Throwaway account because this provides a lot of personal information.
I saw [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/movingtojapan/s/7KEQ0YVKqD) on the subreddit, and it stirred up some thoughts/emotions related to my situation.
To start with the backstory:
My now husband and I met in Japan many years ago, while I was living there. We eventually decided to move to the US because my career options in Japan weren’t great (I was working in finance but had limited Japanese language ability) and the US offered legal marriage for same sex couples.
Five years later, things are just OK at times, but often difficult. Like the other poster, my husband doesn’t drive. In these five years, we moved between three different cities in the US until we found one that gave him more independence (being somewhat walkable). Up until recently, he needed me to drive most places.
I have a decent job here, and he has a retail job that pays good by Japan standards (given that the yen is so weak right now, he makes probably 4x what he did in Japan), but it really stresses him out, and we’ve struggled to find him a better career path.
We *both* really want to move back to Japan, but continue to be frustrated by the non-options available. Japan does not recognize same-sex marriage, so I am not eligible for a spouse visa. I’m nearly certain we would just up and move there if that option became available. I probably search for news on the legalization of same-sex marriage weekly. There’s been some positive news recently, but we could be waiting a *very* long time and it may never happen.
Here are the options we’ve considered instead:
– Career wise, my current role does not really transfer to Japan without solid language skills. Most positions require full professional if not native proficiency. I’ve studied (and passed) N3, but it’s not enough and my speaking level is quite low. My current company does not have offices in Japan, so intra-company transfer is not an option. I continue to apply for roles and contact recruiters, etc., but it hasn’t worked out. My prior role in Japan was very niche and English-speaking only, which is quite rare.
– I could attend a Japanese language school for up to two years (student visa) to try and build proficiency, but there’s no guarantee I would get a job within that timeframe. We may end up being separated if I can’t find a job by the end of the student visa and his US green card expires, so this feels incredibly risky. I’m reluctant to give up a year or two of my career to make this possible (the opportunity costs with loss of salary are huge). I’ve also found that I’m not great at learning the language. Despite passing N3, I worry about my ability to become truly proficient at a professional level in a two year (or less) timeframe. I’m also in my early 30s.
– I could teach English, but this is pretty much a non-option for me as it would ruin my career and I have no interest in doing it. My husband doesn’t want me to do this either.
– We have more than sufficient funds to start a business via the business investor visa, but the problem is that our main interest is in moving to Japan, not starting a business. We have no viable business idea that I can think of, so this is very unlikely to be an option.
Like I mentioned, we have decent savings so money isn’t all that much of an issue. We have enough to fund language school and living expenses for at least two years, for example.
I know my husband would be a lot happier there, as I would probably be as well. I loved the time that I spent living there, but that was when I was employed with a working visa. We’ve gone back to Japan on several trips, and every time we return to the US we get hit with this “What are we doing here?” feeling that is so hard to shake.
Based on our situation, does anyone have any thoughts on the options I’ve mentioned above, or any other factors we aren’t considering?
**TLDR**: same-sex American and Japanese couple living in the US. Want to move back to Japan but frustrated by lack of viable options.
13 comments
This is a copy of your post for archive/search purposes.
—
**Honest question from a stressed, same-sex husband**
Throwaway account because this provides a lot of personal information.
I saw [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/movingtojapan/s/7KEQ0YVKqD) on the subreddit, and it stirred up some thoughts/emotions related to my situation.
To start with the backstory:
My now husband and I met in Japan many years ago, while I was living there. We eventually decided to move to the US because my career options in Japan weren’t great (I was working in finance but had limited Japanese language ability) and the US offered legal marriage for same sex couples.
Five years later, things are just OK at times, but often difficult. Like the other poster, my husband doesn’t drive. In these five years, we moved between three different cities in the US until we found one that gave him more independence (being somewhat walkable). Up until recently, he needed me to drive most places.
I have a decent job here, and he has a retail job that pays good by Japan standards (given that the yen is so weak right now, he makes probably 4x what he did in Japan), but it really stresses him out, and we’ve struggled to find him a better career path.
We *both* really want to move back to Japan, but continue to be frustrated by the non-options available. Japan does not recognize same-sex marriage, so I am not eligible for a spouse visa. I’m nearly certain we would just up and move there if that option became available. I probably search for news on the legalization of same-sex marriage weekly. There’s been some positive news recently, but we could be waiting a *very* long time and it may never happen.
Here are the options we’ve considered instead:
– 1) Career wise, my current role does not really transfer to Japan without solid language skills. Most positions require full professional if not native proficiency. I’ve studied (and passed) N3, but it’s not enough. My current company does not have offices in Japan, so intra-company transfer is not an option. I continue to apply for roles and contact recruiters, etc., but it hasn’t worked out. My prior role in Japan was very niche and English-speaking only, which is quite rare.
– 2) I could attend a Japanese language school for up to two years (student visa) to try and build proficiency, but there’s no guarantee I would get a job within that timeframe. We may end up being separated if I can’t find a job by the end of the student visa and his US green card expires, so this feels incredibly risky. I’m reluctant to give up a year or two of my career to make this possible (the opportunity costs with loss of salary are huge). I’ve also found that I’m not great at learning the language. Despite passing N3, I worry about my ability to become truly proficient at a professional level in a two year (or less) timeframe. I’m also in my early 30s.
– 3) I could teach English, but this is pretty much a non-option for me as it would ruin my career and I have no interest in doing it. My husband doesn’t want me to do this either.
– 4) We have more than sufficient funds to start a business via the business investor visa, but the problem is that our main interest is in moving to Japan, not starting a business. We have no viable business idea that I can think of, so this is very unlikely to be an option.
Like I mentioned, we have decent savings so money isn’t all that much of an issue. We have enough to fund language school and living expenses for at least two years, for example.
I know my husband would be a lot happier there, as I would probably be as well. I loved the time that I spent living there, but that was when I was employed with a working visa. We’ve gone back to Japan on several trips, and every time we return to the US we get hit with this “What are we doing here?” feeling that is so hard to shake.
Based on our situation, does anyone have any thoughts on the options I’ve mentioned above, or any other factors we aren’t considering?
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From reading this post, it’s like you think moving back to Japan will fix all of your problems.
You describe things as being “just ok.” What are your expectations for being back in Japan to change that?
No digs, just curious. Why do you think going back to Japan will make things better? Surely you will still have the same problems there, and your work situation will be shaky due to your self identified lack of Japanese language proficiency, which will add another layer of pressure.
I am in a similar boat, although probably much older. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. I went the student route. I had a student visa for 2 years during COVID no less, and then started my own English School. It does not pay the rent, so to speak, because we live in a very small town so not many students, but it keeps me in a working visa. I occasionally do contract work for a company back home, although I wish it was more frequently. I have a car and can drive here because you’d be dead without one. 田舎ですよ.
I’m not going to lie, it’s f’n hard. My Japanese is not good, I have one Japanese friend (which is a major accomplishment) and I’m broke. I have burned though a large chunk of my savings just getting set up. My husband carries a most of the weight though. He has to read all the Japanese mail, and there is a lot of it. He has to deal with any contractors, neighborhood issues, booking appointments, emergencies, etc. He works full time, 40 hours plus in the city as most Japanese people do so our contact with each other is limited.
Your husband needs to understand he will be taking all that on. The grass not necessarily greener here. And on top of all that you have to throw on the stigma of being gay. We keep a very low profile, neither of us are flamboyant but you may still get dirty looks depending on where you live. If his big complaint is being non-mobile I would suggest signing him up for a driving school where ever you are now first. Also, how is his English? Does he work retail because that is all his English can handle? What about him going to school? Has he worked in Japan before? Does he know what the work life here is like?
Feel free to dm me if you want more specific details, and good luck!
It seems op believes moving to Japan is going to reinvigorate their marriage and make things great again.
I think unless you’re both fluent with a jobs lined up that will remove the money stressor of a relationship, then you can focus on your relationship. It’s difficult enough to live in a foreign country where you don’t speak native level. This puts huge stress on your partner as it puts near 100% of dealing with all Japanese matters on their shoulders.
Perhaps you should focus on fixing both of you before going on the next journey…
Otherwise, buy and Akiya out in the country and live there for 6 months and see how your relationship is.
Maybe find a place where both of you can be comfortable and succeed. Take the opportunity to open more doors. Have you considered hawaii, for example?
I believe it would be better to stay in the USA since you already have a decent job there. Finding a good job in Japan might be challenging for you, and it could also be difficult for your partner to secure one if he didn’t graduate from a prestigious university here.
He has a retail job in the USA, but it’s not considered a good career to enhance his CV when he’s back in Japan. Maybe, he already knows it too. Perhaps the same applies in the USA.
Moving to Japan may not solve the problems you both are facing at the moment and could potentially create new issues, such as financial challenges.
Bluntly speaking, N3 proficiency is insufficient. It may not even be adequate for working at a convenience store. I know people from abroad who work in Japanese-speaking environments, and all of them have passed the N1 level. If you primarily use English, language skills might not be a problem, but they could limit your choices and opportunities.
I can’t say I am in a similar situation, but I left a great career as well to study the language at a school and try to see if life would be better for me here.
I saved up a lot of resources and could make it by and given the Yen right now I stay live a minimally for about a decade, but regardless after dropping my career already making above six figures this is one of the most stressful things for me to handle as I feel like I will never be close to that success again. so, keep that in mind.
***”I could teach English, but this is pretty much a non-option for me as it would ruin my career and I have no interest in doing it. My husband doesn’t want me to do this either.”***
I feel that is an overly dramatic view. How does this matter to your CV? ALTing is not looked at in a good light but private lessons can be profitable and can build a good network and contacts in many fields depending on your clients.
***I’ve also found that I’m not great at learning the language. Despite passing N3, I worry about my ability to become truly proficient at a professional level in a two year (or less) timeframe. I’m also in my early 30s.***
People start language school from 0 and get careers so you are already a leg up. You have a solid foundation and once your brain goes into survival mode, I don’t think you have an issue being fluent especially given your relationship to a native speaker and in the end of it if you want to pay 10k for a two-year visa the only requirement for school is to show up, if your trash and can’t pass it doesn’t matter there are people I have heard of who just fail on purpose and keep taking level 1 over and over to keep the visa I would not suggest wasting the schools or other students time to be Van Wilder but after hearing that it took a lot of pressure off my shoulders.
I’m in a longterm same-sex relationship too, and a lot of this sounds so familiar to me too. I don’t have much to add, just surprised by how many people are trying to talk you out of it. People don’t get how hard it is for a Japanese person to get by in the USA without fluent English, it’s been emotionally draining for my partner. Best of luck to the two of you! Though even if we don’t get same-sex marriage in Japan, with luck, maybe international marriages will qualify for spousal visas in the future. I know the government sometimes will give gay couples a special visa, but it limits your work options.
One EXPENSIVE option would be to have a small second home in Japan and just go frequently too? That’s my situation atm.
Aren’t there specialized companies for the “business visa”? I mean, I’ve heard of those to move to the USA that will give you a viable business to build.
As someone who has moved back recently… how old are you?
Even on a marriage visa I feel a bit stressed by the instability of not having PR while making a salary that makes it progressively more difficult for me to return home and once again create a finically stable life style.
Without a marriage visa, how long would it take you to qualify for PR? If its 1 year, then thats not too bad. But its its 10 years… thats a long time to be investing in Japan with the uncertainty of actually being able to live in Japan forever or not.
Edit: There are many walkable cities in America and maybe it might be worth it to try to make that a bigger priority in your life. Last 3 cities I lived in, we did just fine being a one(or no) car family.
Have you thought of Chicago?
You live with a native Japanese speaker but are considering going to a language school? Why?! The cheat code for getting proficient at conversational Japanese is right there, in your house.
Honestly this situation also occurs with a foreign husband and Japanese wife. Japanese wife finds it hard to live in her husband’s home country because of lack of family and friends and also career opportunities. Foreign husband likes living in Japan but limited career opportunities. Often the foreign husband takes a job as an English teacher because that’s the only thing available.
The other people commenting in this post have raised all the points that I would, so I won’t raise them again. Moving to Japan, in my opinion, will simply shift which one of you is struggling. If he can’t handle the struggle but you feel you can, go for it, but know that it won’t be easy.
I’d like to invite you to read a post I wrote about a year ago, when my wife and I moved here. She was lucky enough to get a Designated Activities visa, but it was ultimately somewhat of a gamble. I had the benefit of being on an HSP visa, in a management position at a large and respected company, which afforded me a certain degree of leverage. You may find your journey with immigration to be more difficult, but there have been stories lately of same sex spouses being allowed in under similar terms to those my wife had.
https://www.reddit.com/r/movingtojapan/comments/yfc5i5/our_story_samesex_couple_moving_to_japan/