My Japanese wife only has an older sister (40), aunt (80), and estranged father on her side. Her sister lives 20 minutes away and her aunt lives 3 hours away by train. My wife and I have a son, 1 year and 10 months old.
My wife and I recently got into an argument about how often our respective families visit to see our son. My wife’s family has visited 4 times (older sister twice, aunt twice). We go to her aunt’s house for big holidays like obon or new year (so 3-4 times a year). I told my wife I would like her family to come and visit more often to see our son so he can get to know her family. My wife and I have already planned to move back to Australia to raise our son, so we’ll be in Japan for another 2 years at most. My wife said that being close isn’t her family’s style and that they are already doing enough. My family on the other hand, has visited 3 times from Australia just to see our son (he’s not the only grandkid for my parents). I know I shouldn’t compare, but am I wrong to expect a little more effort and interest from my wife’s family? My wife’s excuse as to why her aunt can’t visit for more than a few hours is that she has cats to take care of; 2 in her house and a clowder (looked it up) of street cats). On the flip side, my wife said my family is ‘too close’.
TL;DR wife’s family doesn’t visit often to see our son. I want them to be more involved before we leave the country.
What do you guys think? AITA for wanting her family to be more involved in our son’s life?
Edit: Thanks for everyone’s comments. It has given me a lot to think about and I probably was caught up in the argument. I think I need to take more time off work and create more opportunities to spend time with her family.
31 comments
Some families aren’t close. Trying to force it isn’t going to change that.
Also, your wife’s aunt is 80. Let the woman enjoy her cats. And she lives three hours away? She shouldn’t have to visit at all if she doesn’t want to.
Honestly, you should just listen to and trust your wife on this one, it’s her family and she knows them well.
It’s great that your family is so interested and committed to your kid, but it’s not something you can force on her family. They have no responsibility to be overly involved, just because it’s a blood relative doesn’t mean they have to dote on it as often as you want.
Some families just don’t have that style, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love your kid either, it’s probably just how they were raised and it’s normal for them.
I don’t get why you care so much about this, as a kid I honestly couldn’t care less about visiting relatives I didn’t see often. As an adult I live on the other side of the world from them and have absolutely no contact with them anymore. Don’t force relationships to be the way you want them to be.
I think your wife’s family is normal in Japan.
Not sure what you expect.
In my amateur opinion as a dad with two boys, the balance with your wife’s side of the family sounds about right. You might be getting too worked up over this.
The older auntie is old, so it makes better sense for you all to visit.
Her sister is possibly looking for a nice fella, if she’s single, so needs to concentrate on that.
Is there any hope of normalising strange grandpa?
To compare and contrast, our boys’ grandparents here would have them every weekend, given the opportunity. My wife’s sister’s family we see maybe every year or so. Obaachan, auntie and uncles, more often. The rest of the family gathers at weddings and funerals.
My parents (UK) will never fly here. They’ve physically met our oldest lad twice, our youngest once. At the cost of current flights, I don’t know when we can ever afford to all visit again.
I imagine a 3 hour ride is hard on an elderly woman, especially carrying her own luggage and whatnot, to come and visit
Family here is not the same as in Western countries my friend, I am visiting my mother-in-law’s house next week we live 1 hour away still we just get to visit 3 or 4 times a year.
I know they will be there if I need them, and they have always helped us out when we struggle, the fact of not being physically present doesn’t mean they don’t care, they do it’s just the way things are here, and being honest, I like it.
There’s nothing wrong with being part of a tight-knit family but trying to impose your ways isn’t good.
cool story man
Why isn’t your family the same as my family? My experience is normal and yours is not the same, but it should be.
OP it might suck that they are distant but count your blessings it ain’t worse. Would much rather an uninvolved family over the shit we see at r/JustnoMIL or r/entitledfamily
I get it. As someone who grew up 10+ hours away from my family, I always really wanted family like grandparents and aunts and uncles. I remember as a little kid being the only kid without grandparents to come to the school on grandparents day and sneaking into the toilet and crying. Then when we finally moved nearby in hs, I realized why my parents had moved away.
So I also want my children to have family members that love them and support them. But with that said, nothing hurts more than trying to get someone who doesn’t care to care than to just let it go. Not every family is close and sometimes that sucks, but it is what it is. That’s when you have to find chosen family instead.
You might consider re-calibrating your assumptions. What was ‘normal’ for your family is not so for others. Some families are very close, others not so and family dynamics change with time and as family members are born into the family or pass away.
Trust your wife. Her happiness is most important for your marriage.
Thankfully, families often aren’t as close here as we may be used to. With the exception of some traditional families with lots of expectations and obligations (which are a huge pain in the arse), it’s very normal to not see family members very often.
Would you prefer to be married into a family that treats you like a servant just because you’re younger than them? And an elderly aunt that moves into your marital home with the expectation that you’ll be a full-time carer for them whether you like it or not, like what happens in some families here?
I think you have a very nice set up going on, personally 🙂
Ya your family is too close by my family’s standards as well 😂. My family have never came to Japan to visit ever (I’ve been here over 5 years) When I ask they just say they don’t want to 🤷😂
Some family’s are closer than others. You can’t really be like “YOU HAVE TO BE COSE LIKE MY FAMILY!!”. I also would find that annoying af and extra unnecessary stress.
Families are different. Some are very close, others aren’t. I agree with your wife on this one 100%.
YTA, it’s her family she can decide if they see your guys family enough.
Male version of karen expecting worlds to think like him 😂😂
My wife’s family are very close, both emotionally and geographically.
But people have their own lives to live, so we saw each other every other month at best.
My family is emotionally close, but my siblings have lived in 7 different countries, and they have only come to visit 5 times in 33 years (mom once, elder brother twice, sister once and nephew once) – We have traveled Stateside numerous times
Her aunt (not even her mom, but her aunt) is 80. Many 80-yr-olds can’t handle a 3-hr train ride.
No, this is fine or normal. I mean your argument is coming from a good place but don’t worry too much.
You are wrong, yes. So what if your family chooses to do something. They’re a different family. You don’t really have a leg to stand on in this argument
Yeah, this is normal in Japan. People visit at set times, nothing spontaneous.
You may want to be careful if/when you go back to Oz though. The reverse scenario is quite possible. Your wife may feel overwhelmed by the closeness and constant presence of your extended family. Dont expect her to be accustomed to it right away- you may want to ease her into it and modify when/where/how often you have family visits.
Especially if you leave nearby, for her the concept of relatives “just dropping by” might be very stressful. For Japanese, there are preparations, cleaning, gifts etc to prepare before anyone visits. So with a small child to care for, the added burden of repeated visits might drive her a little mad.
YTA. It’s okay to be curious as to why your wife’s family isn’t visiting more, coming from a more sociable family yourself, as it seems. But that’s where it stops. You asked your wife why they are not visiting more and your wife gave you the answer (it’s just not how things work in her family.) So why do you want to force it? Let people be people. There’s never ever anything good coming from forcing people to do things your way in a situation like this.
Some families just aren’t that close! Your wife is probably used to that and that’s why she thinks your family is too close (or maybe she finds your family annoying, idk I don’t know you). It’s just something you and her have to live with.
Yes, you sound like an asshole.
Maybe they don’t care for you or your child much; that might make them cold, distant, but that’s who they are. Big boy pants on.
Nah, man. You’re just looking out for your kid’s connections. But, families vibe differently. Respect her fam’s style and find a middle ground. 🤙
Your wife knows her family members well, so it’s fine if she says it’s okay. Her aunt is 80 years old and lives 3 hours away by train. Generally, older people can’t travel frequently or for long periods. You should visit her if you want to get her more involved with your family.
Unlike in the West, family isn’t the sole focus in Japan, and we don’t mind not meeting up often. Typically, we gather only during Obon and New Year’s Day, so twice a year is already sufficient for the average family, to be honest.
Yes, YTA here. But there is a simple solution and that is to tell your wife that she’s right and let her manage the relationship with her family.
Go and push your ‘standards and beliefs’ on your wife. That will help you long term mate, rofl 🤣.
You’re not suppose to force a relationship into someone’s throat ain’t it?
Agreeing with above that some families just aren’t close and you can’t (and shouldn’t) force it, or you’ll only amplify that. Very similarly, I’m from NZ, had the first grandbaby for both our families in 2021. Husbands parents are separated but live within 20min drive. They came to see her exactly once, and every other time we’ve been to theirs (maybe 6-7 times over 2 years). My side has visited twice and paid for me and baby to travel to them once, and are coming back in March for #2. We video call 4-6times a week. It’s just the way it is 🤷♀️
I will weigh in on the side of “let her handle it”. Whether they’re visiting enough or not, you can’t force that. I think you should apologize for making a thing out of it. I would leave it at a statement to your wife along the lines of “I hope they visit again soon!” Or “Let’s invite them to come again soon”.
You’ll only make her feel bad about it if you push or turn it into an argument.
Please trust her. 😊