I have calmed down now, but for the past week, i have been dealing with a situation that seems to have no solution at sight (it probably does, but I am too uninformed to do anything substantial about it.)
Context: I am married, live with my wife in an apartment in what seems like a quiet neighborhood (can’t share anything more).
Problem: I suspect my neighbor is sexually abusing his partner.
Events: first time was many months ago. I was at work early in the morning. Wife was home. She heard loud screaming + crying of a neighbor (same apartment complex).
She recorded some of it, but not enough for incrimination (low quality recording).
Second time, 4/5 am. We both heard it. Was loud, violent, lots of begging and apologizing and what seemed like crying, but can’t be 100% sure.
Called the cops, they came with an ambulance. I mustered enough Japanese to say :” ona, otoko, tatakao” => very stupid I know. I was shocked and just, angry. More so at myself for not learning enough Japanese to help a random neighbor.
Third time, 2 nights ago. Late at night, she was yelling and saying “mendo” (annoying) and ittai. You know that word. She said it many times. I sensed like she didn’t want to do what he wanted her to do.
I felt it especially because my wife was S.Ad in the past. I carry some of her trauma, just enough to fail at properly dealing with these things. I just feel rage and anger. That’s it. Calling cops was useless then, just like now.
Called the housing agency. Was told the call is recorded. Warned them it would be their fault if an innocent woman died in a few months/years just like the one in the news a few months ago.
You know, People usually complain about thin walls, noise problems etc…
At this point, we both wish we had thin walls. So that we could properly record every little sound from the hellish nightmare the girl is going through.
But I feel like I can’t rely on anyone. I am tempted to be foolish, but we are not there yet.
What do I do.
24 comments
Does your wife speak any Japanese?, when the husband is out, have you tried to reach out to the woman?
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Don’t get involved, just complain about the noise and let the management and/or cops handle it
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Try to befriend the victim, to support at least emotionally
If you really care, make your place a safe space that she can come freely if she needs help.
However don’t jump into conclusions about what’s going on her intimacy, give her space and time. If she is really being abused then she might open eventually and the abuser can see she is not alone. If she isn’t abused but just heavy arguing, you will have a new friend and hopefully a funny story for the future.
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Have you spoken with a lawyer? Or local domestic abuse hotline?
They can tell you how best to help given you and your wife are essentially foreigners and let you know the laws— to help with evidence gathering, reporting, assisting the victim, and letting you know your potential exposure and liability.
Unfortunately I think just keep calling the management company and police.
Probably terrible advice … but if it was me and I knew the room number I might ring the doorbell and run when the next occurrence happens.
This is probably the only decent reply around here. Idk what’s wrong with people here. I do understand not wanting to get into other people’s business but a life might be at stake here.
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Absolutely contact a local DV expert, lawyer, or support hotline, and ask a JP friend if you’re uncomfortable with the language or can’t find a reputable sounding one online/through your town hall. You might be mistaken about what’s going on, but it’s best to make sure, cause you might not be.
The people going “mind your own business” when the stakes are this high? Yeah I would never want them as neighbours. Give your “the ancient Japanese art of minding your own business will solve all ills” spiel to one of the Johnny’s victims and see what happens.
Be careful, I am persuaded now that it was a couple of crooks but a few years ago a couple moved into the apartment just under mine and ‘it’ started. The complaints to my lodger about being able to hear me walk, close the doors, laugh at the phone, really anything that could prove I was alive.
Then they started to hit their ceiling repeatedly in the middle of the night. After some time they even located my bed and they would do that every 20 minutes during the night. It is when I lost it, bought a basket ball and made them understand that it was way easier for me to make a LOT of noise in the middle of the night than for them to do exactly the same.
They stopped or so I thought, till they started the screaming, frantic begging, and hitting the walls and the floor like they were fighting. My Japanese was good already so I could hear her beg him to ‘let her out’ or to ‘stop hitting her’, it was very clear.
But then they had harassed me for at least 4 months so I ignored them.
The last time I saw them they were obviously waiting for me as I was going to work. They were in the middle of the street, just beside their expensive car (a big BMW) and as soon as our eyes met she started to *act*, crouching on the floor looking like she was trying to protect herself while he was raising and waving his arm menacingly.
It was in public, in plain light, and it was very obvious that they were trying to catch my attention and only mine.
I just ignore them, and they moved the very next month.
I don’t know if they were planning on suing me if I were to ‘pretend’ that I had heard him abuse her, but I have an idea of how they financed that big BMW.
Of course I could be completely mistaken. It’s just that moving just after they realized I wouldn’t budge was really weird.
As others have commented calling the police and management is probably your smartest option.
I’ve been in your shoes in the past and banged on the door and asked if everything was ok when the neighbor answered…not the smartest move but it got them to quiet down.
Easy term to know “DV” (pronounced more like dee bwee), short for domestic violence.
I don’t know what I would do, but I wouldn’t mind my own business in this case. At least I would be taking plenty of notes for police and housing management.
Wow, that must be an awful situation!
First, you have to recognize your limitations. You can choose to help. You don’t have the power to fix. You want to do more. That’s admirable. Don’t blame yourself when you hit the limit of what you are able to do.
It sounds like you need to build a tool kit to deal with this. City Hall, like another poster recommended, may be a place for you to investigate adding new tools to your kit. For now, calling the police is your best tool. Keep it in good condition by looking up useful expressions for reporting the problem before it comes up. Anticipate based on what you’ve seen in the past. If people at City Hall aren’t taking you seriously, find someone who can help you write scripts for what to say, noting exactly what everything means and how you can adapt it situationally. If nothing else, showing you take this problem seriously enough to make a goddamn study guide for it might shame a bureaucrat into getting off their ass and helping out. Also, Google has translation features. Use them.
Next, remember that taking care of yourself is a tool in your kit. That’s not about selfishness, that means you aren’t going to help anyone if you let this control your life. If your wife has trauma, make sure you are helping her handle it in a healthy manner.
Keep in mind that police aren’t useless just because they don’t instantly solve your problem (and this is coming from an ACAB guy, so you know I mean this very seriously). Police are a tool in your kit. The purpose of that tool is not to end the possible SA and make sure it never happens again. The purpose is to rein in the possible abuser by reminding him someone is watching him, that he can’t get too out of hand, or he will get caught. That gives his victim room to gather up the tools she needs to leave him.
The tool that should not be in your tool kit is direct escalation. You don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t have the Japanese to manage it. Much as I think you are right that it is SA, there are some couples who enjoy cosplaying abusive relationships. That’s the entire reason safewords exist. It sounds like this isn’t that, but if you don’t have the tools to know that for certain, you should not be directly escalating. Let the police do that. It’s their job. All you can do is complain to them. If it is just play for them, getting the police involved is a good reminder that they should save that play for spaces where they aren’t going to bother anyone else.
You’re in a hard spot. Thank you for doing your best with it. Thank yourself for doing your best with it. Not fixing it in one go isn’t a fail state.
Asked a retired Japanese cop (30+ years on the force) about this type of thing recently. He advised to keep calling the cops *anonymously*.
People saying “mind your own business” are disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves
Report it to the police every time it happens. Not much else you can do.
a DV case may be different but I have a similar case that I reported that didn’t change a thing Unfortunately
In my case my neighbor is an elderly family where the daughter (60s) verbally and sometimes physically abuses her parents (90s with dementia) . I called the police, told my landlord but nothing changed. My landlord actually put so much effort in , even hiring a lawyer for the family (she wants to evict them since they also are hoarders and their house condition is really bad) to take it to court but nothing could be done since the elderly parents don’t say abuse happens / recordings as proof didn’t count either.
I would like to remind everyone that in Japan you can be sued for attacking a person’s honor… If OP keeps exposing himself as he’s doing and the victim doesn’t say anything, OP may be in great troubles. A man like that will take advantage of everything.
So, OP, follow the best comment that you were given: **anonymous** repeated calls to the police.
Domestic violence flyers and information in their mailbox. When he is not home. Have her check..
I was in a similar situation and he almost killed me. I recommend just reporting it and keep reporting it until it’s taken seriously.
I’d say continue calling the police. You need that paper trail and so does she. But I’d also say befriend her. One of my friends here went through the same thing and having me and other friends that were significantly bigger than her former SO was enough to get him to back down so she could safely break up with him.
i would keep calling the cops….this is not something to ignore
I’d keep slipping in a flyer at their mailbox, about a local DV shelter, in addition to calling the police or going to the police station near you. They’ll have a translator if you make an appointment in advance.