A little background. I am living in the country side of Yamanashi and there is only one other family that is international at my kid’s daycare. I was recently informed that my children’s daycare will be having a recital in a couple of weeks but families are restricted to only 2 guests. The letter goes on to state that if you have some unique circumstances please ask. It just so happens that my father will be visiting from America that weekend and it is the first time for him to meet the kids in person. My wife asked if he could watch and before even mentioning that we would like to come as a group of three the principal said no. My wife being timid backed off and that was the end of her interaction with the principal. I then called the school and asked if there was anyway we could watch together even if it means one person standing in the back or outside and watching through the big glass doors to which the principal again replied a rule is a rule. I asked if they could give me a reason they decided on 2 family members this year when in the past multiple members could watch, my niece and nephew also went here. The principal just repeated a rule is a rule. When I mentioned that my dad doesn’t know Japanese and it would be very difficult to leave him alone for a while the principal said, in Japanese of course, your father is an adult, he won’t die waiting in the car. I told the principal that the way they were handling the matter makes me believe that they are not worthy of being called a principal and I contacted the board of education about this interaction. When I told my in-laws they said when the principal was a regular teacher at a different school my niece was so scared of her that she refused to go to school and my sister in-law actually had to quit her job to take care of her. And now the part that makes me feel like this is discrimination against me not being Japanese, my daughter got in trouble after this exchange because she grabbed a keychain that was attached to another child’s bag. My daughter has asked for months about getting a keychain for her bag but we keep telling her no because the principal said that it is against the rules to attach them as some students might get jealous and try to take them. My daughter said over half of her class has them attached and some students even have multiple. The principal has done nothing to enforce rules that Japanese families are breaking but when I asked if we could simply watch the recital quietly as a group of three because of the circumstances, the principal immediately enforces the rules. As it is pertaining to my family I might be a little overly sensitive but I just wanted someone else who understands English to see this as I have started to feel alone out here in the countryside.
36 comments
I think I’m on the principals side on this one. The rule is two guests max so that’s just how it is. You know what Japanese people are like when it comes to bending rules …
damn dude that is a huge block of text
unreadable
Why don’t you and your father just go
Please paragraph the wall of text up a bit, I want to read your post without wanting to die
I get that you’re relying on your niece’s experience to weigh in your favor, but 1) the rule is a rule.
2) Your daughter grabbed a keychain that was attached to another child’s bag, which tells us that “some students might get jealous and try to take them” is a truth. Take pictures of the other kids’ bags with their keychains and show them to this principal when your child has her own. Make sure whatever you get her isn’t wildly different from the average among her classmates.
Easier to ask for forgiveness than it is for permission. Shouldve just rocked up with your dad along with you and waltzed in. Worst case scenario is just ask anyone you know in the class for their camera footage of the event…. Youd probably amass enough to make some matrix style action shots.
I work at a kindergarten, we have similar rules depending on where the performance etc is.
If they make an exception for you every parent starts bothering them about their grandparents, and sick aunt and uncle from far away etc.
And trust me when I say there is an endless stream of emails and calls of parents wanting extra or special treatment for their child. It never ends. From special lunches, snacks, pick up and drop off times, age restrictions bla bla. It never stops. I feel like so much time at my school gets wasted dealing with those requests.
And unless the principle says something about a keychain on your daughters backpack I don’t see how these two situations compare.
Your dad can go plus one. Either you or your wife. This is an easy one.
If everything happened exactly as you describe, then the principal sounds like a cunt, and I’d be looking for a different daycare. Not because there’s a rule and he’s trying to stick to it, but because of the tone. Also it’s pretty strange that they seem to be open to exceptions but that this one doesn’t count. Would he interesting to hear examples of exceptions that have been made- presumably young or disabled siblings would rank higher than your situation, but not sure what else
But yeah, it’s only one event- if it’s a hard and fast rule that only two can go, then you or your wife sits this one out. Not the end of the world.
I was with the principal until she made a comment about your dad not dying in a car alone. Wtf. That’s a wild thing to say as a principal.
Still, the rules are the rules. You seem upset that they’re not bending them for you. Just have your wife and dad go or you and dad.
[https://media0.giphy.com/media/6pJNYBYSMFod2/giphy.gif](https://media0.giphy.com/media/6pJNYBYSMFod2/giphy.gif)
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also, he can enforce the no more than two people rule. he can’t really start tearing off key chains from little kid’s bags, can he though?
I feel you OP. Rules and the lack of empathy aside, the rude comments about your father won’t die waiting in the car is way out of line for anyone let alone a school principal.
You got punked. Showed weakness. This is Japan my dude. You have to assert. Give your kid a keychain. If they take it away you walk right into the principals office and chew her ass out, loud enough for everyone to hear. What’s she gonna do? Say keychains are against policy while all the other little kids have them?
You gotta confront her while she can’t argue against it. Just be loud, degrading, and authoritive. She’ll crumble under the pressure.
Bring your dad. She’s not gonna bar you at the gate. If she says anything you just cut her the *I will die on this hill and take you with me* look then ignore her.
You have to make being racist more trouble than it’s worth.
To everyone who is comment rules are rules BS:
> The letter goes on to state that if you have some unique circumstances please ask.
I guess that is just in there in case the Emperor is ones personal guest.
This principle just likes to eff with people.
If only the principle knew who your father is!
If the comments were made exactly as you said, you both seem pretty out of line. The comment about your father not dying if left alone was totally unnecessary. And your comment about not being worthy to be called a principal was totally unnecessary (and not a wise decision considering they are, for the time being, in charge of you child’s care for a large portion of the week).
That said, the principal could/should have done a much better job of explaining the rationale for the rule and the exception. Although the line about your father not dying was totally unnecessary, maybe there was some reasoning for it. Maybe the exception was to allow an extra person who actually could not be left alone (I.e. a child or adult who is physically dependent on the parents’ immediate care that day). I get the idea of wanting to have your dad attend (and if I were the principal, I probably would have obliged) but there are probably other families, too, who would have loved to have family members that they hadn’t seen in a long time come to attend the recital. Just because your dad is a different nationality and traveled the furthest shouldn’t put him above others.
Use paragraphs. I lasted 5 sentences.
I know the feeling of trying to stick up for your wife but i dont think it’s worth it. Keep your emotions in check is more important and if you don’t like the school, look into another school in the future. The wife and daughter may learn these traits on display from you. After all it’s just a play. Is there a recording or something?
The fact that they added in their letter “if you have unique circumstances please ask” makes it all the more infuriating that he immediately says no and doesn’t think about it.
Although normally I wouldn’t be promoting breaking rules and being a bitch, I agree with the other comment that says it’s easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission. Or you could switch out every so often with your dad to watch.
I think a lot of people missed this (the bolded portion):
“I was recently informed that my children’s daycare will be having a recital in a couple of weeks but families are restricted to only 2 guests. **The letter goes on to state that if you have some unique circumstances please ask.**”
It sounds a lot like you have a unique circumstance (visiting grandparent from overseas) and so you asked, only to be met with an illogical and dogmatic “the rules say 2!” response when in fact the rules (as stated in the letter from the school) say that you should ask, which strongly implies that there is some wriggle room.
I can understand that this principal’s reaction is frustrating and illogical, and I would have suggested just pointing them to that line in the letter and asking, “But your letter says to ask. Why have this line if your reaction is going to be like this?”
However that ship has sailed. It sailed the moment that the principal suggested that your dad be left in the car to wait. You literally wouldn’t do that to a dog. It’s a profoundly rude position that gives off decidedly racist vibes when the phrase “in Japan” is included as if Western adults aren’t capable of sitting in the car “like adults”. It also fails to acknowledge the fundamental issue that this is an adult who has travelled a very long distance to see their grandchild and is a visitor in Japan. In short it violates “omotenashi” (principles of hospitality) as well as being an illogical response from someone who presumably authored the letter saying parents could ask if they wanted extra guests.
In your complaint to the city hall I’d approach it this way:
– The principal opened the door to this request in their letter (include a copy with the line highlighted).
– They were then rude and abrasive when asked (and again, they invited this request **in writing**)
– Their comments crossed the line between a reasonable “I’m sorry, we’ve had many requests for additional guests and the hall is now over safe capacity” and insulting comments that suggested that your father is not a capable adult.
– Their irregular enforcement of other school rules and singling out your child for criticism when other children’s parents break the rules tends to reinforce a perception that this principal has personal issues that are interfering with their performance of their duties.
– In closing suggest that you’re concerned that the principal may be stressed and overwhelmed by their duties, and perhaps needs to be removed from the position as they seem incapable of performing their duties as a public servant without being insulting and illogical.
Here, I’ll tell you what the principal didn’t.
There’s probably a long line of people wanting Ji-chan and Ba-chan to go, as well. Imagine them being told no, and then showing up and seeing your family with Ji-chan there.
“Why does the foreigner get preferential treatment?” is going to be the question being answered for the next hundred days.
Because in reality, the fact that your father came from abroad doesn’t matter to someone who wants their grands to be able to see their kids. You are no more special than them.
The principal handled this poorly. So did you.
Parent of multiples here. Im very friendly but I almost never ask permission to do ish here. Thankfully I’m not married to a local though. I’ve seen my acquaintances here in international marriages with this very same problem. And don’t be surprised if you Japanese wife is embarrassed by your ‘outburst’ and has sided with her fellow Japanese natives to save face. I have seen it lot. Also about the kid, change daycare if possible.
If it was me and my daughter didn’t particularly care about these school events (she doesn’t), I’d just pull her from the recital and go do something fun for the day instead.
The correct way to handle this is for your dad and wife to simply attend, while you wait outside.
There was no need to ask for permission prior, because the answer is always “No.”
Source: Am dad.
I would just show up and say I forgot about the rule.
What will they do? Force you out?
Sorry I could not comprehend what the second part was about.
Sorry, but I think you are in the wrong.
First, your wife asked if your father could come, which of course she was entitled to ask under the announcement, and was told no. However, you decided that the school should nonetheless give you an exception (also you imply your wife is unable to manage this communication herself, despite I suspect her being the one to deal with the school on a regular basis), so you called and were told no again. Then, you demanded an explanation of the rules, although there is no obligation to explain them to you; It’s actually pretty obvious as others have pointed out.
It doesn’t matter how desperately you think you deserve an exception, in this case the authority to decide is with the school. If you don’t like the way this school or principal is doing things, you can contact the city hall or BoE, but I wonder if any other parents share your point of view? Doesn’t seem racist to not give you an exception to the rules. Unless the school has specifically pulled your daughter up for having a keychain or specifically ignored other students grabbing other kids keychains then that whole deal is irrelevant.
Just be an adult and either you or your wife give up your spot for your dad.
Japan’s workplace inflexibility is beyond my understanding sometimes. Also the inability to function without instructions among lower rung employees.
I mean – your father and one more person goes. //thread
I don’t see the problem here.
Please repeat this to yourself 50 times a day until it sinks in.
YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. YOU DO NOT DESERVE A DIFFERENT SET OF RULES.
Is your father visiting any different from another parent visiting from a remote place in Japan? (Hint: No, it is not).
Id like to knock that principal’s teeth for his shitty behavior
Shouldn’t have asked and brought him on accident. It’s very unlikely they will stop you at the door.
Bro learn to use paragraphs…
Who da faq is gonna read this wall of text?
I would assume the “unique circumstances” would be for families with infants or siblings that can’t be left alone. Hence the comment that your father is an adult and can wait in the car. The principal also might have already said no to other families asking if a grandparent can go, so might be just trying to be fair to all. But still, a dissappointment for your family.
Up to how many guests were allowed in the past?
If your daughter isn’t allowed a keychain but other kids have one, you should volunteer to stand outside the school and enforce the no keychain rule.