I’m relearning japanese to honor my father who has recently passed. I think I have a basic understanding despite never being truly interested in his teaching me. Now I feel I have a duty to learn my native language. The things you discover only in hindsight….
Anyway, I’m trying to compose a haiku to capture my feelings of his passing. I have roughly written 3 with my present knowledge, so you can try to understanding where I’m heading. My english meaning follows each:
下弦の月
蛾追求や
後の祭
waning moon
moth seeking….
too late!
​
下弦の月
我先にや
後の祭
waning moon
moth striving….
too late!
​
冬の月
蛾の羽搏きや
静寂
winter’s moon
moth’s fluttering….
silence
​
I welcome all assistance from my betters, do not hesitate to offer constructive criticism, as I am looking for some quality. Thanks in advance
3 comments
下弦の月 蛾追求や 後の祭
* Syllables 6-6-6 don’t match the 5-7-5 format.
* Double kigos; 月 (autumn) and 蛾 (summer). One should be dropped. Haiku is an art of minimalism, in which every portrayal is required to be truly minimal. That’s why having multiple kigos is basically not allowed (even when they are all in one season).
* 蛾追求や sounds pretty weird, and it’s almost ununderstandable.
下弦の月 我先にや 後の祭
* Syllables 6-6-6.
* 蛾 (moth) is missing. Also I don’t think 我先に can mean “striving”.
* But if you’re to use 蛾, same problem again – double kigos; 月 and 蛾.
冬の月 蛾の羽搏きや 静寂
* Syllables 5-7-4. It’s close, one more syllable to 5-7-5!
* Doulble kigos; 冬の月 (winter) and 蛾 (summer). Decide the season and drop one. I believe you don’t see moths in winter, do you?
Btw I couldn’t help wondering what is “too late” through the first two haikus. Is it something related to you and your father? Anyways, generally speaking a haiku basically has no room for expressing feelings or assessments (like “too late”). Just portray the scene and the situation, and make readers feel your heart indirectly through the minimalism of words, that’s the way of haiku, IMHO. But if you really want to say “too late”, plz add one or two more words to hint what is too late. Sorry for my bad English.
A note, 5-7-5 rules does not need to be followed all the time – there are poems that go over, or under, or doesn’t even have 3 lines. There are some beautiful poems that use that use that to great effect. (For example, having a 5-7-4, might make people expect another sound in the end, but you can consciously leave that open to illustrate a sense of something gone)
I find all of your haiku to be powerful, and I interpreted it as an expression of your current context and feeling. The fact that you may not have full command over Japanese, but are trying to make art in that language was moving to me.
One haiku that I remember is 咳をしても一人 (Seki wo shite mo hitori) by Ozaki Housai. It means “Even as I cough, I’m alone”, which described the end of his life. It’s not 3 lines, 5-7-5, but it was a haiku that had a powerful effect on me.
I talk about that poem and haikus in general in this video if you would like to check it out.
[How You Learned Haikus Wrong:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf4CSYgsfhw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf4CSYgsfhw)
to me “後の祭” seems like a weird word choice because the theme is your family member’s passing and the idiomatic expression “後の祭” sounds casual. if you break up with say your girlfriend and regret it, “後の祭” will be OK but death? I don’t know, something’s wrong there. sadly I’m not a bard but what about “祭の後?” sounds better to me. just means the festival is over but still indicative of “後の祭.” I don’t know just an idea.