So for some reason, even though I’ve met with an iTalki teacher to speak Japanese over 10 times I still get very nervous before meeting. I don’t know why. I thought I would have been more comfortable by now. I’ve even been to Japan and spoken with strangers but I feel probably even more nervous meeting up to speak on iTalki every week.
I’m not really sure what it is. I have this fear that I’m going to mess up and they are going to think I’m stupid or something but I know conciously they are still getting paid and probably really don’t care. This fear feels more emotional than logic based.
Does anyone have any good perspective or advice on how to get over this?
For clarity, the teacher is really good and does correct me continuously, which I appreciate and use to get better. They are also never downright mean, just more neutral than anything. I’ve found when I can actually calm down I can think clearer and don’t trip up as much. I wish I could get to that place all of the time.
by investoroma
17 comments
I get the same thing, and once or twice I think I said something where looking back on it I think I may have said something inappropriate (to be fair I’m not sure how I would’ve responded to them in English either since I’m not always the best at small talk). I just try to keep in mind that if my Japanese was any good I wouldn’t need the teacher, hence I am there to make mistakes and they’re there to correct me.
So, I go into it with the expectation that I’ll embarrass myself. I am not sure if this is of any help、けど… The other thing is that it may take more than 10 times but you will eventually get there IMO.
Teacher and tutor here:
1) You’re in a class. If you’re not messing up, you’re not learning. We learn from mistakes whether it’s a simple mistake or a bigger problem. In any case, if your tutor isn’t seeing problems, they can’t help you over come them.
2) You’re probably not the best speaker they’ve ever heard, and you’re probably not the worst ever. You’re probably somewhere in the middle. In any case there’s no embarrassment in it. We teachers see it all.
3) I’m happy that you do eventually feel calm and things go well. It’s a safe space for you – you can make mistakes and overcome them. You’ve found a great teacher.
4) It might help to take a few breaths and listen to music or do something relaxing before you meet, or maybe find something to else to concentrate on before going in? For example, if you’re going over X, or just went over Y, preview or review that material.
“Does anyone have any good perspective or advice on how to get over this?”
that’s social anxiety. and supposedly its exposure therapy.
basically just do your best. and try not to overthink it. and if you don’t feel like they’re treating you with respect. get a different teacher. you’re a customer here, and a student, you’re allowed to make mistakes.
I think you need to find where the root of your fear is coming from. You don’t want your teacher to think you’re stupid, okay fine, but why does it matter if they think you’re stupid? Are you trying to impress them for some reason? Do you just have a general fear of people thinking you’re dumb and something about a 1 on 1 academic setting is just setting that into overdrive? Or something completely different?
Even if your fear is emotional and not logical doesn’t mean you can’t try and use logic to tackle the problem. Maybe finding the root of root of the fear will help to ease it. And if not you’re at least closer to the underlying issues to fix it.
I’ve had several Japanese teachers, and while I think others are spot on about social anxiety, it could also be that this teacher is not the best fit. Many Japanese teachers are good and politely correct you, but there is still tatemae at play so you never quite feel close to the teacher. Conversations can feel a bit stilted.
I tried several teachers until I found one that felt like a friendship, and that helped to reduce nervousness. Though I do think a majority of my own nervousness was in myself.
It’s irrational fear from anxiety and concludes in a lot of “what-if scenarios”. Even if you solve one another one takes the place. The most you can do is ease the fears by trying to accept them. Go in with the intention of trying to make mistakes, and conclude to yourself that people think you’re already dumb so you can move on with things. It won’t fix things, but it’ll help loosen grip of anxiety. Although it is likely another reason will come around that prevents you from moving forward.
if 10 times isn’t good do it 20 times, if 20 times isn’t good do it 100 times, if 100 times isn’t good do it 1000 times
涓滴岩を穿つ
Just adding to the other people replying to say I have the same issue. Decided not to fret too much about speaking for the moment and hopefully build confidence as I continue to study! Hope it works out for you mate
Don’t worry, the point of learning is screwing up and learning just where you screwed up so you can fix it.
You’re here because you don’t fully know what you’re doing. If you knew what you’re doing, you wouldn’t need the iTalki teacher!
It took me almost a year of doing iTalki once a week for 30 minutes to an hour before this problem started to abate. One thing that caused me undue concern was being able to talk for that long each session without social awkwardness or tiring out, which was beyond strange to me since I work in a very public and social setting each day.
I would often finish each iTalki session covered in sweat, so I sympathize with you. The satisfaction afterward of making it through was great though! I would initially go so far as to write out sentences ahead of time that might be useful for any topic for when my mind went blank, as if I needed some kind of lifeline. lol
For me, it would help to occasionally schedule a shorter session that felt more approachable on days when I felt the most overwhelmed or worried. Over time, you also build up a vocabulary of set phrases to explain your problems, ask better questions, change the subject, etc. Just remember that you are paying for a service, and as long as you are doing your best, there is no set expectation of improvement or mastery. Practice is practice.
So, I believe it is true like others have said. It just takes time, and it probably won’t improve in a highly noticeable way for awhile until you look back and see how far you have come with the anxiety. It will be great to overcome though. My theory is that even though myself, you, and others have had experiences in Japan or with other languages, iTalki might be the first time you have just sat one-on-one with a person speaking a language you are trying to learn instead of performing something transactional like ordering food, asking for directions, etc. The sheer amount of possibilities can feel overwhelming on their own.
I hope you can continue with it.
This used to be me! I used to get so nervous before lessons that I’d sweat through my clothes. I don’t know what happened, but eventually I just made peace with the fact that making lots of mistakes and sounding like an idiot are inevitable in language learning.
I think find another teacher that you immediately feel comfortable with. I’ve done a lot of italki lessons over recent years, some people you click with and some you don’t l.
I’ve had lessons so painful that I’ve literally been pinching myself and looking at the clock, others that I’ve finished early. But equally I’ve found teachers that I clicked with right off the bat and their appetite for my rubbish Japanese insatiable. And then again, even with those teachers I’ve had awful lessons where I’ve been tired, the Japanese isn’t flowing.
But I think after 10 lessons if you feel that way, try someone new. It’s not a reflection on them or you, just not a good fit. The best teachers make you feel relaxed.
In the past, I had a job teaching English to adults in Japan. I actually preferred the lessons in which students made mistakes and were on the lower end. Also, if you’re comparing yourself to others, I did have one lesson with someone who didn’t know the English words “who”, “what”, “where”, “when, and “why”, although that actually was an outlier (but I didn’t mind, because I was able to give the Japanese translations).
I felt less comfortable with those who seemed proficient in English and we’re trying to get me to teach them business English. That put more pressure on me. If there’s nothing to correct, and no notes written down by the end of the class, or if I don’t know of or can’t think of the best word in my own native language for a certain situation, then that’s a lot worse on my end as a teacher than the student making mistakes.
I am now also on iTalki, by the way. There are many teachers that you can try out, so while your teacher might be really good and might suit you, if you feel that the teacher is too strict or makes it seem like correcting you is a chore, then you can definitely look into other teachers.
As non-native, who took a speaking course, it’s really difficult for me to get words out of my mouth if i don’t take like 20-30 min prior getting into “Japanese.” Idk if that makes sense 😭 I usually will spend some time just doing anything in Japanese usually reading or just talking to myself before I’m comfortable. It’s been the case for me for other languages too so nothing new here for me
Maybe it would help to think in reverse. For example, if you were teaching a Japanese person and they were speaking broken English, would you think they’re stupid, or rather that they’re trying very hard to learn a difficult language? I know it’s hard, but try to go easy on yourself 🙂 I have social anxiety too, I get it. You could also check out other teachers if you feel like you could use a gentler approach (I know you said they’re pretty neutral, but maybe someone who regularly reassures you is something you need right now?)
from the words of Craig Mod, *”Starting from a position of not knowing but engaging, without self-consciousness, as kids do with language (I’ve long since posited the reason adults have “trouble” learning languages has nothing to do with brain elasticity and everything to do with self-conscious embarrassment).”*
If you calm down and get into it a bit later on, why not do a warm up exercise? You could read something at your level in Japanese to begin with so you’re moving into Japanese mode and not thinking about production proper?
Could it be that you don’t have enough things to talk about generally, and you get more into it a bit later? You could be more structured – watch a video or read a text before and discuss that in the lesson?
I quite liked a game where you had to describe something without using its name – so given the cue “doll” and told to describe it.
But as the others have said, life is too short and Japanese is too difficult to have a teacher you don’t get on with. It’s not an indictment against them or you, sometimes your personalities don’t mesh.