Hi, everyone, hope y’all are having a nice Friday night and then will have a nice weekend!
I (30f) have been going through some intense waves of existential crisis and depression lately. I don’t know what to do, so I thought I’d post here, see if anyone else has gone through something similar, maybe get some advice.
I’ve been in Japan for almost 8 years. I’m from an Eastern European country. When I came here I was dating someone back home, but we broke up because of the distance, and then I really wanted to have someone, so I started dating a Japanese guy I had met on tinder. I was 23 when we first met. It was long distance for about a year and a half, but then we moved in together and lived together for a little over 3 years. Things got ugly, and I broke up with him. The move, buying new furniture, all of this left me broke and broken.
Recently I see everyone around me getting married, buying houses in and around Tokyo, having children, and just generally moving along with their lives. I guess it didn’t help that all of my friends back home seem to be doing much better than I both financially and family-wise. On the other hand I feel like my life is on some sort of a pause. I live in a small one room apartment (granted it’s got a great location in central Tokyo), I am still trying (or not really) to finish my doctorate, I am still a part time lecturer, and even though I work my ass off, I feel like I’m just spending all of my money on taxes. I do have a very nice partner, but I feel like he isn’t exactly on the same page as me and is happy with the status quo.
I’ve been thinking a lot about making more money, about my future, getting a tenured position, finishing the damn degree, buying a place of my own or at least moving to somewhere bigger, but I feel like I can’t do any of these things. I feel incompetent, and even though I love Japan and Tokyo and my life here, I feel like I am slowly drowning in a swamp with no one to pull me out.
I feel like I have wasted my 20s which is when I should have thought further ahead about saving money, learning how to make investments, leaving toxic relationships behind and finishing that cursed degree (don’t get me wrong, I love my research, but sometimes it can be.. a lot), taking better care of my body instead of smoking like a chimney, etc etc. I have an immense sense of regret and emptiness in my chest and dunno how to deal with all of this anymore.
I don’t know if this is Japan specific, but I do think that the work culture here has contributed to all of this. If you have any advice I’ll take it. Thank you in advance!
22 comments
I had some similar feelings after being in a relationship for 7 years that ended. Just thinking about how many years of my life sunk into a thing that disappeared. But that’s life, and honestly life is long!
But one takeaway I had from that (and from other relationships) is that people can change somewhat, but it’s important to be clear eyed about if your partner is very far away from where you want your partner to be. Compromise is a thing in some sense but when it comes to bigger plans you really have to be on the same page. Talking about it bluntly is important (and a thing my ex and I both regretted not doing earlier on).
I would try not to worry as much about money itself, especially if you’re in academia. There will be people you know who make more money than you. A lot more, and that will only grow. This is not an indicator that you need to be there! What matters is your own comfort levels and plans. Don’t put unreasonable pressure onto yourself unless this is so important that you would (for example) move out of academia for it.
It’s easier to just blithely say this as a man when it comes to relationships, of course, but your friend group might just be on a different schedule for bigger life events. Some groups of people all get married super early, some super late, it’s kinda weird how there seems to be some synchronicity there but it happens, yet means very little in my experience. And if you’re almost finishing a doctorate, you didn’t “waste your 20s”! It’s very hard to waste a decade, and you did experience life! Life is long.
It might be time for change. It might also just be some time to take a breath. The best thing you might be able to do here is talk to other people you know IRL and confide in them. At the very least, going into more detail and context can help you try and figure out what you really want.
I don’t have any advice for you but in the end everything will be ok, I am sure.
You might also want money management advices from the JapanFinance subreddit
Good luck
Do you do other things besides work and home life? Progressing at hobbies while work stays stagnant is a good way to mark the passage of time without feeling you’ve wasted it.
I live in a one room flat with my wife and everyone goes crazy when they hear it. I don’t know what is wrong with small flats. Flat size definelitly should not be a criteria for success in life.
Maybe you should ask yourself 2 questions. Do you want to become a mom? And do you want to spend rest of your life in Japan.
I personally do not think I want to spend rest of my life here. My country is the place that I want to die. Maybe you are extremly homesick but are not aware of it.
Also never forget this: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, second best time to plant a tree is now.
There’s a lot to digest here, but I’ll advise you on what I’ve had success in, which is managing my personal finances. I am 35 M and have also lived here for 8 years. I started investing when I was 20 (small amounts at the beginning and more as I started working) In the 15 years since then, I’m already on the path to financial freedom and early retirement. Use your young age to your advantage and start investing immediately. 30 is very young. If you’re new to investing, look into opening a NISA account and pour money into it monthly. A small start is okay. Look to increase your contributions incrementally. The new system starting in January is a must and frankly speaking, a no-brainer if you plan on staying in Japan. Money in the market will compound with time. The best time to invest is now and the second best time is tomorrow.
Not related to money, but I like to live my life without comparing to others. There will always be someone on this planet that is doing something better than you, making more money, having more success. You too, have positive qualities and advantages that may be the envy of others. It’s difficult to resist the temptation in the age where we can peek into other people’s lives on social media, but stop doing that and I promise you will feel a lot better.
I am sorry for the difficulties you are going through.
I wouldn’t say you wasted your 20s based on what you wrote. You could have encountered the same difficulties with any other path you chose. I guess take every difficulty as a learning experience.
I don’t know if marriage or kids is something you want but people aren’t better just for having it and you aren’t any less of a person for not doing so.
I had some severe mental difficulties earlier this year and I think talking with my parents helped the most.
You will be OK.
It’s normal to have existential crisis at one point. I think we all have.
But what’s important is the moment and what comes next eventually. You can’t look back and wish things would have been different because you have no control over it and what is done is done. This includes your three years relationship that left you broken and the time you spent doing things you judge wasted.
It’s good that you’re eager for changes in your daily habits, including your health and professional career. Just a few words on that:
1. You will always find people who make more money than you, including your friend. But other people are other people. You are worth it with your own individuality and your value as a human or the happiness you can draw from life doesn’t come from how much you make every day.
2. Get your degree and put all your energy in it until it’s done. Might be boring but unfortunately world now requires a degree for whatever you’re gonna do. Even if you switch career, this thing will follow you for life, and you’ve invested in it already.
3. Please do try to have a healthier way of life, as you mentioned. But also remember that changes like that are a marathon. Don’t restrict yourself too much too quick but be disciplined and enjoy the small wins. If you’re consistent, even with baby steps, You’ll get there. Allow you to fail, don’t blame yourself, but remember to always get back to it.
Having family is (personally what I think) one of the meaning of life, even more so as a Christian. But life sometimes turns different. I don’t have kids as well. When I see happily married couples with 3 kids, I don’t feel jealous or sorry about my own condition. I feel happy for them. It’s not a failure to be on your own. Your time will come and reasons to be happy are legions.
On the topic of Christianity, I have to give a few words as well. I’m not preaching, and I won’t get into your brain, really. I can only share with you that when I felt uprooted, alone, and lost in Japan, praying and getting closer to my Catholic community in Japan helped me tremendously.
You don’t even need to be a fervent believer or anything like that. But when in doubt, when moment are tough, please please remember that you’re not alone. Sometimes opening your heart to spirituality can make wonders. It helped me, and I think it made be a better person, with less stress overall, less self blaming, less judgmental behavior.
Once again, please don’t take that as a poor preaching statement. I’m genuinely giving you all my compassion on your situation and whatever you decide to do, you’ll be part of my prayer.
On another note, I’m a fellow European too, but western. I know east west are different. Well, all countries are different but since you’ve also spent so much time in Japan, maybe you’ve also noticed that as European, we have a common culture, a common vision and we understand each other more easily.
Of course those are preconceived points of view as not everyone is the same, but still, I do feel closer to other Europeans in Japan that any other nationalities on average. We just connect.
And I personally miss Europe. Not just my country, but Europe as a whole. Sometimes just like you, I’m questioning myself, I see our beautiful continent, where things are not perfect, but this is home. Eventually I’m still in Japan, but please do know that you’re not alone feeling out of phase sometimes. I’m in the same boat and we’re probably thousands if not more on the same situation.
You’ll be fine.
Half of what you wrote could have been me.
Hi – also 30F, been here for almost 8 years, was in a bad relationship with a shitty Japanese man for 3 years, and hit a “crisis” where I felt I had wasted my 20s. And also lived in a studio in Minato-ku for the longest time, lol.
I’m in a much better place now, and totally see where you’re coming from. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk or need a friend!
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
it’s okay to feel overwhelmed from time to time, we aren’t built to be happy 24/7. start to enjoy little things again, the feeling of getting a seat on a train or the first bite when you’re hungry, we should enjoy those things. also we sometimes imagine what could’ve been, but at the same time if you didn’t move to japan, or you weren’t in that relationship, you might have wondering if you took those choices. all those experiences, maybe not all of them were good experiences, but they shaped the person you are now and you should be proud. hell you chose to move to another country which not many people have the guts or the chance to do it.
10 years gone cause I trusted someone and was too stupid to get pr. Should have stayed in school.
Meh doesn’t everyone waste their 20’s but a special few?
I’m out so bring some of those cigs over here and I’ll get you a drink.
You’re ONLY 30, moved from Eastern Europe to Japan, living as an independent woman in a completely foreign country, and working on a doctorate doing research on a topic you love. I would hardly call that a waste by any stretch of the word.
You have absolutely lived your life and have done more during your 20s than most do in their lifetime. Don’t let the transient grief from a shitty relationship make you dismiss all that you have accomplished in life.
You just experienced your first decade of adulthood. You traveled to a new country, were brave enough to open your heart to others. You have taken many risks! That’s what twenties are about! Now, you are thinking about settling down and having a secure future. This is all great. You still have plenty of time and it’s a great idea to start your journey towards your long term goals. These goals can be marriage / financial independence / travel / children. Once old, you will be happy to have money and security but you will be happier to have rich memories of a life fulled lived.
I hope things get better for you. Think of hard times as payment for the good once’s to come. Everyone makes financial mistakes it’s just part of life.
I’m feeling pretty much the exact same way.
Although I work at a Japanese company and I’m married, I do feel like life has stopped moving forward and I completely get you with having a partner that seems okay with the status quo.
I also feel like I’m working for nothing really. I’m so mentally exhausted and I’m not really having fun with life anymore because I’m so worried about my future. Especially being a woman who wants kids, being 29 and not having a home that’s ideal for raising children, and having a job that is nice but not really ideal… it’s really worrying.
I regret that I didn’t decide on my career a few years earlier, because now I’m having to learn everything at a time that I’m so down that all I want to do is sleep.
I also wonder if it’s a Japan thing, but I know if I lived back home in London I wouldn’t be able to afford anything either. I know that I don’t want to stay here on a full-time basis. I need to go back home every-so-often to keep my sanity, but that also costs money.
Anyway I could write forever about how I’m feeling so I’ll stop, but just know that you’re not the only one feeling this way.
If you ever want to chat, feel free to reach out! I’d be happy to meet up for coffee or something.
Know that what you’re experiencing is super common. I know I went through something similar and it led to me making some significant changes in my life, almost all for the better.
Don’t dwell too much on what you haven’t done, or what someone else did. Do focus on what you want to change, and start making those changes.
As an example: you mention smoking. Take whatever steps you need to stop smoking if you haven’t done it already. It saps so much money and time (both immediate and future) from your life and it’s something material you can change right now.
If you drink a bit I highly recommend taking a break from it. Drinking contributes to depression and lifting the fog helps with taking action.
Learn about investing, there are so many great resources online to learn from, take the money you were spending on ciggies and put it all into your investments.
As others have said, don’t fall into the trap of upwards or downwards comparison. It’s a curse and leads to nothing but heartache and contempt. Instead just focus on what matters most and what you want to change for yourself.
You don’t have to use the default template for life, ticking boxes on a list isn’t the point.
Do you have a good friends network that you’re able to hangout with often?
I think you’re describing burnout because nothing in your description is particularly awful circumstances. So, deal with the burnout and loss of resilience.
A doctorate is absolutely soul draining. Lonely, constant criticism, pressure to publish, need to put your own thoughts and work out there for others to be accepted or rejected. I dropped out of one at 29. You are already a lecturer at 30. Getting a doctorate before 35 these days is pretty damn good, tenured position before 40, pretty accomplished! You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. One thing I did wrong with my doctorate is that I naively thought to play it fair and do everything myself. Most people who succeed absolutely use scriptors, pay/beg other professors to help them rewrite their papers, do politics at conferences to push their subject etc.
As for the personal life, if you want married and a kid or more, I think you should talk to your partner. You can move to a bigger place, set up a plan. You can absolutely combine this with academics. No need to choose one or the other.
Girl I did the same thing in my twenties. I wasted those years on many u deserving people. I’m 33 and am just getting to where I want you be in life. I’m just at the start though, I still have a lot to do.
Recently I’ve been feeling like everything is slowed down but not stuck, I haven’t been able to get anything done lately. It’s so frustrating, but when I take a step back I realize I have a lot to learn from these roadblocks and I’ve had to reevaluate many things in my life. I think a lot of people have been feeling this way. I think in another month or so it’ll pass whatever it is. So maybe accept the slow down see what you can learn and prepare for when that stuckness finally lifts
If he’s not on the same page with you now then he won’t be later. Communicate with him and figure out his deal to make sure you’re not wasting your time when a guy that is on your page is around the corner.
I think you spend your life greatly, but only you could decide it’s good or bad. To change your mind or reset your anxiety, read good books, watch movies or do anything you want to do. As you said now is a weekend :]