I’m meeting a guy I met through tinder (we’ve been chatting for about 2 weeks so I hope I can feel a little bit better about not being misconstrued as a hookup situation). Looking for advice from other women on first date etiquette, like how to dress (I generally follow the modest fashion here so I don’t think that’ll be as much of an issue), things to/not to talk about, tips for suggesting where to get dinner (idk his budget but I definitely don’t wanna pull a “let’s go to saizeriya” lol, is Kaiten sushi ok?), and polite exit strategies if things go south.
Also, for context, we’ve been chatting fully in Japanese and I’m about N4 level at the moment, so my conversation topics are a bit limited without a dictionary.
Thanks!
20 comments
Is he aware of you being Gaijin ? If so then he will accept or turn the blind eye for any silly mistakes you make. Are you changing yourself to impress on the first date and then things turn in the good way (relationship) but then he will discover you aren’t the same as the first date.
My advice for anyone is, don’t go anywhere you can’t escape on your own two feet. Don’t go to some second location you never discussed before.
If he gets weird or grabby just stand up and leave.
And don’t mistake a personality disorder for cultural differences.
My husband and I had kaitensushi on our first date. I think it’s fine.
He might propose to you right away and possibly become clingy. (Heard stories) hopefully yours will turn out alright
If you wouldn’t put up with a certain behavior from someone you can 100% communicate with, don’t put up with the same behaviors from someone you can only 30% communicate with.
Red flags are red flags regardless of communication levels and culture. A lot of people put up with defcon level BS and chalk it up to communication issues/culture when usually that person is just a weirdo that no one in their circle wants to date because they see them for who they are and they prey on those (foreigners) who might give them a pass. If you’d dump Chad for doing (X) you should dump Taro-kun too.
Just enjoy yourself and be yourself, I personally wouldnt want to put too much pressure on myself to conform or compose myself in a way that’s not natural for me. To avoid being misconstrued as a hookup it’s always good to casually bring up your relationships goals and expectations, if you’re not on the same page or if he seems disappointed then no need to waste anymore of your time. To add to that, dont go anywhere or do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. For conversation just start with simple basic stuff, talk about yourself and ask him about himself, eventually the conversation (if its good) will just carry itself naturally, usually just start with safe topics like travel,
food, hobbies that fit your Japanese level too etc . Dress comfortably and to suit the tone of the date and since its a bit chillier layering would be nice like a jumper on dress with tights style or whatever you like. Get them to suggest places to go too so you’re not stuck with the decision making, ask him to recommend somewhere or ask him if he knows a good pizza/sushi/curry place etc and be prepared to split the bill since in my experience quite a few guys just expected us to pay our own share which is fine but it’s also nice when they offer. As for exit strategies, I met up with people for just coffee first, that way if your not giving you can finish your coffee quick and just be like it was nice meeting you, I’m going to get my train now or just tell them you have an xyz class at 3pm and need to leave soon, you need to call your family at xpm and need to leave soon etc.
So I met my spouse through tinder. Our first date was a little awkward! I couldn’t speak much Japanese (I was definitely N5 level lol), and though he was fluent in English he has improved a lot in the last 5 years, haha.
I think as someone else said just take it one step at a time, enjoy yourself, embrace the awkward parts, but hit the eject button where necessary.
Tinder?
My son’s friends are on Tinder, and it’s not exactly for dating…
As a guy, I’d say dress comfortably, but not too fancy. Meet him there; don’t let him drive you on the first date, just in case he does have the wrong idea.
Kaiten-sushi sounds fine. Or you could go to a casual real sushi place. My wife and I went to a coffee shop on our first date, oh so long ago. Okonomiyaki is fun, too.
Don’t worry too much, you’re not Japanese so you’re not expected to behave like you are. Be yourself. Otherwise things are not gonna work out long term anyways.
And for context. I met my Japanese partner on tinder too. It’s been almost 3 years and we live together now. We went hiking for our first “meeting”.
Not in all cases, but I dated a few guys from tinder and they didn’t go exceedingly well. One guy was a classic “gaijin hunter”, who I ended up liking but he had another million foreign women he was meeting. The others just wanted to hook up haha.
My current boyfriend I met through friends and he told me tinder in Japan is known as a tool to meet and hook up with foreigners. Of course this is not 100% of the time, but just so you’re aware！
I hope it goes really well though. Don’t worry about the language barrier, I’ve heard plenty stories where it started out like that and both parties got almost fluent in eachothers languages due to sheer determination through the power of looove, haha.
Also, a cafe is a good shout I think！If it’s going well after that, you can always eat afterwards.
For a dating venue, I would suggest a cook-your-own yakiniku kind of place. It is a good way to have something to do other than stare at each other. You can also get a feel of what kind of guy he is- does he actually make things for you, pass you some tasty tidbits, or does he sit and wait to be served?
I would also suggest NOT discussing “relationship goals” on a first date. As a guy, that would make me bolt for the exit. Plus add the possible language barrier…. just keep it light and friendly, don’t get shitfaced, watch for whether or not HE gets shitfaced.
From my dating experience back in the previous century, Japanese tend to be more comfortable with silence on a date. Don’t feel the need to fill in every 2 second pause with talking or opinions. Companiable quiet is just fine sometimes. And leave your cell phone in your bag.
Oh my god, OP, please don’t meet random men from the apps. Tinder is for hooking up, *not* for relationships 😳😳😳
Do not, under any circumstances, invite him home or go with him to his place. Japan is hard-coded that the meaning of “Wanna see my place?” is “and have sex with me?”
Unless you want to, of course.
Best that you decide the venue so that you already are familiar with how to leave safely. Choose a crowded place first, like at a bowling center or a food court. Not romantic but necessary. Also, apparently beware of the infamous taro-kun.
Sorry for being that person but tinder and other dating apps in japan are usually a hookup situation or people advertising adult services. It is rare to find someone looking for a relationship. Thats my 2 cents though. Also take care because Japanese and foreign people included are using dating sites for scam.
I don’t think I’ve gone in a date with a guy where he didn’t want to bang.
Particularly if we’ve been chatting for a while.
I suggest enjoying that bit
Do not go to a karaoke or an Internet cafe or anywhere that will isolate you. Learnt this the hard way…
I feel like you put too much effort and expetation on this. You probably will get disapointed by a guy from Tinder.
Meet in a familiar setting, don’t tell him your station, know all your exit options for getting home safely, and don’t put up with inappropriate behavior you wouldn’t accept from the guys back home.
Now I don’t mean any offense by this, but if you’re looking for a serious relationship (which it sounds like you are), then I’d recommend not trying to pursue one with someone you can barely communicate with. If you can’t express how you feel or what you’re thinking to one another adequately, it’s simply not going to work out in the long term. N4 is barely enough to hold a limited conversation, so unless this guy speaks English, you’re probably better off reevaluating this one.
That’s not to say you can’t have a good time together, but please keep your expectations in check and be realistic.
If he’s a typical Japanese guy, it’s likely he may be more nervous about meeting a foreigner on a date, and worried about whether his English is good enough (regardless if you speak Japanese) – therefore a certain amount of feeling a little awkward or distant may be down to this, so it may take a little while to feel relaxed and the conversation flow.
One alternative possibility could be that he wants the street cred of having dated a foreigner, so it may be worth watching out for signs of desiring your foreignness rather than you (hopefully not the case, and he is a genuine person who doesn’t care about nationality).
One other possibility which is mainly just from my own anecdotal experience, but many of the guys I dated in Japan (or ones I got on well with as just friends) were non neurotypical Japanese (ADHD, ASD spectrum etc) and my current husband is also an ADHDer. My hypothesis is that many neurodiverse Japanese people are often not accepted or understood by most Japanese people and are more comfortable with western foreigners who tend to be less resistant to difference (or are at least perceived to be so) and generally have a less indirect way of communicating. So there is a possibility that he may be a little different compared to what you might expect.