I’m moving to Japan early next year, and my language ability is fairly strong. I feel like within the first 6 months it’ll be polished enough to date with very minimal linguistic barriers, so that part doesn’t concern me too much.
I am a lesbian, however. I present very feminine, and (I believe) most people assume I’m straight until I tell them otherwise. I have pink hair right now which lowkey helps signal my queerness, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be going back to my natural color before going to Japan to be more professional. (side question: how important do you think it is to have natural hair? Do foreigners seem to get more leniency in this realm, or is it looked down upon period?)
I know that people aren’t very open about sexuality in Japan as it’s seen as a private matter, but I want to make meaningful friendships with men that won’t be misinterpreted as romantic interest. I want to find a girlfriend while I’m there (god do I hate dating apps, but I think it might be my only option). How do I find a balance between respecting the culture while also being clear about who I am?
What have other lesbians/LGBTQ people’s experience in Japan looked like? How rural/urban is the area you’re in, and how has that impacted your experience in this realm? Have you faced any discrimination? We’re you able to date or did you just conceal that part of your identity while living there?
I’d much prefer to be out if possible, but even if I have to be covert about it I don’t want to put my love life completely on hold out of ‘respect for the culture.’ I’m young and I want to live and enjoy my life, and holding off on finding a life partner for the entirety of my early career could seriously limit my ability to find my wife later in life.
Even if you’re not LGBTQ, what are your insights into this topic? And do you have any advice based upon my concerns?
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This is a copy of your post for archive/search purposes.
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**LGBTQ Dating in Japan**
I’m moving to Japan early next year, and my language ability is fairly strong. I feel like within the first 6 months it’ll be polished enough to date with very minimal linguistic barriers, so that part doesn’t concern me too much.
I am a lesbian, however. I present very feminine, and (I believe) most people assume I’m straight until I tell them otherwise. I have pink hair right now which lowkey helps signal my queerness, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be going back to my natural color before going to Japan to be more professional. (side question: how important do you think it is to have natural hair? Do foreigners seem to get more leniency in this realm, or is it looked down upon period?)
I know that people aren’t very open about sexuality in Japan as it’s seen as a private matter, but I want to make meaningful friendships with men that won’t be misinterpreted as romantic interest. I want to find a girlfriend while I’m there (god do I hate dating apps, but I think it might be my only option). How do I find a balance between respecting the culture while also being clear about who I am?
What have other lesbians/LGBTQ people’s experience in Japan looked like? How rural/urban is the area you’re in, and how has that impacted your experience in this realm? Have you faced any discrimination? We’re you able to date or did you just conceal that part of your identity while living there?
I’d much prefer to be out if possible, but even if I have to be covert about it I don’t want to put my love life completely on hold out of ‘respect for the culture.’ I’m young and I want to live and enjoy my life, and holding off on finding a life partner for the entirety of my early career could seriously limit my ability to find my wife later in life.
Even if you’re not LGBTQ, what are your insights into this topic? And do you have any advice based upon my concerns?
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First I have to say I’m not LGBT, but I consider myself an ally, but I have actually never met someone queer or at least they weren’t out and about with it, but on the other hand, I’m not living in the Big Cities and as anywhere else, I think you’ll find connections there.
The pink hair. I don’t think it’s a problem in your private life and I don’t think it’s frowned upon, but it may be a trouble when looking for work, even part time jobs. I see at least one Japanese person with colored hair in the train every day and most of the time they are university students or have a career that allows them to be more outgoing (hair dresser, musician, something art related etc).
Depending on where you’ll move there might be gay bars or queer communities, it’s not like there non existent, but like you said dating apps will probably help as well.
I live in a semi-small city (not the exactly the countryside, but definitely rural compared to Tokyo or Osaka), and I’ve pretty much given up on dating lol. If there are no queer bars/clubs in your area, it’s very hard to find other queer people. I haven’t tried dating apps, but I heard they’re pretty useless even for straight people here, so idk. There was even a Pride parade in my city, and it was mostly just older people (40s-50s) or allies, because young queer people are too afraid to be out. The only queer people I’ve met so far are two international students lol. So, if given the choice again, I would’ve moved to a big city. Osaka has the most (and best) women-only lesbian bars, so I’d recommend going even if you don’t live there, it’s just a nice vibe and you can get lots of conversation practice.
I don’t think anyone cares about hair color, unless you’re working or planning to find work, in which case it might be better to have a natural hair color.
I don’t think it’s “disrespectful” to the culture to be out. You most likely won’t face any discrimination, so if you’re comfortable, I say go for it! I chose to stay closeted for reasons not concerned with Japan, but I imagine coming out will much improve your chances of dating, as closeted girls will know it’s safe to come out to you.
The only thing I wouldn’t do is come out unprompted. Japanese people don’t share much personal information right upon meeting someone. For the first few months here you’ll probably only be talking about your hobbies, profession, travel and food, so it would be kind of inorganic to bring up anything deeper. It doesn’t have anything to do with being queer, there’s a lot of straight people that I didn’t even know had partners until a month or two of knowing them, and even then it’s just mentioned and never talked about much. I got the impression that Japanese people only talk about these topics with close friends, so be patient and try to build meaningful friendships before coming out, if possible.
TLDR Wait for the subject to naturally come up in conversation, and then mention it rather casually. For example, my friend was talking to a bar owner in his 50s and he asked her if she saw any cute guys in the city yet. She told him she was a lesbian, and his only response was to rephrase the question to “so, any cute girls?” You can expect most of your interactions to go like this, and people likely won’t ask many follow-up questions. Best of luck!
> I want to make meaningful friendships with men that won’t be misinterpreted as romantic interest.
Just to give you fair warning, generally speaking (generally!) male-female friendships are not a thing outside of a group setting.
Do you have a job lined up? That will determine the hair question. I live near Tokyo and often see younger people with colored hair, both Japanese and foreign. High schools don’t allow kids to color their hair, and most jobs also do not allow it, so you’ll see college students and that age group doing it the most compared to other ages… because for many people here it’s the only period in their life that they’ll really be able to. Yes, foreigners can get away with more in that regard, but jobs probably won’t allow it regardless.
You’ll have a much easier time dating in a bigger city— Tokyo, Osaka, etc.— basically places that have an existing queer scene.
It’s not really typical here to have close friendships across gender or to do things one-on-one with someone of the opposite gender unless there is romantic interest. Also not typical to disclose personal information about yourself, like your sexuality, in general day-to-day life or in the workplace.
I didn’t want to join dating apps but I realized being in the countryside and not being able to speak much Japanese yet it was highly unlikely I’d meet someone naturally so I signed up for them. I’m bi so my apps are set to men and women and while it’s definitely easier to match with men I do see many women on them, both Japanese and other foreigners. So I’d say dating apps are a pretty good option. I’ll also add a fun language learning resource, there’s a book called making out in Japanese. The title is a little cringe but it covers a lot of conversational Japanese and especially Japanese specific to dating.
i don’t understand why this post has 0 upvotes 🙁 i hope it’s a glitch on my end. while i haven’t been to japan, and don’t have any particular tips for u— i am a wlw person who is super interested in living in japan someday. so i understand some of ur sentiments. i hope u have an amazing time staying there and find success in ur social life. from one queer person to another, i truly wish that u find peace and love in japan. you deserve a happy life.
I’ve been to queer bars in both Tokyo and Sendai, there were women who like women. “Mix bar” is the term for bars like that.
I know it sucks to have bar culture be the main way to meet people but it would tick both your boxes, it’s a way to meet men that aren’t gonna be weird and a way to meet women who like women.
I am pretty sure a lot of queer people also use dating apps here. I don’t, so, I dunno what that’s like.
Colored hair will limit your job prospects. Signaling queerness in daily life with your appearance is a thing that doesn’t work as well here as it does in western countries. I signal as queer and it mostly frightens people. Seems the way to signal to other queer people is to show up in queer spaces.
It depends on where you’ll be located in Japan. I spent the past year working in different prefectures and some of the more countryside ones have nothing in the way of queer bars or community spaces to meet people at.
I can recommend a few lesbian bars to you in Tokyo, I haven’t really explored the Osaka bar scene. Wherever you’re based, don’t lose heart! Check Meetup.com – there are a lot of queer meetups, both online and offline. That’s a great way to meet people, and these people can help you figure out the details of your local scene. Also, Japan is relatively small. I travel cross-country for concerts a lot, so you have the option of hopping over to a big city for the weekend (if you’re in a more rural area and can’t move).
As for coloured hair, it depends on your industry, your workplace and their specific rules. Taking the English teaching industry as an example, there are some companies that absolutely forbid unnatural colors, and there are some that don’t care as much lol I have friends in their 40s with coloured hair while I have to maintain my natural hair in my 30s haha.
Finally, re: coming out, I definitely recommend being cautious and opening up slowly. Not a lot of people are open about their private lives (straight or otherwise) at work, so it would be jarring. I don’t lie about my sexuality, but I don’t really discuss dating or personal relationships at work mostly because I prefer to maintain that distance.
I’m a queer woman who has lived in Japan for a while, so if you’re ever in Tokyo, feel free to DM me 🙂
Best of luck with your move and dating. I daresay mix bars, L bars in bigger cities will be one of the best ways to meet people.
Pink hair doesn’t really signal anything, here. Now, that said, if you want to have pink hair and you’re not going to be in a public-facing job, the best thing to do is ensure your potential future employer is okay with it. Some can be hard asses.
I live in Tokyo, I’m seven years married (and about a year and a half un-married; thanks Japan for not recognizing us) and I don’t hesitate to tell anyone that I’m a lesbian. People here don’t usually bat an eye, and people in small towns we’ve visited are more curious than anything. We usually get asked how long we’ve been together, how we could be married and in turn where we got married.
I’d say that more than half of my female friends are lesbians or bi. I’m not sure how I’ve managed to surround myself with these people, but I’m proud to have them by me. We take part in many pride events, and my company is one of the sponsors of Tokyo Pride. This affords me tons of networking and dating opportunities, only I don’t want them! That said, if you can become active in the LGBTQ+ community in your area or company, go for it. You can also start to build a network of your own. If your company doesn’t have a Pride group, then get those DEIB wheels rolling and become a leader!
Where are you headed to?
There’s going to be a big difference between Tokyo, Okinawa, or the inaka.
You might have trouble dating depending on where you’re at, but at least you won’t have to worry about being hate crimed here.
I live in Kansai and go to a language school here and everyone at my school knows I’m gay. No one has given me any problems. I’m able to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public and no one really pays any attention to it. Most of my teachers know about me being gay and one has even seen me and my boyfriend on a date holding hands. However, that being said I I’m slightly effeminate gay man but I don’t announce my sexuality to people. I don’t think you’ll find anyone here has an issue with it but I wouldn’t recommend having a “coming out” announcement etc. You don’t have to hide yourself but you also don’t need to announce your sexuality.
I am also a lesbian here, I hope your luck is better than mine u_u
Honestly… in Japan, people don’t care unless you make it so. They don’t care what you do in your personal lifestyle, as long as you keep that to yourself. As you titled the subject LGBTQ, you’re already putting a label to yourself. Don’t try to make an effort to enforce a title or let it known to others, as the Japanese doesn’t like to express themselves to each other without knowing the person very close (as a friend), confrontation is a big no as well, or anything out of the norm. So you having pink hair might already affect your job opportunities. Generally speaking, Japanese people like to keep things in line, everything is the same or similar, doesn’t like to stand out. You as a lesbian is perfectly fine, as nobody cares, so you can just join queer bars, as plenty in bigger cities like tokyo for example.
There’s a huge difference between Tokyo/Osaka and the countryside in terms of lesbian dating prospects. You’ve not mentioned a specific location in the OP, but if you’re in a big city you’ll have plenty of lowkey options, but in less populated / more traditional areas, hardly any.