sensei would deeply apologize I was just like it’s ok it’s not a big deal lol. I’m talking like, she got a tiny, faint like 3mm scratch from a friend (toddlers) accidentally, or she fell down and there literally wasn’t even a mark.
Maybe some parents are crazy and get upset about stuff like that so they have to apologize so deeply for literally nothing but it was always weird and awkward to me
Also if you think that’s uncomfortable, once I got chikan’d, reported it and everything, the man confessed and I had to go to the police station where him and his WIFE were there waiting for me. Not only did he apologize, but his WIFE was there crying and apologizing deeply with the whole bow and everything, multiple times. I kept telling her to stop apologizing, she didn’t do anything wrong
Interesting, every time someone has apologized to me in Japan it doesn’t feel genuine in all honesty. I am yet to experience such a deep stare into your soul type apology
Wow, that does sound awkward. I think all you can do is accept the apology as graciously as possible, while making sure that steps are being taken to prevent further incidents.
I also have an awkward apology story ahaha:
I was asked to substitute at another school because the usual teacher called in sick. One of the students was surprised that I wasn’t her usual teacher and said so (not rudely, something to the effect of: “excuse me, where is Teacher-sensei?”). I apologized, said that I was the substitute, and introduced myself cheerfully. Following that, we had a nice, ordinary lesson, and I thought that was the end of it…
Fast forward to the following week, when the student shows up at my usual school with a HUGE gift basket and a veritable apology essay. “Dear Teacher, I deeply apologize for my rudeness last week. I am humbly grateful to have received your lesson and thoroughly regret my behavior…”
All I could do was listen, nod, and smile while trying to figure out what she could possibly be referring to.
Apologies don’t mean anything if the problem is not fixed/solved. Scratches or something, that would be something to be annoyed about and sternly talked to. But this is your kid’s eyes you’re talking about.
One wrong ‘accident’ and there is permanent damage. Protect your kid and demand they actually do something about this behaviour or severe consequences will come.
sucks for you and your family, hope your lad is okay.
accept the apology with a simple thank you
BUT you should be asking for solutions and promises.
have you tried some pissed off direct questions, it’s totally appropriate at this stage?
Can your son go up a grade? Is WKC only targeting your child?
Wildchild-kun may be lacking the self control to safely interact with peers.
And why his grand mother? unless she is the guardian I’d expect a parent to front up.
Might be WCK is undisciplined at home so brings that to school, but that’s the schools problem primarily. Get pissy for your son’s and other kids sake.
good luck.
I don’t know when this happened, but there was a huge news 5 or 6 days ago of a boy at a nursery falling with a tweezer in his hand and the tweezer stabbed his eye and the boy got brain injury. This became a whole issue because apparently the parents or the grandparents of the kid was very adamant that the nursery take responsibility for what happened. So, there is a possibility that the nursery is being overly cautious not to anger you. Of course, I might be totally wrong about it, but just a thought.
I’m a Japanese (59F) and I might sound harsh but I would stop short of the principle’s apology and ask him/her what they would do to prevent future incidents. 『謝罪はもうよくわかりました。今後この状況に対してどのように対策をされるのかについて教えてください。私の見たところ◯君は日常的に授業の妨害になっているようですが、これについては今後どのように対応されるおつもりでしょうか。休憩時間に起こり得る今回のような暴力についてはどのように防いで行かれるおつもりですか？』
Apologies are just words. Sometimes it’s a cheep solution to avoid complicated situations. You must have some ideas how to deal with this situation from the caretakers point of view. Why don’t you suggest something constructive? You don’t have to just quietly and accept their apologies. Apologies do nothing to change the situation. You all need to sit down and talk (apparently your wife did. I hope it went well). You can show your anger and desperate need for them to do something about this. If they only apologize and offer no constructive plan, I would change the preschool.
Honestly, over the past few years Ive seen kids get worse and worse. Japanese parents really have no sense of discipline it seems. At least not until something really bad happens. They let kids (especially boys) run wild with no control over them. Kids are surprised when they go to school and suddenly face rules and structure. (something every school will have) Ive seen kids freak out at this and try their hardest to get out of it. Whats crazier is that some parents actually listen to their kids and pull them out of the school. Ive heard and seen some crazy shit over the years here. I have to wonder if the same thing is happening in the west right now. (im out of touch since ive been here over 20 years)
Not sure how long you have been living in Japan but after a while you should have developed a sort of mental shield towards apologies
if my kid would get hurt 3 times in a row I would love to see all those parents to suffer from those apologies. If they can’t handle their crazy kids they should get this lesson.
You can’t control what the other family and kid’s situation is, but you CAN ask the teachers to present a plan to you on how to prevent further accidents involving your son again.
Don’t be afraid to be firm. You can be firm, strong-worded and still be reasonably polite and right. They are clearly not thinking about the inner classroom balance if your boy is catching trains to the face.
今度からこういう事を防ぐために提案教えていただけますでしょうか。
Don’t use my exact Japanese, I am sure it’s kind of ass, but get something like that across. You want to hear a plan from the teachers on how they will reasonably stop your kid from catching trains to the face. You can even say あやまりより皆さんと協力して安心な教室を作りたいと思います。 or again…that but in better Japanese.
Yeah you may feel like a “claimer” or whatever, but the little dude is catching trains to the eye!
I’ve seen enough j-dramas to know that style apology is not normal. They’re supposed to get down dogeza on all fours, cry uncontrollably, and beg. Then you leave them for the handsome younger guy in the office anyway.
> Wildchild-kun’s grandmother apologizing to me the exact same way. Full eye contact, sad face, deep bow, still holding eye contact, saying a bunch of stuff about how sorry they all are, still holding eye contact, etc.
That family REALLY has a thing for eyes! gateway to the soul they say.. Also, during her deep bow did you slide down onto the floor under her? Because otherwise she’s a contortionist..
> Wildchild-kun takes offense to something my son did and throws a train toy into his eye
OK. At this point I’m sending my kid there wearing safety goggles each day!
7. Have you considered a leash?
I am mostly concerned about the trauma this may be causing your son. Is there another classroom he can be moved to?
I think you were missing an apology from the culprit himself. If my kid did something like that I would definitely have him do the full ojigi, even at the age of four!
I think you did fine doing nothing. Nothing more awkward than getting the stink-eye when your kid could have very easily suffered permanent damage and/or scarring.
I think that is why you got so many apologies, they were like “damn homie is PISSED,” gave it some thought and realized yeah this shit needs to never happen again. This being Japan everyone shared responsibility from teacher to grandma and it’s their way of showing they will make an utmost effort to see this doesn’t happen again.
I mean as a kinder teacher here I had to go out and bow my head with the principal when kids forgot their hat in my classroom and I didn’t notice in time before they left. I can imagine the level of dogeza if a kid scratched up someone’s face on my watch after previous warnings
It’s just an expected performance and the bigger the performance, the better it is received. Performance or not, it does show that they care enough to act it out for you.
About 16 years ago when my kid was in preschool, I picked her up from school and her t-shirt collar was all stretched out. I asked, she didn’t really answer and the next day the same thing. On day three she said her classmate would pull on her collar even after she asked her not to. I told the school the classmates name, but it didn’t stop. Eight ruined t-shirts later and I just walked up to the mom as she was walking to the car with the t-shirt collar ruiner and told them it needed to stop. The next day, the school was deeply apologizing to the mom outside, like they timed it for me to see and the t-shirt terminator was crying. I was sternly told to only talk to the school about my problems. RIP to those eight t-shirts.
Personally, I would tell them that I don’t care too much about apologies at that point and rather ask what they will do to prevent such incidents in the future. Saying sorry is easier than doing something about it.
Who knows what the 4th incident might be. Better to take effective measures
Reading this made me cringe because I can understand how awkward it is lol
True Story Time: When my oldest was in jr. high, four other boys got caught teasing him by shooting at his legs with an airsoft gun. School had a sit-down with the students, their parents, and us.
So after hearing it all out, it’s my turn to speak… I just looked at each boy and then to the group and said.” You’re too young to cop a beating from me, so if I ever hear that you’ve done anything to my son like this again, I’ll come to your house and beat the shit out of your dad.
Shocked silence. I took my wife and son and left. No apology, but he was never teased for the rest of his time in grade school.
My youngest son is 196cm and about 110kg, so he never got teased…
You stand firm and tell the people apologising, how you feel about the situation!
Aka: this isn’t acceptable! Please make sure this doesn’t happen again!
This is the 3rd incident! I may need to go to the school board, because my child is being out at risk!
I don’t think your response to the situation is firm enough! They all seem to know, that as long as they bow! You seem to let it go.
Apologies are just appeasement theater here. I straight up tell people I don’t need an apology I need things fixed/sorted/improved.
Well, you have learned your lesson: bad people are bad, but people complaining about bad people or enablers are even worse
I don’t have kids and have no idea how I’d deal with this but I’m curious tho, shouldn’t they be responsible for any medical related fees?
Unless literally just a scratch that needed some distilled water.
Part of me wonders if the intense eye contact is they heard foreigners make eye contact in formal situations which ends up with people staring into your soul. Sometimes when students are making speeches they stare into my soul and I feel wildly uncomfortable but try to maintain eye contact.
Also, hope your kiddo is doing okay :(. Buy him some ice cream (or whatever his favorite thing is) on our behalf.
You’re a good writer! I’m sorry you and your son had these terrible experiences. But it was entertaining to read.
I don’t think not being able to say anything to the teachers is being kind and well-mannered. It’s being more of a push over. I hope that’s not the road your kid goes down to because otherwise he seems nice, doesn’t mean he should be able to just take stuff from people and not say anything to the teachers or protect himself in a way
I had an older kid on a bike crash into my 4yo daughter in Australia and that was awkward enough. His dad kept following us and apologising and making his kid apologise. My daughter was shy so we both just wanted them to leave and forget about it.
I have heard of similar events where its basically kids being kids but gets a bit out of hand or an injury is worse than a scratch, and the victims parents will go scorched earth on the school. I know of a boy who pushed another kid off his seat while on the bus. After a ton of meetings the other kids parents demanded that pushing boy not be allowed to take the bus home anymore. The school gave in to them so his parents have to go and pick him up every day.
Part of this is just the Japanese way of over the top apologies but another part is that schools seem to be terrified of parents these days.
Dude just worry about your kid. Everything else is frivolous…
My rough Japanese version, たまにはそいう事が起こるけど、その問題を解決するために、もっと積極的な行動を取ってください。
Try this out if it happens. Granted by the 3rd or 4th time, I’d be pretty angry. You can express your opinion on the matter. Being polite is Japanese is the base. You can still be critical and polite. No need to pull out a valley girl accent or go Jersey Shore on them.
> Dad
Well, if he’s still walking around with bowels intact, he probably wasn’t all that sorry.
So many odd ducks here. This is all very normal.
Me personally, I really like when my inferiors bow their heads in shame at me or even better 正座 with their head on the ground. No details, but basically lazy cops made a guy I wanted to press charges against get on his knees and grovel and apologize. Would’ve been hot if I wasn’t staring at a bald kuso jiji head.
OP there is no need to feel embarassment – that’s their job and based on what you wrote they are 100% in the wrong.