As an only child, i never thought about the consequences of moving abroad many years ago. Now that I am getting older (40s) and my parents are too (70s) I feel kind of in limbo. My wife is Japanese and we are very happy living in Tokyo. But in the back of my head I always have the nagging feeling of what I will do if one of my parents has a stroke or gets very sick etc. I don’t like my home country and I would be miserable living there. I have an okay relationship with my parents (not super amazing) but part of that is because we have some distance between us. I feel selfish for thinking this way: that one of them getting ill would be an inconvenience. On the one hand I want to buy a house here, perhaps even have a kid, but what if something happens back home? I know I need to live in the present and deal with problems when they come up, but it’s tough. Kind of an emotional brain dump this one, I hope I made sense and just wondering if anyone can relate.
5 comments
Someday your kids would be posting the same question
I’m in a similar situation you are, even though I’m 35 my parents will be 69 and 70 this year. It’s something thats always in the back of my mind but causes me stress and worry once in a while. Not planning to have kids though, but if it happens I’ll raise them in my home country.
I plan to move back and care for my parents if they get ill until they pass on, then I’ll move back to Japan.
For the meantime I’ll stay here though and visit once a year.
I know one guy (PT Uni teacher) who just left the country when his father had a stroke. No call, no show, just didn’t show up to his classes. Three weeks later sends an email saying he quit. This was at a good school with (in my opinion anyway) really good people who worked in the department (I was also PT).
Don’t do this. (Ha)
Ask them about their plans in case of any medical or quality of life changes. Find out about their financial and longer term care plans, end of life wishes, etc. And if they don’t have things in writing, encourage them to get with a lawyer and do so.
This might be an unpopular opinion, and it’s certainly colored by my personal experiences, but you don’t owe your parents elder care. Picking up your life here and relocating to give care (that you’re likely not qualified to give) is an enormous ask and sacrifice. Best case scenario, they’ve saved for such events, and planned to be able to advocate for themselves and be cared for. You won’t know unless you are direct and ask.
I’m in a similar situation but ten years older. My mother is starting to develop health and memory problems, and assures everyone she’s fine living on her own. She has lots of friends checking in on her, but I’m trying to figure out what to do next.